The characters are not mine. They belong to Isayama Hajime.
Note: I wrote this in my Math class so there are a bunch of mistakes(the best thing about high school in Vietnam is that we can use cellphones in class). My writting is wack but please be gentle!
"Tell me, Levi..."-Petra whispered as she settled down in front of me. Her red hair touched her small shoulders when she leaned forward to grab my hands that had been laid numb on the table for a few minutes. She held them. Her hazel eyes gleamed with expectation. Wide opened were they. Stare right into my soul did they. She was lovely and had always been.
I knew what she had asked me. However, I didn't know where to start. There were so many things going on in my head at the momment. I struggled for a long time to find the right words. I knew she had expected this but I had never and maybe would never truly believe that she could not be hurted no matter how soft the words I would use.
Instead of giving her the answer for what she had asked. I held my breath for a second and signed,"tell you what ?". I could see the little movement of her eyebrows as she disappointed by what I had said. They frowned then stretched out again, but not relaxed.
"About the person you love...what happened ?", this coming from Petra-whom I had chosen to marry.
"What about the person I love ?"- I felt a twist in my stomach as words escaped my mouth. We both had gone over this several times. It all started with Petra looking lovely and expecting and waiting while I wore this look of a concerned coward.
"You certainly don't love me", she lowered her head down looking at the table,"...don't try to hide it anymore, Levi. We both know it's not going to work if you keep hiding things from me".
"Whoever you are talking about, i don't love them", I said. I could feel a slight sight of anger in my tone. I took my hands back, escaping them from hers. I felt uneasy for most part and what she had said, had asked or were about to ask I already knew all the answers. I just didn't have enough courage to tell her the truth.
For a moment I wondered what the truth was. The fact that her love meant nothing to me? Or the fact that I had always been in love with one and only one person the whole time ? I don't know anymore. Before I started to get fully inconvenient, I stood up and walked to the bedroom. I shut the door in front of her. Hard. A loud "bang" hit the air and added up to the heaviness in my chest. My back faced the door. My arms laid dead. My legs started to tremble. I sat down in the ground. Hung my head.
For the first time in so long, I cried.
...
It was the fourth of July when I first met him. He was still a high school kid. His smile was so bright and so innocent I could feel my heart beat faster than usual and my breath got heavier, but, overall, I didn't hate that. His eyes were breathtakingly beautiful. They were too green to be real, too happy to be true.
His name was Eren. Eren Jaeger. A german boy who belonged to the summer. He had sun-kissed skin that shone under the beams of summer sunlight. I could never forget the way his brown hair flew around his forehead when the hot wind of a summer's night blew as we held hands in the middle of the cornfield.
He was my first love and might be the only one.
It was my birthday when we had our first kiss.
He had jeans and boots on. We lied at the back of his father's red chevy truck. He whispered something in my ear but I didn't know. I was busy on studying the way his eyes shone under the moonlight. They were like a cascade of green diamonds.
Wind was blowing above the cornfield. It was peaceful when he lied in my arms. As we shared the kiss, the wild wind of the countryside blew stronger and faster. We both shivered and giggled like a kid.
I was 20 and he was 17. Our love was forbidden.
Thirteen of August when we had our first night together. His parents left for the city for the weekends. My parents no longer existed on this Earth.
My heart melted when he whispered:"I love you" into my ear. I never felt so happy like that before in my entire life.
He started university no longer after that. He moved to the city. I was left alone, but, I knew for sure we would definitely continue. We were so strong. Distance meant nothing. I didn't mind spending few hours driving to city to meet him and he didn't mind going back to see me either.
After he graduated, we bought a small flat in town and moved in together. Those were the best days of my life. I loved waking up in the morning seeing him curled up beside me. I loved his crappy cooking. I loved the way he sang in the shower. I loved how he loved wearing my shirts. I loved spending everyday with him and him only. We continued for three more years.
Somebody said happiness was a fragile thing. They were right.
It was three days before Christmas when I caught him. I was back from work, dropped by the mall to buy him his present. I had worked hard the last few months to buy him a key necklace he had always wished to have. For him, I would do everything and anything because I knew he had always done the same for me.
As I held the box in my hands, I felt so proud of myself. I imagined the way his emerald eyes gleamed with merry when I gave him the necklace just like when I confessed to him in the cornfield four years ago.
But there he was, sitting in the cafe we used to go every sunday morning with a stranger. That guy, the stranger, had blond hair and blue eyes. He looked rich. So rich. He wore a coat which I had always dreamt to have. Every detail on him screamed he had an enormous fortune. I stood their in the corner and watched. The box in my hand was held tightly. Too tight. He was handsome. Way more than I could ever be. For a minute, I smirked. Well, with his fucking rich look, he seemed to be able to buy a lot of things. He seemed to be able to buy Eren a lot of things. They laughed. He touched Eren's hair. They laughed again.
I didn't know how to react. Disappointed ? Too soon for that. What if they were just friends ? Worried ? Yes, a little bit.
I went straight home. I didn't look anywhere or at anybody. I ignored the neighbors. I just walked with thoughts surrounding my mind. Dark thoughts. Bad thoughts. Who the heck was he ? Why the hell was Eren there with him ? What the fuck were they doing ?
I rushed through the door. I hid the box. I showered. I cooked dinner. I did things in a blink. I acted like nothing happened. That evening, Eren came home wearing his best smile. He seemed so happy. I didn't ask. I didn't say anything. We ate in complete silence. I guessed I had understood.
My mind was a mess that night. Every darkest thoughts danced around my tiring mind. He was soundly asleep. I was wide awake. I looked at his beautiful sleeping face. The bridge of his nose was tall and slim. His breath was peaceful. His eyelashes were too long they touched the skin under his lower eyelids when he closed his eyes.
For the first time in these four years, I doubted him.
He was my savior. He saved me from my old self that couldn't stop smoking and drinking and hurting myself and destroying all the good chances life had offered. He came along with an innocent smile, bright eyes, sweet words and changed everything. I learned the right things. I started to know how to appreciate life. I cared more. I loved more.
Maybe I was just overeacted. Maybe they were just really friend. I told myself over and over again those maybes. Something still cut.
Maybe they were more.
The next day I followed him after work. There he was again. In a cafe with that guy. They were as happy as yesterday. I held a fist in my hand. I was angry, mad, confused, disappointed, worried. I was a mixture of uneasy feelings. Without any second thought, I came rushing to the cafe. I grabbed that guy by the collar. I pushed him out of the cafe, into the street. In a momment, I saw my old self once again: those days that I fighted with the other school kids, those days that I turned down everybody who cared for my safety. I stared into his blue eyes and they reminded me of that kid I beat in high school who had got enough nerve to told me that my parents died so they wouldn't have to put up with me. That guy couldn't use his left hand anymore.
I did things as fast as a blink of an eye. Pinned him down. Punched him. He hit me back few times but I didn't care. I didn't care what people were saying. I didn't care what Eren was screaming in the background either. He was calling my name for sure.
Too late, I couldn't stop now. Once I saw blood on his lips, I couldn't control myself anymore.
There was a scream of a lady. The guy stopped hitting me back and stared over my shoulder. Cars stopped.
That guy was trembling. He yanked out of my hold and started running down the road. I could swear I'd seen his eyes opened widely. Shockingly.
I sensed something was wrong. Everything seemed to have stopped moving. It was all a blur. I turned around slowly. As I saw blood on the road I stopped breathing.
There he was, lying on the cold hard ground covered in blood. Everybody ran to him but I froze. I couldn't believe in my eyes. I couldn't hear anything anymore. I couldn't think anymore. I thought I hear my nerves broke like glass hit the ground in my head.
For the first time in so long, I felt terrified.
The next day and days after that I locked myself in my room. I cried like a baby.
fuck, fuck, fuck
Why did I do that ? Why didn't I ask him ? Why, just why ?
Too many whys drove me crazy. I packed all of our photos in a chest. Locked it. Hid it in the closet next to the box.
...
I didn't remeber how did I manage to get over this and got married to a woman. She was pretty, but, never and ever could she fix a hole in my heart and erase all the guilts I felt in my guts everytime I heard his name from the neighbors, from his parents, from that guy.
...
Few days after his death I found a letter written by Eren.
Levi, I don't know for sure when will you read this letter. I just wanna tell you I love you and since it's Christmas I've got you a present. Do you remember my oldest cousin, Erwin, from Detroit? Well, he sells houses and guess what! I just bought a house from him for us! We have almost done all the papers and the price is super cheap, honey...
I couldn't read further. I couldn't cry. I didn't know why. Tears just wouldn't fall down. I fell to the ground on my knees and screamed at the top of my lungs instead.
Few months after his death, I struggled. I came to see the house several times with Erwin. It was ineed beautiful but deadly. I couldn't move to the house the love of my life had bought without him. I just couldn't face the fact that he wasn't there when I woke. Wasn't there to cook all the bad dishes. He wasn't there to kiss me good morning and good night. I couldn't deal with the fact that part of his death was my fault. If he hadn't chased after me when I beat the fuck out of Erwin, that car wouldn't have crashed him and broke him to pieces.
Everytime I went to see his grave I puked, I screamed, I struggled to breath through my nose. Oh how I wished the person lying in the coffin was me. Not him. Not his brown hair. Not his emerald eyes. Not his innocent smile.
Few years after his death, I worked hard to go back to life. I met Petra. I thought she could do something about that but she couldn't. I still missed him. I still hated myself. She was a good friend. She took care of things. She was a grown woman. She handled things on her own with her intelligence. She, although, made me forget some part of my past but I couldn't share the things I had done with Eren with anyone else. It wasn't the same. It would never be the same.
Then I felt sorry for Petra. She deserved a better person. I didn't want her to sacrifice all her love for a coward who wouldn't let go of the past to move on like me.
Then the day came. She found the box I hid in the closet. We fought but it wasn't her fault. She didn't know. That was when I knew I must say goodbye to her. I needed to give her another chance with another person better than me.
...
Damn, I dreamt of the past again
When I went back outside , Petra was sleeping on the couch with tear marks on her cheeks. I did thing in a blink again because everytime I did things slow, I started to have thoughts. Dark thoughts. I couldn't live slow like when Eren was here anymore. I packed my things. I wrote her a few words. I took the chest. I put the box of the key necklace next to her with my note.
"You can keep it", it said. "You deserve better. Don't go looking for me."
After that I left, in the middle of the night, on my red chevy truck. I drove to everywhere, anywhere, nowhere. I didn't want to stay or never would want to stay.
Saigon, 8/16/14, 2:25pm