They were all sat together in the living room, watching some foreign film that had English subtitles. Nobody was really paying attention but they kept it on because Natasha requested it and nobody goes against Natasha.
Within the space of a second, all hell let loose.
Well, Clint did.
Everybody was talking in low voices to one another, then suddenly Clint stood up. He froze, looking at the tv.
"Clint?" Natasha looked at him, trying to figure out what was wrong. His body language was wrong. "What's wrong?"
"You don't understand." Clint nearly hissed. "None of you fucking understand."
"Woah Clint." Steve stood up, taking slow steps towards Clint. "What don't we understand?"
"NONE OF YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND!" Clint ran into the next room, followed closely by Steve. He paused at the doorway, turning back to look at the rest of his team mates, his friends.
"Stay in here, I'll talk to him." Then he turned and ran into the next room, where Clint could be heard shouting about war.
"YOU DON'T SEE IT, IT'S NOT A WAR BETWEEN COUNTRIES, IT'S WAR IN YOURSELF. BETWEEN WHAT SHOULD BE DONE AND WHAT'S GOT TO BE DONE."
"You gotta be shitting me. You call me the diva, when he acts like that? I', insulted." Tony whistled as he turned to look at Natasha, who had stopped moving. She was looking at the spot where Clint had stood up, trying to figure something out. "What's going on?" Tony asked her.
Natasha ignored him, focusing completely on the spot. Tony walked up to her and grabbed her by the shoulders. "Hey!"
"Tony…" Bruce warned him, stood two steps away, his fists clenched.
"Natasha, do you know what's going on?" Tony lowered his head so he could into Natasha's eyes. After a moment she looked, making eye contact with him.
"I don't know." She said simply.
Clint punched a wall, his hand going straight through it. "TRY LIVING WITH THAT ON YOUR HANDS ALL YOUR LIFE. TELL ME WHAT IT'S LIKE. TELL ME I'M HANDLING IT WRONG, I DARE YOU."
Steve stood, watching Clint as he repeatedly hit the wall. He began speaking softly. "Clint." He paused, waiting for a reaction. When he got none, he repeated Clint's name, louder.
Clint turned around running into another room and throwing everything he could onto the floor. "FUCKING 'LININGS', THEY SAID IT WAS SIMPLE AND EASY, A NORMAL MISSION, NOTHING HARD. TELL ME THIS ISN'T FUCKING HARD."
"Clint, stop. Remember where you are, who you're with, focus on that."
Clint turned to look at Steve, his eyes filled with tears. "I can't stop thinking about them."
"Who?" Steve asked gently.
Clint took a deep breath and began running again, punching anything he saw. "YOU NEVER FUCKING ASKED WHO. WHEN AND HOW. NEVER WHO. TELL ME HOW YOU'D LIKE IT, TELL ME WHAT THAT WOULD FEEL LIKE FOR YOU."
Clint reached the end of the hallway and doubled back, almost running into Steve, who jumped out of way just in time.
"Natasha. Think about Natasha. Think about Bruce, and Tony, and me."
"EVERYTHING DIES AND EVERYBODY LEAVES. WHAT'S THE POINT? WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT TO ANY OF THIS ANYMORE?"
Steve was weighing up his options: Make contact with Clint and let Clint take all his anger out on him, or follow Clint around talking to him until he'd finished taking it out on the walls. Steve was debating about it, until he saw Clint head back into the living room, then Steve's decision was made for him.
Steve ran up to Clint, catching him by the shoulder and dragging him away. Clint turned in his arms, punching Steve anywhere he could. He was too caught up in the anger to remember any training that would hurt Steve more. When they were in another room, Steve held Clint away by an arm's length, getting his breath back from all the punches he'd taken.
"Clint, breath. Stop what you're doing, and think, think about us, your friends. We're here to look after you, but only if you'll let us." Steve was about to continue when Clint punched him in the face, causing Steve to take a step back. As Steve tried to get his balance back, Clint kept punching him, until Steve was backed up against the wall. When Clint swung at him again, Steve pushed the punch away and used all his power on shoving Clint backwards. Clint stumbled back, until he tripped over his own feet, and fell on the floor. As he went to get back up, Steve slapped him around the face, once.
Clint had been shouting whilst punching Steve, but now he stopped, looking at Steve. Particularly looking at Steve's left eye.
They stayed on the floor, Clint sat with his legs spread out before him, Steve crouched down in the space between Clint's legs, one hand on Clint's shoulder. "I am not going to hurt you, but if you try to get up, I will push you back down."
Clint stared at him. "Did I do that?"
"What?"
"That shiner. I'm tempted to be proud, that's a good shiner." Clint joked hollowly.
Steve smiled anyway. "You must be good if it's actually shown up. It'll be gone by tomorrow."
Clint smiled feebly. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know what… I'm sorry Steve." Clint looked up at Steve, his eyes full of tears again. "I'm so sorry."
"Hey, stop that. Don't worry about it." Steve removed his hand from Clint's shoulder and sat down next to him, their backs against the wall, legs out in front of them.
"Did I…" Clint swallowed. "Anybody else?"
"No. I told them to stay in the living room. I remember my sergeant always telling me, you don't touch a man when he loses control. Physical contact, shocks them, and not in a good way. I was keeping my distance, until you headed for the living room. I couldn't let you go in there."
"No, no, I don't blame you." Clint slowly brought his hands up to his face. "I'm so sorry Steve."
"I told you, it's fine." Steve nudged him with his elbow.
They sat there for half an hour before Clint stood up. "Time to face the music."
"You sure you want to do this now?" Steve stood up slowly as he questioned Clint's idea.
"Come on soldier, I'm no coward. Let's go." Steve heard the determination in Clint's voice, but he saw the fear behind his mask. He raised his eyebrows at Clint, making him start walking off towards to living room quickly. Steve followed, watching as Clint walked slower and slower every time they went past something he'd broken.
By the time they got the living room door, Clint had slowed to a stop. He turned to look at Steve who looked at him straight. "They're not going to run away, Clint. Me, them, we're always here. Whenever you want us to help."
Clint nodded once, and walked into the living room. It looked as though he interrupted a whispered discussion, which Natasha left right away to go hug Clint. "Are you okay?" She asked, leaning back to look at him properly.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"Better pay for all the stuff you broke, dickwad."
Clint rolled his head to the side to look at Tony, "Bite me, Stark."
"Rather not thanks. Whatever drugs you've taken to get that reaction, keep it away from me." Tony said as he walked over to Steve, tapping Clint twice on the shoulder as he passed. When he reached Steve, he looked up into his eyes, a silent discussion passing through them. The tension-filled moment was over when Tony sighed and threw his arms around Steve, causing him to wince.
Clint, thankfully, didn't hear. Bruce and Natasha were questioning him too loud to hear the sound escape Steve's lips. Tony's mouth flew open at the sound, followed by his eyes narrowing. "He didn't just get your eye?" Tony whispered.
"It doesn't matter, Tony."
"I'm not mad at him, I'm concerned for you. 'Super Soldier' is not code for invincible, and he's practically a super spy."
Steve looked at Tony, refusing to reply until Tony dropped this topic.
"Where else?" Tony asked. "If you don't tell me I'll look for myself."
"Tony I'm fine." Steve softened slightly, touched by Tony's concern.
"Where?" Tony pressed, causing Steve to sigh slightly.
"Chest area."
Tony began to lift up Steve's shirt. "Where abouts am I loo-" Tony stopped talking as he looked at the shades of bruises that covered Steve's skin. He moved round to the front, taking in the different colours that were also on Steve's torso.
Natasha was looking over Clint's shoulder, her mouth tense at the sight of Steve's skin. Clint began to turn around, to which Steve yanked down his shirt and walked up to Clint.
"I think it's time for bed. Leave Clint alone." Steve said boldly.
"Steve-" Natasha began, but Steve cut her off.
"Go to bed, we'll talk in the morning." Steve's Captain America voice was beginning to come out.
"What about you?" Tony asked.
"Tony, just go to bed." Steve turned to look at him, before Tony turned around and almost stomped off to his bedroom.
Natasha followed him, glancing back to look at Clint briefly.
Bruce stayed in the room, until Steve turned his gaze upon him. Bruce walked towards Clint, putting a hand on his arm and patting it, before turning and following the other two.
"Who know Captain America would use his power against his friends?" Clint asked, not meeting Steve's eye.
"I always wondered if that'd work." Steve pondered as he walked into the kitchen. Clint followed him, unsure of what to do. "Want a beer?"
Clint frowned in surprise. "What?"
"Want a beer?" Steve asked again as he opened the fridge.
"Sure."
They went back into the room and sat down on the couch. Steve turned the channel over onto some movie channel, and they sat there all night, moving only to get another beer or go to the bathroom. Neither of them really concentrated on the movies.
As light began to fall into the room, Clint turned to Steve.
"There was a mission, six years ago. It was simple, pretty easy, up until one point. We had a code word in case something had to happen, and I dreaded that code word being said, so of course… It was said." He looked up, meeting Steve's eyes for the first time since they'd sat down.
"I didn't want to do it, you have to believe me on that Steve. I didn't want to do it, nobody did, but somebody had to. I hate myself every day for it, please believe me that if I had a choice, I wouldn't have done it." Clint's voice broke at the end.
"I believe you." Steve's voice rung out through the quiet floor.
Clint brought a hand to his face, wiping away any stray tears. "I've done bad things and they'll stick with me forever, but that's the worse, and it haunts me. I have nightmares about it, but I always wake up with Natasha, and I remember all the good stuff. Sometimes, sometimes it's hard though. Sometimes the bad stuff seems worse than the good stuff, and I can't face myself in the mirror. The things I've done…" Clint trailed off, caught in some memory.
"We've all done things we regret Clint. We all have regrets from actions we've followed through. No matter what we've done, you've got to remember everything you've done, the good and the bad, and remind yourself of how things would be different, how many people would be worse off, if you hadn't of had some influence in their life."
"What about all the people that would be better off without me in their lives?" Clint retorted, looking for an answer that would make all this pain go away.
"Clint, that's something you have to decide on your own. Don't, for one second, believe that we're better off without you. We need you, we want you, and we love you. Sometimes it is hard and things are bad, but remember all the good, and if there isn't any, make some."
"You think it's as simple as that?"
"I do. If you want to feel good about something, go out and do something about it, do something to show how much you deserve to be here." Steve paused before smiling. "We do that every day. We risk our lives for the good of other people. We're heroes. You, you are a hero, Clint."