No more hope.

Well,this isn't a fanfic or something like that,it's more like a personal sotry about my own life wich i wanted to write about because someone really important in my life told me that writing might help with my feelings.

It beggins back in 2014,high school. I've joined one of most famous and hardest to get into school from my city but,not for the technical learning,just for the half period on an certain área(mechatronic). There was such an beautyfull and cute long haired guy named Stefano but,he wouldn't ever look at me,all he could ever look at was redheads... I even tryed to paint my hair so he would look at me but i think he never noted me. Some months pasted and i went by stalking him on facebook and instagram to find out what he like and i found out we had such an Strong and common passion:Cars and gaming. I was too shy to ever get to him by my own,i literally hate myself... I can't bare to look at myself in a mirror without crying or anything like it... So,i've used and redhead Picture i've found to make he notice me. It worked out better than i expected,he actually started to talk to me,play with me,spend time with me... Years went by and we started a relationship(he never knew the truth,but i felt like if i told him i would hurt him way too much because i've taken it too far already,so i decided to keep it and try my best to cheer him up,do him good and make him anything he would like while i could. He had to stop playing due to hes job,hes school and hes car so,he gave me hes account for playing(getting progress to him and enjoying the games he had). One year went by and i met a guy named Tyran in a game called smite. Since Stefano was gone,i felt like i needed new firends and i tryed to met him. He downloaded kik and when we first talked it felt like we known each other for years already... And i couldn't even focus on the conversation,he was so sexy i was getting distracted easily... I went talking to him,playing and meeting him better and,we end up as a couple. It was the best thing i've ever had in my whole entire life!he was flawless perfection in every single way an girl could ever dream about... On the road,i've met Andrew. The sweetest,bighearted and lovely guy i think there is on the universe. I gave him the "guard angel" name because,he would literally act as my guard angel. He helped me trough the roughest moments of my life,since my Family is a mess and i on my own am a huge mess of depression and stupidity... I would get up every single morning to play any game with him,he would make me feel good,loved,alive again... Then,there was Ryan. an guy i decided to invite to my smite party to fill but,we actually went way too far than just smite friends. He was like the older brother i've never had on my entire life,he would cheer me up whenever i was sad,help me with my mood whenever it wasnt fine,and make me laugh with everything just to see "my smile". Last but not any less importante,there was Moises. The owner of the biggest car comunity on Xbox(i think). When i met him,he was a bit depressed and way too down,i wanted to try my best to cheer him up and get him to play games and go to the church again(like he told me he used to).I actually did but,a loto f worst things happened on the way...

I never wanted to lie at first but,i never felt confidente about showing my real person,i Always been ignored,rejected,trhown away... I just wanted to feel loved,to feel wanted,to have people really caring and coming after me,but i guess i did it all wrong...

I had accounts,credit cards,passes,etc... But,i never used. It wasnt about the Money,games or anything. If i wanted,i'd had got each one account and just stolen(wich i didnt). I just wanted to have friends and be a good friend... I just wanted to heal the wounds tyran exes left on him,nut i guess i only hurt him much more..

I only wanted to cheer andrew and show him how beautyfull and amazing he was,despite whatever people would do and say,but i guess i only let him down more...

I only wanted to be a good friend to Ryan,to be someone he could talk to and share his things with without being judged or hurt,but i guess i only made him hate me..

I only wanted to help moises feel better,forget the previous girls he had and the mean stuff people would say to him,but i guess i only did him bad...

I couldn't deal with my feelings,they made me go crazy and do some stuff i didnt wanted to...

Tyran,i really did loved you and i meant every single word i ever typed you,being it a lovely declaration or an giant madness text because you wouldnt reply me.

Andrew,you really were my guardian angel,you healed most of my wounds,you gave me hope again and you made me feel alive,something i wouldnt for such a long.

Stefano,i never met such a great and cool guy like you,so chill,so nice,so lovely,you have the art of finding hope in middle of chaos,the bright on your eyes...

Ryan,i understand how much you probably hate me but,it wasnt for bad,i only wanted company,friends,people who would really care... you were the best friend i could ever have,i felt safe to share my whole life,how i was feeling and everything with you... I even got jealous sometimes when you dindt replyed or stuff because i really liked you.

Moise,i am really sorry for the huge mess on your club and you feelings,you have the beautyest heart someone could ever have,i dont think theres someone so forgiving,understanding and cute like you,i really hope you find someone good enough for you on your life.

All i wanted was company,friends,love... NEVER to mess with anyones stuff or feelings,i'm really sorry i've did it guys,im really really sorry...

Now my life feels empty... I keep staring at pictures i have of each one of you,Reading our old conversations,wonering how everything would be if it was real...

I only lied about my image and some sutff i have(like the car and fancy things were from Stefano),the whole rest i truely meant...

By the time any of you read this(if it gets read,i understand if you guys ignore it,i really hurt yall...) i might be dead already...

My life goes by getting drunk,doing weed,getting more drunk,more weed,cocaine,etc...

I cant bare the pain of having hurt all of you the way i did,i need to stay crazy to be able to keep going but,im pretty sure i will die soon by the way im doing it...

And the jail?in brazil?to get raped my 20+ other guys and murdered in a cell? This is the worlds rank 1 in violence,criminality and deaths per day,id rather shoot myself in the head then going there...

Please guys,if any of you read this,text me back,i would really want to say at least a proper goodbye for the ones that were my reason to live.

I appreciate whoever took time to read it,i really do.

I love all of you guys and i really hope something really good happens on yall lifes,i pray everyday(even tho i am not one god likes) and everything i wrote does serve to other people i met(like Berney,Momma jordin,Matias,etc...)