I never really cried as a child. I mean, not like normal kids did. I was born with a heart defect, a new mutation our scientists hadn't figured out how to cure yet. When I first came into the world, my heart wouldn't start. They didn't know why, it just failed. They managed to save me, but I've had problems with it all my life.

So every time I cried, it was completely silent. Only soft breathing and tears. My parents would wake up at night expecting me to need something, as babies often do. They woke up many times to see that I was crying, but they just didn't know. It broke their hearts, that they couldn't help me. They think it's a side effect of my condition, that my heart is just predisposed to not overwork itself by screaming and wailing like other babies did. And this side effect has remained all throughout my 16 years.

They've caught me many more times crying and not asking for help. I didn't want to be a burden, so I never said anything. When they'd catch me, they would look disappointed, and sad. I hated it. The pity in their eyes, it made me angry. But I don't really mind it anymore. I've put them through more stress than any parent should ever have to deal with, so I think I owe them that.

But that doesn't mean I don't still have problems. For a while, I was on medication. It was so bad. But something...happened. And now they don't like it when I use it anymore. To please them I don't, but now that I don't use it the problems are worse than ever.

I'll wake up sweating in the middle of the night, a scream in my throat. My heart pounding, body shaking, tears beginning to form, helplessly clutching at my bed sheets so tight I'm surprised they haven't moonlight spilling from my window my only source of comfort telling me that I am in the real world again. Thinking of all the people I've killed, their scared faces, the families they leave behind, I cry. I regret so much, but what can I do that I haven't tried? After that, I can never go back to sleep, so I go out. I leave the dark confines of my room, climb out the window, head into the night. I spend time with my... let's call them friends. They're always out at night, doing a variety of things beings of their type do. It works as a distraction most of the time. I come back home just before I have to get ready for school, slip back into my routine and continue on as if nothing happened. They don't know about any of this. And I don't plan to ever let them know. They can't. It would be too much. I couldn't.

Then they happened. Andrea, Emma, Adrian. These three people that at first I barely had a connection to and know they're the only reason I live. To see their faces, to see Andrea smile, to share my food with Emma, to teach Adrien how to protect himself. In the fairly short time we've been friends we have bonded so much. We have been through life or death situations, fought monsters, killed, saved, destroyed. All because of that cursed Order. I never wanted them to be part of it, but now it's a part of all of our lives. And I know there is nothing I can do, because this is what the Universe wanted. It is our fate, to fight and live and die for the world. I don't care for it, but at the same time, it brought us closer than I would have ever thought possible. They are my dearest friends, connected to my soul. They will have a place in my heart forever.

Especially her. Andrea.

Last night I had a nightmare. It was worse than it usually was. And having just come back from a mission, they had all decided to stay over at my house. Andrea, being the overly affectionate and loving person she is wanted to sleep with me. It's a little weird, but when you've literally had to carry each other's bleeding bodies to safety more than once you learn to like the contact. Knowing the other person is there, warm and safe and whole, can mean so much after you've seen each other nearly die. So I let her sleep with me.

My bed isn't that big, so it can get a little cramped. I have to literally be spooning her to fit and for me at least, it can be more than a little awkward. She doesn't mind, so it stays nice. She knows I get nightmares, but this was the first time she had been there with me. I had been afraid of this, but when your soul is plagued with shadows you can only hope for nightly peace. I woke suddenly, tightening my hold on her, breathing hard and fast, nearly in tears. I tried so hard not to cry, I couldn't have her seeing me like that. I prayed she wouldn't wake up as she is a deep sleeper, but she always seems to know when I'm upset.

She turned to me in the dark, slowly. She touched my cheek gently, nudging my face with hers. It was so quiet you could still hear my frantic breathing, the rustling of my covers, and her soft gentle breaths. Looking in her deep purple eyes, turned that way by magic, enveloped in the warmth of my room and the dark of the night, I remembered I was safe again. Then she spoke,

"Ash, it's okay. I'm here. You're safe, it's fine. Breathe"

And I just couldn't hold it in anymore and began crying in her arms. As tears slowly came down my face, my breath coming in small hiccups and arms enclosing around her even tighter she only kept whispering it's okay over and over again. So there we lay, surrounded by the layers of night, me holding her and her softly rubbing her face on mine soothing my fears.

Slowly I calmed down. Soon her voice stopped and she just hugged me. Quietly, gently, she said

"It's okay now, it's passed. We can talk in the morning if you want." Then she looked in my eyes, determinedly. "Please just talk to me okay?" I couldn't say anything back, but she knew what I meant. After that I fell into a deep, dark sleep, managing to get at least a little rest. In the morning she was as kind and loving as ever, frantically fretting over me in that motherly way she does with everyone. But we're friends, so I know she only cares about my well being. And when she went home again I went into my room, sitting on the same bed she slept on before. I was still honestly surprised. Nobody had ever cared for me like that, besides my parents. But with her it was different. I know they love me, they're my parents. But she doesn't have any obligation to me. All she had was a brief friendship as children, then years of separation. Yet she still cares for me. She accepted me into her heart, treated me like her family. She...loves me.

And it's because of that that I'm still alive. Before I didn't have anything to live for. Now her, and her friends and family, they are what matters. Protecting who I love is my only goal. I will stand by it, and her me. I am lucky to have them.

After this, the nightmares still continued. Not even her love could stop a lifetime of pain and darkness. But now when I wake up in the middle of the night, not knowing where I am, unsure if I am safe, hating myself more than anything else in the moment, I remember them.

When my mind goes to dark places, I imagine her face. Theirs too, Adrian and Emma. I know they would be sad, and I can't put them through that. Plus, they still need me. So I'm here. Like I will be for as long as I can.

Authors Note: GEEZ starting with angst is hard. This went all over the place, but I guess that's kinda the point. The one-shots are going to be random and all over the Elemental timeline. I'm just going to start and stop whenever I want, based on my inspiration. This isn't a real story, just a way for me to get my most important ideas down for later. One day I'll make this a real thing, with a timeline and order and consistent style. Not yet though!