Last night was the tenth consecutive night that I went to bed and didn't think of you once. I drifted off and slept through the whole night. I didn't wake up missing you. I didn't dream of you. In fact, this is the first time I thought of you since we last spoke.

I thought I was making progress. I've spent so much time convincing myself that I was a stronger woman. That I could go out, do things, live without you.

Hell, I even let a friend at work talk me into going to a bar with her. Me, at a bar. I was always the self pity drinker used to sitting on my own couch getting trashed while I thought about us. Well not always, only in the time since I lost you. But this newly discovered me told her I would love to go to the bar. I put some make up on. Fixed my hair nice. I even let a guy buy me a drink. Yeah, you'd have a laugh at that. I'm kind of laughing inside too. But the guy is really nice, and he's scorching hot might I add. He says he's from Los Angeles, and he's telling me all about life in California. It's actually been great conversation so far. His name is Alex. He's quite the charmer. And he's been making me laugh. A man hasn't been able to do that since, well, since you. But not even that fact made me think about you, or compare him to you.

He asked me on a date. And I started to think that maybe a date would be good for me. I need to get out there so my life could be just a little less pitiful. I don't need a new man or anything. But a distraction would be so nice for a change.

But that's when you texted me. "Hey, Lee. Sorry if you're asleep. But I just woke up from a strange dream and I can't really go back to sleep. I can't seem to stop thinking about you tonight and I guess I just wanted to tell you how much I miss you. I wish things turned out different. They way we planned them to. I've told you a thousand times, but I really hope you know I never meant to hurt you. If I had a choice it would be you every time."

I forgot where I was for a while. I forgot about Alex. And I forgot that I was supposed to be over you by now. My insides where turning uncomfortably. Not because of the butterflies that you would assume I had fluttering inside me. But I was feeling sick. Everything comes rushing back with just one look at your name on my phone. It's sad.

I thought that all of these feelings went away. It's like you know the perfect shit to say to ruin my entire night. First you ruin my life, now I'm getting back on my feet and you find a way to ruin that too. God, I hate you. I hate the girl you turned me into. I hate what you did to me. I'm just full of so much hate when it comes to you. I caught an attitude and told Alex no to the date. He seemed really hurt. He didn't deserve that from me, but I'm not thinking clearly right now. I lost my manners. But he took that as his cue to leave this bipolar bitch alone.

I don't know if I'm angrier at the fact that you sent me that text or the fact that I texted you back saying "I miss you too. So much." Damn you, Sam!

I take two steps forward and one message can take me a hundred steps back to you. Fucking pitiful.