How Kirsty is feeling when Adam walks away from her in series 25 episode 22 a lion roars, when Adam finds Kirsty has gone back to Warren and he tells her that he's not expecting her to do anything but go back to Warren.
He gave up on me. He doesn't care anymore. He thought there was some magical solution where I could just leave and fall into his arms with no consequences. What about Nita? Did he even think of her? I suppose he doesn't have to but I do she my daughter and I want to do what's best for her even if it's not what's best for me. I'm not stupid I know she knows about everything, how could she not. She lives in the same house as we do so she must hear the screams. I try not to make a sound to protect her from what's going on but when the pain becomes too much I can't stop myself. I know he will never stop but there's still apart of me that lives in hope.
Adam warned me that he would cross the line but the line is so blurry I don't know where it is. I'm not even sure I care, it won't change anything. I'm sure the line was crossed years ago when he first hit me but what does it matter now? Adam's line; I had no idea where that was, was probably years ago too, if he only knew exactly what went on in our house. He'd only seen a couple of my injuries which barely scratched the surface of what he did to me.
I'd chosen where the line was last night and Warren had crossed it. So I left. Adam was so kind to me, he opened the front door and didn't say anything just held out his hand and guided me inside. We were silent the whole time, me sitting on the kitchen table and he stood at my knees while he washed the blood from my face and hair. We didn't need to say anything. When he was finished with the cut on the back of my head he moved on to carefully examining my other injuries. He lifted my top over my head and I saw the look of appal on his face before he quickly regained composure. I knew it looked a lot worse than when he had last looked at it only earlier today. He wasn't happy about my breathing but I told him he was fussing over nothing and he eventually let it drop.
He insisted that I took his bed while he slept on the sofa. I didn't have the heart to tell him that sleeping on his sofa would be the biggest luxury of my year. Scrap that, sleeping on his flaw would have been for one simple reason, I was and felt safe here. Unfortunately however safe I felt I couldn't turn my brain off. I lay awake the smell of Adam surrounding me but all I could think of was Nita and Warren. Could I really leave? There was no way I was leaving Nita with him but I had nowhere else to stay, no money. How was I going to support us until I found a flat? Simple answer is that I couldn't and what would Warren's reaction be when he realised I'd gone. There was no way he would just let it lie, I had to get back now and save up and look for a flat so that we could leave later.
I could hear Adam's gentle snoring coming from down stairs. I changed out of the t-shirt and trackies Adam had given me and replaced them with my clothes. Sneaking down stairs I was careful not to wake him knowing I would not be able to leave if Adam asked me not to. He was sprawled out on the sofa in a peaceful sleep and I stood in the doorway smiling at him. If only life had been different.
I bent over him and softly placed a kiss on his forehead. I knew he could wake at any time but I couldn't resist and a tiny part of me wanted him to wake up and stop me going but he didn't; he carried on sleeping deeply as I slipped out of his house and onto the dark street.
I'd hurt him, I could see it in his expression as he looked at me as I walked into the staffroom late. I tried to avoid his eyes but I couldn't resist a quick glance and it stung to see his emotions displayed there. I'd tried to avoid him most of the day but he eventually caught me unaware.
Now he knew the truth; he didn't care anymore about me than if I was some random patient who had asked him for help. I never wanted to feel this way. I never wanted to need his support and approval but now I do. I crave for it, every second that I'm awake, most of the time he's all that I can think about. I wished desperately to turn back the clock. I needed Adam in my life, even if we could be nothing more than friends, which we couldn't be more because I was with Warren. And now I'd lost him; the one person I thought could save me. He turned out to care about me less than anyone who had ever found out. He'd walked away after telling me he never expected me to leave Warren, I was just the same as most of the other women he'd seen in my place. I swallowed the tears, trying not to show that Adam had just stuck and twisted an invisible knife into me.