The title comes from the song, "That's What I Want for Christmas," by Nancy Wilson.

When you said yesterday
That it's nearly Christmas-
What did I want,
and I thought-
Just love me
Love me, love me
That's what I want
For Christmas

Chapter 1/4

Timepetalsprompts holiday bingo: wish

The Doctor stared at Rose in horror as half a million Daleks died at once, their atoms turned to dust by the power of raw time—the same power that burned in the eyes of the woman he loved.

"Rose, you've done it. Now stop," he pleaded, unable to look away from her terrible beauty. "Just let go." They had only just begun to explore a romantic relationship; he couldn't lose her now.

She gazed blankly into space instead of looking down at him. "How can I let go of this?" she asked. "I bring life."

The Doctor shuddered when he felt Jack come back to life, felt the immensity of what Rose had done to him. "But this is wrong! You can't control life and death."

"But I can." Rose finally looked down at him, and the determination in her eyes terrified the Doctor. "The sun and the moon, the day and night." A tear streaked down her face. "But why do they hurt?"

That was what the Doctor had been most afraid of, and he dropped his gaze to the floor in shame. "The power's going to kill you and it's my fault." My fault—oh, my precious girl, you shouldn't have done this. Not for me.

"I can see everything." The Doctor's head snapped up so he could look at Rose. "All that is, all that was, all that ever could be."

Time senses. But humans weren't equipped to feel time moving around them like that. The Doctor stood up, his eyes never leaving Rose's face.

"That's what I see. All the time. And doesn't it drive you mad?"

"My head," she whimpered.

"Come here." Rose Tyler had saved him, and now he would save her.

"It's killing me."

He took her hands and slowly pulled her closer. "I think you need a Doctor."

The Doctor's eyes closed when he pressed his mouth against Rose's in a firm kiss. He tried to catalog the feeling of her soft lips against his, knowing this would be the last time he kissed her in this body. Possibly the last time I kiss her in any body, he thought, feeling a quiver of fear run through him when he thought about how she might respond to his regeneration.

He shuddered when he felt the energy of the Time Vortex leave Rose and flow into him. No mortal body was meant to be Time's vessel, and he would soon pay the price. It was worth it though, if it meant saving Rose's life. That was his first wish, that Rose would live. His second was more selfish, but no less desperate—Please, just let her love the new me, he begged the universe.

With Time flowing around them, the Doctor slowly pulled out of the kiss. Looking down at Rose, he could see the last of the Vortex transfer from her to him. As soon as it was done, Rose lost consciousness, and he caught her carefully and lowered her to the floor.

Then he looked back at his TARDIS and slowly exhaled, allowing the ship to reabsorb the energy into her heart. Streams of golden light flowed out of him into the console room, and then the doors gently closed.

The Doctor staggered back when it was done. Already, his internal organs were shutting down, and he had to get Rose into the TARDIS and get them away from here before he regenerated.

He bent down and cupped her face gently, taking a moment to blur her memories of what had just happened. Rose wouldn't be happy with him when she found out he'd messed with her head without her permission, but it would be just as dangerous for her to remember everything that she'd done as it had been for her to do it.

Once the memories were locked away, he scooped her up into his arms and carried her into the TARDIS, setting her down on the grating while he started the dematerialisation sequence. The wrong feeling of Jack Harkness was coming closer, and he had to get away before the immortal man caught up with them.

oOoOoOoOo

Rose's eyes slowly blinked open. She heard the familiar hum of the TARDIS, though it seemed to be clearer now than it ever had been before. They were in flight then, and if the TARDIS was moving, then the Doctor…

She pushed herself up on her elbows and let out a sigh of relief when she saw him leaning against the console. "What happened?"

He barely glanced at her. "Don't you remember?"

Rose screwed her eyes shut, trying to remember what had happened after the Doctor had sent her home. "It's like… there was this singing."

"That's right," he said flippantly. "I sang a song and the Daleks ran away."

He was obviously being facetious, so Rose ignored him, still trying to grasp her own memories. Why can't I remember? There was a gap of thirty minutes in her memory—and how did she know how long it was? She shoved that question aside and sat all the way up.

"I was at home," she said hesitantly, then shook her head. "No, I wasn't; I was in the TARDIS, and there was this light." And that was where the memory ended. The rest of the missing time was gone, as if she were forbidden to see it. "I can't remember anything else."

She stared down at the grating, trying to force the missing memories to return. A headache built behind her eyes, so she gave up after a moment and looked up at the Doctor, hoping he would have answers.

The love in the Doctor's eyes when he smiled down at her made Rose's heart stutter. "Rose Tyler."

Rose smiled shyly. The way he said her name had always made her feel special, and the warm feeling had only gotten stronger when they'd decided to stop pretending they were just friends.

The Doctor chuckled. "I was going take you to so many places. Barcelona. Not the city Barcelona, the planet Barcelona. It would have been a proper date—thought we'd drop Jack off someplace for an evening and take off by ourselves." He laughed, but it sounded harsh, like it was covering something up. "Listen to how domestic I sound—Mum and Dad leaving the kids so they can have a night out."

Any other time, the idea of a real date with the Doctor would have thrilled Rose, but today, his use of past tense was freaking her out. He sounded… he was talking like… "Then, why can't we go?"

"Maybe you will, and maybe I will." The Doctor shook his head, and his smile disappeared. "But not like this."

Rose stood up and stared at the Doctor. "You're not making sense."

"I might never make sense again," the Doctor told her, rambling in the way that usually meant they were in danger and he was trying to distract someone—either her, or the person threatening them. "I might have two heads, or no head. Imagine me with no head. And don't say that's an improvement."

Rose rolled her eyes and smiled at her ridiculous alien boyfriend.

"But it's a bit dodgy, this process," he added, all the humour leaving his voice. "You never know what you're going to end up with—"

She watched in horror as golden light burst out of his gut, making him double over in pain. "Doctor!" she cried, taking a few steps towards him.

He shot her a fierce look that was equal parts command and pain. "Stay away!"

Rose took half a step back. There was something wrong, so very wrong, and he kept trying to pretend like everything was fine.

"Doctor, tell me what's going on."

The Doctor's head bobbed once, then he looked at her regretfully. "I absorbed all the energy of the Time Vortex, and no one's meant to do that." He gritted his teeth and hissed out a slow breath. "Every cell in my body's dying."

Denial slammed into Rose. The Doctor couldn't die. He couldn't, not when they were just starting to figure out what they were. Not when the universe needed him even more than she did.

"Can't you do something?" He was always going on about his superior biology—surely he could save his own life somehow.

"Yeah, I'm doing it now."

Rose's eyes flicked up and down his body frantically, trying to see where he was hurt, and what he was doing to fix it.

"Time Lords have this little trick," he explained, "it's sort of a way of cheating death." He looked down, his face lined with pain, and after taking a few laboured breaths, he met her gaze again. "Except… It means I'm going to change, and I'm not going to see you again."

Part of Rose's brain shut down with that announcement. He wasn't going to see her again? But… no…

"Not like this," the Doctor continued, but Rose couldn't comprehend what he was saying. "Not with this daft old face. And before I go—"

"Don't say that," Rose interrupted quickly.

"Rose," he said, and she started crying when she heard the tenderness in his voice. "Before I go, I just want to tell you, you were fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. And do you know what? So was I."

The Doctor's lips curved in his beautiful smile, and Rose couldn't help but return it. She didn't understand what was happening, didn't understand the grief in his eyes behind the smile, but he was gorgeous like this and she loved him.

The smile disappeared and he hunched over, his arms wrapped around his stomach. Then, a second later, the Doctor threw his head back and golden light streamed out of his body. Rose had a hazy memory of seeing something similar once before, but she couldn't even begin to care. She stumbled back from the brilliant light, covering her eyes until she could tell it was gone.

When she looked up again, her Doctor was gone and a new man was standing in his place, wearing his clothes. The stranger caught his breath, then looked at her.

"Hello," he said, and he spoke in a soft Estuary accent, rather than the Northern tones she loved so dearly.

"Okay. Ooo…" He paused for a moment and ran his tongue over his teeth. "New teeth. That's weird."

Rose nearly snorted. The Doctor was gone, disappeared in an explosion of light, and this… this… person was here in his place, and new teeth were weird?

"So, where was I? Oh, that's right." He bounced lightly on his toes. "Barcelona."

The new Doctor felt regeneration energy still crackling through him as he bent over the console and started setting coordinates. Rose was still hiding behind a pillar, and he tried to forget the shock he'd seen on her face before he'd turned away from her.

"6:00 PM…" he mumbled as he twisted a dial. "Tuesday… October… 5006…" He stepped back from the controls and nodded in satisfaction. "On the way to Barcelona!"

Then he drew a deep breath and turned to look at Rose. He waggled his eyebrows, hoping his own excitement would pull her along.

"Now then… what do I look like?" he asked the woman he still loved. Her brow furrowed, and he hurried to fill the silence before she could tell him something he wouldn't want to hear. "No, no no, no no no no no no no. No. Don't tell me."

Rose looked him up and down, but without the hint of attraction he liked to see in her eyes. Is it really that bad, then? It shouldn't be—as focused as he'd been on Rose during his regeneration, the new him should be exactly her type.

The Doctor kept talking as he examined his new body. "Let's see… two legs, two arms, two hands…" He held his right wrist, moving it carefully. "Slight weakness in the dorsal tubercle."

A new thought occurred to him, and his hands flew up to his head. "Hair! I'm not bald!" he crowed, running his fingers through his new hair. "Oh, oh! Big hair!" His thumbs brushed against his jawline, and he smirked. "Sideburns, I've got sideburns!" he said, feeling them. "Or really bad skin."

Rose still hadn't said a word, not that he'd given her room to talk. He kept going, slapping at his belly. "Little bit thinner. That's weird. Give me time; I'll get used to it."

Something caught on his shirt as he moved his hands around his waist, taking in the new skinny him, and his eyes widened. "I… have got… a mole. I can feel it. Between my shoulder blades, there's a mole." He tried to stretch far enough to touch it, but it was just out of reach. He rolled his shoulders to loosen the muscles that had tightened, and grinned at the discovery. "That's all right. Love the mole."

The tension was too much, and he straightened up and beamed at Rose. When he saw the fear on her face, what little hope he'd had left disappeared, but he kept the smile plastered on his face anyway.

"Go on then, tell me. What do you think?"

"Who are you?" she asked, in a voice more timid than he'd ever heard from Rose Tyler.

His smile disappeared entirely. He'd been afraid she wouldn't like the new him, but he hadn't thought she would doubt who he was. "I'm the Doctor," he said, wincing when he heard the wounded little boy tone in his voice.

Rose shook her head and shifted on her feet. "No… Where is he? Where's the Doctor? What have you done to him?" she demanded, her voice rising at the end.

"You saw me, I… I changed…" The Doctor pointed over his shoulder at the spot by the console where he'd regenerated. "Right in front of you…" he added. How could she not believe he was himself, when she'd watched the entire process?

"I saw him sort of explode," Rose stammered out, "and then you replaced him, like a… a teleport or a transmat or a body swap or something."

The more she went on, the harder the knot in the Doctor's gut became. He'd changed for Rose Tyler, because he loved her too much to let her die. He'd done it trusting that she would be one of the few to stay with him through a regeneration, but this was worse than her not wanting the new him.

After a moment of silence, she crept out from behind the pillar and pushed him lightly on his chest. "You're not fooling me."

The Doctor swayed lightly on his feet, his mind scrambling for a way he could convince her.

"I've seen all sorts of things," Rose continued. "Nanogenes… Gelth…" She lowered her chin and glared at him. "Slitheen…"

The Doctor raised his eyebrows at that. Did Rose honestly think he could be a Slitheen? In this skinny body?

But apparently logic failed in the face of her shock. "Oh, my God, are you a Slitheen?"

"I'm not a Slitheen," he said soothingly, hoping to reason with her.

"Send him back," she demanded. "I'm warning you; send the Doctor back right now!"

The Doctor couldn't take it any longer. "Rose, it's me." He leaned forward, hoping to convince her of his earnestness. "It's… Honestly, it's me."

She stared at him, her chest heaving.

"I was dying. To save my own life I changed my body. Every single cell, but…" He shrugged. "It's still me."

"You can't be," Rose whispered.

There was one more thing he could try, even though it would put his own hearts on the line. He stepped closer to her and looked down into her whiskey-brown eyes.

"Then how could I remember this? Very first word I ever said to you. Trapped in that cellar, surrounded by shop window dummies… Oh—" He looked off into space, remembering all they'd done since then. Then he looked down at her. "—such a long time ago. I took your hand—" He copied that motion, and her hand felt just as good to his new body as it had before. Rose looked down at their joined hands, and he felt a burst of hope that she might be understanding. "—I said one word… just one word, I said… Run."

He looked at her, silently begging her to believe him. Tears filled her eyes. "Doctor," she said, and it wasn't a question.

Relief coursed through the Doctor, and he smiled down at her. "Hello," he said gently.

Rose rocked back on her heels, exhaling loudly. The Doctor darted around the console, feeling both exuberant that she finally believed him and nervous because she still hadn't said what she thought of the new him.

"And we never stopped, did we?" he asked. "All across the universe. Running, running, running…" He flicked a few switches on the console, then looked up at her. "One time we had to hop." He started hopping at the memory. "Do you remember? Hopping for our lives."

Rose didn't smile. She didn't move. She just leaned against a pillar and stared at him.

"Yeah? All that hopping?" he repeated, desperate for some kind of reaction from her. "Remember hopping for your life? Yeah?! Hop? With the…"

But Rose didn't respond, and eventually he stopped hopping and rubbed at the back of his neck—and oh, that was going to be a new nervous habit, he could already tell.

"No?" he mumbled.

Rose licked her lips. "Can you change back?"

The Doctor's hearts clenched. "Do you want me to?"

She nodded quickly. "Yeah."

"Oh." And this was what it felt like to be punched in the gut.

"Can you?"

"No." He'd never really wanted to before, but seeing the hope in Rose's eyes, he wished he could give her this. He looked down at the grating, unable to stand her disappointment. "Do you want to leave?" he asked, trying not to beg her to say no. The irony didn't escape him—he'd changed because he couldn't bear to lose her, and in the end, he might anyway.

Rose's eyes widened. "Do you want me to leave?"

"No!" the Doctor said hurriedly, anxious to disabuse her of that notion. "But…" He swallowed hard. "Your choice, if you want to go home…"

Rose stared at the Doctor, not sure what to think. He'd changed right in front of her—or so he claimed—and now he was sending her home? If he were the Doctor, wouldn't he know she would never want to leave him? A niggling reminder that the Doctor had never quite believed anyone could be that devoted to him snuck into her thoughts, but Rose was still too emotionally raw to accept the logic behind that thought.

Apparently, her silence was the only answer he needed. He nodded quickly. "Cancel Barcelona." He faced the console and twisted some dials, adjusting their coordinates. "Change to… London… the Powell Estate… ah… let's say the 24th of December. Consider it a Christmas present," he said softly, looking at her.

There was something sad in his eyes, and Rose inched her way towards him. If he didn't really want this… if he was doing it because he thought it was what she wanted…

"There." He stepped back and crossed his arms over his chest, with his hands tucked under his armpits, almost daring her to argue with him.

Or does he want me to argue? she wondered, unable to tell if he simply didn't care about her anymore, or if he was only pretending he didn't care so she couldn't hurt him.

The TARDIS shuddered while Rose was still trying to read his body language. "I'm going home?" she asked in disbelief. After all she'd done to get back to him, did he really think she would want to go home?

"Up to you," he said breezily. "Back to your mum. It's all waiting—fish and chips, sausage and mash, beans on toast…" He looked up at the ceiling. "No, Christmas! Turkey! Although… having met your mother… nut loaf would be more appropriate."

It was such a Doctor thing to say that Rose couldn't help but smile.

"Was that a smile?" he asked, sounding hopeful.

"No."

"That was a smile…" he said teasingly.

Rose stared at the console, tracing her fingers over the dials and controls. "No it wasn't."

"You smiled…"

Rose was appalled to discover that his own smile was already her weakness. "No, I didn't," she denied, trying to put some kind of barrier back up between herself and this Doctor—a Doctor who was undeniably attractive, but who hadn't said a word about still wanting to be with her.

"Oh, come on," the Doctor pleaded, "all I did was change, I didn't…"

A loud retching noise interrupted his sentence, and Rose looked up from the console. The Doctor stared back at her, his eyes wide.

"What?" she asked.

"I said I…"

But again, instead of finishing his sentence, he doubled over and gagged. Rose took half a step towards him, wanting to help, but what could she do? She'd never been more aware that her Doctor had an alien biology. Maybe this was normal for him.

"Uh oh."

Or maybe not. Rose cautiously moved closer to him. "Uh… are you alright?"

The Doctor opened his mouth and golden light streamed out of his mouth as he swayed on his feet.

"What's that?" Rose asked fearfully.

His eyes were glazed over, as if he were running a fever. "Oh… the change is going a bit wrong. I'm all—" This time when he gagged, he fell to his knees on the grating.

Rose stared down at him, feeling more helpless than she ever had before. "Look… maybe we should go back. Let's go and find Captain Jack; he'd know what to do." Jack had 100 times her experience with alien physiology.

The Doctor shook his head quickly. "Gah, he's busy! He's got plenty to do rebuilding the Earth!"

His eyes lit on the console. "I haven't used this one in years," he said, and flicked a switch.

The TARDIS shuddered violently, and Rose tipped forward against the console, only just managing to keep her feet. "What're you doing?!"

"Putting on a bit of speed! That's it!" The Doctor danced to the right and twisted a few more dials. Beneath her feet, Rose felt the TARDIS shimmy.

"My beautiful ship!" he crowed. "Come on, faster! That's a girl!"

Rose stared at the strange man wearing her Doctor's clothes. She'd almost believed he was the Doctor before, but the Doctor would never treat the TARDIS like this, at least not just for a bit of fun.

He grabbed a wheel and spun it quickly. "Faster! Wanna to break the time limit?"

Rose clung to the console, more than terrified of what was going on. Where they going to crash the TARDIS? Could you even crash a time machine?

"Stop it!" she demanded.

"Ah, don't be so dull," the Doctor griped, and the derisive note in his voice stung. "Let's have a bit of fun! Let's rip through that vortex!" he said, punching the air to punctuate the comment.

The Doctor looked at her, and fear replaced the mania in his eyes for just a moment. "The regeneration's going wrong. I can't stop myself." His eyes squeezed shut as he groaned in pain. "Oh, my head…"

He bowed over the console for a bare second, then sprung back up, the out of control, manic Doctor again. "Faster! Let's open those engines!"

Something like a school bell rang shrilly in the TARDIS. Rose looked around frantically, then back at the Doctor. "What's that?"

The Doctor sidled over to her, a giddy smile on his face. "We're gonna crash land!" he said gleefully.

"Well then, do something!"

"Too late!" the Doctor chirped. "Out of control! Oh, I love it! Hot dawg!"

"You're gonna kill us!"

"Hold on tight, here we go!"

Rose looked at the stranger across the console and grabbed onto the ship, her gut clenched in fear.

"Christmas Eve!"

The TARDIS crashed into something, and Rose fell face first onto the console, the knobs digging into her belly. Then it hit something else on the other side, and she was knocked to the floor, wincing when the grating dug into her palms.

Finally, they landed with a crash and a thud, and the Doctor bounded to the door and flung it open. Rose groaned and pushed herself up to her feet.

"Here we are then," the Doctor said as he looked outside. "London. Earth. The solar system. We did it." He staggered out of the TARDIS, letting the door shut behind him.

Rose leaned on the console. "What do I do, girl?" she asked, having picked up the Doctor's habit of talking to the TARDIS. "He's actin' all weird, trying to get rid of me, treating you like that…"

The light by the door brightened, and Rose drew a deep breath. Right then. Seemed the TARDIS wanted her to go keep an eye on the mental Time Lord.

"All right," she muttered as she walked up the ramp, "but if I end up the victim of any more of his barmy plans, I'm holding you responsible."