Disclaimer: Nothing is mine
She mustn't know the sorrow
It would be an easy assumption to think that I sacrificed my own life because of the fact that I loved Lucie but it wasn't my love for Lucie that caused me to do it. I loved Lucie a great deal. I still do, but my love for that woman was not enough to cause me to give up my life. No. It was my love for Little Lucie.
She mustn't know the tears
I have a secret nobody would ever know. Charles doesn't know. Lucie doesn't know. Little Lucie certainly doesn't know. Now my secret along with my soul are in the arms of my heavenly father.
Tomorrow mustn't bring her
I sit back on a cloud and watch Little Lucie. She is a healthy and a strong girl. She's only seven and thanks to my sacrifice she will be allowed to be only seven. She won't have to experience the heartbreak of losing her dad. She already lost her baby brother when she was four but she wasn't old enough to understand.
A future that she fears
My child… is so happy. She is so healthy. She is blissfully ignorant of my sacrifice. She has wisely been told I was away on a trip. She knew nothing of how permanent my trip was.
How many now lay crying
The day Little Lucie was born Charles, Lucie and myself made a vow. Nothing would ever hurt that child. We heard all the arguments. It was everything to "children have to learn the cold harsh reality" to "we all went through that and we're fine". Lucie cut that last one of by saying "I don't know who 'we all' are but I never went through it and neither will my child!"
Their Dreams Will Have To Keep
I went through hoops to keep that vow. You only heard about this one time but I had done it more then once as well. One time that comes to mind in particular was last year. Little Lucie had only just turned seven. She was playing outside after a long illness.
How many never have a chance
She was playing with a water hose and by accident squirted MADAME DEFARGE or as I like to call her BUG UP HER ASS DEFARGE. I hated that woman and I probably still would if I were alive. It was in the dead of the night that a banging was heard on the door loud enough to wake the dead. There were two officers at the door. They roughly grabbed Little Lucie nearly pulling her arms out of her socket.
Tonight, let this one sleep
It was close to midnight when I got word of what happened. I up and dressed as fast as I could and hired a carriage to take me to where I knew they had taken Little Lucie. Lucie was hysterical and freaking out. The child had been thrown into a cell in the BASTEEL, ironically 105 North Tower. She would be held there until her trial.
A child is filled with wonder
I would be damned as hell if I were going to let a 7-year-old stay alone in the BASTEEL. It wasn't going to happen.
"Listen," I said, "I understand you're just doing what you have to do but I can't let her stay alone in the BASTEEL for the night. She's only a child so if you would allow me to stay there with her… I would gladly pay any price you demanded"
"It's not my say," the guard said apologetically, "but 700 pounds is the cost"
Let this one's dreams be blessed
I gladly paid the price and went inside 105 North Tower where Little Lucie was sitting in a corner rocking and shivering trying not to cry.
"You know this is a very special room," I told her.
She ran over to me and I picked her up holding her close to me.
"What's going to happen to me," she asked frightened.
"I'm not going to let anything happen to you," I promised her
Don't ever let her wonder
I kept her mind distracted by entertaining her with stories I have heard or came to my mind. Around 3 AM she finally fell asleep on my chest. I didn't sleep at all that night. I was dog tired the next morning but instead of wine (which I normally had) I had coffee. I needed to be awake for the trial.
If GOD might love her less
Some things aren't spoken… they are just understood. Some things aren't official… they just… are. The tribunneral sentenced this little seven-year-old CHILD to 25 lashes of the thunderbolt whip. Where they insane! She had been so ill until recently that one lash alone could kill her, not to mention she'd not done anything wrong.
She mustn't know what we know
"Excuse me," I called out stepping up front, "a moment if you will. Are you aware of the fact that she's only a child? She's seven and she's been quite ill. One lash alone would be detrimental"
"Mr. Carton," the president of the tribunneral said, "be that as it may the price must be paid"
She mustn't be so wise
I knew what I had to do and there was no way in hell I was going to have this child see this.
"Get her out of the room," I ordered Charles and Lucie who hurried a frightened Little Lucie out of the room.
"I agree with you," I said though I really didn't, "that the price must be paid."
Nobody would have suspected what I did next. I ripped off my shirt.
There's time enough for her to see
"You're right that an offense has been committed and you're right that it would be only fair for the price to be paid. I will not let this child pay the price for being a child on the other hand. If someone must be punished for her wrong-doing let the whip fall upon my back and not hers."
"I'm afraid," the president said, "if that were to befall you, you would be punished 3 fold the amount she would have been."
I didn't even flinch.
Just let her be a child
"I don't care of its 300 fold," I said, "I'd rather bear the punishment ((the very unjust punishment, I thought to myself)) then this child bearing it"
They looked at each other and shrugged. One victim was as good as another. The president nodded and the first lash of the whip was so sharp I had to remind myself to breathe. I was pretty hard to do.
For now
I will not go into detail about every lash of the whip that fell on my back. All you need to know is there was one thing I was thinking for each lash. THANK GOD it was not the child suffering my fate. Thank GOD it was not my child suffering. She was my own in more ways then you might know
She's still so small. She'll never understand
I couldn't let Little Lucie see me… not like this. My back was cut to ribbons. I was bleeding like a pig. I couldn't let her suffer the guilt. If would have been hard enough to let my beloved Lucie suffer the guilt… I would not have been able to do so but with Little Lucie it is impossible.
How people fail and lives break down
"Please tell the Mannette family," I instructed the kindest member of the tribunneral and a friend of mine, "that the matter has already been resolved. After that…"
I passed out. I spent 9 days in a hospital. Lucie (the woman, not the child) instantly knew what I had done
And don't turn out
I shook my head now as I think about it. The Mannette family… how ironic is it that Charles removed himself so far from the EVERMOUND'S so much so he had taken on the Mannette name and yet still his life had been endangered. The days following the whipping… as I had recovered were greatly rewarding. I had seen through a promise I once made. I didn't know I would have to do so again.
The way you planned
For those of you who have read Tale of Two Cities there is one part in my letter that has not been written in the book.
"Once I have made the promise and once I have kept the promise! Now I am proud and pleased to be able to keep the promise."
Charles didn't have a clue what I was talking about but he would know soon enough. He passed out after that.
For now save her the sorrow
At the moment I knew it was my turn to face the guillotine I felt frightened. It was for a split second alone and I was not frightened about the end of my life. I knew it would come. I was prepared for it to come. It was about knowing that I would no longer be able to protect that child… that was what scared me.
For now save her the tears
I said a quick prayer as I was strapped and locked to the guillotine. They liked to torment the prisoners and I almost found it humorous that they thought the little bit of pain could torment me.
"Any last words," the executioner asked.
"It is a far, far better thing I do," I began, "then I had ever done. It is a far, far better rest I go to then I have ever known"
Save grief for somewhere years away just not today not here
My prayer was that the heavenly father would look after Little Lucie. I know that I would know longer be around to care for her. I heard a crash. I felt a jolt and then I found myself in a place of peace and calm. I saw the woman I loved so long ago at peace and not suffering as she had once been.
For now let her be lucky
In heaven I found myself still outside the gates. It wasn't that I didn't deserve to enter… or that I was denied entry—in fact quite the opposite. I was welcomed with open arms. But I had to wait until I knew that the little one was alright. Once I knew that I would be able to move on
For now look down in grace
I could see that the child was growing happy and healthy.
'Tell her that I had to go away for awhile,' I instructed Lucie in my letter, 'and give her one of these each year until she is 18. It is labeled by year from 8 to 18.'
I wondered if 18 was old enough. Should I have waited until she was 21 to tell her?
Give her time to learn compassion
I knew I would be there to watch her mile-stones. I would be there at her wedding. I would be holding her hand through the labor when she delivers her children. I'd be there through the joys and the sorrows. She wouldn't see me but I would be there.
Give her time to learn forgiveness
I hoped she would be able to forgive herself even though I knew it wasn't her fault. I knew Little Lucie and I knew that she would blame herself. But for now she was blissfully unaware of what was going on. She would be for the next 11 years. With every note I have gotten her a little gift as well.
Help me find the strength to give this gift to her
{10 years later}
"Sweetheart," Lucie told the little one who was no longer so little on her eighteen birthday, "this is for you"
It was the last letter I had written to Little Lucie. I explained the whole story and then I ended by telling her, "I am always with you. I will always love you. You are my precious child and I didn't die because of you but because I love you"