String tie party

by Jellik

Harley and Ivy plan a little caper.

     This is my first Batman fanfic. C&C is always appreciated.

     "HaaarLEYYYYYYY!"

     No answer.

     "Where is that girl? I'd like to know just what she's done with my tie!!!" muttered the Joker, pacing his underground lair angrily. "First she burns dinner, then she eats all the dessert – pumpkin pie, no less! -, and now I can't find my tie-"

     He stopped his tirade, sneezed, fished out a handkerchief and blew his nose. He'd caught a bad cold recently, having been out in the rain a few nights ago fighting that bat-eared goody two-shoes. For once the Joker had managed to escape Batman's clutches and had gone back to his secret lair, but at the expense of hiding in a cold alley for half the night while rain soaked him to the skin. He sneezed again and grumbled.

     At that moment Harley Quinn bounced into the room, all dressed to kill – literally and figuratively – stopped in front of the Joker, and smiled. "Don't I look gorgeous, Puddin'?"
     The clown prince of crime gaped at her.

     "Where…did…you…ACHOO!…get…THAT???"
     The Joker was pointing to his tie, which dangled from around Harley Quinn's neck. She looked down at it and started to giggle. "Oh, Mistah J! I'm going out to the party with Ivy tonight and I wanted to look really special, so I just snitched it from ya. It's okay, isn't it? I mean, I know you're sick and all, and I'd prefer to stay home and play nurse with you, but this is THE PARTY of the season and I really want to go and I'll be with Ivy and afterwards we're going to rob the museum and…"

     The Joker's eyes narrowed as he wiped his nose. "Not taking it from me without permission, it isn't! You know better than to do something like that."

     Harley's expression changed and she looked at the floor, lips trembling. "I'm sorry, Mistah J, I just wanted to-"

     "We'll talk about it later. Now get out of my sight," he spat, waving a hand as he stormed out of the room. Harley heard him sneeze again, shrugged, and looked happily down at the string tie. "At least he didn't take it back!"

     Poison Ivy, Harley's gal pal, arrived around nine to pick up her friend. "This is gonna be great, Red! Dinner, and then dancing – through the museum." Harley started to laugh. "With just us gals, of course!"

     "You can say that again." Ivy put her window down more as she pulled off, tires screeching, into the dark Gotham night. "I've had it with men and their telling us what to do all the time."

     "Yeah!" agreed Harley, though she was secretly thinking that anything the Joker said was as good as gold. He was her Puddin', after all. Ivy realized what her passenger was thinking, narrowed her eyes and turned to the smaller woman. "You're sick, you know, to love that crazy creep as much as you do."

     "Aw, well." Harvey blushed and sunk lower in her seat, glad it was dark so Ivy couldn't see her face. "I can't help it. I mean, he's so special."

     Poison Ivy snorted and turned a sharp left. "The day he kills you, don't expect me to come to your funeral," she muttered.

     "Hey," said Harley, as she suddenly registered Ivy's earlier comment. "Who are you calling sick? At least I don't love plants!"
     "Careful, baby clown. You don't want to have to take a taxi to the party, do you?" hissed Ivy. Harley fumed but said nothing else; she folded her arms and ignored her friend for the rest of the journey.

     Loud music grated their ears as they entered the building. The Mad Hatter had turned 30 (he said) and was holding a party in his honor. He'd wanted to serve tea but all the villains shouted for booze, and started taking out guns and firing them in the air until the Hatter got nervous and sent some of his goons to pick up some beer. In a corner Mr. Freeze and Catman were dumping their tea into a potted plant; Ivy narrowed her eyes and started storming towards the two. But Harley's strong grip on her arm held her back. "Leave 'em alone, Red! If you get into a fight with 'em we'll be stuck here all night."

     "But the tea is bad for the plant! The tannin makes the soil acidic and…"

     "I know, I know," Harley tut-tutted soothingly as she led her irate friend away from the tea-dumping duo. "Tell you what. We can come back in a month's time and if the plant's dead, then ya can kill 'em."

     Ivy sighed and threw herself down on a stuffed sofa, looked around the room at the mass of chatting villains who were stuffing food into their faces with a total lack of manners. "Why are we here, anyway?"

     "Because we wanted to get some free food before going to rob the museum of their newest exhibit, remember?" said Harley huffily. Ivy nodded. "Oh yeah, I remember now."

     Unknown to the revelers, Batman was outside, surveying the scene through his high-powered binoculars. He'd heard that the party was going to take place and had a feeling that the bad guys might decide to use the occasion to go create a ruckus in Gotham afterwards.

     "At least, the ones who aren't drunk will do so," he muttered, peering through a window. He saw The Riddler speaking to a woman who he'd obviously cornered and was tossing riddle after riddle at her, while she looked frantically from side to side as she searched for a way to escape. Batman moved his head to the right; on the other side of the room he saw The Penguin take a glass of wine, look scornfully down at it, toss out the liquid and fill the glass with ice cubes before tilting them into his mouth. "Oh, yeah," Batman said.

     He moved his head to the left, then stopped. There on a couch he could see Harley Quinn, who was all spiffed up, whispering to Poison Ivy. The looks on their faces told the detective that those two were up to no good, or would be when they left the party. "I'll have to keep an eye on them," he grinned, and continued to survey the scene.

     Harley and Ivy left the party around midnight, stuffed and slightly tipsy. "You know, Ivy, it'sh not safe to drive drunk," slurred Harley as the car swerved all over the street.

     "Tell that to Hatter; he sherved alcohol." Ivy burped and narrowly avoided hitting another car at an intersection when she went through a red light. "'Shides, we need it to break into the musheum and shteal the – what ish it we have to shteal?"

     "I – hic – can't remember," said Harley. She held her hand up in front of her face. "One, two, four, shix…"

     High above and behind them, Batman was swinging his way towards the car as it swerved on its crooked way to the museum. "I'd better stop those two before they cause an accident," he said, and swung lower. With a nimble leap he landed on top of the vehicle with a thud; both women jumped and looked up, then at each other.

     "Wh-what was that?" asked Harley, shocked into soberness at the noise. Ivy shook her head and stepped on the gas. "Only one thing I can think of, and the faster we lose it, the better."

     The car shot forward; Batman fell forward with a grunt and held on to the sides of the car with his fingertips. Ivy made the vehicle swerve left and right, almost colliding with several vehicles as she did so. "Where are the cops when I need them?" wondered Batman, wincing as the car took a sharp right turn. He reached down to his utility belt to get his walkie talkie to call Commissioner Gordon; the car bounced into and out of a pothole and he lost his grip on the radio, swearing as it flew across the street and was crushed under the wheels of an eighteen-wheeler as it passed on its nightly delivery round to one of Gotham's grocery chains.

     The museum loomed in front of them; Ivy pulled up to the curb, slammed on the brakes and threw her door open. Harley followed suit; Batman leapt off the hood of the car and started to chase the two women. Harley whipped out her boxing-glove gun and fired it at Batman, catching him in the face; he grunted and raised a hand to his bruised cheek. Ivy ran up the steps with Harley following her; they reached the door and tried to open it, but they couldn't, since the museum was closed for the night.

     "Oh, for-" Ivy took out a vial and tossed it to the ground. Long tendrils started to grow and snake all over the museum's front; Ivy grabbed a vine and started climbing. Harley followed suit, tossing a glance over her shoulder and panicking when she saw Batman running towards them, a determined look on his face.

     "He's gonna catch up with us!" whimpered Harley.

     "Oh no he won't." Ivy swung one leg over the top of the building and helped Harley up, then asked, "You have a knife on you?"

     "Oh, uh, yeah! Here!" Harley whipped out a sharp knife and gave it to Ivy, who slashed at the vine, cutting the tendrils and sending Batman crashing to the ground.

     "So much for being Mr. Smart." Ivy raced along the rooftop until she came to a glass panel which consisted of the museum's skylight. She broke the glass, took out another vial and tossed it down into the building; soon more vines reached out of the hole and the two women lowered themselves inside. "We'd better find a place to hide," said Ivy.

     Harley nodded as she landed on the floor with a thump. They knew Batman would be right behind them, so she didn't object when Ivy raced across the floor, keeping to the shadows. They saw a security guard half-asleep at his desk and dropped to their hands and knees, crawling past the desk until they were in the clear. Then they got to their feet and ran to the area where the new exhibits were being held.

     "There it is. The Sumatran diamond, only the biggest in the world," whispered Ivy. Harley squinted at the glass case that covered the diamond. "How're we gonna get it out of there without trippin' the alarm, Red?"
     "Like this." Ivy produced another vial and tossed it on the floor. There was a slight tinkle of broken glass, then tendrils shot up and surrounded the pedestal on which the diamond lay. The tendrils snaked their way into the glass covering, went under and over the diamond, creating weight and getting between the laser and the precious stone. Ivy lifted the glass cover off and slipped the diamond out of its leafy home. "That's what I call a –"

     "Robbery in progress."

     The two women looked up in horror at the familiar voice. A canister landed next to them and started spewing some sort of gas; Ivy narrowed her eyes, shouted a command and the leafy tendrils snaked out of the podium and headed for Batman. He took a Batarang out of his utility belt and threw it at the advancing plant, slicing some of its tendrils off.

     "Run!" shouted Harley, tugging at her friend's arm. She and Ivy started running away from the scene; they could hear Batman muttering to himself as he took care of the rest of the plant, and the sound of the museum's security guards shouting as they headed towards the scene.

     "Ooh, Mistah J woulda loved to be here tonight!" swooned Harley as they reached the primitive humans section. Ivy rolled her eyes as she tossed a vial into a display case. "I'm sure he would have."

     She ran out of the room and Harley followed her. Batman came running in soon after and stopped short at the sight of two prehistoric figures being held aloft by more plant life. At a shouted command from Ivy, the plant made the figures lunge forward; Batman dodged easily, rolled under the plant's sweeping tendrils and reached the doorway whence Ivy and Harley had made their escape.

     "Now, where would they have gone?" he thought, as he entered the mammalian section and saw two doorways, one to his right and one to his left. He stood still and listened; nothing. He looked up; there in the bones of a dinosaur were Harley and Ivy.

"Oh pooh, he found us," sulked Harley.

     "I'm so scared," quivered Ivy. Batman put his hands on his hips. "You'd better get down here before-"

     "Anything you say," said Harley, jumping down straight at Batman. Her feet landed on his chest; with a thud he landed on the floor. Ivy followed suit, knocking the air out of the Dark Knight a second time. "Let's go, Harl," she said, following her smaller accomplice.

     Batman groaned and rolled onto his stomach. The plant was heading for him, still holding the figures with their spears. He got to his feet and dodged a tendril, reached out and snatched the spears loose from the figures. "Just borrowing them," he said, as he ran after Harley and Ivy.

     As he made it to the main corridor he could see them in front of him. By this time the cops had arrived and were blocking the main entrance; Harley stopped and Ivy almost crashed into her. "We're dead, Red."

     "Looks like it."

     "It's been fun." Harley stuck her hand out and Ivy shook it. Batman stood some thirty feet behind them, watching them carefully. "I hope you two are going to go quietly, but knowing you, you'll put up a –"

     His eyebrows raised as the two women slumped onto the floor and started to giggle drunkenly. "Or, maybe not."

     Harley sulked as she sat in her cell at Arkham. Stupid yucky Arkham with its dull walls and crazy occupants. Boring doctors and nurses trolled its hallways. "If I evah get to be a doctor here, I'd make it a fun place for the patients! Wouldn't it be fun to lock up all the security guards into one small cell and toss in a can of laughing gas?" she thought spitefully.

     This was all Batman's fault. It always was! He just had to show up and spoil her and Ivy's little would-be caper. It wasn't as if they were going to bomb an apartment complex or anything; they just wanted to steal some diamonds. Stupid Batman, ruining it for them. "When I get out of here I'll sic Puddin' on him," she thought as she lay in her cell and stared up at the ceiling.

     Unbeknownst to her, however, at that moment the Joker was reading of her exploits in the morning edition of the Gotham Gazette. "So, my dear Harley. Not only did you fail in your escapade, but you still have possession of my tie, which I will now…ACHOO!… never see again!!!" he shouted, slamming the paper down on the table and making his cup of coffee jump in the air. "Instead of breaking you out right away, I think I'll let you stay there a while. Maybe next time you'll ASK first, before taking my things," said the Joker in his illogical logic, before going off into one of his laughing fits. The laughter continued, interrupted now and then by a sneeze.