I'll Remember

The door slammed shut. The sound echoed in the open room. I was certain he didn't mean to slam the door, nor did he mean how the sound made me feel completely alone.

Maybe we had been too rash. I noticed it in his reactions that he thought so. I had ignored it, being too elated over the fact that he had married me. When his aloofness was questioned by others, it was not missed by me. Though, I am quite certain everyone thought it was. But I am no fool.

It was only when the door slammed shut that day that my thoughts faltered. Maybe the marriage had not been rash, but it's unplanned outcome was.

His reaction was not what I had expected. Excitement was missing. A vague smile and a quick embrace was the best I received.

The echo seemed to play on forever.

He would return though. He always did. He remembered what I meant to him.

But this time it was different. This time it wasn't just me that he had walked out on. This time he walked out on his new family. His wife and his unborn child.

I sank into the couch, hands placed over my growing stomach. I subconsciously began making bets with myself on how long it would take Remus to return this time. Usually he returned within the hour, but I suspected this time would be different. This was the first time he had walked out on both of us.

No fight had taken place, no heated debate. It was merely a simple discussion on what color to paint the baby's room. I had picked out some color samples and asked which one he liked the best. He said I could pick whichever color I liked, but I insisted on his input. He refused, contending that he didn't care.

That's when he stood up from his quite comfortable looking position on the couch and left.

The faint echo.

Being abandoned, unloved. I feared this not only for myself, but more so for our unborn child. So innocent, so undeserving of this treatment. For the first time I contemplated having to raise a child alone. I never imagined ever having to consider this. In this desperate, dangerous time for all, family needed to stick together more than ever. They needed to be one, strong united unit.

But he had left. The echo ceased. My own breathing dominating my sense of sound.

He would remember. He had to.

Overcome with this new worry, I dozed off on the couch. When I awoke, I was alone. On instinct, I checked the clock. Two hours.

Hesitantly, I called to him.

The sound of nothingness was what I feared and it was what I received in response.

If it weren't for these hormones, I wouldn't be crying right now. No, I needed to stay strong because I had to take care of my child. My son or daughter. Secretly I was hoping for a girl, there was always more time for a son to come around. That is, if he returned.

Every time the door had closed, I would go through the same thoughts in my mind. It was agonizing, tearing me apart inside. But I never dared show it. Blissfully ignorant was how I chose to be seen by others. A spur of the moment accidental wife, was not.

I loved him though. So much that my decision to be seen as a fool was an easy choice. It was one of the easiest decisions I've had to make during this time of chaos.

Not this one though. I had to now take into consideration what was best for my child. Maybe going to stay with my parents for some time would be best for everyone. Maybe if I really left, he would really remember what I mean to him. That I wasn't some spontaneous mistake, nor the child I was carrying an accident.

It would be my way of smacking him in the face, reminding him that I wouldn't always be sitting here waiting for him to come back to me. Yes, when he remembered what I mean to him, I'll remember all he's put me through in this relationship.

I began packing to spite him. A few days worth of clothes. I could always return to get some more if it came down to it.

Painfully, I hoped it wouldn't. I loved him too much. And at this moment, I hated myself for it.

With my small bag packed, I buried myself into the couch once more. A little more time wouldn't hurt. After about ten minutes reality caught up with me. I stood and picked up my bag, heading straight for the door. I paused with my hand on the doorknob, closing my eyes and wishing for Remus to be standing there when I opened the door.

When there was no one there, I made a mental note that wishful thinking only made the situation that much worse. And I had been doing plenty of that during the past few months. It needed to stop, and I was stopping this right now. I needed to do this for the sake of my child, not to mention my sanity.

I closed the door and put my bag down to lock it. After making sure it was secure, I picked up my bag and turned to leave. I walked smack into Remus. For a moment I was elated. I quickly reprimanded myself and proceeded to walk passed him without a word. His arm hooked through mine and I ignored the slight flutter of my heart as he wasn't letting me go.

He eyed me curiously, his voice concerned. "Where are you going?"
"To my parents." I stated, meagerly trying to get my arm out of his grasp.
His eyes widened. "What for?"
This time I was successful in pulling my arm from him. "You obviously aren't ready to be married, let alone be a father."

The anguish in my voice only amplified what I had been feeling for months now. His arms dropped to his side and for the moment I thought he was letting me go, letting me walk out of his life, letting go of the child he would not know.

"I've been a complete…" He paused, looking into my eyes. I could think of quite a few ways to finish that sentence. "I'm scared. No, terrified." He finally managed to get out.
"And you don't think I am as well?" I questioned back.
He took his hands in mine, forcing me to drop my bag. "I've been selfish and I've only come to realize it now. Is there any possible way you can forgive me?"
Part of me wanted to scream 'of course', but I remembered the promise I had just made to myself. No more wishful thinking. "You'll leave again. I can't let you do this to me anymore."
His grasp became tighter, something desperate in his voice. "You have to believe me. I love you more than anything and I can't bear to lose you."
"And the child?"
"He will be the most precious gift I, we could ever receive. And the day we all become a family will be the best day of my life. It will be the happiest I could ever be."
I raised my eyebrow. "He?"
Remus blushed slightly. "Wishful thinking."

I did not respond. There were still doubts floating in my mind, but I desperately wanted everything he was saying to be the truth. He picked up my bag and led me inside. We sat on the couch and he held me for a long time.

Though he has stuck true to his word, I can't forget everything. It has left a scar deeper than I care to have. He loves his son, Teddy, to death. All of the excitement that he lacked when I told him I was pregnant was present and doubled. Teddy is a few months old now as the final battle approaches. He will be left with my mother as Remus and I battle side by side for freedom from an evil, dark future that we can provide our child with.

As Remus steps outside to enjoy the late afternoon breeze, the door shuts a little too loudly behind him. The wind, perhaps. I know it is…

When you remember what I mean to you. I'll remember what you put me through.