Okay. I started this a year ago and am finally picking it back up, just finishing everything I never finished and writing new things. So, here this is. Probably a bit of a jumbled mess, I haven't gone over it much. Just cleaning it up a bit and concluding it.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Italic quotations are taken directly from the show.
All mistakes are my own and reviews containing constructive criticism are always welcome. Thank you.
Sometimes Quinn felt numb. She wasn't quite sure if this was due to being told countless times that she was selfish, cold, and unfeeling or if that was what she actually was. But if those words hurt her, caused her pain during times she wasn't feeling numb and disconnected, she couldn't possibly be those things, could she? She didn't know anymore.
"You're a disgrace."
"You're still the same old Quinn, all that matters is you."
"You have what I call rich white girl problems."
"The world never stopped loving you."
"You know, there's only one person in this world that you care about and that's yourself. You're not a little girl anymore, Quinn. How long do you plan on playing the victim card? Since day one you've done nothing but sabotage the same glee club that has been there for you over and over again. When you got pregnant, when your parents kicked you out. Mercedes even let you live at her house and I don't recall ever hearing so much as a 'thank you'. So, now you're a train wreck. Well, congratulations."
"Don't you feel anything anymore?"
"You're a freaking mess."
"Turns out, you're kind of nuts. You're more high maintenance than Berry and pretty much the most selfish person I've ever met in my life."
It was all in the past and she had said the words herself: "You can't change your past but you can let go and start your future". She had, she did exactly that. Quinn let go of that life and that town that she once thought she would be tied to forever, selling herself short and believing that she was worth a whole lot less than she was.
She said goodbye to McKinley high school, her regrets and mistakes, and got the hell out of Lima. But those words she had been told? They still came back to haunt her sometimes. In her dreams, at night, when she was enveloped by only the dark. Exposed and vulnerable, the words would creep into her world and surround her and break down every bit of confidence she had managed to build up over time.
Everyone has their ghosts. A 'skeleton in the closet', so to speak. Quinn's skeleton was her whole time spent in high school. she supposed. There were the good things and so, so many bad things. Things she wished she could take back and then things she wouldn't change for the world.
Hurtful words that had been spoken to her, they stirred up thoughts that would keep her awake at night and tonight was most definitely one of those nights.
Quinn laid in the dark, feeling exhausted and a little too warm even though parts of her skin were exposed to the cool night air that drifted in through her open bedroom window. She had kicked the blanket and sheets off of her sometime ago and still felt no relief. Her eyes were glued to the ceiling and her arms were folded across her stomach. She looked to the clock and saw it was only a little after two in the morning, this night was dragging on forever and she wanted to get some rest but was thankful that it was the weekend and didn't have to wake up extremely early. Though, to be honest, she saw no rest ahead for this night. Quinn exhaled loudly and stood up from the bed, careful not to wake the still and sleeping figure next to her.
She made her way into the bathroom, splashed water on her face and stared at her reflection in the mirror. Why was everything floating through her mind right now such heavy subjects? Why were these things that still haunted her? She wanted nothing more to forget and she thought she did. Images of car crashes, hospital rooms, wedding dresses, break-ups, pink hair, Beth, Puck, Finn, words like "love", "hate", "selfish", "bitch" – anything that had been the source of pain would not leave her alone at this late hour and it was taking every ounce of self control not to punch the mirror in front of her. While looking at herself, she wasn't seeing who she is now. Quinn was seeing who she used to be and it disgusted her, she liked who she had become and she knew it wasn't herself that had pushed her into being this better person. Life was a series of choices and she had made some bad ones but she had also made some great ones.
"You supported me and loved me through all the drama and that's why I'm standing here. I wasted so much time hating myself for the stupid mistakes that I'd made. But, the truth is, without all of those, I never would have dreamed this to be my future. I was the only one standing in the way of myself."
When she'd spoken those words, she knew how true and real they were and she meant every single word. Maybe not to every person in that room, if she were being honest. She thinks that there was only one person in that room that she was really speaking to. Only one that had supported her and actually made her want to be a better person. She had her slip ups after that speech but after that acceptance into Yale, she wasn't concerned about being on top and being popular. Quinn didn't mind being alone, in a romantic sense. Because in her mind, she had finally succeeded. She had finally figured out her worth. Some of it, at least.
Yale, so far, had been amazing. Life after high school had been more than she could have ever imagined and it still felt like it was only the beginning. She lived in an apartment just off of campus and paid for it with guilt money she'd gotten from her dad. Quinn hadn't had a relationship with her father and had maybe only seen him once or twice since she'd been kicked out of the house when she was sophomore in high school and a pregnant, just-barely sixteen year old.
Russell had reached out to her a few times, apologizing and offering her gifts and money. She didn't want to accept any of it but she needed schooling to be paid for and living off campus and not having to have to deal with a roommate was extremely ideal. So, she accepted the money and spoke to him on the phone every two weeks to update him on her life and how she's doing. He had apparently visited her in the hospital a few times after her accident but she was never was awake for that and part of her is upset becase that. Knowing that her dad cared and cares, even a little bit, means so much. Even if she will always be a little angry with him.
Making things right is something Quinn has been big on lately. Balancing out her negative karma or something like that because she knows the choices she'd made in her life were exactly that, choices. She's reaped the consequences. Whatever the world has thrown at her and whatever she's brought on herself. Making amends, repairing relationships, doing good things because she wants to – it's all been part of her life in recent times.
There was once person Quinn felt like she owed the world to and that was Rachel Berry.
The same Rachel who had been a pain in her ass during high school and yet the only person who she believes was ever really, truly there for her. Who believed that there was good somewhere deep in the girl who was selfish and felt nothing.
Truth is, Quinn felt a lot, despite what people said. She could put on that stoic face and walk down the hallways of McKinley, instilling fear in the passers by, but Rachel always saw through that façade and Quinn loved her for that. For believing in her when no one else did, including herself. Quinn loves her for that. It was Rachel that Quinn was speaking to when she told the glee about her Yale acceptance.
She knew that she had finally achieved something with the encouragement from Rachel that she's always been more than just a pretty face. That she had a place in the world outside of Lima, Ohio. And somewhere along the way in the middle of their senior year, Rachel, too, had forgotten that she had the same chance to make it. Honestly, Quinn believed that Rachel would be the only one to get out and make something of herself but the girl traded her dreams for Finn and almost gave up the chance of having an amazing future. Quinn wanted to remind her of that somehow, and the speech she'd given about letting go of the past was her way. It had backfired. It pushed Rachel even closer to Finn, accepting his proposal and ultimately beginning what Quinn felt was the worst broken heart she'd ever experienced after giving up Beth. That, of course, was a different sort of broken heart, though.
A different kind of love.
Buying Rachel, and herself, those Metro North passes might have been one of the best things she's ever done because when Finn broke up with Rachel, the girl found herself needing a friend and Quinn was more than eager to step in and be the comfort that Rachel needed. It led to something more and the love she found she had for Rachel was extremely fierce. She discovered it'd always been there but it was never quite ready to emerge onto the surface. Fear kept those feelings buried beneath and she masked the fear of the unrecognizable feelings of love for Rachel, with disdain. And god, she's so lucky that Rachel's the type of person who is forgiving and knows exactly what unconditional love is.
They were in a good place in their relationship and it scared Quinn to death. She guesses that's why all these thoughts have been keeping her awake so often recently. Because Rachel's always been so forgiving and supportive and never once turned away from Quinn despite how the blonde treated her and Quinn is so sure she's going to find a way to screw it up. Find a way to ultimately drive Rachel away and prove that all the harsh things that've been said about her are, in fact, true.
Quinn ran a hand through her hair and then hung her head, burying her face in her hands. She was so frustrated but found herself breathing out a sigh of relief when she heard the slight creak of the bedroom door and gentle footsteps on the wood floor out to the living room where she was now camped out in. Waking Rachel was the last thing she wanted to do but whenever she was in her presence, Quinn couldn't help but feel a sense of calm wash over her.
Rachel quietly approached from the couch from behind and wrapped her arms around Quinn, pressing a kiss to the blonde's temple and whispering a "hi" in a soft and sleepy voice.
"Hi", Quinn whispers back, just as Rachel rounds the couch and comes into full view. She's beautiful, even in the middle of the night with no make up on, mussed hair, and wearing only an oversized grey t-shirt of Quinn's that has "YALE" printed across the front and it may be one of Quinn's favorite looks of Rachel's. The girl took a seat, turning to face Quinn and crossing her legs in front of her.
"I didn't wake you, did I?" the blonde asked quietly, not turning her face to look at her girlfriend.
Rachel shakes her head adamantly, letting out a yawn before she can stop herself– Quinn smiles, to herself, at that– then the brunette goes to speak, "No, no. I– I just tried to reach out for you but your side of the bed was cold. I missed you and your warmth."
Quinn chuckled, Rachel could bring anything out from her, make her forget troubles even if only for a brief moment.
"My warmth?" she asked, quirking an eyebrow, amusement written across her face.
"Yes, Quinn. You really are quite excellent at cuddling, though I know you would never admit that in the outside world. You're warm, soft, you're just– you're you. Everything about you is very 'Quinn' and I love being in the midst of it all."
Quinn hummed in acknowledgment, "The weekends we get to spend together really are some of the best times of my life, you know?"
Rachel smiled, "Mine too. Quinn.." She hesitated for just a moment, "Is– is there something wrong?"
Quinn let out a deep sigh and turned her body to face Rachel, crossing her legs, so they were in the same position and face to face. It was dark but they could see the other's face clearly. Rachel heart clenched just a little, when she saw the expression on Quinn's face. The blonde's eyes were shining with unshed tears and she looked deep in thought, pained, and her eyes wouldn't quite meet Rachel's.
"Quinn.." Rachel started but she was cut off by a question.
"Do you think I'm a bad person?" Quinn rasped out.
"What?" asked a little taken aback, she really hadn't been expecting those to be the words she would hear, "Of course not! You're one of the best people I know."
Quinn let out a humorless laugh, "I've done so many bad things, to a lot of people, to you.."
Rachel nodded, just barely, but it was noticeable enough, "You have. But so have I, so has everyone, Quinn. What's this about?"
"I'm sorry, you know? For anything I've ever done to hurt you."
"I know," she reached out and tucked a stray strand of hair behind Quinn's ear before letting her hand rest on the girl's cheek, "it's okay."
"I don't deserve you."
Quinn didn't mean to be sounding so desperate and needy and self-pitying, but should couldn't stop these things from being said and she felt that, maybe, Rachel needed to hear them. She wouldn't normally be acting this way but the thoughts and sleepless nights were getting to be too frequent, during the week, and even on weekends when she would be lying in bed next to Rachel. Quinn couldn't handle it anymore.
"Quinn, stop it!", Rachel's voice barely rose above a whisper but the force behind it could be felt. Quinn shuddered a little.
"Everything you've gone through, everything you've lost, after pulling yourself through all of that and making it, making it to Yale, recovering from an almost fatal car accident.. you don't think you deserve to have everything you have now?"
Quinn shrugged and Rachel shook her head in disbelief before putting her hands on either side of Quinn's face and looking her straight in the eyes. There was a shimmer of unshed tears glossing Rachel's eyes.
"You, Lucy Quinn Fabray, are the strongest person I know and I am so in love with you. You said, once upon a time, when we were back in Lima that You can't change your past but you can let go and start your future. So let go, Quinn! Let go. You've made it this far. Let go of the rest of it. The words you said, I said, anyone said that hurt you or me... let's let go together, okay? You have me, you won't lose me. You're exactly who you should be and where you should be."
You can't argue with Rachel Berry and as Quinn thought that, she let out a little laugh and Rachel pouted.
"What?," she demanded.
"You're just everything I'll ever need."