This is where I'm going to dump all my old fics which were never continued and most probably never will be. I put them up for adoption a few months back but nothing came of it... SO here they are - for people to enjoy as they will :)

This one I wrote Christmas... 2010? So a little out of season but oh well.

Cheers!

Disclaimer - I've said it time and time again! No.1 would have died within his first few sentences.

Gift-Wrapped

Chapter One – In Which Christmas Gets Off To A Lively Start

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a
creature was stirring but a boy and an elf...

'Gods it's nice to have you back.'

Artemis smiled. 'It is nice to be back. Being lost within one's own
mind is an experience I never wish to repeat.'

'I'll bet.'

Holly sat up and poked at a bauble dangling from the bed-canopy. It
was one of the many festive trinkets that Angeline Fowl had attached
to her son's furniture either by tape, blue tack or in some cases,
rivets. His third desk had been replaced by a seven-foot pine tree
and his book case now housed several, football-sized, snow-globes.

'Your mum sure knows how to decorate a place.'

'Hmm,' agreed Artemis, folding his arms behind his head. 'She has
always strived to make things appear as perfect as possible.'

Holly looked back at the boy stretched out amongst the pillows. 'So
tomorrow's Christmas right? What will you do for it?'

'I'm not quite sure. Mother will presumably try to make it as
traditional a day as possible what with the twins being so young. We
will probably open presents, pull crackers, eat turkey, burn logs...'

'Just a typical mud-man Christmas then?'

Artemis sighed and closed his eyes. 'Indeed.'

Holly lay back again, settling herself comfortably beside her old
friend. 'And is that okay?'

'It's perfect.'

She glanced at him.

'Really?'

Artemis nodded. 'Certainly. I have realised Holly, at long last, that
this is all I want. No vendettas, no plots, no more eager hunts or
sprints into the dangerous unknown.'

Holly felt something press gently to her hand and jumped. The teenager
had rolled to face her with soft eyes and a peaceful smile.

'I am tired,' he said, and you could hear his exhaustion rasp in every
syllable. 'I have had enough. Tomorrow I will begin the life I should
have seized many years ago. I will join my family at long last and
give them the son and brother they deserve, not the deplorable
creature I have thus far been inflicting upon them.'

The elf's mouth dropped open. Artemis laughed at her expression and
for once it sounded easy, natural.

He lay back on his arms again. 'Don't be so surprised Holly, you know
this has been coming...'

'Well, well, yes,' she stuttered, a grin beginning to break its way
through her shock. 'But I never thought it would actually happen! My
Gods! Artemis Fowl, finally giving up the game.'

'Butler's delighted,' noted Artemis. 'He says he'll have more time for
the garden now I won't be doing things that might get it blown up.'

Holly cackled deliciously. 'I could picture him at that, in a sunhat
and dungarees.'

The teenager grinned. 'What do you think I've got him for Christmas?'

They laughed together at that, long and hard, picturing the Eurasian
manservant in a variety of kitsch garden wear. Eventually, Holly let
out a long sigh and one, final giggle before sitting up.

'I'm happy for you,' she said, looking at the flushed teen on the bed
behind her. 'Really I am. It's good to see you content for once.'

Artemis sat up beside her. 'We'll both need to make
a more concentrated effort to keep in touch now, and not just rely on
the next disaster.'

'Definitely. Gods, imagine that! A normal meeting. You've never seen
me off duty have you? Not once.'

He shook his head. 'Though I live for the day.'

They looked at each other for a moment, sat side by side on the
antique quilting, snow-flakes blustering against the windows.

'Well,' sighed Holly. 'I'd better get going or Trouble will think
you've kidnapped me... again.'

Artemis grimaced. 'Did you have to bring that up?'

'It was a joke, Arty,' she laughed, getting up and giving him a gentle
thwack to the upper-arm. 'Tell your face.'

He reached over and collected her helmet from the nearby locker.

'Until the next time then,' he said, holding it out to her.

Holly finished securing the last clip of her wing rig and accepted the
helmet, slipping it over her ears and flicking the visor up to keep
her face in view. She nodded.

'Until the next time.'

They hugged, tightly and warmly.

'Don't leave it too long now,' warned Holly, with her arms still
wrapped around his neck. 'I don't want to call you in ten years time
and find you've forgotten all about me.'

Artemis shook his head gently, his cheek rocking against hers. 'You
know that's never going to happen.'

She smiled sadly and made for the window, undoing the latch and
flinging it wide.

'Take care, Arty!' she shouted, struggling to be heard above the roar
of the wind. 'And Happy Christmas!'

She turned away, bunched her legs beneath her and shot straight into
the December night. Artemis hurried to the window.

'Merry Christmas!' he called after her, just managing to catch a last
glimpse of a pair of boots as Holly Short shimmered out of sight.

Descant Brill had never been the most balanced of people, physically
or mentally. This was a handy quality to have when it came to working
for someone like Opal Koboi, but definitely a hindrance when it came
to not tripping up on Georgian shag carpeting.

'Oof!'

His twin whipped around.

'Shhhhhh!' he hissed. 'You wanna wake the whole house?'

Descant grimaced and rubbed at his newly bruised knee. 'No.'

'Well be careful then!'

'Well be careful then,' mimicked Descant, once his brother had turned
away. 'What do you think I'm being? Just because Mistress let you eat
the good cheese today...'

Mervall ignored him and continued to climb up the stairway, wary of
the hidden motion detectors that his stolen LEP helmet was usefully
pointing out to him.

'Is this the last thing on the list?'

Descant consulted the smudged script inked on the back of his hand.
'Yep,' he confirmed. 'We got all the rest. This is the last stop.'

Mervall sighed warily. 'Extrilliant. We can grab this one and be back
to the lab by midnight.'

He clambered up the last step and pulled his brother up after him,
scampering along the new landing. Oil-painted portraits glared down at
their progress, their dead eyes glittering strangely. Descant
shivered.

'This is so creepy,' he whispered. 'It's like they know what we're about to do.'

Mervall rolled his eyes. 'Pull it toget-'

'Santa?'

Both brothers yelped and jumped in the air. Stood not two metres away
was a human child, pyjama-clad and tired-eyed.

'Is that you Santa Claus?' yawned Beckett Fowl. 'Why're you s'small?'

The two pixies looked at each other.

'Well-' began Mervall.

'You see-' attempted Descant.

'That,' spoke another voice, 'is definitely not Father Christmas.'

The brothers yelped again as yet another child appeared from behind
the first, his expression decidedly more alert.

'If you observe closely, brother,' continued Myles Fowl
matter-of-factly, 'you will notice the distinct lack of facial hair
and general rotundness. They also appear neither jolly nor kindly, and
are unburdened by the customary sack of presents. In fact,' the child
jabbed an accusing finger at the large bag trailing over Descant's
shoulder, 'their sack appears to be completely empty!'

'Then who are they?' whispered Beckett, looking to the
brother who always had the answers to his questions.

Myles tapped thoughtfully at his chin, furrowing his tiny brow. 'I
would surmise that they are elves, Beckett, banished from their North
Pole workshop for naughtiness and enlisted by the Grinch to do his
dirty work and steal our presents!'

Beckett was scandalised. 'No!'

Descant shook his head violently. 'We're not elves!' he protested.
'We're pixies!'

'That's even worst!' thundered Beckett, with as much force as a three
year old can thunder. 'My Mum hatespixies!'

Mervall clapped a hand over his brother's mouth.

'You're right!' declared Mervall, staring into Beckett's eyes, his
voice now dripping with the hypnotic Mesmer. 'We're pixies, from the
North Pole, come to pay you a friendly visit!'

Beckett's enchanted eyes filled with tears.

'But we've been good all year!' he cried, voice cracking. 'You can't
steal our toys!'

Descant broke free of his brother's grip.

'We're not stealing your toys! We're stealing your-!'

Mervall clasped a hand back over his twin's mouth.

'Go back to bed,' he ordered, glancing between Myles and Beckett,
making sure they were both under his spell, 'and when you wake
tomorrow morning this will all have been a dream.'

Myles frowned. 'But-'

'A dream!' insisted Mervall, cascading his magic down on the little boy's head.

Myles' eyes glazed over again. 'A dream,' he nodded, tugging vaguely
at his twin's sleeve. 'Come on, Beckett. Sleep now. Dream. Pixies.'

Both henchmen watched tensely as the youngest Fowl's made their way
back inside their bedroom and closed the door softly behind them.
Mervall dropped Descant with a loud sigh.

'Come on,' he snapped, shoving him forward. 'Let's get this over with.
Before any more of them wake up!'

The two pixies hurried along the corridor, trying their best to keep
close to the shadows.

'Here,' panted Mervall, pointing to a doorway up ahead, 'He's in here.'

Descant nodded, reaching inside his belt and bringing out a battered
omnisensor. He pointed it at the security lock and it whirred softly,
working away. A normal omnisensor would have failed to release this
lock, but Descant's omnisensor was Opal-made. There was a steady
thunk from the door handle and Descant nodded; they were free to
enter.

The room was pitch-black inside but this was no problem for the twins
in their stolen LEP helmets. They manoeuvred round each piece of furniture
and occasional Angeline-placed reindeer to stealthily approach the
bed. There was a blanketed lump gathered at the very centre, curled up
and apparently fast asleep.

Mervall reached inside his pocket and pulled out a small atomiser,
stretching his hand up towards the pillows. Descant grabbed his wrist,
eyes wide.

'It's okay,' mouthed Mervall, nodding to the pill bottle on the
bedside cabinet. 'He's taken those sleeping tablets Argon always
prescribes.'

Descant nodded and warily released his grip, watching as his twin
turned again to his target. There was a stifled moan from the bed and
a tsunami of blankets suddenly rose up from the mattress, engulfing
Mervall in cream sheeting. The pixie closed his eyes tight, waiting
for the quilts to settle, and when they did, he slowly opened his
eyes... to find the Mud Boy's sleeping face barely an inch from his
own. Unsure of what else to do, Mervall simply froze and he felt his
brother impatiently tap at his back.

'Have you sprayed him yet?' hissed Descant.

The human's eyes snapped open, and focused straight in on Mervall's
terrified own.

Both pixie and teenager yelped, rearing backwards.

'Spray him!' yelled Descant. 'Quick!'

Mervall desperately pumped the device in his hand, praying that he'd
hit his target, but the human continued to move backwards, falling
with a tremendous thump off the far side of the bed.

Descant passed his brother and scrambled up onto the mattress, gazing
after the tumbled teenager.

The pixie grinned widely. 'He's out!' he called. 'Looks like you just
caught him.'

Mervall sighed with relief, joining his brother to look at the
unconscious human. His long, cotton-clad legs were still entangled
with his blankets and his pale arms were stretched out spread-eagled
on the carpet.

'Let's go,' panted Mervall, finally recovering his voice. 'We've got
to get him back to the house before mistress wakes for her morning
toe-massage.'

Opal Koboi had always liked the idea of Christmas. It was the one rare
thing she could actually admire the Mud Men for. All the greed, the
luxury, the indulgence, the chocolate; (Gods the chocolate!) it was a
wonderful idea; a fabulous idea! So this year she'd decided to have
one of her own. She'd compiled a list of things she wanted to be given
by her henchmen, some things unreasonable, some things impossible, but
all of them essential if Mervall and Descant ever wanted to feel their
limbs again. She'd granted them three days in which to collect
everything, after which they would have to promptly present them to
her. Gift-wrapped.

And so the morning of December 25th arrived and with it an exhausted
pair of pixie twins.

'Well?' demanded Opal, descending the stairs of her hi-jacked English
mansion (its previous owners lying mesmerised in the cellar). 'Where
are my presents?'

'Here, Your Most High Opal-ness!' gasped Mervall, careful to avoid
looking directly at his mistress. 'All here!'

Descant gestured floridly to the various boxes and packages piled up
around the hallway, also keeping his eyes to the flagstones.

'And did you get all that I asked for?'

The twins swallowed.

'We think so, your Liege-esty.'

She narrowed her eyes suspiciously and approached the first package.
It chirruped frantically. With one slash of her acrylic claws the
wrapping was ripped aside, revealing a small caged bird complete with
long, orange tail and scarlet crest.

Opal gasped delightedly. 'A Mexican plume-headed wagtail!'

Mervall smiled, sensing they were onto a winner. 'We thought that
Mistress could use its liver to boost the strength of her Mesmer.'

The she-pixie grinned evilly at the creature behind the bars. 'Yes.
Yes, he would be perfect.'

She clapped her hands excitedly and ripped open the next nearest
present; an oblong box tied with a thick pink ribbon. This time she
actually squealed.

'The new Jimmy Choo Edens!' She squealed, clutching at the shiny
leather platforms as if they were offspring she'd just saved from a
blaze. 'They are perfect!'

Mervall and Descant grinned at their employer, chests puffing with pride.

Opal noticed their open gazes.

'DON'T LOOK AT ME!'

Over the next three and a half hours Opal continued to slash her way
into every present. Most packages included shoes, more included rare
animals for her twisted magic-enhancing experiments, others were a
little more unusual, ('A chocolate truffle built in the shape of
Michael Jackson? You shouldn't have!') but every one was gratefully
received. After all, they were expected.

'Well!' demanded Opal round a mouthful of King-of-Pop delight. 'Is that it?'

Mervall shook his head frantically. 'Oh no, One Of The Most Beautiful
Aura of Wonderfulness! We have one more gift left to give!'

'Just one more?' she sulked, sat in the centre of a sea of wrapping
paper, all her new creatures roaring, barking, screeching and cooing
around her. 'It had better be a good one.'

'Oh it is!' assured Descant, backing hurriedly out of the room. 'It is!'

'Where is he going?'

'He's-'

'DON'T LOOK AT ME!'

Mervall clasped his eyes shut. 'My brother has just gone to fetch it,
Your Most Incandeliciousness. It was putting up quite a bit of a fight
earlier and we didn't want it to spoil you opening the first of your
presents.'

Descant reappeared pushing a massive bow-tied box on a trolley.

'Here it is,' he gasped. 'The last one.'

Opal stood slowly from the floor, her eyes wide.

'Give it to me.'

Mervall quickly hurried to his brother's side, helping to wheel the
trolley closer to their mistress. The giant present on top wiggled
precariously.

'Stop!' ordered Opal, and they did, instantly.

There was silence.

'Open it,' she whispered.

Descant and Mervall rushed to release the tie. The front face of the
box fell open.

'Oh,' gasped Opal, her tiny eyes actually filling with tears. 'It's
just what I wanted.'

For inside the box was Artemis Fowl, a thick ribbon wrapped around his
chest in order to hide the octobonds trussing his arms to his side. The
pixie approached him slowly, taking in the gagged mouth and the
ruffled pyjamas.

'Where did you get it?' she whispered.

Mervall licked his lips nervously. 'His house, Your Most Amazilicious.
We took him from his house.'

'You must have really struggled to find one like it.'

Descant frowned at his brother,

Has she gone mental?he mouthed.

Mervall swiftly elbowed him in the ribs.

'Oh-no!' he simpered as Descant wheezed beside him. 'It was no
struggle for you, Your One And Only. It was truly the most pleasant of
tasks because we were doing it for you!'

Opal smiled the most terrible of smiles.

'You have done well, boys,' she purred. 'Very well.'

Artemis glared out warily at the pixie as her eyes slowly raked the
entire length of his body.

'Mervall, Descant?' she called lightly.

'Yes, Your Gloriousness?' they chimed.

'Go and prepare my laboratory. I shall put this present straight to some use.'

So Opal was happy, her day had been made, for she'd issued her orders
and they were being obeyed. And she turned and exclaimed, as they
drove Artemis out of sight...

'Happy Christmas to all... and to all a good-night...'

No, Artemis has never had it particularly good in any of my fanfics.