A/N: Hi guys! I got around to that sequel for "Wasted Effort?"! It's taken me an embarrassingly long time to write this. But I'm getting that way with anything I write. This could become more than a oneshot, seeing as I've finished my GCSE exams now, I have all the holidays to write! But I'll see how many reviews this gets.
I'd also like to thank Langus, who's the best beta-reader ever! Thank you so much for doing it for me!
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, I do own the plotline of this fanfiction
Chapter 1: Giving It Our All
The stars shone brightly in the night sky above Sereitei. It was a calm, and cloudless night. Nothing but the chirping of the crickets disturbed the tranquil peace. Winter was well on its way, and it could be felt with the chill that hung in the air. Slowly, a small gust made its way through the alley-ways around the 10th Division barracks. Everyone was sleeping peacefully, save one small taichou. The prodigy was thrashing and tossing and turning, bad thoughts plaguing his sleep.
"I'm leaving Toushiro," she announced without a hint of emotion and moved towards the office door. Her golden blonde hair stood out in stark contrast against the pitch black robes of her shinigami uniform.
His expression was a mixture of anger and pain as he gazed incredulously at her retreating form. "Why?" he choked out through a well of tears, "Why are you-"
"Why?" Her cruel laugh sounded hysterically, even more so after she caught sight of the look on his face.
"Because," she spat out harshly, "I've found someone else, someone better."
Her words dripped with contempt, and he felt his inside shatter. His voice was barely a whisper when he spoke next, "Someone else..."
"Yes someone else," she repeated, her patience wearing thin.
"But - I love-!"
"Oh please! What we had wasn't love! It was merely physical!"
Teal eyes burst open, and Hitsugaya Toushiro bolted upright in his bed with his hand clutched over top his racing heart.
"Damn it," he whispered, his breath still ragged, "Why do I keep dreaming about that night?"
Silence reigned overt he small shingami's bedroom and provided no answer to his pained question. He sighed before swinging his legs over the side of the bed and getting up. There was no more sleep to be had tonight. Glancing at the lit-up clock on the wall he noticed it was already 4:30 AM. The cool whisper of the air against his exposed skin reminded him suddenly of just how cold a night it was.
"Kurosaki…" The other shinigami was sleeping in the Tenth Division office, where it would be absolutely freezing on a night like this. With haste, he tossed his haori over his shoulders and almost ran to where his boyfriend was resting.
'Damn it,' he berated himself, 'Why can't I let him share my bed?'
The question had vibrated around in his head every time Ichigo came to visit. It'd been nearly six months since their first date and still he found himself wary of taking things further than a hand hold, or the occasional kiss. As he ran, the memory now fresh in his mind, he remembered just how painful it had been. He hadn't been with anyone until that night six months ago. He realized that deep down he must have convinced himself that all women were going to hurt him in that way. It hadn't been until the day Ichigo had asked him on that date that another possibility had opened up in his mind. If he couldn't trust a woman with his heart, maybe he could trust another man, maybe he could trust Ichigo. Even with that new possibility, he felt it was hard to get close to Ichigo with that fear of being hurt was constantly lingering in his thoughts.
He continued cursing at himself until he reached the office door. No sound emanated from the other side, not even Ichigo's snores. After sucking in a breath to sturdy his nerves, he quietly pushed it open. The boy in question was sprawled out atop the couch lost in the grips of a deep sleep. Throughout the course of the night the blanket had wrapped itself around his hips and become tangled up with his legs, leaving his bare chest exposed to the cool air. Quietly, Hitsugaya approached the sleeping form of his boyfriend. He was amazed that he could sleep barely covered in the cold like this, but then again, there was a lot about Kurosaki Ichigo that amazed him.
A small smile crept onto his face, before disappearing with a sigh. Sleeping in your boyfriend's office while he was lying a few feet away in a cosy, warm bed, wasn't exactly normal was it? Feeling guilty, he bent down and planted a kiss on the shinigami's forehead.
"Thank you Ichigo, for being patient with me."
After tossing a fresh blanket over Ichigo to protect him from the cold, Hitsugaya retreated just as quietly as he'd arrived, making sure to close the door behind him. With the aid of shunpo, he hopped from rooftop to rooftop, steadily making his way towards the edge of Sereitei. For now he needed some space and some time to think.
The hill side he found was peaceful, just the right atmosphere for him to think. Birds twittered in the few surrounding trees. Dawn was fast approaching, and small amounts of light lit-up the farthest edges of Rukongai. Before him lay the enormous Sereitei; it was mind blowing to see how far it stretched in all directions. From this distance it looked calm, just how he liked it.
Of course, when tranquil moments like these occurred something always came along to interrupt them. Hitsugaya knew it would be so this time too. Already he could feel the large reiatsu he'd come to know so well heading his way.
'Damn it Kurosaki, one day, that'll get you killed,' he sighed. Feeling Ichigo's presence behind him he bent forward and hugged his knees into his chest.
"Hey, Toushiro, don't go wandering off like that," came the light-hearted scold from behind him.
At Hitsugaya's silence Ichigo furrowed his brow and frowned. He took a seat beside him instead and looked out over Sereitei.
"It's an amazing view, isn't it?" he remarked quietly. He looked over at Hitsugaya for a response, but the brooding captain kept his gaze forward.
"Toushiro?" he prodded, concerned by the glazed look he noticed in his eyes.
Hitsugaya snapped back to reality when he heard the concern in Ichigo's voice.
"Hmm?"
Ichigo shifted in front of him and took hold of his shoulders.
"Are you okay? You spaced out for a little while there."
Hitsugaya's teal eyes looked into the inviting brown ones before him and he felt the familiar sensation of guilt again.
"I'm fine, Ichigo."
He tried to offer him a reassuring smile to back up his lie but failed miserably. Truth be told, he'd had another flashback. That same memory, the one that haunted his dreams and continued to torment him.
Ichigo'seyes narrowed suspiciously.
"You're lying," he observed bluntly. His large hand suddenly encompassed his boyfriend's. It was warm despite the coldness around them, which surprised Hitsugaya.
"Please, Toushiro," Ichigo began, "If something's wrong, tell me."
Ichigo squeezed his hand reassuringly. His boyfriend normally kept his emotions so bottled up and it hurt him to know he didn't trust him enough yet to share them. His shoulders fell with disappointment as the teal eyes he loved so much looked away from his own. Why couldn't he just open up?
Slowly, Ichigo moved to sit next to his boyfriend and draped his arm around his shoulders. A defeated sigh slipped from his lips when they tightened almost instantly beneath the weight of his arm. Toushiro was always uncomfortable when he tried to hug and kiss him, especially in public places, but right now that didn't matter. Something was upsetting his little taichou, and he wanted to know what it was, so he could help.
"Something's bothering you," he stated, "Tell me what it is so I can help make it better."
Hitsugaya felt a small sob shudder through him and it forced its way out before he could stop it. He turned away from Ichigo the moment he realised his past was what was holding him back from becoming a proper boyfriend to him.
"It- its better if you just g-go Kurosaki,"he whispered painfully.
Ichigo noted the renewed use of his last name and frowned. This was something big. Instead of doing as he was told, he wrapped his arms around Toushiro and hugged him tightly.
"I'm not going anywhere," he reaffirmed before planting a kiss on the top of his snowy white head. He could feel the shinigami quietly sobbing against his shoulder and it wasn't something he wanted to see.
His tone was tender when he spoke again, "Hey, what's this all about?"
After a while, Hitsugaya lifted his head to look Ichigo in the eye and with his voice barely above a whisper he confessed, "I'm scared, Ichigo."
Ichigo's eyes widened with surprise. The Hitsugaya Toushiro was scared? As far as Ichigo could recall, something like this had never happened before. He'd always seemed so impermeable – almost like a well built fortress.
"Scared? What's scaring you?"
The small taichou looked away again, to gaze out over Sereitei. The sight of the sun rising reminded him of their first kiss all those months ago.
"Toushiro, you can trust me, can't you? You know I'll always be here for you."
Hitsugaya wiped away the tears from his cheeks with the sleeves of his shikakshou. He felt distraught. This thing he was scared of- it was slowly tearing him apart and now it was tearing them apart too.
Ichigo had to strain his ears to hear what Hitsugaya said next. "I'm scared of losing you, Ichigo."
The orange haired shinigami's mouth hung open in shock.
"Losing me?" he choked out worriedly, his mind reeling over what could have possibly have made his boyfriend think this way. Hitsugaya's reply was a small nod.
"I'm sorry for the last six months Ichigo - for the way I've acted – I haven't let us get close."
'God,' he thought, 'What am I saying?'
He leaned into Ichigo and rested his shoulder against his arm. "I haven't given our relationship my all."
"What?" Ichigo frowned, "What do you mean?"
Hitsugaya pulled in a shaky breath and let out a heavy sigh. "I haven't given it my all because… I'm afraid my all isn't enough. And if it isn't you'll leave because I can't make you hap-"
"Stop it." Ichigo snapped irritably, causing Hitsugaya's head to jerk upright."Toushiro, this is stupid. I love you and I'm with you for that reason. I don't even know where you got a stupid idea like-"
"It's happened to me before." Hitsugaya's confession brought Ichigo's words to an abrupt halt. Silence filled the space between them as he processed that information.
"What?"
"In my last relationship, all those years ago," the small taichou began to explain, "My partner, she - she cheated on me and then left me because I couldn't give her what she wanted. I can't go through that again."
A sudden rage flooded through him and he clenched a fist angrily at his side.Who in their right mind would do such a thing? Even more so, who would dare do that to his Toushiro? What was important for the moment was making him feel better, the rest could come later. With a serious look he took a hold of Hitsugaya's hand and turned his shoulders towards him so they were once again face to face.
"Listen to me Toushiro. I would never do that to you. I'd never try to hurt you. Don't be afraid of losing me, because that won't happen, not now, not ever."
Ichigo's voice was filled with gentleness and warmth. Hitsugaya could see the sincerity and love shining in his brown eyes, and felt a blush creep onto his cheeks. It deepened when Ichigo moved in to kiss him and he willingly accepted the small comforting gesture. When they broke apart, he apologized again, feeling guilty for ever having doubted him.
"I'm sorry. You're right - I shouldn't have doubted you. After last time-"
"It's okay, don't worry about it," Ichigo replied while gently stroking his arm. "All I ask is that from now on, we both give it our all."
The sight of Ichigo's grin made the sadness fade away.
"Baka. I wouldn't settle for anything less from you," he replied with a mischievous grin. For once he didn't feel those mental boundaries that normally kept him from taking things further in place. Lips still tingling from their previous kiss, he reached up a hand to Ichigo's cheek and stroked it in a fleeting gesture.
'He's different. He'll stand by me, no matter what, won't he?'
Feeling impulsive, he pushed Ichigo back against the ground and straddled his hips. The surprised expression on his boyfriend's face was priceless and his eyes were wider than he could ever remember seeing them.
"Toushiro! What're you-"
"Shut up Kurosaki," he teased with a sly smile, "You're ruining the moment."
The stunned shinigami merely nodded and Hitsugaya took that opportunity to steal another kiss.
"HA! Renji you owe me three barrels of sake!"
Both boys froze in place, their mouths only inches apart. Something about this scene felt vaguely familiar.
"Damn it Kurosaki! You baka! What the hell were the chances you'd be the uke?"
"Matsumoto!"
Ichigo was too stunned to speak and merely gaped at Renji's irritated expression. Where the hell had they come from? Had they been spying the whole time? Like a shot, Hitsugaya vaulted off of him and angrily stormed towards the two spying fukutaichous.
"I thought I made it perfectly clear to you Matsumoto, that you were not to spy on me and Ichigo!"
"Uh, hai Taichou. You did… but you see, I bet three barrels of sake that you'd be the Seme-"
"Stop right there!" he yelled, his eyes blazing. He was in no mood to hear about anyother bets she'd made on him.
Ichigo looked on and watched the scene unfolding before him curiously. There was no way anyone would know that barely minutes ago, the angry taichou had been sobbing into his shoulder and openly confessing about his painful past.
'Which is probably what he was going for,' Ichigo realiseda little belatedly.
Tuning Hitsugaya out, he turned his attention to the glaring Renji, who seemed utterly pissed off over the sake he'd just lost.
"Something the matter Renji?" Ichigo asked with a smirk.
"Oh, no nothing at all, I was just almost certain that you'd be man enough to be the one-"
"ABARAI!"
Ichigo smirked as Renji cowered in the wake of the tenth division captain's wrath. This was a sight he'd be sure to remember for a long, long time.
A/N: So, what do you guys think? Maybe the reviews will fuel my writer's muse, who knows? I can take flames, but be nice about it!