Sasuke: What's Pirates of the Caribbean…?
Takara: -gasps dramatically and faints-
Natsumi: …this could be a problem. HERE WATCH THESE! –stuffs DVDS into DVD player-
TWELVE HOURS LATER
Natsumi: NOW you can read it!
xxxxx
The Reason You Shouldn't Let Your Teenage Minion Watch Movies
Disclaimer: We don't own Naruto (though Natsumi owns Sasuke's soul), Pirates of the Caribbean (though Takara owns everything about Jack except the right to claim she created him) or Severus Snape and his potions class.
It was a boring day in Orochimaru's hideout, lair, den, whatever you wanna call it. As usual, it was sunny outside, and as usual this didn't matter because no one went outside anyway. So, to match our scene, pretend it was raining.
Today, Sasuke watched Pirates of the Caribbean. It was the only movie there was to watch there, because when he was nagging Orochimaru about wanting to see a movie, Orochimaru told him he could only bring three out of his large collection of movies to watch for the next two years (because where is he supposed to put all those movies? He's pretty sure none of his other minions would appreciate movies stashed in their rooms by confused angsty teenagers.). And when Pirates 4 came out, Sasuke nagged him to no end to take him to the theatre, however Orochimaru thought this might blow his cover. So Sasuke is annoyed at him.
That is not the point though, the point is, this morning Sasuke decided Captain Jack Sparrow is his role model in life. Like, seriously, all the girls already love him, and he's already an outlaw so whatever he does now won't even matter! He's practically a pirate. He wasn't sure how to pull this off without the rum though, but he was pretty sure he could do without that. Jack could be insane without rum anyways. The first thing Sasuke decided he needed to do was brag about his awesomeness.
He walked straight up to Orochimaru and stood there, posing Jack Sparrow-like. After being ignored by Orochimaru for a minute, who was turning the page of his book and hoping this was just a phase, not even bothering to lift his head, Sasuke got annoyed and ahemmed loudly.
"Yes…Sasuke-kun?" Orochimaru asked.
"What did you just call me?" Sasuke glared evilly with hatred practically stabbing Orochimaru like daggers shooting out of his coal colored eyes.
"Um…what I always call you?" Orochimaru said, still focusing completely on his book. Which was book was that, anyway, Icha Icha? Sasuke pushed the subject from his mind, and narrowed his eyes at Orochimaru.
"How dare you address me by such a demeaning title?" Sasuke asked.
"Sasuke…you don't have a title," Orochimaru observed, turning another page. Sasuke pretended not to have heard him, but his eyes narrowed a little.
"I, Sasuke Uchiha, the only survivor of the great Uchiha Massacre," Sasuke started. Orochimaru thought this was the first time Sasuke had ever spoken so freely of the Uchiha massacre. "I will not be addressed as merely 'Sasuke-kun'" he spat it out like it was a swear word. "I shall only be addressed as The Great Captain Uchiha Sasuke."
"You aren't the captain of anything," Orochimaru pointed out and Sasuke ignored him again, narrowing his eyes further.
"OR Sasuke-sama for short."
Finally, Orochimaru lifted his head and looked at Sasuke with a raised eyebrow.
"…stop looking at me like that." (Because this is an awkward moment, as the audience, you are being forced to hear imaginary raindrops hitting the roof.)
"So you're saying you want me, Orochimaru, one of the three legendary sannin, to call you, a genin-"
"That's so not fair. I would've been a chuunin if not for your stupid attack!"
This time, Orochimaru ignored him.
"a mere genin," Orochimaru repeated. "-sama? Or 'captain'? At least I call you –kun, you're not even worthy of that!"
Sasuke's eyes were so narrow now they were practically slits.
"I'd forgotten that teenagers go through these petty phases," Orochimaru continued. Sasuke's eyes narrowed even more at the thought of being addressed as a teenager. "If I'd remembered, I would've waited for you to have grown to your brother's age."
Sasuke was so annoyed at Orochimaru that he didn't even realize Itachi had been brought into this. Orochimaru sighed, long and dramatically.
"Teenagers."
Sasuke glared at him so evilly that if looks could kill, the legendary sannin would have had a sword run through him, been vaporized, thrown into a windmill which was in a tank of man-eating sharks, forced to endure a Potions lesson taught by Severus Snape, and brought back to life, then been forced to repeat the process again. Thrice.
"Yes, well, what did I expect of an old person?" Sasuke said, sounding regretful.
"…huh?" Orochimaru had not expected that.
"I mean, honestly, old geezers just don't get stuff like this…" Sasuke shook his head sorrowfully.
"…what did you just call me?" Orochimaru asked, getting annoyed and feeling awfully Tsunade-like.
"Face it, Orochimaru-"
"-sama," Orochimaru couldn't resist, and suddenly felt Kabuto-like.
"OROCHIMARU, no matter how many young bodies you steal, you will always be over fifty, thus making you OLD."
"I-I am not old!" Orochimaru stammered.
"Listen, you slimy git, I've got a jar of dirt and I can bang it over your old head." Sasuke's accent randomly changed to match Jack's. But not exactly, only Johnny Depp can pull that off. "Because, well, son, I am the great Captain Sasuke Uchiha, savvy?"
Sasuke ran as fast as his legs could carry him, feeling incredibly Jack-like as he made his great escape from the angry old geezer chasing him.
xxxxx
Orochimaru: Dude, what's your problem?
Sasuke: Do I know you? Oh yeah…
Natsumi: Smaaaaart….
Takara: JACK IS AWESOME.
Natsumi: Obviously.
Naruto: WHY WASN'T I IN IT? I'M THE MAIN CHARACTER! THE SHOW IS NAMED AFTER ME!
Natsumi: You weren't THERE -.-
Takara: Naruto, I'm sorry to have to say this, but no matter HOW awesome you are, Jack Sparrow-
Sasuke: -coughcaptaincough-
Takara: CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow will always be more awesome! It's like, he's got a suite at a five star hotel on the top of Mt. Awesome, and you're living in a tiny tent maybe five feet off the ground…
Naruto: HEY!
Jack: …stop trying to be like me, savvy? It's…weird.