Now, you may all know about the infamous X files that the government has squirreled away in a secret underground base, but what you don't know is that under that secret underground base is another more secret underground base, and under that more secret underground base there is another even more top secret underground base with a hidden secret passageway in the secret janitors closet that leads to a secret cavern where there is a pretend wall that leads to a secret secret passageway that leads to a secret large vault that contains a secret medium sized vault which contains a secret small vault which contains a secret filing cabinet which contains secret folders which contain secret envelopes which contain secret special dehydrated pills that if you drop into the secret substance found in the other secret base under the library, under the secret library, under the secret secret library in a secret city in a secret part of Calcutta the pill will become a key that opens a secret box in Germany that leads to a secret map in Quam that reveals the secret location of the person who knows where a secret mine shaft is and if you follow the secret mine shaft you will find a secret mine that contains another secret filing cabinet which contains THE W FILES! Or I suppose you could always look on the web, since everything is on the web now, my friend once found a website about peas. Anyway after risking mortal peril we have uncovered secret W file documents that you will find shocking.
Document 1: This letter contains top secret information, read with caution.
Dear Shritga,
Oh my freakin
gosh, I cannot believe they shot you in the head. That like totally
and completely sucks. Like I seriously hope you get better soon, so
we can like totally hang and stuff. I'll even bring the noose, unless
you want to bring yours, but yours is totally old and yucky from
overuse so I think I'll bring mine anyway even if you do bring yours.
But still you have to realize that some of it is totally your fault
you know, cuz like seriously, what the heck were you thinking?
Seriously, sucking the life force out of a hunter while his brother
has a gun on you? What the heck were you thinking? Posing as a doctor
was probably clever on your part but seriously next time don't let
them take your picture. Cuz what a giveaway, ya know. Those jerky
supernatural hunters don't even have to look hard anymore to figure
stuff out. Stupid media. I like was talking to a reporter the other
day and he was so totally drab, just report report you know? It felt
like he was interviewing me, which is so annoying, so I totally
ripped his heart out, which is enclosed in this letter to make you
feel better btw. Anyway, those hunter guys are total jerks. I mean
we're just doing what we can to get by ya know? I can't believe
they're so flippin not understanding at all to our plight. I mean
they are seriously making this world a drag to live in. We do our
part we make the world a better place, but is that good enough for
them? No, they have to go about and force unnecessary family reunions
on us and stuff. They think they're being heroic good guys and stuff
but let's look at it realistically. I kill infidelitous men, can
there possibly be anything more noble then that? I think not. Without
me they would be out and about multiplying and making more evil
skeezes like themselves and the world would be overrun, but do the
hunter people realize this? No, instead they wreck my house and bring
me back to my whiney good for nothing children who never help with
the dishes. And take Mary for example, she only killed evil
murderers, and they still went about to stop her. Well I suppose she
could use some humbling anyway, the girl is much too vain, I mean she
practically lives in the freakin mirror. Maybe this will bring her
down a notch, to the point that you don't have to freakin say her
name like three freakin times before she stops spacing out or
whatever and finally notices you're talking to her. Anyway, I hope
you get better soon, and good luck with that evil scheme you and
what's his name have planned or whatever.
Love,
Constance.
PS. Watch out for the Black Goddess, I've seen her sneak off with my mail like three times now. How annoying.