Disclaimer: I don't own Gintama.
Kagura: It's obvious that she don't own Gintama. I mean what kind of name is Decipher Philosophy?! She has the creativity of an eighth grader, aru!
Gintoki: Nah, nah, you can't blame her. She was only in high school when she created this account. At least she's not a full grown man still grasping onto the straws of his boyhood, and arguing with other otakus and weeaboos online with a stupid username.
Kagura: But she might get my character wrong! She might make me sound like I'm a crude child with a huge appetite and monster strength when in reality I'm a grown lady and queen of the Kabuki land. And everyday I drink oronamin c while hanging out with Anego and Soyo-chan! And all of the men are my slaves!
Gintoki: Oi, not every man would be your slave. You forgot about the independent country of Yorozuya, and I, Yorozuya's president, had recently passed the law that every woman can no longer wear panties.
Shinpachi: OI! DON'T START SPOUTING OUT LIES! WE'RE ONLY IN THE AUTHOR'S NOTE AND YOU'RE ALREADY TRYING TO MANIPULATE THE SITUATION FOR YOUR OWN BENEFIT! AND EVEN IF THAT WAS TRUE, YOU'D BE OVERTHROWN FOR THOSE SEXIST RULINGS, YOU TYRANTS! And besides, our characters becoming OOC cannot be helped considering that even though we have our significant roles and characteristics in the anime and manga, we're still unpredictable, and most of the reference jokes would only have locals of Japan understand.
Kagura: Shut up! You don't deserve to be in the author's note since you're the protagonist of this stinkin' fanfiction! *Kicks Shinpachi out*
Gintoki: Eh...What?...What did you say?
Kagura: Hm? Oh you don't know. Shinpachi is the protagonist of this fanfiction.
Gintoki: Eh? Shinpachi? Pachi-boy? Patsuan?
Kagura: *Nods*
Gintoki:...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHH? Wh-Why would she make Shinpachi the protagonist when I'm the protagonist! Oi! Oi! Author! What are you thinking?! Do you really think people would read a story about him as the protagonist?! I mean his wire frame has been looking sharp, and his lenses have been extra intimidating when it shines at the right moment, but who would wants to read a story about Glasses, Eh?! Eh?!
Kagura: She plans on making Shinpachi gay, and have a romance story with Hijikata.
Gintoki: EEEEEHHHH?! Hijikata?! Why would she choose him?! They haven't even had any meaningful conversation.
Kagura: But they would make a good couple! I mean they both play the straight man in their own groups, have dark hair, are samurai, and it'd be super cute if they dated.
Gintoki: Eh? Ka-Kagura? What are you talking about? Why are you talking like this? Is this the author's fault? We haven't even made it into the story, and you're already OOC?!
Kagura: Eh? But a lot of girls who aren't conservative are like this. Gintama have no cute gay couples, so it's completely natural for girls to fawn over the idea of one! That's what Anego told me.
Otae: That's right Kagura-chan! I always expected for Shin-chan to be like that, so I always prepared myself for when he ever decides to bring a man home to help us run the dojo. Hijikata-san is quite an outstanding swordsman, and with his job in the Shinsengumi, he must have lots of money, and it shouldn't be too hard to get some bribes as well since Shin-chan is too cute to deny!
Gintoki: You just want to exploit your brother, so you don't have to do it yourself with the gorilla!
Kagura: Ah, so you agree that they would make a cute couple!
Gintoki: What part of what she said would make them a cute couple! If anything, this is more like a forced political marriage!
Otae: Yes, but Hijikata-san seems to be too strict to be a lover, and his love for mayonnaise might prove to be a problem. Ah! How about the Shogun instead!
Gintoki: In the end, you don't really care for your brother's love or who you're serving his ass to! It's all about the money! And you know he's *** right!
Otae: Oh Gin-san, it's fanfiction, so it doesn't matter if they're **** or ***** or ******. And we aren't canon characters anymore, so why not enjoy the moment.
Kagura: Ah, but Sho-chan and Shin-chan dating would be so boring. Shin-chan is too domesticated, and I heard once that couples are best together if they make up for the other person's flaw. Like how Shin-chan makes up for Gin-san's flaws, and Gin-san makes up for his flaws.
Gintoki: Eh?
Kagura: Gin-san is a no-good, lazy, dirty, stingy piece of shit.
Gintoki: OI! WHO'RE YA CALLIN' A LAZY PIECE OF SHIT!
Kagura: And Shin-chan is boring.
Gintoki: THAT'S ALL YOU HAFTA SAY AFTER EVERYTHING YOU SAID ABOUT ME!
Kagura: But then Gin-san helps Shin-chan get less boring, aru. And Shin-chan helps keep Gin-san in line sometimes, aru! Like a wife, aru!
Gintoki: Oi...Oi, what was that? You're makin' it sound like we should be the ones dating.
Sarutobi: NOOOO! I'll never allow it! NEVER!
Otae: Ah, Sa-chan, what are you doing here?
Sarutobi: I was listening, of course, and I won't allow it! I WON'T ALLOW IT! There's no way that boring glasses-character deserves Gin-san! He's only sixteen, and lacks any feminine qualities like me! Gin-san likes girls with big boobies like mine, a skilled fighter who's also willing to let him do anything to my body, and- *Kicked by Gintoki*
Gintoki: Even if Shinpachi was interested in me, I won't be interested in him. I like women.
Otae: That's not up to you however. You can be straight in the anime, but in fanfiction, everything you are now belongs to the fanfiction author.
Kagura: That's right, aru! And since we're girls, we're safe from getting into that mess!
Gintoki: OI! I don't want to sleep with a guy! I like girls with big boobs with a bit of meat in them! Shinpachi is all skinny and muscular. It's no fun!
Tsukuyo: Yes, but his rear can earn him quite the profit if he would work at Yoshiwara's gay bar.
Gintoki: WHAT'RE YOU DOIN' HERE?!
Tsukuyo: The fanfiction author added me to point out Shinpachi's good parts since coming from an expert of courtesans would make it sound believable and official. *blew her smoke* And I ship Shinpachi with Hijikata.
Gintoki: That's why you're here?!
Sarutobi: So you don't ship that boring glasses character with Gin-chan, do you? Is it because you want Gin-chan all to yourself! You're trying to convince the author to be on your side, aren't you! Well, too bad! Gin-chan isn't the protagonist of this sick love-story, so he is most likely not going to end up with anyone here! HA! But author, if you would, I would gladly sacrifice my body to have an M-rated scene with- *Eyes poked by Gintoki* AAAAAAAH!
Otae: So Tsukki-chan, what are Shinpachi's good parts? I know that he has the makings of being a wonderful housewife and mother, but will those qualities truly earn him a man? For a man to convince another man to love him...It's hard to imagine since it's such a rare romance during our era.
Tsukuyo: I don't know about romance, but I do mean it when I said that Shinpachi's body can bring quite a profit. A youthful, polite yet shy virgin such as himself would make him cost half a million yen (500,000 yen = an estimate of $4,000 US) for one night.
Gintoki: HALF A MILLION! Aren't you overestimating him!
Tsukuyo: A courtesan must be in his or her best behavior, so if you subtract his terrible singing, critical obsession to that pop idol, his straight man attitude, and Gintoki-
Gintoki: Why am I in the subtraction?!
Tsukuyo: Then we have our youthful, polite yet shy virgin.
Kagura: OOOh! Gin-chan, we should sell Shinpachi's virginity!
Gintoki: What kind of heroine are you to decide to sell someone's virginity?! We're not pimps, you idiot!
Otae: Now, now Kagura-chan. We can't sell Shinpachi. Not unless we can sell him for over a million yen.
Gintoki: YOU'RE THE WORST OF US ALL!
Tsukuyo: It may be possible if we were to make a fuss over him. Cast a curtain of illusion over his worth.
Gintoki: OI! Stop encouraging them! This fic isn't about selling Shinpachi's virginity!
Sarutobi: Gin-chan is right! If it were a story about that Megane being sold by the highest bidder, then he would obviously be sold by an OC since Gin-chan and other male characters are either poor OR policemen! And we all know that shipping with OCs is distasteful since you're practically pushing yourself or a Mary sue into the story! It's a terrible idea!
Otae: Mmm, Sa-chan is right. Besides, we are fictional characters after all. The author will gladly give me anything I want, so money isn't an issue.
Kagura: Does that mean that I can drink and eat anything I want!
Otae: As long as it doesn't seem OOC for our readers.
Kagura: Then author, please make our first chapter take place at an all-eat buffet with me winning a food eating contest, so it can all be free with a winning package of sukonbu for the rest of my life!
Otae: Bargan dash for me please!
Sarutobi: Gin-chan's **** and *** for m- *knocked out by Gintoki, and thrown into a garbage bag to be thrown into the disposable waste can*
Gintoki: Chocolate and strawberry milk for me please!
Tsukuyo: Since we're not selling Shinpachi's virginity, I supposed that we should start with the fanfiction then.
Catherine: Hold it right there! Who're ya ta decide when this story starts! We're not even sure that I'm going to star in it!
Gintoki: Eh? Why would you star in it? You're obviously not going to be a part of the story at all except for being mentioned or say a worthless, shitty line or something now and then. You're just jealous that Shinpachi is the protagonist of this story while you don't have a single fanfiction to your name.
Catherine: Why you- *Smacked at the back of her head by Otose*
Otose: I don't really care for what's happening above my bar, but if anything happens, I'll raise the rent. *Leaves with dragging Catherine*
Gintoki: Oi! It's not my fault if anything happens! It'll be all the fanfiction author's fault! Geeze, what is that shitty brat typing this shitty author's note doing making me take all the crap for what she's doin'.
Tama: I am sure that the author was trying to convey that Shinpachi-sama will have people who are looking out for him. Even to those he rarely turns to for help. If I may speak boldly, I wouldn't mind also being there for Shinpachi-sama when he may be in need in this fanfiction, and I do voice my concerns of him being in a relationship with Gintoki-sama or Hijikata-sama.
Gintoki: He's not going to be in a relationship with me!
Kagura: Why is that Tama-chan?
Gintoki: Why am I always ignored?! Is this what a side character feels like! Huh?! Huh?!
Tama: In my data, I do not have information on men's relationships that are romantic, but I'm well aware that relationships have their faults and fortunes. We are all close friends, and if one were to date the other, our lives can change by that. If Shinpachi-sama were to date Gintoki-sama, I am not sure of how the people who have feelings for him would act on this. *Doesn't look at anyone specifically, but there's awkwardness in the air*
Gintoki: I already know that. I am the original protagonist, so it's no surprise that I have many fans after my *****. *Kunais, bullets and furnitures are thrown his way* AAAAAH! WHAT DID I SAY?!
Tama: And with Hijikata-sama...the author plans to do a two-year-skip, so Shinpachi-sama will be eighteen and could be seen as more of an adult, so there can be an equal social standing with Shinpachi and the other male characters. This change can bring a more mature feel to the relationships that Shinpachi-sama may be put in. With Hijikata-sama, I believe the complication lies on Hijikata-sama's beliefs in love and relationships. Multiples times, he had shown to not wish to be in a romantic relationship of any sort due to his harsh lifestyle and lack of self-confidence to give the one he loves happiness.
Kagura: Mmm, when you put it that way, pairing Shin-chan with any of those idiots would be a recipe for disaster, aru.
Otae: You're right.
Kondo: You're wrong! Toshi is capable of giving the ones he love happiness! He is a man of determination and responsibility! If Shinpachi-kun and Toshi were to become an item, then I am a hundred percent certain that Toshi can fill Otae-chan's little brother's heart with love and stability in his life! And Shinpachi-kun can give Toshi both love and reassurance in his life! And if they were to become an item, I'm sure that sooner or later, Otae-chan and I will become an item!
Otae: AS IF THAT WILL EVER HAPPEN! *Punches Kondo unconscious*
*Sarutobi appears covered in trash!*
Sarutobi: That was a worthy argument from the gorilla stalker, but I digress! To pair that megane with that demon is too bland as well! What we really need to give Shinpachi is a foil! Someone who is the opposite! Someone who is cruel and childish! So I vote for Shinpachi to be paired up with Okita!
Kagura: AS IF I'LL EVER HAND OVER SHINPACHI OVER TO THAT SUPER SADIST! *Kicks Sarutobi (I have nothing against Sarutobi, but her getting harmed for her indecent acts and ramblings is hilarious)*
Tama: By my calculations, Shinpachi would be better suited for Yamazaki. They are both considered the normal ones out of their respective groups. After an adventure with Yorozuya or the shinsengumi, it would be nice to see a love one to have a relatable conversation with.
Otae: But they're good enough as friends. Shogun is a better match! Besides, nobody can date Shin-chan without my permission!
Tsukuyo: I still stand on Hijikata-san.
Sarutobi: Why's that huh?! Are you still aiming to being Gin-chan's bitch in this fanfiction!
Tsukuyo: Eugh! Wh-Who would want such a dirty position?!
Kagura: There's noway I'm gonna hand over Shin-chan to the shinsengumi if it means that I have to see that dirtbag's face! I might as well have Shin-chan date Gin-chan instead!
*The girls start glaring at each other with fighting stances.*
Gintoki: OI! Don't go deciding that on yourselves! Wasn't it supposed to be the author choosin' who Shinpachi slept with! *IGNORED*
Otae: There's only one way to settle this! In the world of Yaoi, it's common for the seme to be taller than the uke! Shin-chan is obviously the uke, so let's decide the seme by the stereotypical characteristics.
*The rest nodded*
Tama: Then I shall tally the results. Otae-sama ships Shinpachi-sama with Shogun-sama. Tsukuyo-sama ships him with Hijikata-sama. Sarutobi-sama ships him with Okita-sama. Kagura-sama ships him with Gintoki-sama. And I ship him with Yamazaki-sama.
Sarutobi: Hold on! We should also have multiple other ships just in case our one true pairing doesn't make the cut! So if I can't have mine be the one, then I vote on Kamui or Takasugi!
Kagura and Gintoki: You're really asking for a beating, you low scum bitch.
Otae: Fine then! If I can't have the shogun, then I place my bet on Sakamoto Tatsuma! He owns his own business, and long distance relationships can work through enough patience and loyalty. Shin-chan has both qualities!
Tsukuyo: I cannot think of a good substitute for Hijikata.
Tama: I also can't find anyone else to be a good substitute for Yamazaki, but I suppose that is for the best, because having too many choices would make things complicated.
Kagura: Then let's get started, aru! Author bring all the contestants here!
*I do it to see where this goes.*
Stage 1: Semes gotta be tall cuz of de lean in factor of a kiss
*Shimura Shinpachi: 166 cm
1) Sakata Gintoki: 177 cm
2) Hijikata Toushirou: 177 cm
3) Yamazaki Sagaru: 169 cm
4) Tokugawa Shigeshige: 175 cm
5) Sakamoto Tatsuma: 181 cm
6) Okita Sougo: 170 cm
7) Takasugi Shinsuke: 170 cm
8) Kamui: 170 cm
Kagura: Wow, Shinpachi is really short.
Tama: He is the youngest since all of our participants are older than him. Only Shinpachi-sama is both a main character and a teenager in the gintama series. If we were to add a teenager into the list, there is only Takaya-sama (Takachin).
Everyone: REJECTED.
Sarutobi: I have a question! Why isn't the real Kamui and Takasugi here! Why do we have Kamui's picture on a punching bag, and that pedo strategist and annoying girl from the kiheitai instead!
Takechi: I am not a pedo strategist, I am a feminist.
Otae: The author believes that if they were to be present, then this would happen.
*Kagura and Okita are beating up the Kamui punching bag in sync.*
Kijima: There's noway that we'll ever hand over our Shinsuke-sama to you!
Sarutobi: I take it back! I don't want that terrorist to be with Shinpachi if it means that those two will be here!
Kagura: And there's definitely noway I'm letting my idiot of an older brother in this fanfiction! ARU! *Kagura and Sougo effectively destroyed the punching bag and picture completely, and then wore sunglasses as they lit it on fire.*
Gintoki: Aaaaaah! Don't do it in here! The setting of this author's note is in my house remember! *Douses it with a bucket of water*
Sarutobi: I-I understand...I withdraw my ships.
Tama: Are you sure Sarutobi-sama? If that is so, then Okita-sama, Takasugi-sama, and Kamui-sama are eliminated from these proceedings on who will take Shinpachi's virginity.
Otae: It's probably for the best. Shin-chan can't handle bad boys like them.
Tsukuyo: Shinpachi would be considered an ordinary uke. Sarutobi's choices were all kichiku (brutal/demonic) semes. Hijikata would be considered a kakkoi buaiso (cool and quiet) seme. Gintoki...I barely know this Yamazaki,
Gintama: OI! I know I shouldn't be upset, but I'm really pissed off right now! What kind of seme am I?! OOOOOOOOOOOOIIII! *IGNORED*
Tsukuyo: But by Tama's description, he seems to be an ordinary seme. The shogun and this Sakamoto character are complete mysteries to me.
Kagura: They're boring. We're already gonna get what we want from the author, so there's really no point in adding them anymore, Anego.
Otae: You are right. I guess I will have to withdraw, too.
Tama: Then that leaves three participants: Hijikata Toushirou-sama, Sakata Gintoki-sama, and Yamazaki Sageru-sama. I have considered that this fanfiction would like a more interesting couple, and after searching through my data of past conversations, perhaps the safest choice isn't the best after all, so I would like to withdraw as well. That leaves only two people: Hijikata Toushirou-sama and Sakata Gintoki-sama.
Kagura: Ya-ho! Let's make this story be about these two fighting over Shinpachi!
Sarutobi: NEVER! I will not allow it! I will NOT ALLOW iiiiiit! Gin-chan is supposed to be mine! And no one will e-
*Shinpachi finally enters back*
Shinpachi: Aah, sorry for interrupting, but the author would like to start the story now. This is supposed to be just her note after all. Eh? Why is Gin-san huddled on the floor?
*Gintoki is all huddled on the floor, completely depressed. He hears his name mentioned by Shinpachi and slowly looks over his shoulder with a pathetic smile.*
Gintoki: Aaaah~...Shinpachi! You're back! Is this nightmare over now? Is it really? Tell me it's over.
Shinpachi: Yes...What did you guys do to him?
Otae: Gin-san was still here? I didn't notice.
*None of the other girls did. Gintoki went back to weeping*
Shinpachi: Sigh...C'mon, Gin-san. You can't be like that when the story starts.
Gintoki: I-I'll be fine. Ju-Just start it without me. *Sniffs loudly and whimper to himself*
Shinpachi: Help me get him up Kagura-chan. *The two help their hopeless boss up and put him on the couch with them. All three of them smile for the readers*
Yorozuya: Please enjoy this fanfiction that may never be completed!
*Hijikata just now enters*
Sougo: Aaah, isn't that nice, Hijikata-san. You're going to date that Shimura kid.
Hijikata: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHH?!
Decipher Philosophy: Warning, OOC moments may happen due to these unpredictable characters being unpredictable, and I am not as wise as the creator of Gintama, Sorachi Hidaeki, but I'll try my best. Also not all Gintama characters may appear such as Kamui or others who would not naturally be a part of Shinpachi's day on a daily bases. Thank you very much for wasting you time to read this immenselylong author's note. Enjoy if I actually posted the first chapter and chapters next after that.