Sequel to And Sometimes You Close Your Eyes. I would say you probably have to read it for this make sense

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...

Levi grunted as his foot skidded across the floor, the full force of his sparring partner hitting him made him wobble but it was not enough to send him to the ground. It never was.

"Give it up." Levi laughed as Eren tried to swing his foot out to catch the back of Levi's ankles. He failed spectacularly again.

"No." He shook his head, taking a step back to think of a new attack. "I will get you this time."

Levi rolled his eyes but let the other man think up tactics in his head all the same, they went through this every few months. Whenever Levi was going outside the walls, Eren would appear and beg to practise sparring. In a strange way it released all the tension and fear they both had, but deep-down Levi knew it wasn't the healthiest of ways to do so. Especially as the kicks and hits became more than just playful, Levi knew it was more than just worry Eren was working through.

Just as Levi predicted, Eren began kicking with very little finesse or skill, making the blows very easy for him to dodge.

"Stay focused." Levi coached. "You're not thinking. What is your opponent's weakness? Use it against them."

Eren growled and began throwing punches, how he thought this would work better Levi wasn't sure but he went through the motions of avoidance anyway.

Finally growing bored, Levi grabbed one of his fists and twisted it behind Eren's back, trapping him and stopping the pointless attacks.

"How are you so good at this?" Eren asked through gritted teeth.

"I've been doing man to man combat since before you shot out your Dad's cock." He joked.

"For one so small, you're very smug." He smirked. Levi blanched slightly at the comment, Eren often got irritated when he didn't win but he never insulted Levi.

Using his confusion to his advantage, Eren reached behind him with his spare hand and grabbed Levi. He barely had time to react to the move before he was being pulled around Eren and thrown the floor, the younger man climbing on top to hold him in place.

"You need to stay focused, Corporal." Eren teased, squeezing both the wrists he had pinned to the ground.

"Fuck off." He hissed, fighting the restraints to no avail. "You played dirty."

"Know your partners weaknesses and use it again them." He grinned in victory.

"Alright, you win." Levi reluctantly laughed, the little brat had vested him. "Now let me up."

"Nope."

"Why not?" He frowned.

"Because then I couldn't do this." Eren said, before leaning down and kissing Levi.

Levi moaned at the familiar feeling of Eren's lips, it didn't matter how many times he got to kiss and touch the other man he still adored the feeling. Being with Eren always felt like a first, it was always exciting and sent sparks coursing through his whole body. He wasn't sure what he did to deserve such an incredible lover but he was thankful for it each and every day.

"I love you." Eren whispered against his lips.

"I know." He replied, chasing those slowly retreating lips.

"And you?" He frowned.

"I can't say it, not now. It wouldn't be fair." Levi admitted, already missing Eren's warmth as he climbed off him.

"Yes, it would!" He exclaimed in disbelief as Levi sat up too. "I don't care if you say it and then we die hours later, it wouldn't matter. I just want to know that you feel it. It would be worse to never know, to lose you and never know how you really felt about me."

"But you do know." He groaned, how they could have the same argument over and over always confused him. "They're only words after all, you know how I feel."

"No, I don't." He shouted. "I assume and I fool myself into thinking I'm right but I'm sick of it. I know it's hard for you but stop leaving me outside. If you don't feel it then that's fine but just fucking tell me, I'm fed up of this weird, allusive act you've got. We've been together two years now, I deserve the truth."

Levi blinked at the outburst, he knew he felt it, he knew he loved Eren but the words scared him. Once they were said they could never be taken back, another kink to add to his armour.

"Love is not a weakness." Eren mumbled, almost reading his mind. "It's a strength, together we are something special not something to be scoffed at."

Levi ran his fingers through his hair, it was easy for Eren. He was so open with his feelings, he wore his heart on his sleeve for the world to see. He didn't care who read his emotions, he showed them with pride. It was a strength Levi craved but didn't seem to have but Eren deserved the truth, deserved the same devotion in return for all he gave.

"Jesus, I love you brat." Levi admitted, an invisible weight lifted off his shoulders. "I love you so fucking much but I don't deserve to."

Eren smiled wide at the words, tears building in his eyes that he would furiously deny as he threw himself at Levi. Kissing him anywhere he could find his skin.

"You do deserve me." He promised through the kisses. "You will always deserve me."

"And I will always love you." He smiled, the words coming easier now.

"Then why did you leave me?" Eren asked, voice suddenly cold.

"What?" Levi frowned. "I didn't."

Suddenly the moment had changed, no longer on the grass outside the castle but next to a car. Eren's clothes changed, jeans and hoodie replaced what had once been his uniform, his face the same but his eyes hollow.

"You promised me Levi." He said. "You promised to love me in every lifetime."

"I will, I do." Levi swore, his voice sounding younger somehow.

"You've left me Levi." Eren screamed. "You left me."

…

Levi woke up panting, a cold sweat dripping down his back as he sat up in bed. He took a deep breath as he set his head in his hand, he was at home he reminded himself, he was in his bed.

"Fucking dreams." Levi muttered to himself, getting a soft mewl from his cat Titan, obviously struggling to sleep through all the movement.

He mindlessly ran his fingers over his black coat, the purr relaxing him as his mind still recalled the hazy memories of his dreams.

Levi hated the dreams, a strange memory that would never leave him but he knew he was too old to believe in such a fantasy. He was in his twenties now, older, mature. Not the naïve little boy who believed in the walls, who believed the tainted words his babysitter had once told him.

"Levi?" Petra yawned, finally noticing her boyfriend sat up and breathing heavily in their bed.

"I'm fine." He croaked.

"Dreams again?" She asked.

"Yeah." He nodded.

"Come here." She smiled, holding her arms open.

Without hesitation he curled into her hold, resting his head against her chest, listening to her soft heartbeat. He felt like a child again, afraid of his own imagination. Flashes of the dream refusing to leave his mind. Those hollow, dark eyes teasing him, mocking him for an obsession with a man he should have forgotten by now.

"Eren again?" Petra asked into the darkness.

"Yeah." He agreed.

Petra knew all about Eren, all about the man he had been in reality but she didn't know about the version of Eren Levi dreamed off. He kept that secret, he didn't want the world to taint what had been, the Eren that loved and cared for Levi so purely that it was impossible to believe they were the same person.

But they weren't, were they? His Eren was make-believe, he was something his confused and ruined mind created when he was younger to deal with the abuse he was going through. Yet, even as an adult he held onto his version of the truth, he still held onto Eren.

"Why didn't your mother ever press charges?" Petra said conversationally, as if they weren't discussing sexual abuse.

"She knew I would never speak out against him." He admitted, even now thinking of Eren as a sexual deviant was hard for him. "She tried to convince me to but I always refused."

"Oh." She said softly.

"At the time I loved him too much to think of what he'd done as wrong." He whispered, ashamed that even now a small, sick part of him still loved Eren.

"Have you considered talking to Hanji?" She asked, quickly changing the subject away from Eren.

"About what?" He frowned.

"Levi." Petra sighed. "Keeping all this stuff inside isn't healthy for you and the dreams are getting more frequent."

"I don't need anyone fucking digging through my mind, especially not Hanji." He scoffed.

"Just try once." She pleaded, running her fingers through his hair in a gesture that always relaxed Levi and made him particularly agreeable.

"Petra." He warned, practically melting when her nails started to scratch his scalp.

"Please, for me." She whined.

"Fine." Levi relented. "Just once though."

"Thank you, Levi." She smiled, pressing a soft kiss onto his forehead, leaving her lips to linger on his slightly clammy skin. "Now try and get some sleep."

He nodded and desperately tried to fall back to sleep but all he could see was Eren, his smile, his kiss, his touch. All those fake memories of their past life always in his mind, refusing to leave.

Slowly Petra's hold around him loosened as she drifted off, her even breathing calming him while simultaneously making him jealous. He wished to be as carefree as her, he wished that his biggest problems were work related drama's that seemed insignificant next week, he wished dark eyes didn't haunt him night after night. He wished he didn't feel guilty for lying in bed with another woman when he had promised to always be by Eren's side, in this lifetime and the next.

Levi felt hot, his bed was overcrowded. Petra curled around his front while Titan curved against his back. And yet, he never felt more alone.

…

Levi lay uncomfortably on the sofa, he was told that this position was actually a myth created by TV and he was welcome to sit up but then he'd have to face her, then he'd have to look her in the eye as he spoke.

He couldn't believe he was really here, that the certificate hanging on the wall actually had the name Hanji Zoe written on it. How had the strange child, who used to eat sponges for dares, managed to get this life? An amazing boyfriend, a solid job and a mortgage on a house. While he, the boy who had been excelling in every subject, is barely able to hold down a job while living in a shitty apartment with a girlfriend who will only be able to tolerate his bullshit for a limited amount of time.

"Say something." Levi snapped, taking out his misplaced anger on his friend.

"I'm not here to talk, I'm here to listen." Hanji calmly replied.

"I'm not used to this, you're being too serious." He frowned finally looking over at her.

"I'm taking this seriously Levi." She smiled softly. "Any maybe afterwards when we leave I'll say something about your shoes against my leather sofa sounding like a fart every time you move. But for now, I'm here to listen."

Levi smiled back, finally relaxing for the first time since he walked into the room. Hanji was one of his oldest and dearest friends, she wouldn't judge him for what he said. She wanted to help him because she loved him, truly loved him. Not the strange, mixed up version of love he believed to be true in his head.

"I was apparently molested as a child." Levi said, dragging his gaze up to the ceiling again. He'd never actually said those words out loud before, he'd spoke of his relationship but he never implied it was wrong. He'd always held the memories through rose-tinted glasses but maybe it was time to let go.

"Why do you say apparently?" Hanji frowned.

"It didn't feel like that at the time." He shrugged, attempting for casual.

"Of course, it didn't, you were in a situation that had been manipulated out of your control. You would have…" She started.

"No, it wasn't like that." He cut her off. "I knew what I was doing, I wanted to do it. I used to push and push for things until he caved and gave me what I wanted."

"Things that he would have planted in your mind." She suppled for him.

"No." Levi shook his head.

"Then how else would you have known about them?" She asked. "He would have exposed you to those ideas, it is not something a ten-year old would think on their own."

Levi thought for a moment about the dreams, he always thought they were things his own subconscious had created, things that he had always desired himself deep down but maybe Hanji was right. Maybe Eren had planted the seeds of lust and waited for Levi to let them grow.

"Levi, I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to be honest." She said. "How do you feel about Eren?"

"I don't hate him if that's what you want me to say." Levi crossed his arms.

"I don't want you to say anything. I just need the truth." She calmly told him.

The question had Levi stumped, how did he really feel about Eren? He was angry with him, he was disgusted with him but that was because others told him he should feel that way. They told him that it was normal to hate him, but he didn't. Despite everything, despite what he was told to think and feel he just couldn't hate Eren.

"I know I should hate him." Levi confessed. "I know I should want to kill the bastard for fucking me up but I don't. I…"

"Levi, this is a safe place." Hanji reassured after a moment of silence. "Everything said will stay in these four walls, when we step through that door we will just be Hanji and Levi again and nothing from in here will be mentioned or judged."

"I still care about him. And I know it's ridiculous, it's been over ten years since I even saw him but I still love that freak who raped me. I still think about him every day. I still find myself counting down the days until we will be together again, as if he's going to appear and whisk me away to a better life. I know I only knew him for a year but I adored him, I felt like we'd know each other a life time, that we were destined to be lovers. And I know it's stupid and naïve to still think back on our time together like that but I do, the part of me that cares for Eren can't grow up and let go of the past. And every fucking day I miss him!" He cried, embarrassingly covering his face with his eyes.

"Levi." Hanji said softly.

"No, don't fucking say anything." He snapped. "I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to talk anymore."

"We don't have to Levi, if it makes you uncomfortable." She agreed.

"You can't make me stay here." He threatened, eyeing up the door from under his arm.

"I know, and I'm not. Even though you have an hour you're free to leave anytime you want."

"Good." He grumbled, but made no attempts to leave.

Instead he lay quietly, watching the clock count down the hour. Never speaking, Hanji never pushing him just giving him the quiet companionship he needed after his confession.

"Your hour is almost up." Hanji finally said.

"Right." Levi nods, his voice hoarse from his silent sobs.

"Same time next week?" She asked.

"Doubtful." He shook his head, finally sitting up. "It was Petra's idea to come."

"It's because she cares." Hanji smiled, we all care added as a silent after thought.

"Or because she's a busy body." He scoffed, his walls back up to avoid any more vulnerability.

"I know it's hard for you to trust her but Petra loves you." She told him, allowing personal life to interfere with their session for the first time.

"Lord knows why." He rolled his eyes, shrugging his jacket back on.

"Because you're a good man Levi, and you may think that you're not worth much but you are. What happened to you does not make you any less of person, any less of somebody to love." Hanji insisted. "And I need you to remember that."

"Thanks." He smiled softly. "I… care about Petra she just…"

She isn't Eren. The thought assaulted his mind before he had a chance to stop it, a cruel reminder that the man still owned him despite all these years.

"I know." Hanji nodded. "But in time we will get there."

Levi shrugged and walked out the door, barely making eye contact with anyone in the waiting room as he left. Not wanted to see their judging eyes, they would all know he was crazy, that he was fucked up in the head. They'd be speculating, what made him so special? Depression? Schizophrenia? OCD? Would any of them be able to work out the truth?

"Hanji." He shouted just as he reached the front entrance, the woman still stood at the reception desk.

"Yeah?" She replied, glancing up at her friend.

"Same time next week?" He repeated shyly.

"Of course." She nodded. "Just wear different shoes, yeah?"

Levi allowed himself a small laugh at her comment and wink before slipping out the door.

…

Levi strode across the car park, recognising the silver car waiting on the other side for him. He had told Petra he didn't need picking up, he was more than capable of walking home himself but he knew she'd ignore him.

In a way it was her way of checking he actually went and didn't spend the afternoon watching trashy TV. He tried his best to ignore that negative thought, to only think of it as his caring girlfriend being there for him but it was all he could hear now. He couldn't ignore the snide voice saying she wanted to change him, she couldn't truly love him until he was fixed.

Petra got out the car before Levi reached her, opening her arms as if she knew he'd broken down. As if she'd been a fly on the wall the whole time and was waiting to be the distraction he needed.

"Hey." He greeted, automatically returning the embrace and losing himself in her scent.

"Hey you." She whispered back.

At times like this he felt normal, all he thought about was Petra, her soft skin, her warm touch. It was as soon as he let her go the thoughts crept in, the horrible truth reared its head again.

"How did it go?" She asked, pulling back a little to see his face.

"Alright, I guess." He shrugged as she brushed his bangs out his eyes.

"Do you think it will help?"

"I don't know." He said but he knew it was a lie.

Despite the fact nothing had changed and he still felt exactly the same as when he walked in to Hanji's office saying the words helped. Somehow, admitting the truth out loud made it less scary, made him actually believe there was a chance to fix him.

"I'll probably go again though." He said casually, knowing the true weight behind his words.

"Good." She smiled, giving him a quick kiss. "Now let's head home and get some food."

"Takeaway?" Levi suggested, walking around the car.

"Sure, don't feel like cooking." She agreed.

Levi groaned as he caught sight of himself in the side mirror, his red rimmed eyes hardly subtle.

"Sorry." Levi mumbled, as if crying made him less of a person.

"You have nothing to apologise for." Petra reassured.

"It's a bit pathetic, isn't it?" He laughed bitterly, turning his attention to the cars driving around them.

Crying in her arms at night was one thing, he could pretend it was just sleep deprivation, that he wasn't in his right mind. But this he couldn't deny, couldn't pretend Eren didn't affect him like he was still a small boy.

"No it isn't. You are stronger for it, trust me." She shook her head, moving her hand from the gearstick to give his knee a light squeeze. "It will get easier to talk about him."

"I guess." He reluctantly agreed, reaching down to hold her hand.

"And in time you will be able to get past what that sicko did to you." She said bitterly, holding more anger towards Eren than Levi ever could.

Because Levi didn't want to get past Eren, he didn't want to forget him. He wanted to hold onto the love they had once shared for the rest of his life.

But he knew he couldn't, it was time to grow up.

…