Title: Body Swap
Author(s): Vexlica (Bradenismymonkey on )
Pairing(s)/Character(s): Nathan/Charles (pre-slash), Dethklok
Summary: Charles woke up later than usual, making his way bleary eyed into his bathroom. About halfway through his shower he realized he was washing hair that was far too long with hands that were far too big.
Rating: PG-13
Warning(s): My attempt at humor and accents. Oh, and a few curses. :3
Word Count: ~3.6k
Disclaimer: I do not own Metalocalypse nor do I make any profit from anything here.
Author Notes: See warnings. Srsly. Do not take this seriously, cause I think it might be bordering crack. XD
xxx
Charles woke up later than usual, making his way bleary eyed into his bathroom. About halfway through his shower he realized he was washing hair that was far too long with hands that were far too big.
Panicking, Charles jumped out of the shower and ran over towards the fog covered mirror. With one hand he wiped it across the surface and stared at the reflection that was not his own. Long, wet black hair stuck to his skin as deep emerald eyes, nearly glowing in the steam, stared back at him. Looking down he saw a body too large to be his own.
Taking a deep breath he gripped the edge of the sink a little tighter. In a voice not his own he growled, "Somebody is going to pay for this."
xxx
Dressed in one of Nathans barely used suits from the back of his closet, Charles stormed out of the room and down the hall. He headed towards his own private room, hoping that whatever happened was just limited to himself and the front man.
"Natans? Ams that you?"
Charles stopped in his tracks. He took a deep breath and turned around to see a wide eyed Pickles in only his white underwear. Deep down Charles prayed it was just Pickles doing a bad Toki impression.
"Pickles?"
"Nope. I ams Toki."
The day went from bad to worse as he changed directions and motioned for Toki to follow him to his office instead. Charles could already tell it was going to be a long day and he hadn't even had his coffee yet.
xxx
The Gears had been dispatched by Charles to gather the remaining four and, if necessary, drag them to his office. Charles sat in his chair behind his desk, feeling too big for everything. In front of the desk sat Toki, still only in the underwear, playing with handfuls of red dreads.
"Hey doods! Oh look, it's me."
Charles looked over toward the doorway just as a thankfully pants clad Skwisgaar walked in. He walked over and started examining his real body before sitting down in the other chair in front of the desk.
"I'm bettin it's Charlie in there, right? Only cause I doubt Na'ten would wear that."
Charles self consciously smoothed out the tie he had put on before clearing his throat. "Yes, well. Just sit tight until the others show up."
"Oh wowee. Ams that whats Skwisgaar sound likes if he talks normalies?"
"Pretty cool, right?"
Before anyone could reply Toki, or rather whoever was inhabiting Toki, made his way in in just pajama pants and his boots. Charles was just about to ask who it was when he started talking. Well, when he started complaining.
"What the fuck is going on? This is so fucking gay, and I am NOT gay! Somebody needs to figure out how to reverse this because being in another dudes body is really gay, but I'm not gay."
"Murderface I assume?" Charles asked, eying one of his brandy bottles. Murderface just nodded and went to lean against the wall, looking over towards Pickles's body.
"Pickles?"
"Toki!"
"I'm Pickles."
"Robot?"
"Yes."
The room fell into silence for a minute before Toki shifted in his seat and turned towards his real self. "Moidaface, what happens to your lisps?"
"Huh, good question." He turned toward Charles and glared at him. It took him a moment to realize that he expected him to know the answer.
Sighing, Charles rubbed his temple before replying. "Well, lisps are oftentimes the results of gaped teeth and an overbite, both of which you have, so it is safe to say that without those issues you wouldn't have a lisp. Just like with Toki and Pickles, their speech pattern has stayed the same and only the voices changed."
Murderface seemed to deem the explanation acceptable and proceeded to stare down at his new borrowed body. Charles swallowed the urge to sigh as loudly as possible, trying instead to stay strong even as he watched Pickles looking down his pants and nod in what he assumed was approval.
"What the fuck did we drink last night?"
Charles looked over to find...himself walking into the room in his personal robe and slippers. "Nathan?" he asked quietly, catching his own gaze with himself. He watched as his face went from confusion to amusement, a small smile forming that he rarely ever used.
"Brutal."
Whatever Nathan was going to add was drowned out by a loud scream and thundering steps. Charles stood from his seat, concerned something was horribly wrong when Nathan was shoved away from the doorway by a very angry looking Murderface in only his sleeping confederate boxers.
"What da fucksh amsh goingksh on here! I wakesh upsh and findingsh myshelf insh Murfaschesh fuckingsh body! Yoush better besh fixingksh dish butlersh!"
The silence that followed was heavy. Each of them looked like they were deep in concentration, each trying to come up with a way to fix the problem at hand. In reality they were just trying to figure out what the fuck he just said.
"Yes, well," Charles cleared his throat as he changed the topic, "now that everyone is here one of you can explain to me what is going on. Right. Now."
For a few moments nobody made any move to talk. Instead they just stood, or sat, scratching themselves or checking out their new bodies. Charles started tapping his fingers on the desk, a headache starting to pound away inside his head. He gave them a few more minutes of silence in an attempt to get them to guilt talk, which works every once in a while.
"Well?"
Nathan let out a loud sigh that sounded odd coming from Offdensens body as he pointed an accusing finger at Pickles's body. "He thought it was a good idea!"
"Hey! It wasn'ts me! It was Pickle!" Toki then pointed his own accusing finger at the real Pickles in Skwisgaars body.
"Nah, I was just jokin'. Yer tha one who got tha book!" Pickles slapped Toki's hand away from his face.
"Yeah, but Skwisgaar tolds me to gets da book!" All of them turned towards Skwisgaar who took a menacing step forward toward Toki with his fists clenched by his sides.
Before a fight could break out a Gear walked into the office holding a large black book with dark red runes covering the front and back covers.
"My Lord, I have brought you a book I have discovered from the living area from your endeavors last night." The Gear went to give the book over to Charles but hesitated when he caught sight of Nathan in Charles's body. He wasn't sure who to give the book to, standing in the middle of the room confused which person was the real man in charge. The man behind the desk, or the one that looked like the manager. Figuring he really wasn't getting payed enough for this level of mind fuckery he placed the large book onto the desk and made to leave. Pausing by the doorway he turned and added, "I took the liberty of placing a bookmark on the page that the book was opened to, in case it was of importance."
"Thank you #53875. I hope you and the other Gears understand the importance of keeping this situation under wraps? If word got out about this it would be most unfortunate. You will do well to pass that message along to the others who know of this situation."
"Of course, sir."
Charles hoped that his glare had the same effect as the one he usually gives with his own face. Now alone with only the band, Charles reached across his desk and brought the book closer to himself for inspection. He looked down at the book, fingers running along the red symbols. Opening the cover he looked over the first couple of pages taking a steadying breath as he realized what he was looking at. Turning to the page bookmarked by the Gear, Charles looked over the page, first the page on the right then over towards the translation on the left.
Closing the book, careful to leave in the bookmark, Charles placed the book on the desk and folded his hands on top of it. "Please tell me why the five of you..." Charles took a moment to look at each of them, secretly reveling in the visible shivers each of them gave. "Thought it would be a good idea to read spells from the Necronomicon?"
As expected, there was only more silence. Opening the book to the marked page again, Charles skimmed over the spell and then to the translation. It was a fairly simple spell, it's use was to supposedly switch bodies with another to experience what they do. All one had to do was say out loud the names of those being effected, read the few lines for the spell and then perform the...human sacrifice.
"Did you five really sacrifice a human?"
"Huh... Did we kill anybody? I don't really remember. We drank a lot."
"Nah, doods. We didn't kill anybody. Remember? We read tha spell then right at tha end, one of them Gears just slipped on all tha beer bottles and then rolled around in broken glass till he died." Pickles smirked, though it looked awkward on the Swedes face.
There was nodding and agreeing all around as each of them somewhat remembered last night through the haze of alcohol.
"Alright, until this is fixed and we are in our own bodies, none of you are to leave this house or talk to the public. Do you all understand? Any questions? No? Then you are dismissed." Charles watched each of them make there way out of his office, knowing deep down that at least one of them (if not all) were going to do something to make this worse.
Reaching for the phone, Charles took a moment to marvel at the size of his hands compared to his own. Before his mind could wander into the bad thought zone, he grabbed the phone and dialed. On the second ring the phone was answered. "Send #53875 to my office."
In no time at all, the Gear entered the office room and walked over towards the desk. "Yes, my lord?"
"I am entrusting you to find a reverse for this situation. Do whatever it takes but be discreet."
The Gear bowed his head, took the Necronomicon from the table and left just as quickly as he entered.
Charles couldn't concentrate on anything. His mind wouldn't stop wondering to different pointless thoughts and it was giving him a migraine. He needed to distract himself while his best workers got to the bottom of the reverse spell. Not wanting to fall behind on his paperwork, of which was always many, Charles turned to one of his desk drawers that he kept all the important pieces in.
The only problem was he had all the important drawers idiot proof. Meaning not only did the drawers have a security code password but also required a finger print verification. Charles closed his eyes and counted backwards from twenty. When he opened his eyes again he stood up and made his way out of the office and decided he would take an early lunch.
For some reason he was craving chips.
xxx
The kitchen was thankfully void of anybody, so Charles quickly made his way over to one of the large overhead cabinets that contained different junk foods. A single thought entered his mind, thinking that this would be the perfect opportunity to get some good old healthy food into Nathans body. Unfortunately, the moment he opened the cabinet and spied all the bags of chips, the thought left his mind immediately. He had never wanted chips so badly in his life.
Halfway through the third bag of chips, Charles started to think that body changing was starting to effect his appetite.
"Huh. Weird."
Charles turned quickly in his seat to find that Nathan had walked into the kitchen. He had apparently been going through his personal closet, seeing as he was now wearing a pair of his workout sweats and an old faded t-shirt. He would have blushed at the thought of Nathan looking through his stuff, but he was pretty sure Nathans body couldn't even do that.
"Ah, what's weird Nathan?"
Nathan shrugged one shoulder and started foraging around the refrigerator. "It's just. There I am, but it's not me. It's you. And I'm you. It's weird."
"Well, if you boys didn't drink and perform ancient magic, maybe it wouldn't be weird."
"Yeah, like we would really just sit around like fucking jack-off dildos doing nothing all night." Nathan slammed the door to the fridge closed and walked over to the table to join Charles.
"Please don't say jack-off dildos in my voice again. It just doesn't sound right." Charles finished off the bag of chips and watched as Nathan started eating a cherry pie right from the dish. Nathan grunted in reply, which could either mean he would not say it again or that he didn't even know what Charles just said so he was just grunting to get him off his back. Either way, Nathan started stuffing his face with pie and Charles couldn't help but stare and wonder if that was what he looked like when he ate pie.
But staring at himself, who was not really him, was starting to make him uncomfortable. The level of awkwardness kept rising as the minutes passed in silence until both of them had finished eating. Standing, the two of them left the kitchen and headed towards the common living room. They walked in more silence side by side, Charles looking down at Nathan every now and then even if he would occasionally look up, forgetting he wasn't his usual height.
Clearing his throat, Nathan ran a hand through his current short hair. "You know, if you just palled around more we wouldn't get into these things. You would be there. Drinking with us."
"I'm sorry Nathan. I wish I could...pal around with you all but I have a lot of work to do."
"Yeah, well...whatever. It's my fault your in me right now."
"Why would that be, Nathan?"
"Cause I kept saying your name last night. Sayin' how I wished you were getting sloppy with me. Us."
Charles opened his mouth to reply, but he was at the moment speechless. He was sure that if he did say something it would only cause further embarrassment but then Pickles, or Toki rather, came running down the hall right towards them thankfully wearing Pickles usual outfit.
"Oh! Nat'ans! Charlies! Comes quicklies! There ams somtings wrong with the real Pickle!"
They were then forcefully dragged to the living room where they found Pickles, still only in his pants, sitting straight back on the staring unblinking into space. Charles quickly made his way over to him and took hold of one of his shoulders. "Pickles? Are you alright?"
"When I woke this morning, I was alone in Skwisgaars room. After tha meetin, I figured I would go back and get a shirt, but tha room wasn't empty this time. They were everywhere. So many of them. Saggy wrinkles everywhere I looked. I just. Who am I? I don't even know anymore." Pickles' face, well Skwisgaars, was pale. He continued to stare straight ahead in absolut horror, shkaing a little in his seat.
Charles sighed as he simply patted his shoulder and glared at the two behind him who were laughing.
"My lords."
Gear #53875 entered the living room, bowing slightly. "We have found a reverse for the spell within the book, it shall be ready to be performed by tonight. I have already sent out for the others to join you in this room, so that when it is time we can perform everything with haste."
"Good work, but do better."
The Gear swiftly left just as Skwisgaar entered the room with a large blanket hiding most of his body from view. Charles figured it would be easier if he just let him be to wallow in peace. Murderface soon wandered into the room wearing even less than before.
"Murderface, why are you walking around in a swim suit? The hot tub is in the other room."
"Oh, you know. No reason."
Nathan sat down next to Pickles and leaned in close to whisper, "I think the reason is cause he's gay." Pickles immediately burst into laughter, which was better than him being in a state of shock.
"Now that we are all here, why don't we just sit down and re-"
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever you want robot. I have a question though. Is it gay if we masturbate?"
"Ew! Moidaface don't touch my ding dongs!"
"What? NO! I didn't! I was just asking!"
"Na'tans! He has the bad touch!"
"I didn't touch anything!"
"Well, you are walking around in only swim shorts."
"Shut up Nathan!"
"Hey! That was Charles. But yeah, kinda gay."
"Whatsh you expectingsh? It amsh Murderface. Gay."
"Shut your ugly face!"
"It amsh yoursh dildoesh!"
Charles started counting back from ten, and when he reached zero and they were still yelling he repeated it a couple more times. When the yelling finally stopped they all stared at each other for a few more minutes until they got over it, or forgot why they were yelling, and took over all of the couches.
"But, uh, seriously. That's a good point. Is it gay if we, you know, while in each others body?"
"Dood, I think it might be. Your touchin' another guys dick."
The fact that Charles didn't so much as twitch was a testament to how numb he was to their random conversations. So for the next hour Charles had to sit on the couch listening to the five of them compose a list of pros and cons of masturbating while in each others body. He also had the pleasure of watching Murderface stuff pounds of candy in his mouth (Toki's special candy that tastes like sugar candies but were actually sugar-less) and Pickles and Toki sharing a joint together (Pickles was complaining that the joint was working too fast while Toki kept requesting a stronger one). Skwisgaar had created a blanket fort for himself by just throwing a blanket over himself and sat in the corner.
Nathan, after the conversation started to die down just stared at Charles from across the room. Charles would have found it more creepy if he wasn't used to seeing that stare every day in the mirror. None the less, he was immensely happy when #53875 entered the room with a large bucket in one hand and the Necronomicon in the other. The Gear quickly set the book down and brought the bucket over to the center of the room where the floor was clear. He then reached into the bucket and when he removed his hand it was covered in blood that he used to start making symbols on the floor.
A hush settled over the group as they watched the Gear work, even Skwisgaar emerged from his blanket to watch. Once done, the Gear stood and stepped away to inspect his work. Satisfied, he turned towards the group. "My lords. All I require of you is to know all the names you had mentioned last night."
"It was just us. The six of us."
Trusting the words of his masters, #53875 opened the book and took a step into the middle of the circle. The six of them watched and listened as the Gear began chanting out a spell, the blood circle below his feet starting to glow an ominous red. He was speaking in another language until he eventually started naming each of them individually. The moment all the names were called the ominous red glow surrounded each of them. The glow was hot, but it didn't burn the skin. It surrounded their entire bodies until it blocked out all sound and soon it covered their eyes and blinded them.
Charles opened his eyes after the feeling of heat left his body. It took a few seconds for his eyes to adjust but when he went to rub his eyes he felt his glasses. Looking down he found he was back in his own body. Judging by the lack of complaining he assumed everyone was back in their bodies. Just to make sure, Charles asked, "Everyone back to normal?"
"Yeah, it's me. See ya."
"Fuck. Thish blowsh."
"Ugh, I needs a drinks and a fucks."
"Oh wowee, I needs a snack."
The four of them left, leaving Charles and Nathan behind in the living room. #53875 had already collected the bucket and book and quietly left the room.
Nathan shuffled on his feet, loosening the tie Charles had made him wear. "I, uh. I have to go change."
Charles nodded and watched as Nathan turned to leave, stopping every few steps to turn and look back.
"Tomorrow."
Nathan turned around again, stopping to stare at Charles.
"We can get sloppy together tomorrow."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
xxx
Charles looked up from his paperwork a few days after the...incident, when he heard a knock at the door.
"Come in."
Toki walked into the room looking like he had done something he wasn't supposed to do.
"What is it Toki?"
"Wells, I thinks we mights have a problems."
Charles took a deep breath as the door was suddenly flung open wider and Dick Knubbler burst into the office room.
"Hey everybody! I do c-c-c-COCAINE!"
End