I still remember the look on your face
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered
For just us to know
You told me you loved me
So why did you go away?
Away
When you think of someone that you have known for a long time, a specific moment tends to come to mind. That's how I feel with Beck Oliver. When I think of him, I remember our first kiss. It was our second date, and it had gone much better than expected.
He took me out to dinner, and afterwards, we went back to his RV. There was a horror movie marathon on, and we watched these tragic movies until the wee hours of the morning. It was probably the best day of my life. It was a particularly gory movie when he turned to look at me. It wasn't a creepy stare, but more like he was finally seeing me. I turned to look at him too, his face the only vision I could see in the darkness, illuminated by the television.
"I know this may seem crazy," he whispered to me. "But I've never felt this way before."
My stomach turned. I couldn't believe that someone could make me feel so giddy, like I was a pathetic school girl or something.
"Jade West, I think I love you."
He took my face in his hands and kissed me, sending chills down my spine. I kissed him back. Hands down, my favorite memory. Also the most painful.
I do recall now the smell of the rain
Fresh on the pavement
I ran off the plane
That July 9th
The beat of your heart
It jumps through your shirt
I can still feel your arms
That summer, we went our separate ways. My family forced me to visit my relatives in Oregon and Beck went to Canada. It may have just been four weeks apart, but I couldn't handle it. He returned home earlier than I would, and I couldn't stand to think of him back in Los Angeles, roaming the streets alone, at our favorite coffee shop alone, or worse, with trails of girls following him.
Oregon was so brutally boring that I had to get away. I packed my things up that night, and rushed to the airport. I had to go home, even if just for a night. I guess I was jealous or scared or something, but I'm glad I did. I called him in the airport, that early morning. He wasn't awake, but he wasn't mad I woke him. I returned home on July 9th, that next day. It was a rainy, dreary day. I ran off the plane, right into Beck's arms. He told me I looked beautiful, that he loved me. I didn't doubt a word he said.
But now I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don't know how to be something you miss
I never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
I still can't believe he didn't open the door. Did he never love me at all? Does he not miss me? I still wear his clothes at home sometimes, just around the house when no one is home. I'll sit on the floor in front of the fireplace and just think. I always thought we'd get married, that we'd end up together. Sure, we weren't perfect, but we weren't something that he should be ashamed of, unhappy with. We were perfectly imperfect.
I do remember the swing of your step
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I roll my eyes and then
You pull me in
I'm not much for dancing
But for you I did
He would always drag me to ridiculous parties at random kids' houses. He loved parties, anything that involved dancing. People loved him, in ways they'd never loved me. He'd talk and chat around, finally ending up dancing. He waited until he was one of the last few to start dancing, but once he started, he wouldn't stop. Everyone always turned to watch him. He danced beautifully. Everything about him was, is, beautiful. He used to call for me to dance with him, but I was never a dancer. I'd rather just watch him. But he was persistent, and eventually, I'd end up dancing. Everyone would watch, cheer for us. I would hide my amazement then, but he never failed to completely amaze me.
Because I love your handshake, meeting my father
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you kissed me when I was in the middle of saying something
There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions
He had to meet my family. They knew of him, but they never saw him, never met him face to face. They are hard to impress; for the most part, even I disappoint them. But my father had loved him from their first encounter. He told me that his handshake indicated a strong, hardworking guy. He told me not to let him get away. Too late, dad.
Later on that evening, we took a walk to the ice cream shop, only a few blocks from my house. We didn't hold hands; he kept his hands in his pockets, but that was okay with me. We walked alongside each other, sometimes brushing shoulders, and I'd feel that electric shock that I always felt when he touched me.
Over ice cream, I complained to him about everything and everyone that I hated. And he listened intently for the most part. But right as I was telling him how much I hated those cheesy romantic gestures that people do in movies, he kissed me. A long, meaningful kiss.
"Guess they don't just happen in movies, huh?" he said, and I laughed. He was one of the few people who could actually make me laugh.
And I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don't know how to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
But it's over between Beck and me. He may have been a huge part of my life over the last two years, but I need to move on. One day, he'll barely mean anything to me. I mean, I'll get over him just the same way everyone gets over their exes. [Well, anyone who isn't completely and totally pathetic.] In the future, maybe I'll find one of his old sweatshirts and slide it on, smell it, remember all the good times and sad moments that we experienced together.
So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are
I didn't unfriend him from The Slap. I probably never will. I like to read his statuses, look at his pictures. Maybe it isn't super healthy in getting over him, but it's nice to see. It may hurt seeing him with Trina or Tori or whatever bimbo he chooses to date next, it may hurt to know that he's slowly forgetting me while I just keep holding on. But I'm Jade West. I know what it feels like to hurt and be hurt.
I'll keep in touch with Cat, Robbie, Andre, and maybe even Tori. They'll tell me how he's doing, where he's been, what he's done. Oh, how I hope he's doing well. I just want him to be happy, and if he's unhappy with me, so be it. I'll be unhappy for his sake.
And I hope the sun shines
And it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you
You wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in weather and time
But I never planned on you changing your mind
I hope that he ends up being a famous actor, like he planned on. I hope that he takes every chance, that he gets many. And I hope that one day, while he's looking up into the sky and admiring his life, he remembers what amazing times we had together, and how maybe he wished he had opened that door, that he didn't let me slip away.
Times change. Sure. But I never expected him to leave me, to change his mind so suddenly, to finally decide that he didn't want me anymore.
So I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don't know how to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
There are so many things that I wish I could say to him that I didn't. I would tell him that I need him, that I love him, that I just want him to be happy. I would tell him that everything we had meant a lot to me. I'd... no. I wouldn't. I wouldn't say any of that to him. As much as it hurts to keep these things buried, I couldn't say them. I may be Jade West, queen of mean, the cruelest girl in LA, but when I love someone, the way I loved, love, Beck, I would never hurt them. I would rather just bury all these emotions and let them hurt me.
Just like our last kiss
Forever the name on my lips
Forever the name on my lips
Just like our last...