I don't know if you ever understood why our relationship really ended. I couldn't have explained it, but I knew I couldn't be what you wanted. I didn't know, not until the coma, that what you wanted was Shannon. You had had your revenge, I agree with Ducky's reasoning, you wouldn't have had it any other way. But you hadn't made your peace with their deaths and you weren't ready to move on. No-one could be her, but she was all you really wanted. The marriages only served as proof of that.
The next time I came into your life, you were hellbent on avenging the death of another woman you cared about. And I knew there was no place in your life for me, even as you admitted you missed me. Even as everything that happened confirmed what I had always known, that you were the one I had never gotten over. You found some measure of peace in the year that followed Ari's death, and we grew a little closer again. Against every instinct, I found hope growing in my heart that maybe this time the timing would be right.
Then you chased a supposed informant into a bomb blast meant to kill you, and I was faced with the terror that this time I had finally lost you. Stubborn as ever, though, you pulled through and I breathed again. The rollercoaster wasn't finished with me yet however. You woke up with fifteen years of your life gone and forgot you had ever known me. As I researched everything I could to help you, I discovered what it was you had been looking for all those years ago. And I watched you mourn them once again, the memory of their deaths a fresh wound clawing at your heart. You insisted on pushing the pain aside again, and finishing your investigation. But as soon as you turned to me after the ship was blown up I knew that you were gone. I could only hope it would be temporary. That you would finally take the time to heal and then maybe this time you returned, you would be able to truly create a new life for yourself.
You came back for Ziva, and finally agreed to stay, and except for the few lingering memory problems you were back with us, still driven, still fighting, but at peace with yourself.
This time, it was me whose issues were getting in the way. It seemed like I was finally going to be able to put La Grenouille away. After all these years the taste of success was on the tip of my tongue. And yet, again and again, he still managed to find a way to slip through my fingers. Having him there, just outside my grasp, meant that I couldn't think of anything else, the pain twisted me up inside. And you felt betrayed by the fact that I wouldn't let you in. I also know that through everything you were worried about me and did everything you could to protect me.
And all I could think was, maybe someday. Maybe someday we'll get it right.