Harley's Favor
"Oh, Mr. J! Oh, Mr. J, yes! Harder, Mr. J, harder! Oh, puddin'!"
Poison Ivy groaned, putting her pillow over her ears and trying to block out the noise. This was the third time tonight, and she'd lost count of the number of times this week. She had to hand it to the clown – he certainly had stamina. Astonishing virility in a man of his age. But that didn't make her having to suffer through hearing them any better.
The pillow didn't help – it barely muffled the noise. "Oh God, puddin'! Oh God, that's it! Oh, keep revving, Mr. J! Keep revving up your Harley! Oh, oh, oh, M…Mistah J!" came the scream, and then blessed silence. Ivy sighed in relief and shut her eyes, trying to get back to sleep. It was over.
"Oh, oh, oh, puddin'!"
Or maybe not. With a growl, Ivy turned over and banged on the wall. "Keep it down!" she shouted.
"S…sorry, Red, I…I…oh, Mr. J! Oh God, harder, puddin'!"
The clown was laughing. That was the only noise he ever made, but it changed in pitch and pace and tone sometimes. Harley was the vocal one, the extremely vocal one, and even though she was her best friend, Ivy would have been lying if she said right now she didn't want to put a bullet through her brain.
She sat up with an annoyed sigh. No sleep tonight, again, just like the past couple nights. This whole thing had been a bad idea – Harley's idea, naturally. Ivy had had her own hideout raided by Batman last week, and barely escaped being captured by him. Not knowing where else to go, she sought out her best friend, who offered that Ivy stay with them for a couple weeks until she found a new place and got herself sorted. "It'll be fun, Red!" she had exclaimed. "We can have sleepovers and do each other's nails and gossip while reading trashy magazines! Y'know, really fun, girly, best friend type stuff!"
It had sounded fun, so Ivy had agreed. She bitterly regretted that now. She had forgotten that whenever Joker was involved, Harley had no mind of her own. And probably just to spite her, every night since Ivy's arrival, Joker had needed Harley. All night. Nail painting and trashy magazines were out of the question.
"Puddin'!" shrieked Harley. "Oh, baby, oh God…oh…oh…oh, puddin'," she groaned.
Please let that be the end of it thought Ivy. Please God don't let them start again…
"Oh, Mr. J, you're a machine!" squealed Harley in delight. "Oh, Daddy, I've been such a bad, naughty girl! Punish me, Daddy! Harder, puddin'! Oh, God, Mr. J, you're so good! Oh, Mr. J!"
Ivy stormed out of her room and headed down the hall. Harley's voice carried a long way, and the only place where she seemed to be able to get away from it was the kitchen. She entered, slamming the door shut behind her.
She made herself a cup of coffee (instant coffee, naturally, so no plants were harmed) and sat down at the table, head in her hands. Where else could she go? She wasn't on friendly terms with any of the other Gotham supervillains. Well, she was sure if she showed up on Harvey's doorstep, he wouldn't turn her away, depending on how the coin toss went, but how pathetic would that look? Crawling back to the ex. Her pride wouldn't allow her to do that.
But she wasn't sure how much longer she could put up with this. She was irritable from lack of sleep, she wasn't thinking straight, and there was no possibility of her getting herself back on her feet again if she couldn't even get a decent night's rest.
She looked around the kitchen, wondering if there was somewhere comfortable where she could curl up in here. At least it was quiet. Maybe if she brought some blankets and a pillow over to the counter…
She started at a noise she hadn't been expecting. A repeated noise, that reached her even through the closed door. What was it? It sounded like…a whoopie cushion.
Ivy groaned again as the noise continued, burying her face in her arms on the table. That bastard. That evil bastard. He probably thought this was all really funny. Well, she'd show him. She began thinking of all the horrible ways she would torture him before she finally allowed him to die. The thoughts soothed her despite the noise, and she dropped off to sleep with a serene smile on her lips.