I won't say it again: I do not own Phineas and Ferb or anything related thereto.

Episode 1: Teeth and Trampolines

All was quiet as the clear morning light danced playfully through the window, giving shape to the room in which the two boys enjoyed their final moments of slumber. On the nightstand an alarm clock shone the time 6:59 for only a moment before reaching a new hour and setting off the alarm.

"Good morning, Tri-State Area!" Phineas and Ferb awoke to the cheerful voice of the morning radio host. "It's another beautiful summer day, so hold on to your platypuses, and make it a great one."

"Sounds like a plan to me!" Phineas said, stretching. "Hey Ferb, wake up! We're not having our best sleep in day ever until next week!" As Ferb stirred, he accidentally bumped Perry, receiving a mildly annoyed chirp.

"Good morning, Perry," Phineas said, while Ferb picked up the platypus and held him high in the air.

"Grdrdrdrdrdrdrd," the platypus chattered in response.

Phineas shifted to shut off the alarm, but suddenly something the speaker said stopped him. "And good morning to you, too! It's such a marvelous, magnificent, wonderful, happy, bright, shining day today! I can't even begin to describe how much it just warms my insides to be the first thing you hear on such a great day! It pleases me beyond measure! It delights me without end! It—hey, how did all you people get in here? It's supposed to be locked! What's that you say? No; no I am not too cheerful to be a morning talk show host! It's literally part of the job descript—hey! Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to please put that down. Yes, down! No! Not right there, you'll cut the—BZZT!" Just like that, the room was silent once more.

Phineas gave Ferb a quizzical look before a different voice addressed them from the radio. "I'm sorry, we seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties." Then a soft instrumental tone began to play a familiar tune.

{Bow chika bow-wow, that's what my baby says!
Mow-mow-mow, and my heart starts pumping!}

Phineas turned off the radio and sat down on his bed. "So, what should we do today?" He said, bringing his hand to his chin in thought. "I know! We can build a motorcycle that transforms into an airplane! No wait, we've already done that. How about we make a slinky that can do that thing slinkys do, you know, like this?" He gestured to Ferb by revolving his fingers around in a circle to demonstrate. "But we will do it from the tallest skyscraper in Danville!" Ferb's expression didn't change. "You're right, Ferb, that might be considered invasive to the private sector." The wheels in his brain continued to churn. "I know! We could build a microscopic pogo stick!"

"What benefit would a microscopic pogo stick have over a regular one?" Ferb asked.

"I don't know," Phineas responded. "It could probably bounce higher. No, you're right, Ferb. We can do better than that. We should do something simple, something that everybody loves, a toy that every child dreams of having. Say, Ferb, what's your favorite toy?"

Ferb didn't hesitate. "A Ferb-E," he said, holding out a furry green stuffed animal that looked like a brick crossed with an alien.

The toy, noticing it was holding the boys' attention, squawked in a high-pitched voice, "Easter! Easter! Easter egg, Easter egg, Easter egg!"

Phineas recoiled. "Dude! Why do you still have that thing? It's creeping me out!"

Ferb set the toy back on his bed next to Perry. Perry warily glanced at the Ferb-E and emitted a warning chirrup. "You tell it, Perry. We are so not making another one of those things," Phineas proclaimed while he headed over to the computer the two shared. After a quick internet search, Phineas announced, "I got it! It says here that the most popular toy of all time is a trampoline! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Ferb's expression was unreadable as always.

"Then it's decided!" Phineas agreed. "We'll build the coolest trampoline ever! Hey, where's Perry?"

The two boys turned and saw that the platypus was no longer laying on Ferb's bed. The Ferb-E, noticing the break in noise, began to sing, "Doo-bee doo-bee doo-bah! Doo-bee doo-bee doo-bah!"

Agent P fell into his lair and climbed into his red seat. The screen above him flickered on to display the face of Major Monogram. "Good morning, Agent P. The evil Doctor Doofenshmirtz is at it again. We don't know what he's planning, but our analysts, and by that I mean Carl, say he's been researching dental hygiene. Which normally I'd say is technically good; but most people are afraid of getting going to the dentist, so whatever he's up to is probably evil. Make sure it gets eliminated." With a salute, the secret agent departed in his hover car.

"Gahhhhhh, there's nothing to dooooooo," Candace drawled while she lay half moping on her bed and half hanging over the side. "The only thing that takes my mind off being so bored is busting my brothers, and I'd be better off trying to eat my own foot. Well," she reasoned, slowly picking herself up, "might as well go see what they're up to this time. Not that it'll do any good…"

Meanwhile, the boys were busily working. As Ferb was hammering away overhead and Phineas was tightening some screws into a metal frame, the quirky-worky song ended in the background: Bah-duh-dee-dee-dah, bada da da dah. Without warning their teenage sister appeared beside Phineas.

"Alright," Candace said unenthusiastically, "let's get this over with. Phineas, what are you up to?"

Phineas turned away from his work to look up at her. "Ferb and I decided to build a trampoline today."

"A trampoline?" Candace cocked an eyebrow, looking unimpressed. "Isn't that a little too possible to be up to your standards?"

"Yes, yes it is," Phineas responded, causing her to roll her eyes. "But we aren't just making an ordinary trampoline; you'll see."

"Well unless Mom sees, I don't really care." Candace turned to walk back to her room. In a monotone voice she added, "I'll be back to bust once I overcome my state of depressed boredom and ennui."

"I hear grilled-cheese helps fight those negative feelings," Phineas advised as she closed the door behind her.

"I don't take advice from little brothers!" He heard her yell through the window.

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated

The hover car took no notice of the fact that there was a wall in the way and smashed right into the living room. Agent P leapt out and quickly pressed a button on the outside of the craft, causing it to instantaneously fold itself into a briefcase.

"You can hang that over there on the coat rack if you'd like," Doofenshmirtz said with an unamused demeanor, as by now he was quite used to having his wall smashed through. Agent P set the briefcase on one of the rungs and accidentally activated a hidden switch. Two ropes lashed out and bound him by the wrists, hanging him up with his arms overhead and causing his webbed feet to dangle a couple inches off the floor.

"Haha! You fell right into my trap!" Doofenshmirtz gleefully gestured. "Sorry, I didn't mean to rope you into this." Turning, the evil scientist walked towards a strange shape covered in a white sheet.

"Now, Perry the Platypus, you will witness my latest creation. Behold," Doofenshmirtz theatrically grabbed the sheet and flung it off the device, "my Wisdom-teeth-inator!" A small bench was revealed, sporting a cushion for laying on, while multiple strange mechanical claws stuck out of the sides and rested curled up over the top, like two rows of scorpion tails.

"I bet you are wondering what it does. Well, it all started back in my childhood. In Gimmelstump, very few children ever had their wisdom teeth removed. Most parents were too poor to afford the operation, and most doctors weren't skilled enough to perform it." Doofenshmirtz remembered in a flashback the image of a doctor trying to figure out by the light of a torch how to plug in a drill when there was no electricity. Reverting back to the present, he continued, "Sadly, I don't have any insurance so I still cannot afford to get my wisdom teeth pulled, hence I invented this machine to do it painlessly for me. Unfortunately for you, Perry the Platypus, the procedure will leave me temporarily vulnerable to your attacks, so I'm gonna have to leave you tied up until it's finished." Agent P tried pulling himself up to gnaw at the ropes, but struggled to make any headway.

Doofenshmirtz climbed onto the bench and laid back. "Oh, wait!" He announced, sitting bolt upright. "I can't forget the sleeping gas, so I don't feel any of the pain. Here we go," said he, placing a clear plastic mask over his face. "Within moments, Perry the Platypus," he continued as he laid back down, "I will be sleeping peacefully, and you will be—." The last sound he made was a loud snore as the claws went to work.

I am only eating this because it's my favorite sandwich, Candace reassured herself as she bit into her grilled-cheese. Not because Phineas told me to; I would have wanted one irregardless. This has no correlation whatsoever to him and Ferb and their weirdical weirdness.

As time went on, she started to hear more sounds of construction going on in the backyard. She attempted to drown out the noise by watching TV but inevitably she was drawn back outside. Candace thought she had reached the point where there was nothing her brothers could do now that would surprise her, but what she saw upon drawing back the blinds instantly proved that notion wrong.

"You have got to be kidding me," she said, unable to hide the shock written on her face. She whipped out her phone. "This time, you boys are going down. Down, down, down!"

Agent P watched the claws deposit a small object he assumed was a tooth into a nearby bucket and slowly creep to a stop, signaling that the procedure must be complete. The evil scientist lay prone for a few minutes, finally stirring when one of the claws prodded him. He gently rose to a sitting position and looked around the room. As Agent P watched, something in Doofenshmirtz's movements seemed strange. Doofenshmirtz gently felt the side of his jaw with his hand and made what sounded to Agent P like a goat noise. "Haremi?"

Agent P cocked his head sideways, trying to understand what he said. "Haremi? Haremi?" It seemed like every syllable took considerable effort to enunciate. Finally, Agent P understood what he was saying. "Where am I?" Suddenly he began to wonder if Doofenshmirtz had accidentally used too much Novocain.

Doofenshmirtz slowly stood and began to stagger about the room. His legs looked awkward and rigid, like they were asleep. Doofenshmirtz found a tall mirror and stared at himself. "My kimbles a hemmemmy?" He slurred, using a nearby counter for balance. Suddenly his eyes widened in surprise as he made eye contact with Agent P through the mirror. "Pelly la plapypoops!?" Doofenshmirtz shrieked and stumbled backwards, falling over and rolling. Instead of stopping, he let himself roll and roll in a continuous series of backwards summersaults while simultaneously making baby noises for his own amusement. When bumping his back into the Wisdom-teeth-inator stopped him short, he threw his head back and cackled crazily.

Agent P shook his head in disbelief. Doofenshmirtz had drugged himself silly.

"I think it's finally finished," Phineas announced as he and Ferb beheld their creation. High above the lawn of their backyard was a complex compilation of stretchy trampoline tarps held by an uncountable number of springs angled in every which way imaginable. Trampolines had been assorted of every size and shape and were held at every angle conceivable. Finally, there were multiple stories of springs, allowing one to jump from higher to lower tiers at his leisure. Together, they allowed for all kinds of tricks including jumping sideways, at all sorts of angles, and from very and to very high places. Underneath the entire structure lay a safety net as a precaution. Taken altogether, it looked like a loopy building made entirely from trampolines.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Phineas asked, and the two boys rushed forward to begin bouncing. The material was the best, allowing them to bounce as high as they desired. Ferb started to show off a little, doing some flips and tricks. Phineas had some tricks of his own; jumping through loops and breaking silly dance poses in mid-air, including a karate kick, a meditating monk, a diver, and even a mock ballerina pirouette. As his poses became increasingly ridiculous, he did the Statue of Liberty (he was somehow fully dressed in iconic garb during that jump), a cowboy swinging a real lasso (again he had instantaneously changed into a cowboy hat and jeans), and then a pantomime feigning to be standing on thin air (nobody knew how he kept changing in the brief moment he spent off-screen each fall). Ferb joined in on the fun, posing as a rapper with bling, a camper resting in a sleeping bag, an Easter Island tiki head, and a flopping fish out of water.

After running out of whimsical gags, Phineas spoke. "Hey Ferb, let's go try out the dodgeball room!"

One camera wipe and an instant later, they were standing in it.

"Cool! We've got holographic opponents to face-off with!" Phineas exclaimed. As he said it, projections of light appeared on the far side of the court, quickly morphing into large, rough-looking, snarling alien monsters. A strobe light materialized from the ceiling, flashing the room with all sorts of other-worldly colors and hues; and a switch somewhere clicked, adjusting the gravity inside the room to a fraction of what was normal for earth. A bell rang, signaling the start of the match, and soft rubber balls fell out of the ceiling.

"Awesome!" Was all Phineas said as he and Ferb began bounding around the court which was of course made with only trampoline-like surfaces allowing for bouncing off walls, floors, and all. Ferb caught a ball and threw it skillfully, hitting one opponent square in the chest. Another ball came flying at him, but in midair; Ferb bent over backwards in slow motion, barely dodging the projectile while simultaneously imitating a famous movie scene.

Meanwhile, Candace was walking towards the contraption whilst talking to her mother on her cell. "Mom, you won't believe what they built this time! It's a huge clubhouse thing made out of trampolines! You gotta come home and bust them right away!" At that moment, she tripped on her own shoelace, landing on the only trampoline that was at ground level. Her momentum caused her to rebound upward into the next level, where she landed on another trampoline causing her to bounce higher still.

All Candace could do was scream as she helplessly flew from tier to tier; narrowly dodging in the process a jumping shark contained in a small pool somewhere below, the circus loops Phineas had been using earlier which were now inexplicably lit on fire, and a swinging pendulum upon which a monkey was nested. Candace dodged the pendulum, but the monkey caught her by the arms and swung her like a trapeze acrobat. She was caught by another monkey that was actually using a trapeze. It hauled her up and gave her a slobbery kiss on the mouth before swinging her in a new direction entirely.

Candace landed in a fairly large, open spot that absorbed most of her momentum, allowing her to come to a rest. "Ew, yuck!" She mouthed, wiping her face off. "Phineas and Ferb!" She screamed, "you two are so busted! Huh?" Suddenly, the spot she sat on began to sink, as if by her own weight. Deeper and deeper, it was pulled by some unseen mechanical force until Candace was stuck in a tight space low beneath the rest of the plane of the trampoline. Without warning, it sprang back upward with such force Candace was sent hurtling skyward at a mind-numbing pace.

"AAAAAHHHHHHH!" She screamed as her hair whipped along behind her, rising ever higher until she peaked. For a second, time slowed, and she saw the whole Tri-State Area sprawled out far below her. She began to fall back down, falling for longer than it seemed possible, and screaming the whole way.

With a crash, she fell through the ceiling of the dodgeball room and was caught by the trampoline flooring right next to Phineas. "Hi, Candace!" Phineas greeted. "Watch out!"

At that moment, a dodgeball flew out of nowhere and hit Candace upside the head. "OW! What was that for!" No sooner had she spoken then a barrage of rubber balls hailed down upon her, pelting every square inch of her body. "Ow, ow, ow! Stop it! Stop it!" Was all she could say while she shielded herself with her arms.

Ferb leapt into action. He picked up a ball and tossed it into high into the air. In slow motion, he expertly leapt and twisted in mid-flight, then kicked his foot over his head in a bicycle maneuver used only by master soccer players. His foot impacted the ball with such force and accuracy that it hit all the monster opponents, slamming target after target, using each ricochet to redirect it toward the next one. Just like that, all of them were out, and the onslaught Candace had been exposed to ceased.

"We won!" Phineas celebrated. "Nice D-balling there, Ferb."

"Phineas!" Candace growled, rising to her feet. "I'm telling Mom!" With that, she stormed out of the arena.

"Great," Phineas responded. "Telling Mom what?"

The situation hadn't improved much. Doofenshmirtz had regained most of his speech and body control, but he was still wacky as a hammer and a two-by-four. Agent P couldn't help but wish he had a video camera right now; this would get tons of laughs back at the Agency.

"Wheeeee! Wheeeee!" Doofenshmirtz was pretending his screwdriver was a toy airplane and kept flying it around the room. In series of violent collisions, he crashed it into the arms of his Wisdom-teeth-inator, rendering it virtually broken. "We are the Bumblebees who strike with digilence!" He commented, jumping up and down in excitement. "My goldfish stand smitten by brevity! Acknowledge thine attention, Mr. Sodapants!"

Doofenshmirtz galumphed his way over to a cabinet. Slamming the hatches wide open, he pulled out a compound bow and an arrow. Suddenly Agent P snapped alert, for his crazed nemesis was now carrying a weapon. But Doofenshmirtz started twirling the bow by its string like a baton, and all fear passed the secret agent just as quickly.

"I am the very model of a modern Major Monogram," Doofenshmirtz sang as he paraded around with his makeshift batons. "I've information vegetable, animal and hologram; I tote an underwater cam, I weigh a dainty kilogram, I am the very model of a modern Major Monograaaaammmmm!" As part of the enthusiastic finale, Doofenshmirtz nocked the arrow and fired it in a random direction, finishing with his arms outstretched. The arrow ricocheted off the wall at just the right angle that on the rebound it sliced through the ropes that were holding Agent P aloft. He landed softly and leapt into action towards Doofenshmirtz, extending his leg for a powerful kick.

Doofenshmirtz watched in slow motion as the platypus flew through the air directly at him. He had no time to react. Then, at the last second, Agent P's foot veered to the right, kicking the arrow to knock it off its trajectory. After cutting the rope, it had reflected off the wall again to whistle right back at Doofenshmirtz, and Agent P had reacted just fast enough to intervene with the projectile. The arrow smashed sideways into the wall and fell harmlessly to the floor.

Doofenshmirtz was still incapable of processing events as they happened. By the time Agent P could hide the arrow somewhere safe, the bumbling evil scientist had already wandered halfway across the room. "My hair has frogs in it, where's some shampoo?" He heard him say.

Agent P considered his options. He could have returned home, his mission was finished. Doofenshmirtz had already destroyed his own Inator, which wasn't really evil to begin with. In this state, he was more of a danger to himself than to anyone else. But that was exactly why Agent P was still here. He may be his nemesis, but he couldn't let Doofenshmirtz hurt himself somehow while recovering from the painkillers. But as soon as the doctor was thinking clearly again, he was out.

It was like babysitting a child. In a montage of scenes, Agent P entertained Doofenshmirtz by playing hop-scotch, tying a towel around his neck like a cape, riding around in wheelchairs, painting, repeatedly flushing the toilet, and even jumping together on the bed; all the while not really listening to Doofenshmirtz jabber a continuous stream of nonsensical commentary: "I love flapping, flapping flapping flapping. Carnivorous folding chairs, who knew? In presents I see my diaper rash, my kites, my yo-yos, my hernias. Hernias and hyenas. Hyenas and hernias. Stop being like a cat! Dirty pamphlet. Reminds me of camping. And flapping. Flapping flapping flapping. Salt and pepper and telescopes for you. And don't forget. Don't ever forget, cause my back breaks bread on Tuesdays. Bad guys buy sheep, too. That's why you plan for tomatoes when your schedule falters and the peanuts get dry cleaned. The Aglet König told me. Yep, plus there's always flapping. Flapping flapping!" Well, at least he's starting to use complete sentences.

"Googooba bookakah, reenuu deplukeshaw."

Scratch that last, Agent P thought to himself.

"Hurry up, Mom, you better be here quick!" Candace said to herself as she turned around the corner of the house to stand in the front yard. "We're really coming down to the wire, here!"

"I'm Lindana, and I wanna have fun! I'm Lindana, and I wanna have fun!" Linda sang aloud while she sat in the car with the radio blaring her old song, idling in traffic.

Cutting back to Candace, the teenager caught the beat and began singing. "I am Candace, and I just gotta bust! I am Candace, and I just gotta bust!"

Linda took over. "I'm not Roxanne, I'm not Eileen, I'm not Sharona!"

Candace sang the next line, dancing as she did so. "Bros drive me crazy, and I'm feelin' like a loner!" (sounds like lone-a)

"And I don't wanna study, work, or stay at home-a;" Linda continued.

"Just leave me brothers I can bust when Mom comes home-a!" Candace quipped.

The screen split down the middle, showing them singing together.

I'm Lindana, and I wanna have fun!
(I'm Candace, and I just gotta bust!)
I'm Lindana, and I wanna have fun!
(I'm Candace and I just gotta bust!)
I wanna-wanna-wanna-
(I gotta-gotta-gotta-)
Have fun fun fun!
(Just bust bust bust!)

"Ooh, my Break-the-fast-inator," Doofenshmirtz said, inspecting one of his old inventions. "Would you like some tea too, Mr. President?" With that, Doofenshmirtz poured a cup of tea and handed it to his Inator.

"But sir," Norm the robot insisted, "that's your Levitate-inator! You don't have a Break-the-fast-inator!"

It was too late. Doofenshmirtz attempted to balance the teacup on the tip-top of the machine, but it fell and splashed liquid all over, causing sparks to issue forth from the Inator. A laser shot off in a random direction just as there was an explosion, sending Doofenshmirtz hurtling through the air.

A small girl was playing outside with a stick, pretending it was a wand. "Abrakadabra! Alakazam!"

A few houses behind her, a giant trampoline tower ascended into the air, rising to meet the clouds. The girl turned to watch with wide eyes before running back inside shouting, "Mommy! Mommy! I did magic!"

After what felt like an eternity for Candace, Linda finally pulled up to the front of the house. Candace rushed up to open the door and assist her mother out of the vehicle and on a one-way trip to the backyard.

"Hurry, Mom, or it'll be gone!"

The two women stepped into the backyard to find nothing there. "So, what was I supposed to be looking for, again?" Linda paused to cross her arms.

"No, no, no! It's not possible!" Candace fell to her knees dramatically. "Why must this always happen to me?"

"Oh, you're right, Candace!" Her mother said sarcastically. "This grass looks like it needs mowing, your father will be so busted!" She smirked at her daughter and exited to grab her things out of the car.

"Man, jumping on trampolines sure is thirsty work," Phineas informed Ferb as at that moment they stepped through their sliding door into the backyard with glasses in hand. "Hey, where did our project go?"

"Maybe if you put those glasses on, you'll be able to see it," Candace said dejectedly.

"Huh?" Phineas said, not understanding.

"It was a play on words," Ferb clarified. "She meant glasses as in bifocals, when in reality our glasses are cups containing ice cold lemonade."

"Oh," Phineas said, comprehension dawning. "Who in their right mind would think of something like that?"

"I can only surmise," Ferb responded.

"I can't believe you sold all that stock to buy a trampoline business, and you didn't even buy any trampolines!" The nagging wife exclaimed while her Napoleon-sized husband slouched in front of her.

Just then, a plethora of trampolines fell in bunches all around the couple, landing in perfect stacks to the left and right of them.

"I have dreams, you know," the husband responded in his nasally voice.

Agent P stood over his nemesis, waiting for him to regain consciousness. Slowly, Doofenshmirtz came to and sat up. "The square of the hypotenuse equals the sum of the squares of the two remaining sides," he chanted, rubbing his head. "Hey! I think I'm feeling better again!"

Agent P gave the evil scientist the thumbs up. "Oh, great, now I've got this weird feeling in my mouth where my missing teeth are, like the gaps are really big holes in my mouth." Suddenly, Doofenshmirtz remembered everything that had happened while he was induced, and felt a little embarrassment. "Perry the Platypus, I'm sure that, with you being a good guy and all, you'll keep all that stuff I did earlier just between you and me, right?" He sheepishly asked the secret agent.

Agent P smiled and patted his nemesis on the back. "Thank you, Perry the Platypus. Thank you."

Later that day while the credits roll…

All the agents had gathered with the Major and Carl to watch the film recorded by Agent P's hidden camera stored in his fedora. While the clips of Doofenshmirtz high on funny gas rolled, the entire agency rolled in laughter right along with it. All the strange and wacky things he did and said provided the perfect de-stressing session following a hard day's work fighting evil. In between fits of laughter, Monty bent down and whispered in Agent P's ear, "Hey, do you think I could get a copy of this? I gotta show this to Vanessa!"

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this, you might consider checking out some of my other stories. I especially recommend Phineas and the Beanstalk, another one-shot written like a real episode, and Can Summer Last Forever?, which tells the story of the last day of the kids' summer. It's the EPIC would-be finale to the show. Both of them are really good, if I do say so myself! Thanks again!