ALL I'VE EVER KNOWN
It's gone, it's gone and it won't come back.
I feel my world shatter as the island where I've spent almost all of my life on melts into the silver morning mist, disappearing forever from my life. Its familiar features are obscured with tendrils of pale vapour, the outline hazy, blurred, and soon the only image I have left of my beautiful isle is the one imprinted in my memory, viewed only by me in my mind's eye. A vast expanse of luminescent fog and clear sea remains in its place; there is no trace of my home left. It was as if my island had never existed in the first place.
That was the last time I will ever see it. I know it; I can feel it in my heart. I sense a painful pang as I come to the realization that my one and only home is gone forever from my life. No longer do numbness and denial hold me in a stoic prison; I now feel the dams break as tears slip from my eyes and slide down my cheeks. I make no effort to brush them away; let them stay, as a tribute to my lost sanctuary.
The deck of the ship rocks in the gentle current of the ocean as it moves serenely through the fog, taking me away from everything I ever knew. I sway along, gripping the railings, too weak with heartache to stand strong. Closing my eyes, I grieve for a childhood lost, a way of life no more and for no place to call home.
For twelve years, since I was three and too young to remember life before, I had lived on the island, grew up there and felt alive there. It was my world, all I had ever known and for it to be torn from me as abruptly as that was cruel and unfair. Leaving the island felt as if I had left a part of my soul behind, stepping on the ship rocking on the sandy shores was like sleepwalking into an execution. Every part of me felt as if slowed down to a sluggish pace, I felt as if I was encased in heavy, dull armour, weighed down by every movement, bound by denial and disbelief. I never let it show however; on the surface I was all smiles and kisses with Ferdinand but beneath the artifice, I felt as if some part of me died the moment I stepped off the beach.
Never again will I tread the sandy coast in bare feet, scour the shores for sand dollars and swim in the crystal clear sea with the fish. Never again will I run and leap through the tropical forest, climb to the highest canopy of the forest and search the horizon at dawn. A torrent of childhood memories floods through me; playing chess on a balmy summer day with my father with hand carved wooden chess pieces, diving for shells among the reefs, roaming wild and free among the craggy cliffs and valleys… even playing games with Caliban when I was a child and he was not so despicable. Dewy morning grass, chirping of crickets in midsummer, stars sprinkling the midnight fabric of the night, witnessing my father's impressive displays of magic which he would occasionally put on just to amuse me… will I ever experience such things again in Italy?
Will Italy have all the beautiful things my beloved island has? Will Father still put on magic shows for me when I am married and with Ferdinand? Somehow, I doubt it; Father's books and staff were nowhere to be seen when we were boarding the boat and he seemed very… odd. As if he was suffering from a withdrawal or melancholy of some sort. Perhaps he had given up magic? The idea is too unbelievable; Father to give up magic? He would never do such a thing! Or… would he? I do not know, but I do intend to find out as soon as I get a chance. As for Italy… all the things that the men (what funny names for such funny creatures! They are so strange and different from barely human Caliban and my father) had talked about on anticipating their return to Italy had been bizarre, foreign things. Cities? Cathedrals? Society? What are those? And some even more confusing ones; cavalry, taverns, and beer? What are the strange things that go along with these strange names?
Having grown up on my island sheltered in its leafy sanctuary from the rest of the world, I know nothing about these complex new objects. I may know how to start a campfire, climb trees and gather edible plants and herbs, I may be able to cliff dive from the highest bluff into the sea below and hunt for game but … live in a city? Interact with people? Exactly how many people are there in Italy? Hundreds? I have never seen more than 2 other humans before the sailors and Ferdinand came along. How many more of them will there be? My palms begin to sweat, sticky on the polished wood railing. There may be hundreds of people. That is a lot. And they all expect me to be queen. And I'm the daughter of a formerly usurped duke of a prominent city and the fiancée of the Prince of Naples. There will certainly be a lot of attention.
Goodness gracious.
I'm feeling so nervous thinking about the sheer quantity of people, attention, things to learn, rules and etiquette, restrictions, manners, courtesy, politics, how to interact, how to stay on everyone's good side, whether Ferdinand will still love me after we reach Naples, what will happen to my father, what my usurper of an uncle will do, and … everything. If merely thinking about the difficulties that lie ahead gets me in such a state as this, with my head feeling dizzy, an invisible hand compressing my lungs and my knuckles growing white on the railings, what will actually encountering the difficulties be like?
Suddenly I feel despair. Why? Why must I be given such a role as this? Why must I leave my island? Oh parting is such bitter sorrow. Why couldn't I have spent my entire life safe and happy with my father on our calm, tranquil isle? Without warning, I've had my life turned upside down and inside out. I had never imagined before that I would marry a prince, get off my island and see hundreds of people in a city. How many days of warning have I had before Ferdinand showed up and my future was rewritten? Two? Three? So much has happened in so little time, it feels like years ago that I was young, innocent and naïve, believing that the island was the only world there is and that my father, Caliban and I were the only humans on the face of earth. So much has happened.
I feel as if I am no longer a girl and now a woman, having experienced as much as I did in such a short time. Thrust into this huge new world, I put aside my emotions for a while and realize that to fail to adapt would be forfeiting survival. Such is the law of nature, after all. Feeling suddenly more mature and a bit ashamed of my earlier bout of childish homesickness, I chastise myself for neglecting the good points in my situation and only focusing on the bad. The world has literally opened up for me and my horizons are so expanded I cannot even comprehend how much potential there is! As the soon-to-be wife of the Prince of Naples and the heir to Milan, I will undoubtedly be treated to a privileged life, one which, according to Father, is granted to few. I might as well stop whining now and appreciate the good turn that Fortune has given me; that I be treated to a future with all basic necessities taken care of. As well as my material needs, I also have a love filled (soon to be) marriage! Ferdinand loves me and I love him just as ardently! We are a perfect match! What more can I ask? I inwardly laugh at my own foolishness, brushing away no longer flowing tears; here I am, off to a life of opportunity, riches, love, power, prestige and with my father and Ferdinand by my side. I have it all. Why mourn for the petty losses when I should be celebrating the grand wins? Yes, the new world is bright and dark, exciting but scary and complex but I can soldier through it. As much as I want to retreat to my dark, safe sanctuary corner filled with childhood memories of my island, I know I will have to toughen up and face this strange new world sooner or later. Better sooner then.
The fog is dissipating as noon rolls around, and the golden sun peeks through the clouds, warming my back and flooding the deck with dapples of illumination. Soon, the sea around our ship no longer is a dull blue; it turns cerulean and vivid. Sparkles of light reflect off tiny waves and suddenly, everything feels alright.
My world hasn't been destroyed, it's only just begun. I may have left my island behind, but more wonders await me upon arriving at Naples. Why be sad when I can be happy?
I lift my face to the warm rays, relishing in the feeling of warmth on my skin and in my heart. I have everything I ever need, and although I may be leaving behind everything I have ever known, at least I have a future, a wonderful fiancé, Father, love, and a privileged position in society. And although I know that I will definitely miss my island, the loss hurts less now and I know that I can always revisit it in my dreams and memory.
That chapter of my life may be over, but a new chapter has just begun.
O brave new world… I think, that has such wonders in't!