It could have been so different, snakes in my heart
ζ
It's true I always wanted love to be
filled with pain
ζ
No. No, this can't be true. Did you just say what I think you said?
The unexpected pain startled her; she wasn't prepared for this but even if she was, what vest could protect her against the blow? His nail-like words picked straight through to her heart, one by one, each squeezing some more life out of her. Oh, sure his lips aimed just as well as his armed hand could. Dearest lips…She felt she couldn't breathe.
Maybe I misheard. Maybe he said something else or, he meant to say something else but the synapses went wrong somewhere in the process. Or maybe he said nothing at all again and it's all part of my fantasy world; and he's only sitting there in the most awkward silence, pretending that his thoughts are ocean deep when he knows I know he's clueless and the only ocean thing in him is his eyes.
"Sara…"
His own voice felt strange as the zillion-spoken phonemes came out. He had done it. Said what he had to say. Did he really?
Keeping his eyes fixed on the
supervisory papers-anything but her face!-the letters grew to dance
in front of him now, sending painful signals to his overloaded brain,
worsening the headache if that was possible.
When he dared to look at her again he
was frightened. The agonizing face staring blankly at him had nothing
to do with the sunny, cheerful person who stepped through his office
door just moments ago. Quickly clearing his voice, he repeated with
vivid desperation:
"Sara!"
She could see his lips move again but it was like nothing came out. Some primal self-defense mechanism had apparently come to her rescue, carrying her into a state of deaf-muteness. She was relieved she wouldn't have to hear any more of this. Instead she could retreat to her own happy thoughts, when his name blinking in her beeper was still holding a promise for the end of this shift.
You should be holding me in your
arms now honey, whispering another little clichéd word of love
so I could tease you for it, pleased that you said it all the same.
Or
maybe no words are needed at all. We never needed them anyway, we always
said everything by saying nothing –god, you were good at this! And
I learnt with time didn't I my love?
"Please Sara…"
He realized he was going hysterical now but it was impossible to stand her silent stare any longer. Two brown waves threatened to drown him.
"…please say something."
It was so ironic; seeing him begging her to say something. So her silence was torturing Grissom? Well, she wouldn't mind sharing the pain. Things could have been different…they should have.
I have seen it played in my head so many times I swear it did happen one day. You were the one waiting for me; lying in our bed wearing a strange shirt I've never seen before and a playful sparkle in your eyes. And I came to you slowly, almost dancing my way, silk robe (the one I bought hoping you would like), barefoot, bare heart, closer and closer. I wanted to make love to you then but I just took your hands between mine. Inevitably your soft curls were locked between my fingers once more as I pulled you closer -once more- to hear you whispering
"It could have never worked for us…"
He
bit his lips a little too hard. Shit! He had to say something to
break the deafening silence but his words kept coming out wrong. And
that's exactly why he had stayed away from talking to her all that
time.
The salty sweet taste of blood turned
his stomach. A hollow breath;
"...could it?"
Sara felt the urge to stand up, grab the man by his shoulders and shake him over and over.
How do you know that dickhead? How do you know what could happen if you won't give it a chance? But you've got it all worked up in your smart brain of yours haven't you? Positives on the left: beauty, love, frequent sexual intercourse; negatives on the right: the emotional risk outweighs them all; but you are wrong Grissom, damn you!
As if the accusations had really been spoken she fell back in the chair, exhaustion waking up the self-pity she thought she had buried deep a while ago.
Why do you choose emotionally unavailable men Sara? Why can't you let him go? Maybe rejection really turns you on, doesn't it bitch? Maybe being the victim is all you've ever identified with!
She wanted to argue the cruel voice always sneaking in her head but all that came out was a whimper:
"No…"
The cut short agreement surprised him and hurt him, though Grissom would never admit it to himself. Did she honestly believe they weren't meant for each other? Because he wasn't sure he did himself. Wouldn't she try to change his mind then?
"Good…um…let's…"
No…please, don't this to me.
Sensing the risk did nothing to hold her heart and eyebrow from lifting up with hope…
"…let's just stay friends. I want to be your friend."
…only to fall on the floor again, like some used glove.
"Don't you, Sara?"
She
had to pull all her strength to look him in the eyes -were they wet
or was it her own tears blocking her vision? Strangely enough, they
calmed her. Didn't they always?
There
was a chord it seemed, he always managed to touch.
It's ok…ok my love. I know you tried to feel...
It was just a dream, only a dream.
"Yes…"
Choosing to ignore the sadness in her sigh, Grissom felt relieved now; he wouldn't have to lose her. Everything could go back to normal; he and Sara and the lab. Together. They had sorted things out and they would be fine.
His world was fine.
But it could have been all so different. My love.
ξξξ
A/N: Inspired by my most precious GSR moments, "Snakes" scene and Grisslybear's music video "Feel". This was written for her and edited with her help. All lingering mistakes are mine.
Disclaimer: CSI was never mine but GSR in a way is. It belongs to all of us.
"It's true I always wanted love to be filled with pain" -Cripple and the Starfish, Antony & the Johnsons
"Give me the words that tell me nothing, give me the words that tell me everything" -In a manner of speaking, Nouvelle Vague
"I know you tried to feel" -Parisienne Moonlight, Anathema