The Letter

By: Ally Rae

Summary: Carby: A different reaction to the letter...

A/N: This is my first venture into the ER fandom. Hope I did OK...Things with Kem ended up differently and you will see how! This isn't beta-ed, so all mistakes are mine.

Disclaimer: ER belongs to NBC. The Letter was found online at the ER official site.

Abby opened the letter that she had recieved from Carter through Luka. She carefully unfolded the paper and read the words that were written in Carter's familiar handwriting.

Dear Abby,

By the time you read this letter, Luka should be safe in America and you will probably be wondering why I'm not with him. Before you go blaming yourself let me just say, it's not you, it's me - and I know even as I write this that you're going to think that's a breakup cliché, but if you could just try and hold back your judgment - and your condemnation - for a minute, maybe you will actually be able to understand what I'm trying to say. Being here has changed me in ways I never imagined. It put everything in perspective. County, Gamma's death, you. Well, me and you. We just had to work so hard at everything. Too hard, you know? When I think back on our last year together, everything appears hazy, muddled. And in the Congo, everything is very clear. People are suffering. I can help them. They need me. In a way that you don't.

You're much stronger than you think. You don't need me, Abby, and I don't think you ever really did. We both know we would work better unfettered. I think that at one point you convinced yourself that I was the right guy for you - reliable and safe, and I don't know, stable - but I don't think that that's what you really want. When we were just friends, it was safe. Maybe we even put each other on pedestals, I don't know. And then when we were finally together, it didn't become what either of us thought it would be. I didn't end up being what you expected, and you didn't end up being…sorry, I'm rambling.

I gave you as much as I could, but it wasn't enough. Clearly, there were a lot of things going on in your life that were more important, understandably. Eric's disease, your mother. Your life is complicated, and I didn't fit into that mix very well, did I? I tried to help, but then when I needed you…I don't know.

The light is dying. I don't want to waste any more kerosene.

I don't know how long I'm going to end up staying here. Don't wait for me.

I also want to say thank you. You are still one of the most amazing people I know.

Love,
Carter

Abby's eyes welled up with tears as she shook her head. "No..." she whispered. "No...I won't accept this." She sank down onto the couch in the lounge and she wiped away the tears. She wished that she hadn't pushed him away when he had returned from the Congo. She regreted a lot of things that she had done. But she knew in her heart that this wasn't the end. She knew that she loved him - that she always had, and nothing would let him walk away again.

Meanwhile in the Congo:

Carter reached over to brush a stray hair from Kem's face. She snuggled in closer to him, and for a moment, he imagined that it was Abby beside him. "No!" he thought. "No...Abby and I are over." He wiped the sleep from his eyes, and stood, stretching all the sore muscles out. He wasn't ready to return to Chicago, not yet. He needed time away from Abby, time to pull himself together. Little did he know that time away was the last thing he needed.

Five Months Later:

Carter had recieved a letter from Abby by some miracle of God. He read the words that she wrote with little care.

Carter,

I can't accept the things you wrote in that letter. I can't and I won't. Carter, I'm sorry that I pushed you away. I'm sorry that I wasn't there when you needed me, and I'm sorry that I can't always be the easiest person to be with. But damnit Carter, I love you. I always have, and I always will. I can't let you go without a fight. Carter...John...come home so we can talk through this. I love you...

Love,

Abby

Carter shook his head and wrote a letter back.

Abby,

I'm sorry, but I met someone new down here. I'm with her now, and that's the end of it. I'm sorry Abby, but I don't love you anymore.

Carter

He drove into the nearest town, which was two hours away and mailed it to the states. He shook his head. "Goodbye Abby." he whispered. "Goodbye."

When Abby recieved that letter, her body shook violently, as the tears poured out from her eyes. She sank to her knees in the middle of her apartment and she cried for hours on end. She didn't want to be without him anymore. She crawled into the bathroom and grabbed the bottle of asprin from the counter. Then she made her way into the kitchen and grabbed the bottle of vodka that she bought to remind herself of how far she had come everytime she looked at it. She returned to the living room and sat on the floor, beside her coffee table, decorated with an ashtray and a picture of Carter. She lay his letter beside his picture, and in one swift movement, downed the entire bottle of asprin and half the bottle of vodka. She then proceeded to lay down on the floor, and fall into a deathly sleep.

One Hour Later:

Susan was pounding on Abby's door. She had neglected to answer the phone when Susan called, and wasn't answering the door now. Susan was really worried. She went to the landlord's apartment, and asked to be let in. He obliged and Susan gasped when she saw a ghostly pale Abby lying on the floor. She immediately called 911, and checked her vitals. She had a very weak, rapid pulse and shallowed breathing. The paramedics arrived and rushed Abby to the hospital, where Susan was met at the doors of the ER with concerned, confused faces. Susan spoke but two words. "Find Carter."

Four Hours Later:

The radio that the clinic had given Carter when he ventured into the jungle came alive with static. "Carter...come in Carter."

He picked up the radio and pressed the button. "Carter here...what's up?"

"Carter...phone call came in about 30 minutes ago...bad transmission, but we got you..."

"What is it?"

"It's from Chicago...A Susan Lewis...said an Abby Lockhart was rushed into the ER...apparent suicide attempt..."

"Oh God." Carter whispered.

"She said...and I quote..."Get your ass back here NOW!..."

"Um...ok then...can you book me a flight out for the morning? I'll catch a ride out there asap."

"10-4" Then he radio broke into static again, before going dead again.

Carter began throwing clothes into a rucksack and rummaging around inside the makeshift clinic office. Kem came in and walked over to Carter, wrapping her arms around him.

"John?" She questioned. "Where are you going?"

"Chicago." He replied in a hurry. "One of my...friends is deathly ill. I need to get home."

"But John..." Kem trailed off when interrupted.

"I'm sorry Kem...but I need to go. I'm sorry..." He ran out into the afternoon and caught a jeep, heading toward the city.

"Can I get a ride?"

"Sure, hop in."

The jeep began to speed away, and Carter stuck his head out the window. "Goodbye Kem." He shouted.

Kem just stood in the middle of the dirt roadway and cried.

Carter managed to make it back into Chicago by noon the next day, again, by a miracle of God. He caught the train and got to the hospital an hour later. He ran into the ER, and was greeted by many surprised voices.

"Carter!"

"Dr. Carter!"

"Carter you're back!"

Carter just threw out a distracted wave, as he glanced frantically around the room, looking for Susan. He spotted her, coming out of the lounge, red-rimmed eyes and coffee in hand. "Susan!" Carter yelled across the busy ER lobby as he made his way to her side. "Susan," he said breathless. "Where is she?" Susan just glared at him and pulled him into the lounge. "Susan?" he questioned.

"Carter just shut up and listen." She pinched the bridge of her nose and continued. "Carter, she swallowed a full bottle of asprin and half a bottle of vodka. I found her maybe forty minutes to an hour after the fact. Her pulse was weak and rapid, and her breath was shallow. They brought her here and she coded once. They got her back and they managed to stabilize her and pump her stomach. She's in the ICU right now." Carter began to turn toward the door, and Susan grabbed his elbow. "Carter, wait." She pulled him over to the couch and pushed him down, sitting beside him. "Carter...I found these beside her. She must have knocked them off the table, and onto the floor when she collapsed." She held out a plastic bag to him. He opened it and pulled out his first and second letters and his picture.

"Oh God..." Carter rested his head in his hands.

"Carter...what the hell happened with you two?"

"I don't know...things got...complicated. But on the plane, on the way here, I realized that I still love her. I need to be with her...I need to be there for her." Carter stood up to leave, but before he walked away, he looked back at Susan. Her eyes were filled with tears. He sat back down and pulled her into his arms. "I'm so sorry Susan...I'm so sorry. I never should have pushed her away. I caused all of this, and...oh God...I'm so sorry that you had to find her like that..." He trailed off as they sat there together and sobbed. After a few minutes, he stood and pulled her to her feet. "Come on...let's go see Abby." And they walked to the elevator, and hit the button for the ICU.

As they made their way down the quiet hallways of the ICU to Abby's room, Carter's mind was racing. They stood in front of her door and he sighed. "Here it goes." He opened up her door and made his way to her bedside. She looked so pale against the white bedsheet that she was laying on. He sat in the chair beside her bed and took her hand. "Come on Abby," he whispered. "Open those beautiful eyes of yours." He kissed her cheek and waited. After a moment, he felt her fingers move, squeezing his hand. "Come on Abby..." Her eyes fluttered open slowly, and they focused on Carter's face.

"Carter?" she questioned.

"Yeah Abbs...it's me..." He squeezed her hand. "Abby...I'm so sorry...oh God...I'm so so sorry. I didn't realize how much you meant to me until yesterday. I...I still love you..."

"But what about the other girl, back in Africa?"

"That's over...I realized that she didn't mean anything to me, and that wasn't fair to her at all. But Abby...I love you more than anything, and I'm never gonna let you go again. Never again."

Abby's eyes filled with tears, and Carter brushed them away with his thumb. "I love you too. I love you so much."

Carter smiled. "Just never scare me like this again, OK?"

"I promise."

Carter leaned in and gently kissed her lips. "I love you."

"And I love you."

The End-

Well there you have it...my first EVER ER fanfic. Was it ok? Please R and R:) Thanks:)