RFSP episode 5

Cheaters Never Win

Synopsis: The boys begin to suspect that some of their parents and friends, both married and non-married, are cheating on their partners and spouses. When the boys discover a recently hacked website that exists for that purpose, they discover who in South Park has been using the website. Problem is, some of the leaked reports are fake while some are real. With people in South Park accusing people of cheating left and right, it's up to Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny to track down the origin of the website and put a stop to it.

Cheaters Never Win

Chapter 1-An unsettling discovery

A/N: Time for the next episode of RFSP! Yay!

The episodes of Rad Fanon South Park are likely going to vary in length instead of having a fixed length of some sort. Depending on how expansive I feel like the plot can get, some episodes may be longer or shorter than others. If one gets too long, I'll make it a multi-parter.

I have a few predictions about what recent news topics might be parodied in the upcoming Season 19 of South Park, and so this is my attempt at seeing if I can write a story spoofing one of the topics I have on my list of predictions and make it as South Park-y as I can. With that being said, I certainly hope you enjoy this!

"Kenny, are you alright dude?"

It was another Thursday morning in South Park and Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny were standing at their usual bus stop waiting for the bus to come pick them up. Kyle had noticed that Kenny looked a bit anxious about something and so he asked him if there was anything wrong.

("No, no…everything's fine.") Kenny muffled a response through his parka.

Kyle raised an eyebrow, a little unsatisfied with Kenny's answer. He could tell that something was bothering Kenny and he wanted to see if he could help.

"Dude, it's OK. If something's bothering you, you can tell us." Kyle glanced over at Cartman. "Well, provided fat ass' ears are plugged first."

"Can it Jew!"

Kenny sighed and elaborated on his problem.

("Well it's just that…I feel like my mom's been…having an affair.")

"Poor boy, your parents are poor as shit alcoholics! I'm surprised they didn't do that YEARS ago!" Cartman replied before receiving a sharp elbow punch from Kyle.

"What makes you think she's having an affair dude?" Kyle asked after he was done physically scolding Cartman.

("My dad was out somewhere late the other night. I woke up in the middle of the night to soft moans and so I peeked inside my parent's room. And it looked like some random dude was banging my mom.")

"Kenny, you're the most perverted person we know, and you're concerned about whose banging who?" Cartman told him, earning him yet another fierce elbow punch from Kyle.

("Oh fuck you Cartman, at least my mom doesn't screw everyone she sees!")

"Ey!"

Stan began to recall the time a few years ago when Kyle thought his parents had an affair.

"Hmm…does anybody remember the time Kyle thought his mom had an affair with the UPS man? And how it just turned out to be his parent's roleplaying?"

"Oh yeah…I do remember that." Kyle recalled.

"Who knows dude?" Stan tried to reassure Kenny. "Maybe it was just your dad in a costume or something."

The bus finally showed up a few minutes later and the boys arrived at South Park Elementary a few minutes after that.

"Hello there children!" Chef greeted the four boys as they went up to get their lunch. "How's it going?"

("Bad.")

"Why bad?"

"Kenny thinks his mom's having an affair." Stan answered for him.

"Kenny are you sure about that?" Chef asked Kenny.

("I'm pretty sure whoever was in bed with my mom the other night was not my dad. My dad wasn't in the house at that moment anyways! What should I do Chef?")

"Hmm…well the only thing I can really suggest is for you to confront her about the issue." Chef answered. "Just ask her if she's been…doing anything different or something. Now move along children, you're holding up the line."

The boys went over to their table and sat down with Butters, Craig, Jimmy, and the others. The group was pretty silent for some reason, until Stan noticed a kid that looked younger than them, leaving the cafeteria looking pretty upset about something.

"What's up with that guy?" Stan asked the group.

"You didn't hear?" Butters answered. "That's Earl Davis, a 3rd grader. Apparently his girlfriend found some picture on some website that showed him kissing some other girl, so she broke up with him this morning. He's not taking it real well and he swore he never kissed anyone else!"

Kenny dropped his fork on his tray when he heard that. Butters' story…sounded a bit similar to the problem he was facing.

("Two possible cases of cheating in one day? What's going on?") Kenny wondered to himself. It was South Park after all, and Kenny suspected something might be up.

("Well that's kind of…odd timing.") Kenny said aloud.

"What d-d-d-do you mean?" Jimmy asked.

("Last night…when my dad was out…I could swear I saw another man and my mom having their way with each other!")

"That is kind of rather odd timing…." Stan pondered. "Butters, you say Earl never kissed another girl?"

"That's what I heard!"

"You guys are such dumb asses." Cartman replied. "If you get caught doing something like that, of course you're going to deny having done it!"

Kenny's phone vibrated a few seconds later, indicating Kenny had received a new unread text message. Kenny pulled out his phone to read it.

("Well whatever we might do about it, count me out for today. Dylan just asked me to go over to Nexton and help him with something after school.")

"Perfect!" Kyle realized. "Just ask him dude! If anybody would know something about an issue like this, it'd be him!"

Kenny rolled his eyes. ("Dude, he's a CIA agent, not a stalker.")

"Still though, ask him if he knows anything."

"Well, uh, Kyle, I'm, uh, not really sure if we really need to raise an alarm or anything." Butters told Kyle. "I mean, this is only two separate cases fellas."

"Well I'm at least going to ask this Earl kid for the whole story." Stan replied. "I've got a hunch something's going on."

After school let out, Stan looked around for a bit and finally found Earl Davis.

"Hey kid, wait up!" Stan called after him. Earl briefly stopped to turn around to see who called him. Stan walked up to him and began his investigation.

"Are you Earl Davis?"

"Yes, why? Is it about my breakup with Emilia this morning?"

"Erm…yeah. I just uh…wanted to know your…thoughts on it that's all."

Earl raised an eyebrow in suspicion. "And why do you want to know exactly?"

"Didn't you deny cheating on Emilia?"

"Yes, but she wouldn't believe me. She left the scene and said that we're through. She broke up with me and…it hurt." Earl's face dropped as the sadness he had felt earlier was beginning to return.

"But where do you think she got that photo of you with this alleged other girl from?"

"How the hell should I know!?" Earl replied. "She just said that she found my account that she thinks I have on some website-."

"Website?"

"Yeah! She claimed she got that stupid picture off of my supposed account I have on some website called Ashley Jr!"

"Ashley Jr? What the hell is that?"

"Beats me! Feel free to take a look at it I guess."

It was after school when Stan dragged Kyle to his house and upstairs to his room and over to the computer to check out the website Earl had mentioned. Kyle wasn't quite sure why Stan was getting so wrapped up in this topic.

"Why exactly do you want me to be a part of this investigation?" Kyle asked. Stan just shrugged his shoulders and opened up the Internet browser and began searching for Ashley Jr.

"Really Stan, I don't think this is really something to be poking our noses in or anything."

"Why not?"

"You know…privacy and shit. If Kenny's mom is really having an affair, then that's a private matter with Kenny's family."

"Oh is it? Well for the record Kyle, you were the one who was probing him about it."

"I was not probing! I was just telling him that if he has a secret or something, it'd be safe with us!"

Stan just rolled his eyes as he continued searching for the website. A few seconds later, Stan and Kyle were gazing at the homepage of Ashley Jr. The website's slogan "Life isn't long enough, so cheat." was listed below the website's logo.

"What kind of slogan is that!?" Stan asked surprisingly.

Stan continued to scroll through the website with Kyle watching. Eventually he found the "About" page and clicked on it.

"About us." Kyle began to read aloud. "We are a website dedicated to the practice of cheating…on one's romantic partners!?"

"Dude! What the fuck!?" Stan replied. "What kind of person would make that a service!? How long has this thing been up!?" Stan asked as he scrolled to the bottom of the page, only to gain a puzzled look on his face. "It says here the website's only been up for two years! And yet it somehow has millions and millions of users!"

"Millions!? A website like this got that many users in that short time period!?"

Stan got out of the chair and walked a few steps away, his face awash with shock and disbelief. "Dude…I don't get it…why would anybody want to exploit people's desire for dishonestly like that?"

Kyle snapped his fingers, having thought of an idea. He got on the computer and began a search on the website's internal search engine.

"What are you doing?" Stan asked once he walked back over.

"I'm seeing if Kenny's mom has an account on here. If she does, then that means Kenny's suspicions are correct!"

A few minutes of searching later, and Kyle hadn't found anything. Stan then suggested they should look and see if there was an account under Earl Davis, the kid he had talked to earlier. A few seconds later, the boys had located a profile under the name of "Earl_Davis12"

"So this is the kid that Butters was talking about?" Kyle asked.

"Yeah it is. I talked to him earlier and he swore that he had never heard of this website before, but that his girlfriend had found a picture of him on it."

Kyle scrolled down to a section on the profile labeled "Interacted with"

"Looks like this is a list of the users he's met with offline." Stan pointed out. Kyle clicked on it and pulled up a list of usernames with the zip codes of where they lived below each name.

"Well this is strange." Kyle remarked.

"How?"

"There's a zip code listed under each person on this list. It's the zip code for where each user lives."

"So?"

"Look at the codes themselves dude!"

"Stan glanced at the list. "What's strange about that? South Park's zip code is what's listed for about 80 percent of the people on this list-oh my God…."

"There's no doubt about it Stan." Kyle concluded. "It seems like South Park may have a loyalty problem!"

"Hey look!" Stan pointed at a few select users on the list. "If these other zip codes are correct, Earl Davis has met with people not only from South Park, but people from Kentucky, Maine, and Arkansas too!"

"Kentucky, Maine, and Arkansas?" Kyle wondered aloud. "But why would somebody from Colorado want to cheat on their girlfriend with somebody from the other side of the country? That doesn't make any sense!"

"Either way, I suppose that Earl was lying…he does have an ashleyjr account."

"Should we tell him we found it?"

Stan once again donned a look of confusion and puzzlement. "Wait, hold on a second…the only way that Emilia would've known that Earl had an account…was if she went on the site herself!"

"That could be." Kyle agreed. "Or maybe somebody else gave her the picture and she did a search on Earl as a result."

"True."

"Well, whatever the case is, I think this is something I'd rather not get involved in. We should leave any further searching on Kenny's mom to Kenny."

"Good idea. I just hope this doesn't get out of hand."

As much as Stan didn't want to delve any further into this mystery, the fact that crazy shit happens to him all the time forced him to resume his investigation.

Stan was getting stuff out of his locker at school the next morning when Bebe walked up to him looking quite pissed off.

"Am I a joke to you Stan!?"

Stan turned around to face her, confused as to what she could be mad about.

"Excuse me?"

"Do you care to explain THIS!?" She yelled as she shoved a piece of paper in his face. Stan took it and read it over…and couldn't believe his eyes. It was a printed version of an Ashley Jr. profile…with his name and picture on it!

A/N: Kind of short I know, but hopefully I can still make this plot work somehow.

And as a disclaimer, I do not endorse acts of adultery or any kind of cheating on romantic partners/spouses. This story is purely for amusement purposes only.

I'm not sure how many chapters this story will have, but I'm guaranteeing you at least 3. I was originally going to have this done by the 16th to see if I could beat the show to a story spoofing the Ashley Madison hack, but that would require me rushing this a bit, and I'd rather take my time and make a good story then rush it and have it be all sloppy.

But anyways, please let me know what you think of the story so far by leaving a review! :)