Confessions

by clarity queen

This is just a little fic about Spike in his pov. The backstory is pretty much easy to guess. It's season 5 ats but Spike is staying with Angel.

The Confessions of William Pratt a.k.a William the Bloody a.k.a Spike.

I'm aware that I'm a vampire with a soul who's killed two slayers and helped save the world on numerous occasions. I'm aware that Drusilla is my Sire, Angelus is my Grandsire, Darla is my Great Grandsire and do forth. I'm aware that I currently reside at Wolfram and Hart, a law firm in Los Angeles with my previously mentioned Grandsire who is now referred to as Angel. Yes I'm aware and I'm aware that everyone else is aware but there are a few things that I'd like to make known to myself for future reference and clarity. When the hard times come I may need to know that I know myself as well as I do. Here are some things I need to say;

1. I'm not very tall. - I will never publicly admit this but sometimes I do feel how very small I am. I'm not a big guy after all. I've been told that if I was human I would be decidedly anorexic. I don't let it bother me. I can talk as big as anyone here and I can fight my own battles. Sometimes I just feel it though. I was never so small in Sunnydale. I was always taller than the girls and at least Harris' height but here in L.A., sometimes I notice that I'm quite short compared to the others. Especially compared to Angel who never mentions it. Sometimes I think it's not that I'm not tall it's just that I feel so small here. In this big place, where I have no place I can really feel how very small I am. Sometimes I tell Angel about this feeling and he says that even if I became so small, he would never lose me. That makes me feel bigger.

2. I have to scream for at least ten minutes every morning. - Angel actually recommended this to me. It made realise that I was so angry. Every morning I wake up and scream my lungs out into my pillow and then take a nice hot shower. It makes me feel better. It made me learn that I have to vent my anger and frustration in a healthy way. I push myself into so many fights that I don't think I can win. I want to shout and cry and tear my hair out. I want to rip myself apart because I can't deal with it. the whole screaming thing has really worked so far. I feel a little more relaxed after my nightmares.

3. I think I'm afraid of the dark. - This is the most embarrassing item on my list. Ever since the whole bloody Pavayne ordeal I've been feeling it. It's not all the time. It's not that bad. When I wake up after a nightmare and it's dark, I just get a little scared. Angel figured it out a while ago. He leaves the kitchen light on. He says that he likes to keep it on in case there's an emergency and he has to get up quick but I just know he does it for me. He checks on me before he goes to bed. He thinks i don't know but sometimes I can feel him in the doorway. He watches me and keeps the shadows away. Fred bought me a stuffed animal. His name is Damien and he's a rabbit. He has soft black fur and dark eyes. Now when I wake up there's Angel in the next room, there's a light on in the kitchen outside shining in and Damien is snuggled into my side. It's not so dark anymore.

4. I'm not stupid. - No seriously, I'm not as stupid and senseless as everyone seems to think. I go with my instinct and my heart most of the time because I don't want to live in my head. That's a scary place. I read sometimes and I've gotten back into writing. Nobody knows this of course, not even angel. Lately I've actually been a lot of help with research and languages. This is something I need to remember for my own survival. My Mother always said I had a good head on my shoulders and I believe her. I need to believe her. If there's something out there waiting for me it's nice to know that I don't need to fight. Gunn may deny his early role as the muscle but I don't think you have to be one or the other. It's okay to be smart sometimes and sometimes it's okay to be strong.

5. I matter. - This is the most important thing to me. I'm not insignificant. I'm not ruled out. I have people who care about me. I have Wesley to discuss books with, I have Gunn to play tricks with, I have Lorne to listen to me and drink with, I have Harmony to laugh with, I have Fred to watch scary movies with and pretend I'm not afraid with and I have Angel. I really do. I'm so lucky. I matter to him. I realised it one morning when I woke up in his arms in his bed. There was a terrible lightning storm in L.A. and there was a power cut. It was dark and Angel and I were in his apartment arguing, when suddenly it happened. The noise of the thunder frightened me to pieces and Angel just knew. So we stopped fighting. He made his way to me in the darkness and pulled my trembling body to his. He moved us to my room and grabbed Damien. I was confused when he grabbed the stuffed animal and ushered me back outside and into his room. Slowly he removed my boots and my jeans and his own and settled us under his bedcovers. He put Damien in my arms and pulled me gently into his own embrace. I was shocked. I settled into his embrace and away from the noise outside. He whispered calming words to me and held me tighter as I shook. I don't remember when I fell asleep but I remember he kissed my forehead gently and smiled. The next morning I woke up and he was still there asleep. His arms had never abandoned me and the smile had never seemed to leave his face. I mattered to him. i matter to him. I'm grateful.

So I've learned some stuff about myself in writing this. I've learned that I'm a silly little man with a reason to stay exactly where I am and keep doing exactly what I do. If they need me, I'm here and I know that I can help. If he needs me, I'm here.