Who She Wants To Be

Disclaimer: I'm American so obviously the Total Drama Series doesn't belong to me.

AN: Yes, I know. I have three other stories that need finishing, but this just wouldn't leave me alone and I fear I won't be able to update those until this is written. This is actually more of a prequel though to the story I've actually been thinking of—to give a sense of where Courtney's been and where she could go given the proper support. She's not perfect—far from it—but watching her character, I think something was going on behind the scenes. I don't believe that Courtney's home life was as rough as I read in some other fan-fiction, but I don't think it was a happy one either.

It was something that many would call a wake-up call. Many people would live their lives without one until it was too late for anything to come of it. Luckily for Courtney Avez—although she certainly didn't feel lucky—hers came at a young enough age to do something about it. There would still be consequences for her actions, but she could avoid further consequences… she was sure of it.

Courtney lived for her mother; quite literally, in fact. Everything she did was for her mother and she did absolutely everything she could to make the woman happy. And only perfection made Carla Solis happy. Unfortunately by the time Courtney turned seven it was clear that her father, Louis Avez, was far from the perfect; according to Courtney's mother, he proved worthless and therefore a waste of Carla and her daughter's time. The divorce was brutal and had left Louis with next to nothing, all he had left was the few weekends he was allowed to spend with his daughter and Carla made sure that he rarely received that—Courtney didn't need the influence of such a failure. Of course Courtney missed her father, but she couldn't bear the thought of her mother abandoning her as the woman so easily dismissed her husband of eight years.

For the first sixteen years of her life, Courtney worked her hardest to be the perfect student and the perfect daughter. And for sixteen years, she succeeded; adored by her mother as long as she remained valuable… something that Carla could show off.

Then came the fateful day that Courtney decided to sign up for Total Drama Island; her mother had loved the idea—after all, how could her perfect Courtney lose? And when Courtney won, everyone in the world would see how valuable she was and they would know that she was Carla Solis' daughter… all Carla could think about was how she would be able to boast for the rest of her life. But that wasn't how things would play out…

Courtney had made dangerous miscalculations. She failed too many times for comfort with the fear challenge had been her first major and perhaps greatest failure; she had to smack her own face for her mother… she knew the woman was watching. Then there was Duncan and she lost TDI as a result of a revenge plot against him. Life began to slip for Courtney Avez.

Gone was the admiration from her mother's eyes and was replaced with indignation, snide remarks and barely hidden insults. Courtney knew that she had to get on Total Drama Action and win to redeem herself and regain her mother's acceptance. Courtney needed to prove that she wasn't worthless.

She came back to the show with her claws sharpened and her eyes on the prize. No need for friends this time around; she had a goal and she would not lose sight of it again. The teenager began losing her mind to the thought of worthlessness. And the Duncan and Gwen scandal only pushed her further. Courtney Avez would not be discarded so easily! She was not worthless!

After a long season of hard work and strategy, Courtney found herself on top. She had Duncan back and she was in the final four. But this brought a new issue… at this point it was clear to Courtney that she loved Duncan, but her mother certainly didn't. And thus came the list to improve Duncan, her plan was flawless and foolproof. Once Duncan was to her mother's standards, Courtney's life would be perfect once more. She would have the love of her life and the adoration of her mother.

Unfortunately, it hadn't worked out as she planned; she lost the game and broke up with Duncan… until he turned out to be the winner—she could admit that it wasn't her finest moment, but she was overcome with joy at the thought that her life could still return to the perfection she knew. Maybe, since Duncan had won TDA her mother would at least be proud Courtney snagged a winner.

Carla wasn't impressed. Duncan had spent almost all of the winnings on his lawyers and what little he kept was spent on a couple nice dinners and matching tattoos. They were on and off for a good while, but Courtney knew that if she wanted to keep him, he needed to change. Even when she wasn't with Duncan, Carla didn't treat Courtney as she once did. Courtney knew her mother saw her as a failure. She was more her father's daughter than her mother's in Carla's eyes. Courtney knew that. Then Courtney found her last chance at redemption in Total Drama World Tour.

It was here that she was cheated on, dumped and humiliated for the whole world to see. And then—adding insult to injury—she allowed herself to play the fool for Alejandro! It was here that Courtney realized that she truly was as worthless as she feared becoming… but not for the reasons she had once believed. This was her wake-up call.

Courtney shook her head of the thoughts as she loaded up the last of her belonging into the small blue car. She was actually leaving her lavish home and high maintenance mother. She looked back inside to say goodbye to her mother, but all she received was a nod of acknowledgement as her mother said goodbye. No hug. No tears. No asking her to stay.

Courtney got into her father's car and didn't look back as they drove off. Courtney feared being tossed aside by her mother most of her life, but in the end, Courtney wasn't put out. She left of her own accord… she hated the person she had become.

The drive was quiet. Although it hadn't taken much persuasion for him to happily accept his daughter's request to live with him, Louis was about as sure as his daughter was when it came to what they should talk about. The sad truth was they weren't as close as either of them would have liked and this was an awkward situation. Courtney reached over and turned on the radio, not caring what station it was on, just wanting the silence to end. Some Mariachi band played some Spanish song that Courtney couldn't understand—although Louis and Carla were both Mexican, Carla lacked any cultural pride for her heritage and she didn't speak Spanish; because of this she refused to let Louis teach Courtney to speak a language her mother didn't understand.

It wasn't until they finally reached home that Louis finally found the courage to speak to his little girl. "Mija," he began in his thick accent, "are you all right?"

Courtney held her own arms; hugging herself, "I think so…" she answered him.

He grabbed her things while she got out of the car, she took what he couldn't take and she followed him inside the average home—smaller than her mother's home, but certainly warmer. "I never thought that I'd choose to leave… I was always so afraid that she'd stop loving me…" Courtney admitted quietly as they set her things in her room. "I never thought about the person I was… or about the people I hurt and alienated. I don't know if you watched the shows or not… but I… I was so… awful…"

Louis looked at her, "I watched the show," he told her and noticed how her face fell; she'd hoped that he hadn't seen the reality show or her obnoxious behavior. "I cannot say that I'm happy with your behavior… but I understand what Carla can do to a person and it makes me proud that you realize this. I should have fought harder to keep you; I always feared you would grow up as cold as her."

"I was cold… stuck up, selfish, and heartless… and evil… and everything else that everyone ever thought of me," Courtney sat down on the bed in misery hanging her head in self pity. "I think I still am."

"Don't you talk like that," he warned her. "You are not those things; you're a teenager who was afraid and desperate. That girl on that show is not my Courtney, that girl on that show is not you," he sat down beside her.

"I don't even know who I am… if I'm not who she wants me to be… I just… I don't know," she began to cry, the tears burning her eyes as she tried—and failed—to hold them back.

Louis took her chin in his hand and raised her face so she would look into his eyes, "I can't tell you who you are, Mija. But I can tell you, that from what I've seen of the woman you're becoming, she is wonderful. You're choosing to change and that takes much courage."

Courtney smiled tearfully as her father kissed her forehead and she hugged him, "Thank you, Papi. I love you,"

"I love you too, Mija,"

Courtney walked through the halls of her new school. She'd been here for a month now and she was finally getting used to going to a public school—she rather enjoyed it, of course she focused on AP classes, but it was still less stressful than her life was with her mother.

Her relationship with her father had improved quickly and she even managed to make a few friends—however, her behavior on the Total Drama Series was known well in this school. Courtney was not surprised that her peers had watched the show and she was even less surprised to learn that she didn't have too many fans—although she did manage to befriend those who were fans and others who were indifferent to the show. Eventually, the idea of having Courtney Avez of the Total Drama Series lost its hype and she began to fade into the crowd.

And it wasn't until the fourth week that she met someone she never thought she would see again. "Trent?"

Green eyes widened in surprise as two people stood in the cafeteria line together. Not only did Trent and Courtney never believed that they'd meet anyone from the Total Drama Series again, but of all of the people they could have met again, neither teenager imagined it would be them. Courtney was surprised that she hadn't heard about Trent being here, but she supposed it was probably because they were used to him already. He must not have heard about her either from the look on his face. Trent didn't look thrilled to be going to the same school as the crazy former CIT and Courtney couldn't blame him in good conscience. Although she'd never actually done wrong to Trent—one of the few that she hadn't completely ostracized, but then that was because they never truly interacted… in fact the only time she ever remembered speaking about him was when she thought Tyler's name was Trent in TDI and in TDA when she called him a "loser by choice"—she was certainly channeling Carla at that point. Of course, her heart broke for him later and she changed her opinion.

"Wow. Courtney, I didn't think I'd see you around," he finally spoke although not certain of what to say.

She smiled awkwardly, "I'm just as surprised as you."

"I don't remember seeing you here before," he mentioned as they filled their trays.

"I'm new," she told him as she walked with him to a table and sat down. "I just moved in with my father before the school year started."

He didn't mind so much as she sat down with him, he really hadn't too much of a reason to not want her near him. Sure she and Gwen had been rivals, but that hadn't exactly affected him. "That's cool… right?"

"I needed a change… I'm trying to find out who I am. Self discover or something like that. I don't want to be who I was on the show, I don't think that was the me I'm meant to be. Wow; that sounds even more pathetic out loud."

He looked at her, "I don't think it sounds pathetic," he told her honestly. He knew what she'd been like on the show, he'd had his opinion of her, but speaking with her made him think that he'd created that opinion too soon. She might have acted crazy and mean, but even he'd had his own breakdown of sorts. "I think it's great that you're trying something different. Trying to be a better person, it's not what I'd call a bad thing."

She smiled at him, "Thanks, Trent."

More weeks would pass and Courtney found true kinship with her fellow Total Drama survivor. That's what they called themselves, survivors of that dangerous disaster of a reality show. She told him of her life with Carla and even invited him to meet Louis. They spoke of how they both dealt with the fiasco of Duncan and Gwen. They talked about good times they had, the friends they'd made and lost, what they would have done differently had they the chance. Not that they weren't thankful and relieved that the ordeal wouldn't be repeated, Chris had lost interest in using old competitors and claimed the show needed new blood.

Courtney did regret that there wouldn't be another season so that she might apologize to the many people she hurt while on the show. She'd even made a list of those she hurt and what she'd done to them, ranking them by who she felt she'd treated the worst. Almost everyone made the list, including Heather but not Alejandro, Gwen or Duncan. Courtney knew she wronged the latter two, but the betrayal she still felt from her ex-boyfriend and ex-friend was still too strong. She wouldn't be apologizing to them for anything anytime soon.

With the help of FaceBook, Courtney was not only able to find Bridgette, who was the only one who remained her friend over the course of the show, but everyone on her list. She wrote each of them a personal message detailing her regret of what she'd done to them and asking for the forgiveness that she surely didn't deserve.

The first name on that list was Justin.

Courtney had also found a new desire to learn more about her Mexican heritage and its language. Her father was pleased to hear this and didn't hesitate when she asked him to teach her.

Although she'd yet received a phone call or a letter from her mother—and she wasn't holding her breath that she ever would—Courtney was finally beginning to feel happy again. But this time, unlike the happiness she felt as Carla's prodigy, she was happy without the stress of being perfect. That was not to say, however, that Courtney lost any of her competiveness, she was simply less concerned with being the best and happily settled for doing her best. Courtney was finally becoming the woman she wanted to be.

There will probably be a multi-chapter story to accompany this one-shot later down the line, but I'm happy to have this written and hopefully out of my blood so I might finish my other works.

"Natural instincts. There's nothing natural about being thrown halfway across the room." – Blu (Jesse Eisenberg) – Rio