A/N: I am in Kingdom Hearts hell waiting for KH3. I just finished DDD again and got smacked with the SoRiku feels, as one does.
His Guiding Light
He had done it… He had freed Sora from sleep. And yet, when he woke, the first face he saw was Mickey's. The sound of Sora fighting over a piece of cake reached his ears. He barely had a chance to sit up before his best friend was hugging him tight and giving him a big kiss on the cheek. Riku felt light-headed, but whether that was because he had just woken up, he couldn't tell. Since when did Sora give out cheek kisses?
Sora held on to Riku tightly, as if he might disappear. "I missed you, but I know you were always with me."
Donald almost had to drag Sora off the poor man. "Maybe you should get Riku some tea."
After a small break for refreshments, Yen Sid announced their results. Sora was overjoyed for Riku, to the point Riku believed he had misheard and that Sora had in fact passed.
Ooo
That evening Riku sat on the edge of the floating island that the Mysterious Tower was built on, legs dangling. He was exhausted, but sleep was evading him, so he came here to watch the world go by and calm his mind. Lots of things had happened, lots of things had come to light. Yen Sid had let on to some things, but would reveal more tomorrow when the keyblade wielders were refreshed. But these were not the things that kept Riku up tonight. Instead he was having less world-threatening troubles, although they still concerned the heart. After all this time, maybe the moment had come to speak up about certain feelings he had. Earlier, for a moment, he had thought he'd lost Sora to sleep. In that moment he worried about losing his friend again for another long period of time; a year was quite long enough. Even if nothing came of it, he at least wanted Sora to know how he felt. The last thing he wanted was to fall into darkness without him knowing. To fall with regret in his heart.
"Riku!"
Sora came over and crouched beside him.
"I thought you were sleeping," Riku said.
"I think I've done enough of that today."
Riku cocked a brow. "Was it that restful for you?"
"No, but I think I've got a bit of a sugar rush from all that cake."
Of course, that made sense.
"But why are you sitting out here all alone, Riku?"
"Couldn't sleep."
"Oh." Sora knew Riku had trouble sleeping. He learnt all about the nightmares that plague his friend in the run up to their exam. "Wanna talk about it?"
Riku stared out at the forest on an island in the distance as he contemplated his answer.
Sora put a hand on his shoulder. "It's okay." He was about to leave, but Riku caught his hand.
"Don't go."
So he joined Riku in dangling his legs off the side of the island. Silence filled the air. Sora sat there wanting to be the one to break it, but he waited patiently for Riku to come up with the words.
No words came at first; he only took Sora's hand and held it. Sora continued to wait, sneaking a peak a Riku's face for some indication of what was coming.
"I –"
No, no, no. He thought he had built up the courage to come right out with it, but at the last moment it caught in his throat.
"Riku…" Sora was at a loss too. He was growing more concerned every second. "Would you rather talk to Mickey? Or maybe Lea?"
"No, it's not… It's not about the nightmares or anything."
That was a relief, and Sora let out a sigh. "Is it something else that happened today then? Or during our time in the dream world?"
"Not really, kind of…"
"Riku, if you don't want to talk about it, then you don't have to."
"No. I need to tell you." He just didn't know if he could make his lips form the words. But he was this far into working himself up; he couldn't duck out now.
"Right now? Maybe you want to do it tomorrow?"
"No, I'm almost ready. Just…shhh for a moment." In that moment Riku relaxed his body as much as he could, and cleared his mind. With his eyes closed he took a deep breath, and then as quickly as he could, in one breath, he said, "I love you, Sora."
"I love you too," Sora replied without skipping a beat.
Riku gave him a look of disbelief. He had just spent all this time and energy getting these words out, and here was Sora saying them nonchalantly.
"What?" Sora asked.
"You." Riku sighed. Why did he have to make this so much more difficult? No, not today. He was done. Riku stood up.
"Hey, wait, Riku! Riku, no, what's wrong?" Sora began to hurry after him. He grabbed a wrist with both hands and forced Riku to stop. "What was that all about? Why do you look mad?"
Riku shook his head. "Do you know how hard it was for me to say that?"
"I dunno, I guess it's not very Riku-like. But I'm glad you said it!" Sora smiled. "It's good for you to say things like that to your friends from time to time."
That one stung. He was going to have to plan to make it more obvious to Sora. An idea struck him. One last chance for today. Something he would just have to do. Surely his limbs would comply more than his voice?
He took a two steps closer to Sora and cupped Sora's face in his hands. He looked down into inquisitive eyes and in that moment he almost lost his nerve. Without wasting any more time he leaned in and planted a kiss on Sora's forehead. He turned away without taking in Sora's face which was now scrunched up in confusion.
"That wasn't very Riku-like either. You're acting very strange – oh – is this payback for earlier?"
Riku froze on the first step up to the door. "What do you mean?"
"I gave you a kiss too." He pressed a finger to Riku's cheek. "To say thank you for bringing me back."
Ah…that was all it was? He continued up the steps. "It wasn't payback, Sora. Just have a think about all this sometime for me."
Sora stood there scratching his head.
Ooo
Riku slept well that night, having at least tried to get it off his chest. But at breakfast Sora showed no sign of having figured anything out. He narrowed his eyes at Riku to try and see if he was missing anything.
There was no chance to talk before the meeting. It ran for some time, with the conclusion that Riku was to depart on a mission 3 days from then, while Sora stayed to train with the other wielders. Riku was going to the Realm of Darkness, and his fear of losing Sora was heightened. He now had a time limit in which to get through to that blockhead he loved.
"Tough ride, eh?" Lea said as Riku passed him on the way out to his new brooding spot on the island's edge.
"What do you mean?"
"Sora," he said. "Just as blind as Roxas if you ask me."
Riku frowned.
"Didn't mean to pry, but I happened to be looking out the window at the time."
"Did you get through to Roxas?"
"Eventually."
"Any tips?" Riku asked.
Lea hummed. "I don't know if you've got the balls for it, but a kiss on the lips worked a treat for me. Sora's been to enough worlds and met enough people in love to know what that means, I'm sure. Or at least I'd hope whatever's left of Rox in there would kick his butt into gear."
Riku didn't know what to say. It was surely a sore subject for Lea still. "Thanks for the advice."
"I'm rooting for you."
He had barely sat down when Sora joined him. "Hey, Riku. You're leaving me again."
"I know… It's not like I have a choice."
"Heheh, you get to go out there and do cool keyblade master things. I can't wait for you to come back and tell me all about it." Sora smiled as he thought about what kinds of things those would be. "Say, Riku, what was last night really about? I know you told me to think about it – and I really did try, but… I don't know. It felt like you were trying to say goodbye to me. I'm worried about you."
"What? Why would you think that?"
"You weren't joking. You were so serious… And you did and said things that aren't like you. I wondered if maybe you were saying these things because you wanted me to know you cared before you left. Riku, I know you care. You don't have to do anything more than you already do to tell me that. But please, tell me the truth."
"Sora…" He hadn't meant to worry the other so much.
Suddenly Sora grabbed his hand. "Riku, don't keep it to yourself! Let us help you if you're having problems! I won't let you go!"
Riku gazed into those deep blue eyes and saw the passion in Sora's eyes. He smiled and put his other hand around Sora's. "Sora, listen to me, it's not like that. I'm okay, really. Please don't worry about me like that."
"I always will, Riku, until…until the end!"
Riku's chest tightened at that. Surely he didn't deserve someone like Sora in his life. "Master Yen Sid wouldn't have given me this mission if I couldn't handle it, remember that. But, Sora, I decided to tell you that last night just in case…" Internally Riku sighed at his own inability to repeat the phrase. "In case anything does happen to me – be it this mission or another one."
Sora's shoulders relaxed and he let go of Riku's hand. "I'm glad you're okay, Riku. And I believe you'll do a good job retrieving Aqua. But sometimes I just worry about losing you again."
"I'm pleased we cleared up this misunderstanding of yours, but you've still failed to grasp what I was saying last night."
"Oh…um…" Sora hummed. "Well, I kinda got stuck with all these thoughts about you falling into darkness and…yeah, I didn't come up with any other alternatives."
"As much as I'd love to hear what you'd come up with next time, I don't think I can wait any longer. I need you to understand before I leave on my mission."
Sora frowned. "I don't know, Riku, I mean, what else is there to understand. It isn't like you said much except that you love –"
Riku put a finger to his lips. "Shut your eyes." It would be much easier if Sora wasn't watching him and his uncertainty.
"Fine." Sora did as requested. He listened as Riku exhaled, then felt a hand tilt his chin in Riku's direction. Just as he was about to ask what this was all about, he felt lips against his own. He cracked open his eyes to see Riku there – of course it was – but this could have been a set up for someone else, right?
It was a chaste kiss, and very brief, but long enough to get the message across, he hoped. He pulled back from Sora slowly, watching closely for any reaction.
Sora's lips parted and slowly made an 'oh.' It was fascinating to watch the understanding dawn on his face. "I think I get it, Riku."
Riku had no hope, and in the seconds that passed a dozen ridiculous ideas flew threw his head regarding Sora's next words. But Sora left him hanging, just staring at Riku with brows furrowed. He did not consider himself impatient, but his heart couldn't continue beating at this rate for the eternity it was taking Sora to say something.
"Sora?"
"Yeah?" he asked as if Riku had not just been waiting for him to say something.
"I need some feedback?"
"Your lips are soft."
Riku could have cried with frustration. From behind a nearby tree they heard a snigger.
"Fuck off, Lea," Riku called.
"Alright, alright. Good luck!" he strolled back inside as the pair watched him go.
"What was that all about?" Sora asked. "Was that a dare?"
"No, Sora, no." Riku sighed and muttered under his breath, "I'll kill him." He put a hand on Sora's face, making sure that there was eye contact for this next part. "Sora, I love you, okay? I love you more than you know. I love you like I've never loved anyone before."
There was no change of expression in Sora's face, and Riku worried he hadn't been clear enough.
"Sora, I love you like Mickey loves Minnie. Like Aladdin loves Jasmine. Like –"
"I get it, Riku," Sora said. "In a romantic way, right? That's what you were trying to tell me, but I was too dense to see it." They gazed into each other's eyes, searching. "Aw, c'mon, Riku, that was the part where you tell me I'm not dense!"
"I wouldn't lie to you, Sora."
"Man, that hurts."
"Sora, I need you to tell me how you feel. I need to know."
In typical Sora-fashion, he shrugged. "I don't know, Riku. I've never really been able to tell the difference between friends and more-than-friends. But you're definitely my best friend. If I only got one friend, it'd be you."
"You know, I always thought that you loved Kairi more…like a girlfriend."
Sora laughed. "No, everyone always thought that, but she's my friend just like you are. I guess everyone thought it was different because we looked out for her so much – we both did. But it's not like I ever had to look out for you back then. You were stronger than both of us."
Riku smiled, having got that information out there. He knew that Sora and Kairi had been the way they always were, but he had never been sure if Sora had more feelings for her than he let on.
"How do you know when you love someone romantically, Riku? How do you know you love me that way?"
"I…er…" Sometimes Sora asked the most difficult questions. "You just know, I guess?" But Sora was waiting patiently for a better answer. "I… I want to protect you like no one ever before. I want to see your bright smile every day I live. I want to share my happiest moments with you."
"This sounds a lot like our friendship already."
"Yeah, but it's more intense. Like… Spending every possible minute with you. Telling you repeatedly how you're the love and light of my life. Holding your hand when we're out."
"You can hold my hand if you ask."
"But would you hold someone else's hand?"
Sora shrugged. "I guess if they're my friend I would. I don't see the big deal."
Riku smiled. "That's because you're you. I wouldn't do that. To me it's something you do with someone you love. Would you kiss a friend? On the lips, I mean."
"No. That's definitely something special. It means a lot to people."
"Good, I'm glad you get it. Because that special thing about it, that's how I know I love you. I want to kiss you, Sora. I don't feel like that about other people."
"So if I want to kiss someone then I like them romantically?" Sora asked for clarification.
"I wouldn't say it was that simple, but it's a pretty strong indication."
Sora hummed, having already guessed what was coming next.
"Do you want to kiss me, Sora?"
This seemed like a simple yes or no question, but Sora wasn't fond of being so definite in this instance. "I don't know, Riku. I feel like picking a side will change our friendship."
"Well, if you say no then we will continue on as always. But I wasn't asking… I just wanted to know how you felt."
Sora frowned. "You say it won't change things, but it will. If I say no then I'll still know how you feel and…"
Riku was beginning to think telling Sora had been a bad idea. Suddenly he was looking for a way out of this.
"But I don't want to say yes and not mean it. Because when you kissed me, I didn't not like it. Actually…I did like it a bit. Because it was you. And I thought, wow, Riku is this close to me. Riku likes me this much to do this. And…" Sora bit his lip as the feelings welled up. "I was happy. I'm so happy for you. And deep down I know I'm glad it was me." He didn't realise he was crying as he shuffled closer to Riku. "I want to make you happy, Riku."
Just as Sora was about to lean in for a kiss, Riku stopped him. "No, Sora, I don't want you to do this because you think it'll make me happy. Only if you want this."
He pushed his forehead to Riku's. "I want to try it for myself. Let me kiss you, Riku."
Riku let his hand drop, and Sora leaned in once more. He brushed his lips against Riku's, letting them linger there for longer than Riku had dared.
When he pulled away he looked up into Riku's eyes, and Riku held his gaze. "Yeah, I think I do like kissing you. It makes my heart…flutter in a way I don't understand."
Riku took Sora's hand and placed it against his chest, so Sora could feel Riku's racing heart. "I feel the same."
Sora smiled and took Riku's hand to mimic the action. "This changes things, right?"
"No. I still care for you exactly the same way, but now I won't be afraid to steal a kiss from you."
"I don't know…I feel like I learnt something tonight about my feelings. About my heart."
"I hope you did," Riku said aloud accidentally, a bit more sarcastic than he would have liked.
"Hey, you two!" Lea called. "Dinner's ready!"
Ooo
Sora lay awake for longer than usual that night. He couldn't stop thinking about his conversation with Riku, and the idea that he loved him. It seemed bizarre that he hadn't realised it before. His heart always leapt whenever he was reunited with Riku, but he always thought that was just a natural response. He got the same with the others, right? In as much detail as he could remember he went back through his memories and replayed those times. When he saw Kairi again in the Castle That Never Was… When he saw Donald and Goofy again after they'd thought this was all over… But these emotions didn't compare to the elation he felt when he saw Riku. When he saw Riku, he never wanted to let him out of his sight again. Even though he knew Riku could handle himself better than all his other friends, he worried for Riku the most.
Jeez, it all seemed so obvious now he sat down and thought about it. His heart was thumping just at the thought of how much he liked Riku. So this was love, then? He wondered how obvious it was to onlookers. Surely Riku had been able to see it? He wasn't an idiot after all. But he, himself, had been blind enough not to see how much Riku cared. He felt like an idiot.
So, this made Riku his boyfriend, right? Sora blushed at the thought. It was weird when he thought about it that way… Having an 'other half' as he'd heard some people call it. Would he have to introduce Riku like that to new people? It wasn't a strange concept – he had met so many people who offhandedly introduced partners – but the fact he now had one… It was odd. He hadn't really thought much about himself in a relationship. Now he thought about it, it seemed like such an intimate thing to announce. Sora laughed at himself. Here he was, always yelling about how much he loved his friends, and now the idea of saying one was more than a friend seemed too much.
He had to tell Kairi first. This was going to change everything, right? He could no longer claimed he loved them both equally if Riku was his boyfriend, right? What if Kairi felt left out? Maybe all these dynamic changes were too much… Maybe he should tell Riku he wanted to forget the way his heart beat for him.
Having complicated everything and making his brain hurt, Sora soon found himself asleep as some kind of coping mechanism.
ooo
The next day at breakfast, Sora sat down opposite Kairi and found she was beaming at him. He gave a confused grin.
"I'm so happy for you both, Sora!" she said.
"Huh? Wha?" He shoved some toast into his mouth.
"You and Riku –"
Sora almost spat out said toast. "HUH?"
Kairi giggled at his reaction. "If you were trying to hide it, you're doing a bad job."
"No…it's just… Did Riku tell you already?" He hadn't expected Riku to say anything to anyone. Not yet… I mean, it hadn't even been a whole day.
"Oh, no." Kairi frowned and wondered if she should have waited for one of them to tell her themselves. "Lea…um, kind of let it slip. Maybe we shouldn't let him drink anymore. Last night he just asked Riku about it and Riku didn't deny anything. And then it was so sad, because Lea really misses Roxas and he kind of started monologuing about him…"
"Seems like I missed a lot last night."
"Well, I doubt anything would have been said if you were there. When you're around he really tries not to talk about Roxas. I've noticed it already."
Sora frowned, not sure what to say. He couldn't be Roxas for Lea, but neither could he talk about Roxas to him. He knew nothing about Roxas' time with Axel other than some basics. He concluded that it would be painful and awkward for them both.
"Anyway, who else knows?" Sora asked.
"Mickey was there too. I don't know if he's passed on the message, but I won't tell anyone else."
Sora sighed. "Seems like the whole Tower will know before lunch."
"I'm sure they'll all be happy too. Mickey was so pleased for Riku, you know. I mean – you as well, but he really looks out for Riku."
"But why is everyone so happy?" Sora asked. "Aren't you worried about our friendship and how it'll change?"
Kairi shook her head. "I know we'll still be friends just like we always were. Just because you have more feelings for Riku now, doesn't mean you have less for me, right?"
"Yeah, you're right."
"Besides, it's always a happy time when two people realise how much they care for each other. You can't help but feel joy for them! Especially people as well suited as you and Riku."
Sora let a goofy smile paint his face. "Yeah! I'm so glad you're here, Kairi. I spent all night worrying about this, but it was all for nothing."
She laughed at him. "Oh, Sora…"
ooo
The next 2 days passed by quickly. Nothing really changed much, contrary to Sora's expectations. Riku kissed his head when he came down for breakfast, and during their downtime if they were sitting together then there was a lot more contact than usual. Sora still cracked silly jokes that Riku sighed at, and Riku still faked fights on the stairs. Everything was as it should be. But before he went to bed, Riku would pull him close and kiss him. That was Sora's favourite part.
Then Riku was gone. Off on his mission with Mickey. Sora had held him tighter than ever before he left, whispering him luck and a safe journey. Those were the longest 10 days Sora had ever lived through. He spent the time helping to train Kairi and Lea.
ooo
"Sora! They're back!" He didn't really register who yelled it, for he was already running full-pelt down the stairs. It was a wonder he didn't trip and crack his head open before he got to Riku. He didn't even notice the other person they'd brought back. He only saw Riku – unharmed as far as he could tell. Riku opened his arms to catch Sora who had decided to leap the last few feet between them, but the force with which Sora collided with him sent them both to the floor.
"Riku! I missed you!"
"Jeez, Sora, we weren't gone that long…were we?" Riku asked, remembering how Aqua hadn't passed 10 years in the same way as the Realm of Light did.
"Ten days!" Sora yelled. "It was so long, Riku!"
"Is that all?"
"We did a good job." Mickey nodded.
Riku pulled them both up, really looking forward to sitting in one of those comfy chairs in the tower. "I watched you sleep for a year, you know. That was pretty long if you ask me."
"That's different – you knew I was ok."
"Well, yeah, but how did I know that you'd…nevermind." He was going to say 'recognise me' but he hadn't looked like himself.
"What, Riku?"
"Naminé could have wiped me from your memories."
"You could have been lost to the darkness forever. I don't think these things are equal."
Sora was eventually introduced to Aqua once they were upstairs and seated with everyone else. She didn't stay to talk to them though, having been summoned to the top of the tower to see Master Yen Sid. The three of them had looked so exhausted, but Aqua particularly. For once, Sora stayed up later than Riku, and recounted what little he remembered of meeting Aqua many years ago.
Ooo
The first night back was difficult. As if his brain had decided that now was the time to have bad dreams and thoughts about the darkness. All the time he'd been in that realm it had been far too easy for him to get by. His mind had been waiting for him to return here to torture him. He thought of Sora, his light, as he had done so while he'd been away, but it wasn't working now. Now that he knew he was safe. Now he knew Sora was just across the way. Now that his mind thought it would be fun to plague him like this.
The third time he jolted awake he had the lingering image of Ansem with Sora in his arms. And worse, he knew it wasn't himself in Ansem's form. No, the man was smirking at him, and he knew that he had wanted to drag Sora into the darkness with him.
Stop.
It was no use thinking it over-and-over again. The more he thought about things, the more they recurred in his dreams, and the more he started to blur the line between his nightmares and reality.
The clock showed just after 3 in the morning. No one else would be awake, and he wouldn't rouse Sora over this. He just had to wait it out. The image flashed in his mind again involuntarily.
Fine.
So his brain wanted to think about Sora? It was time to think about Sora more than he'd ever thought about him. He had him in his mind now. That bright smile, those shining eyes. Then he added himself in, pulling Sora close, inhaling his scent. The kiss he laid on his lips was deeper than any he had ever dared to actually bestow upon Sora. Meanwhile he hands touched places he'd never asked to before. The fantasy skipped ahead to the part where he and Sora were embracing completely naked. It was an image of pure light and reminded him of some old paintings he'd seen.
In order to help these thoughts he had touched himself – places he was imagining touching Sora, and places he imagined Sora would put his hands in return. He hadn't imagined that it would actually work this time, having been so exhausted to start, but he was now turned on enough to act on it. It wasn't a fool-proof plan, but it was one of the more successful things he could do to re-wire his brain for the night.
Stroking himself to the thought of Sora was something else now their feelings were out. He had always tried to keep it to a minimum before so things didn't get too weird for him, but sometimes he just had to let his frustrations over the boy out. With every twist and turn he put into the fantasy, he wondered if Sora would actually be up for this.
There was a knock at the door, followed by a "Riku?"
He had been so engrossed in his own mind that he hadn't even heard the person making their way across the landing.
The door opened and he cursed himself for never locking it. "Riku, are you alright?" Sora asked with as much concern one could at 3am.
In that moment Riku had sat bolt upright, and had luckily been under the covers already.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"It sounded like you were having a nightmare."
Oh, Sora…so innocent. Of course, he had just been handed a perfect excuse, but whenever Sora had caught him in a bad dream, he had always insisted he stay until Riku fell asleep again. Naturally, Sora never kept his promise, and always fell asleep first, usually slumped against the wall, and Riku would carry him to the bed and sleep on the floor instead. But just having Sora in the room kept the dark thoughts at bay. How he would love to have Sora with him now. But they hadn't discussed going any further than a kiss, so Riku had no intention of letting Sora know what he had actually been doing by extending that invitation.
"Oh, no, I was er…doing sit-ups." Riku fell back on the bed and did one for show.
"Ok…you're so weird, Riku, but that's good to know, anyway, I need to pee!" Sora pulled the door to and Riku listened as he rushed off. Then he waited to make sure he included a number alongside the sit-up he did when Sora passed by on the way back to his room.
Riku continued, more aware of how loud he was being. And for the rest of the night his dreams were filled with nothing but Sora.