All That Matters
The Daleks were going to kill him. He knew that. And he knew that he would have no chance of regenerating.
But somehow, he didn't care. In a way, he welcomed death. He had seen too much. The pain… all those people, dead.
The guilt. Because it was his fault they were dead. And it was his fault the Time Lords had died, and the Daleks had survived. His people had died. For nothing.
But there was one spark of light in the darkness that was his life. One good thing he'd managed to do. He'd sent Rose home. She would be angry at him, he knew. She would probably try to turn the TARDIS around, to get it to take her back. But that would be impossible, since he'd set the TARDIS not to respond to her at the same time he'd set it to take her home.
He would die, but she would be safe. And now, that was all that mattered.
But as he stood there and waited for death, he heard a terrifyingly familiar noise – the sound of the TARDIS materializing. He whirled around, and there it was.
How can this be? he asked himself. He knew there was only one way Rose could have told the TARDIS to come back after he'd programmed it to send her home, but she wouldn't have thought of that. She wouldn't have done it. It was far, far too dangerous. She couldn't have done it.
But when the doors of the TARDIS doors opened and light flooded out, so bright it knocked him to the ground, and a shining, beautiful being stepped out, he knew that she had.
Rose had looked into the heart of the TARDIS, and by doing that, she'd absorbed the Time Vortex. That was why she'd been able to return.
Did she know? Did she know how dangerous it was to do that? Did she know that she could have died? That she still could, and probably would?
He tried to tell her this, tried to reason with her. He knew that if he died, she'd soon forget him. But if she died… if she died saving him… he'd never, ever forgive himself.
And to go on living, with Rose dead?
He'd already experienced what that felt like once – when he'd thought she'd been vaporized by the droid. He couldn't let that happen again.
If she died… there would be no reason for him to live.
He tried to tell her to just let it go, but she wouldn't listen. She looked down at him and said, "I want you safe."
As if that mattered, as if anything mattered when she was about to die…
His brain, clever as it was, hadn't fully registered the meaning of those words. Then she said, "My Doctor."
Her Doctor. Those two words sounded in his mind, over and over, as she continued speaking.
Her Doctor.
Those words gave him the first spark of hope that maybe, just maybe… she cared for him too.
Of course that was impossible, he told himself, knowing that if she didn't feel that way, his hearts would break, and he didn't want to let that happen. A 900-year-old alien and a 19-year-old human?
It could never happen, he thought sadly.
Even if she did love him – which she didn't, he reminded himself – she would die eventually, and he would have to go on living, alone, without her.
He couldn't imagine a world without her.
He looked up to see that the Daleks were gone. Their ships, their emperor… all gone. Rose had destroyed them, for good this time.
Maybe, even now, it was not too late for her to let go of the Vortex, to be safe. He told her once again to let it go, but still she refused. She told him she could bring life.
And somewhere on the satellite he felt Jack start breathing again.
Jack Harkness. He knew Rose liked Jack. It hurt so much, but he knew. So of course she would save him. His hearts wrenched at the thought of them, together, without him…
No, he told himself. That doesn't matter. Not right now. Rose matters. Saving Rose. That's all that matters.
If she died, it would be his fault. He had to save her, and he could think of only one way.
"I can see everything," Rose told him, and he looked up at her in amazement. "All that was, all that is, all that ever could be."
He so desperately wanted to ask her if "all that could be" might include them. But in her voice, he could hear the first tiny fragments of pain. He stood up. The Vortex was consuming her, he could tell. It was time.
"My head," she said, and he looked at her and accepted what he was about to do and what it would cost him, and knew that it was worth it.
If he could save Rose, anything would be worth it.
"Come here," he said.
"It's killing me," she said, nearly crying in pain, and all he wanted to do was take that pain away from her, no matter what the cost was.
"I think you need a Doctor," he told her, realizing as he said it how cheesy it sounded, but at the same time knowing it was the perfect thing to say.
And then he took her in his arms and kissed her, and the Time Vortex flowed from her into him.
And when he finally pulled away, he knew that this was right. This was how it was meant to be. Because he had saved her. Now he would nearly die. He would regenerate, and it would be the worst agony he'd ever been through, but he would bear it, because it was for Rose. He knew that after he'd regenerated, nothing would be the same. Perhaps she wouldn't even want to travel with him anymore after he had changed. He knew that he would be devastated if that happened.
But not right now. Because right now there was only Rose, and him, and the feeling of the kiss still lingering on his lips.
He had saved her. She was still alive.
And he was her Doctor. Forever.
And that was all that mattered.