Doctor House
(To the tune of "Maria" from Rodgers and Hammerstein's The Sound of Music.)
Scene: CUDDY, WILSON and the ORIGINAL FELLOWS discuss the matter of a certain misanthropic bastard.
CUDDY:
The day I've had! He drives me mad,
Although he's always right.
But his methods are immoral:
Each case incites a fight.
Okay, it saves the patient,
But there has to be some slight—
And on days when he's pissed off, it's a lawsuit!
He's never in the clinic!
WILSON:
Well, you know he hates it there.
CUDDY:
Doesn't respect authority!
CHASE:
But won't be made to care.
He's crazy, but he's brilliant—
CUDDY:
And he drives me to despair!
Some days I think the bastard should be fired!
CAMERON:
If I could say a word in his defense?
CUDDY (spoken, wearily):
If you absolutely must, Cameron.
CAMERON (sung):
His methods…make some…sense.
CUDDY:
How do you solve the problem of Doctor House?
WILSON:
How do you make him see he has to bend?
How do you describe a man like Doctor House?
FOREMAN:
A sociopath.
CAMERON:
Maladjusted.
CHASE:
A genius.
WILSON:
A friend.
Many a thing I've tried and tried to tell him—
Too often it's like speaking to a wall.
As he refuses to stay,
And listen to what I say,
Sometimes I'm so afraid that he will fall.
FOREMAN:
Oh, how do you solve the problem of Doctor House?
CUDDY:
How do you make him obey when you call?
WILSON:
When I'm with him I'm at ease:
Plan a prank or shoot the breeze,
It's the only time that I don't play a part.
CHASE:
Though I must admit in practice
He's as thorny as a cactus,
He's a mentor—
FOREMAN:
He's a menace!
CAMERON:
With a heart!
CUDDY:
Treats all his patients like crap,
Doesn't know to shut his trap!
He could bring this institution to its knees!
He's a madman—
CHASE:
He's a teacher!
CAMERON:
Misunderstood!
FOREMAN:
Wild creature!
WILSON:
Innovative!
CUDDY:
Anarchistic!
CAMERON:
Knows disease.
How do you solve the problem of Doctor House?
CHASE:
How can you reach the standards he demands?
FOREMAN:
How do you manage to work with Doctor House?
CAMERON:
Try to understand him.
CHASE:
Go along with all
His plans.
CUDDY:
Many a rule I'd love to make him follow:
His ethics need to be brought into line!
CHASE:
Learn how to choose when to fight.
WILSON:
And know when he's right, he's right.
(That doesn't mean all that he does is fine.)
Oh, how do you solve the problem of Doctor House?
ALL:
There is no single answer to assign!