IF I HAD YOU
Disclaimer: Glee belongs to Ian Brennan, Ryan Murphy, Brad Falchuk, etc. I don't own any part of it. There are a few obvious dialogues I've borrowed from the show itself, so please treat it as homage and not something to sue me over. I have no money people!
A/N: I realize there is a snowball's chance in hell that I could ever be a writer on the show. Therefore, I'm writing out my fantasies purely "for your entertainment" and mine :-) I don't have a beta either, so all mistakes are mine. Enjoy Gleeks, this is for you!
Summary: Set partially during Theatricality, but a little bit AU. Kurt realizes that his dad's happiness is more important to him than his pride and decides to find a way to make Finn and Carole part of their family again. To do that, he needs Puck's help. Puck + Hummel = Pummel. Slash!
Chapter 1: New Directions – Part I
Hummel Residence, Monday, 8:30am
Adam Lambert's "For Your Entertainment" blasted through the speakers as Kurt pulled out of his driveway, heading to school in a better mood than he'd been in over a week. The whole drama with Finn and his dad had affected him more than he let on, because as much as he'd been hurt by Finn's thoughtless remarks, he was equally crushed to see his dad lose a potential relationship with another person.
Burt Hummel was the epitome of a family man, even though his family only consisted of himself and his son, and he was never one to make friends easily. But, once he let someone into his heart, he would do anything for them. To see him give up on a relationship with a boy, whom Kurt knew meant something to his dad, as well as to watch him risk his love for another woman, left Kurt feeling overwhelmed.
He never really appreciated how much love and affection he had grown up with until his dad had proved it to him beyond doubt without even trying. Kurt felt like a heel just thinking about how much he had doubted his dad's love for him, even though Burt had started to hang out with Finn only to help the other boy adjust to having a father figure.
They say hindsight is 20/20 and Kurt was beginning to feel its sting. Well, there wasn't much he could do about it except work to salvage the situation. He had woken up this morning, bright and early to begin his skin care regime, when it had smacked him right in the middle of moisturizing.
He had to stop moping and start being pro-active if he was going to bridge the gap between his dad and Finn. He was still a little mad at the jock, but he couldn't dump all the blame on the guy because Finn was still a teenage boy after all. Kurt's intense attitude could be overwhelming to anyone, especially to a very straight teenage boy who was still insecure about everything from his relationship with his mother to his relationship with a crush.
Even Kurt, and he would only admit to this in the privacy of his mind, had some growing up to do. It was unfair of him to hold his dad back from having something he wanted, when he had given so much of himself to raise Kurt. So Kurt's new mission was to bring together the family his father had once pictured for them.
Now, if he could get Adam Lambert to personally serenade him, his life would be perfect.
What? A boy can dream, can't he?
WMHS, Monday, 8:45am
The sun was shining, summer was near, the nerds cowered before him, and once again all was right with the world. Noah "Puck" Puckerman liked chaos as much as the next guy, but only if it was caused by him.
Puck shut the door on his beat up old truck and proceeded to walk towards the school and past the dumpsters.
"Hey guys, look, it's Hummel!" Karofsky and his band of goons were on the other side of the dumpster, probably waiting to ambush the gay kid.
"Yo, Karofsky! Lay off, will ya? Regionals are coming up and we need Hummel in one piece." Puck walked up to intercept his team mates before Kurt made it out of his car. "Besides, I heard Coach Tanaka talking about bribing the kid into playing for us again."
"Whatever Puckerman, it's not football season yet and I don't care about your joint Homo-Explosion!" Karofsky sneered as he made to approach the gay kid again.
Azimio held back when he saw that Puck wasn't going to stop them a second time.
"Dave, wait up! Puck, man, you sure?"
Both Puck and Karofsky raised their eyebrows in surprise before Puck affirmed with a nod.
"I really need a football scholarship man, and next year is our Senior year. Last chance and everything. You think he'll go for it?"
Puck shrugged as he looked back at his team mates, who seemed to be thinking the same thing. Sure, the kid was as queer as a three dollar bill, but he did win them a game. The only game they had ever won. Besides, they had other nerds to torment to amuse themselves. If they could get something from Hummel in return for not bullying him, they wouldn't mind it so much.
"If we promise to lay off the slushie facials and dumpster dives, he could possibly go for it."
"Oh come on, you pussies! I'd rather threaten him than ask Princess Kurtsie over there to play on our team. I bet he'll enjoy playing for our team too." Karofsky sniggered cruelly with a couple of other jocks as they watched Kurt and Mercedes gossiping near the brunette's car.
"Karofsky, now I know you've never had sex in your life if you think that's a good way of getting a girl to do what you want."
The group of jocks snickered as Karofsky turned red from embarrassment.
"Kurt's as good as a girl. And I know a thing or two about girls," Puck smirked at the other guys as they all sniggered over Puck's infamous sex life, "If you want him to go along with what you want, you gotta treat him with respect. Now, that doesn't mean you have to go all homo on him, just don't bully him."
Puck paused in his speech to glance at Kurt's Navigator. The smaller boy was now surrounded by Aretha, Goth Girl and Wheels as they looked to be discussing something, probably related to Glee club.
Azimio stared down Karofsky, until the other boy relented, "Fine! Jesus man, can we go get that Israel kid? He's fucking annoying!"
Puck watched as the rest of the jocks made themselves busy lining up the nerds for their morning dumpster dives.
Yup, all was right with the world.
Kurt watched out of the corner of his eye as Puck approached their little group.
"What's up Aretha, Wheels, Goth Girl?"
All three turned away from Kurt to see Puck casually walk up to the group and stop just before them.
"If you even think about calling me something other than Hummel, or Kurt, I'll—"
"Relax Princess. I know what you're worried about and don't be. Puckasaurus took care of it for you," Puck laughed at Kurt's expression as the other boy fumed with indignation.
"I was not worried! Did those goons go for it, or what? It was my plan after all. I knew it would work."
Kurt sniffed and affected a superior expression, but something told him that the other boy didn't buy it for a second.
"Yeah, they went for it. I have no idea how you found out about Azimio having money problems at home, but the second I mentioned football, he seemed to think scholarship. I didn't even have to lead him into it."
Puck shrugged before he realized that the other three were looking at him strangely, before turning to stare at Kurt.
Kurt huffed and proceeded to explain.
"Puck was over last week, picking up some stuff for Finn because he was too chicken to come back and get it himself." By now, everyone in Glee club was familiar with what had gone down at the Hummel residence regarding Finn's outburst. "I was pissed at the world in general and I was ready to take it out on anything that resembled a jock."
*Flashback*
"What do you want Puckerman?"
Puck would have laughed at Kurt's "Don't Mess With Me White-Boy" expression, borrowed from Aretha herself, but he valued his life. Even if Kurt, in a bathrobe and a head band, was making him itch to do something he would probably regret doing. Probably, because it was a weekend and he knew Hummel Sr. was most likely around and he really didn't want any shot guns pointed his way, but he was still Puckzilla.
"Dude, I'm just here to grab Finn's stuff and I'm gone. He said he left his mp3 player and some sneakers behind and they were brand new. Can I get in?"
Puck stood just outside the front door, while Kurt scowled at the slightly taller and muscular jock.
"No, you may not come in. If he wants his stuff back, he'll have to get it himself. I'm not touching it and I'm not letting you in either!"
Kurt made to shut the door before Puck manhandled the other boy into backing up as he bodily forced his way into the foyer before Kurt could push him back.
"Puck!" Kurt's outraged squeal rent the air before Puck's right hand quickly came up to cover his mouth. Kurt's hands securely trapped between their chests, the jock backed the smaller boy against the wall. He lightly squeezed the brunette's hip in warning before his harsh whisper reached Kurt's ears.
"Hummel, I don't have time for your diva shit right now. I've gotta get to work and Finn said he'll forgive me for the whole Babygate thing and never talk about it again if I did this for him. So, once again, where is Finn's stuff?"
Kurt shuddered at Puck's dangerous tone. He had no idea why the jock was whispering, but it was doing confusing things to his stomach, probably creating an ulcer as they spoke, before Kurt pulled himself together and pushed against the solid wall of muscle before him.
Puck relented by taking his hand away from Kurt's mouth to hear his response.
"Why do you even care, anyway? It's not like that's gonna help you get on Quinn's good side again. You know she's over you right? Once a Lima loser, always a Lima loser!"
It was Kurt's turn to whisper harshly to the older boy, wanting to cause as much misery as he possibly could while he had a human punching bag handy.
Kurt gasped in sudden pain as the hand, which was previously resting against his hip, inadvertently tightened in anger, probably leaving a bruise on his sensitive skin.
"Ow! That hurts, you Neanderthal!"
"Kurt, what's going on?"
The sudden interruption caused both boys to jump away from each other, as Burt Hummel walked into the foyer in search of his son. He'd heard the doorbell ring, and assumed that it was a friend of Kurt's but when he didn't hear the door shut, or anyone else come in, he'd become worried.
The older man kept an eye on the jock as he casually inquired, "New friend, Kurt?"
Before the smaller boy can out him as a bully, Puck jumped in with a quick explanation.
"Um, sir, Mr. Hummel, we're in Glee club together and we were on the same football team. I usually work every weekend, so I don't get to hang out much, that's why I haven't been able to come by for a visit. I only came today 'cause I have the day off."
All of that came out in a slightly nervous rush, but Puck managed to discreetly signal Kurt to go with his story by momentarily giving him "the look" once he was finished.
Kurt managed to get his mouth shut before he pulled together a smile for his dad, "Yeah dad, what he said. Well, we're off to go hang out. You know, play some video games and shoot the shit."
Kurt's slightly nervous laughter made Puck cringe inwardly as he followed the other boy further into his house.
As he made to pass by Hummel Sr. a hand shot out to grab his shoulder before he could make it any further.
"I didn't get your name."
Puck exhaled slightly with relief, "Puckerman. Noah Puckerman, sir."
Burt smiled a little at the respectful tone before he slapped Noah's shoulder in approval.
"Okay, go on then. Make sure you boys let me know if you need anything to eat. I was gonna order pizza for lunch in about an hour."
"Yes sir," Noah nodded and quickly caught up to Hummel as the boy made his way past the living room and into the basement.
He had barely made it down the stairs before Kurt burst out, "You're lucky I didn't say anything to my dad! What the hell was that?"
Noah slowly looked around the tastefully decorated room, whistling with approval. The walls were painted white and the furniture seemed manly enough. It even had a pretty sweet entertainment system set up against the back wall.
"I have no idea what Finn was complaining about. I thought it would be girly, with pink frills and stuff, but this place is pretty sweet. Well, besides that girly dresser with the huge mirror and that girly—"
Puck stopped in mid sentence as he finally saw Kurt's furious expression before the boy launched himself at the taller jock. Puck was surprised at the strength in the fire cracker. He thought Hummel was a definite fairy, but it felt like all those practices with the Cheerios had built his upper body strength. Still, Puck was slightly taller and more muscular than the counter-tenor, so he was able to catch the boy's flailing limbs before they could do any damage.
When Kurt found that his arms were restrained and his body easily pinned against the jock, his back to Puck's front, he began to struggle and curse. Kurt was never one to curse, but all the frustration and anger from the past week managed to boil over and he screamed to get it all out.
"Fuck you Puckerman! What did I ever do to you guys? Unlike Sandy Ryerson, I don't spend every minute of my day perving on your bodies. Not even in the showers after football practice! All I want to be is normal, it's not like I planned on being gay! Why do you guys always have to bring me down? I won't let you do this to me anymore. I'm a boy and I like other boys! Does that make you cringe Puckerman? Well, too bad! I hate you Puckerman! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!"
Kurt's body suddenly went limp, as all his energy left him at once, before he started sobbing uncontrollably.
Puck hated seeing chicks cry. This was worse. God, why did Hummel have to pull the water works on him? They looked real too, not fake like the one Santana sometimes tried on him to get him to go down on her.
Oh, shit, don't think about that now.
"Kurt!"
The sudden exclamation of his first name brought Kurt out of his misery as he looked up at Puck. He didn't know how they had got there, but Puck was currently cradling Kurt against him as they sat on the younger boy's couch.
"What? Why are you still here?" Kurt looked so tiny and confused, kind of like those hamsters his sister had, so Puck decided to take pity on the boy.
"Dude, I couldn't just let you break down and leave. Besides, you were clinging worse than a cougar."
Kurt suddenly realized that he was practically nestling against his arch enemy and pulled away from the older boy's loose embrace.
"Well, you can leave now. Finn's stuff is over in that corner. I wanted to burn it, but I didn't want to get my hands dirty. You can have it!"
Kurt furiously wiped away his tears, using a moist towelette that he picked up from his vanity, and now stood glaring at Puck.
"Whoa, so that's how fast you can get a stick up your ass? No wonder you're a pillow biter."
Kurt's face turned red with rage as he made to shove the older boy, before he forced himself to stop and assess the situation, like he had always done before today. Puck's voice held no recrimination, if anything it was amused and his posture laid-back as he studied the counter-tenor from his position on the couch. It looked like Puck was trying to push his buttons, and he was winning. If there was one thing Hummels could not stand, it was losing, and Kurt was simply not going to lose to a Neanderthal.
"What do you want Puckerman? I don't have time for you right now. Yeah, sure, I cried on your shoulder. Whoop-de-do! I just needed to vent, and you were a convenient punching bag. You can leave now."
Kurt's eyes narrowed, both hands moving to rest defiantly on his hips as he gave the other boy his patented "You're Not Good Enough To Be The Scum Beneath My Shoe" look.
Puck's eyes darkened with anger before he burst out laughing at the audacity of the smaller boy. If there was one thing he admired about Hummel, and he wouldn't admit this to anyone even on pain of death, it was the fact that he could manage to keep his bitch face in any situation.
Kurt, with his bathrobe slightly askew and the head band barely in place should have looked about as threatening as a purring kitten, instead he looked fierce, like a lioness protecting her cub.
Puck had never once seen the boy cry, despite the number of times he was insulted and bullied by the jocks in high school. That's why it confused and maybe even troubled Puck a little to see Kurt break down before him.
"What are you grinning at? You said you were here to get Finn's stuff, take it and leave!"
Kurt ground his teeth in frustration, before he remembered to stop because his teeth were too precious to be ruined over Noah Puckerman. His arms folded, he waited for Puck's response.
"Sit down Hummel, I won't bite. Much."
Puck smirked as the smaller boy continued to stand, but his face lost some of its redness, signalling that he wasn't completely angry at Puck. If there was anything he knew about Hummel, he knew that the brunette craved order and control and that's why it was so much fun trying to push his buttons. Kurt was probably angrier that he cried in front of a bully, than at Puck for being blunt. So, Puck decided to bite the bullet and even the playing field a little. He had no idea why he was doing this, but Hummel better appreciate this.
"Listen, man. I didn't mean to push you around in your own house earlier. I was just as mad at Finn for making me do this as you are about him for acting like a moron. I'm not gay, so I'll never get why you're obsessed with him or even why you'd like another guy. Personally, I like the feel of a good, tight—"
"Are you quite finished? I do not ever, I repeat, ever want to hear you finish that sentence! Why are you still here?"
Puck forcibly stopped his imagination from taking a dive towards the graphic before he answered the now fuming brunette.
"What I was trying to say is, sure, you like guys, but Finn doesn't and there's nothing you can do about it. It's like you said earlier, you can't help being gay and he can't help being straight. Geez Hummel, why would you even want a straight guy in the first place? Don't you want someone who would actually want you back?"
Kurt was suddenly taken aback by the logic of the question. He knew he was gonna make it out of this cow town if it was the last thing he did, and high school will one day just become a distant memory. So, why was he pining over a straight boy when he could do so much better?
Kurt bit his lip in consternation as he remembered, because the heart wants what the heart wants.
Puck glanced up to see a confused and a slightly dismayed Kurt looking at him, so he decided to finish his train of thought and wallow in embarrassment later.
The things I do for crying chicks and gays. Geez!
"Listen man, anyone can see that you're better for him than Rachel 'cause that chick might be a Jew but she makes me want to gouge my brains out through my nose."
This gained a restrained giggle from the smaller boy.
"And you're definitely more loyal and trustworthy than Quinn. I know that's ironic, coming from me, and yes I know what ironic means. Geez! Why does everyone think I'm stupid, just because I think school is for suckers?"
Kurt's dubious expression gave way to an involuntary giggle before he quickly turned around to face the dresser. Even though Puck could see Kurt's face in the mirror if he wanted to, he gave the other boy some privacy by focusing on Kurt's bare feet. They were so much smaller than his, almost like a chic's feet.
"But, all of that doesn't mean much if Finn isn't gay. If a guy can't see how much you're worth then what's the point of going after him? I know I'm not the greatest person to be giving out relationship advice, but I know what it feels like to want something really bad and not get it."
Puck glanced up to see Kurt's shoulders shaking, as the other boy folded his arms around himself in a defensive posture.
"Hey, I stopped throwing you into dumpsters, so I'm sure I can stop with the names too if I really try. Is that what you want?"
Puck panicked when Kurt refused to turn around, and he couldn't see the other boy's face because he was now bent double.
"Kurt, man, stop crying! I really don't need your dad to come down here with a shot gun. I've heard stories, that's why I was whispering near the front—"
Puck abruptly stopped his word vomit when he saw that Kurt wasn't shaking in misery, he was shaking with laughter, as he looked up at Puck's reflection before turning around to confirm it.
"Hummel, don't ever do that shit again!"
Kurt's smile broadened as he took a step forward. "No way, Puckerman! You can't act all badass now. I know you're just a big softie. Not the greatest person to give relationship advice? I didn't think you and relationship would ever be caught together in a sentence!"
"Hey, are you questioning my badassedness?"
Puck quickly got off the sofa to step into his standard big bad wolf pose.
"Huh uh, that's not gonna work with me. Not anymore."
Kurt looked up at Puck through his lashes, as he silently assessed the former bully. That strange feeling was back again, making his tummy flutter, and then he realized he hadn't eaten anything since last night.
"Besides, your secret's safe with me. I'm sorry too, for hurting you earlier."
Puck relaxed his badass posture a little to raise an eyebrow in question.
"For telling you that Quinn wouldn't want to get back with you because she was over you and for calling you a Lima loser. I guess I didn't give you enough credit for being able to think with your brain," Kurt elaborated.
"Oh, that! Shut up Hummel. I think plenty; I just don't like to show off like you do and I am so not a loser."
Puck moved closer to the smaller boy to pull his bathrobe together. It was way too weird to see Hummel look totally normal, standing there without his fancy clothes or any make up.
"The thing about Quinn not liking me, that was just the truth man, sure it made me mad and I didn't mean to grab you like I did, but sometimes I don't realize my own strength. I mean, look at my guns. Even I can't believe their awesomeness sometimes."
Puck moved back to stare at his muscles as Kurt rolled his eyes at Puck's narcissistic behaviour.
"Whatever man, if you ever call me by anything other than Kurt or Hummel, I might have to start crying again. I know you tried to cheer me up because you couldn't stand to see the water works. So, don't make me do it!"
Puck's surprise over Kurt's accurate assessment made the smaller boy laugh harder which only made the jock grouse more at the brunette.
This was the picture Kurt's father walked in on, with both boys trading insults at each other and there was a genuine smile in Kurt's eyes when he looked at his father this time.
It had been awhile since his son was truly relaxed and cheerful. This Noah character might not be half-bad after all.
"So, Kurt. You and your friend ready to order? I was thinking Chinese. Something special 'cause you have a friend visiting. What do you think boys?"
"Mr. H, can we have sweet and sour pork?"
"Sure, Noah. Kurt?"
"The shanghai noodles should be sufficient. Oh dad, can you order some spring rolls too?"
"Sure thing buddy, I'll call you boys when the food gets here."
Turning away from his father's retreating back, Kurt looked over at Puck.
"I thought you had to get to work? Isn't that what you said when you got here?"
"I lied. My pool cleaning business doesn't start until summer and I lost my other job at a restaurant when they found out I peed in the fast food Frialator at this other place I worked at."
"Oh God, just stop right there! I really don't wanna hear more of that story, but sweet and sour pork? I thought you were Jewish!"
"So? Meat is essential for my body. I mean just look—"
"—at your guns, I know!" Kurt finished with a small grin on his face before shaking his head at the jock.
"Did you really mean it when you said you weren't gonna call me names anymore? Or make fun of me? Or throw me in the dumpster?"
"Whoa, whoa! I told you I wasn't gonna insult you just to hurt you, but I might still do it to tease you. Where else am I gonna get my kicks after this?"
Puck smirked at the brunette as he sat back down on the comfy sofa. He was starting to think this might not be such a bad place to hang. It was manly, it had a huge flat screen T.V. that he could hook his X-Box into, and the couch was awesome! Wait, was he really thinking seriously about hanging out with Kurt Hummel? Puck quickly glanced up at Kurt, and saw that the brunette was setting up a line of make-up stuff and starting to do something to his face.
"What are you doing to your face anyway?"
Kurt glanced up at Puck's reflection to answer, "My face gets blotchy when I cry. My dad might not have noticed earlier, but he sure will when he sees me again. So I'm moisturizing and re-applying some of the make-up I lost while wiping my face earlier. I just need to use some eye drops to get rid of the redness and—"
"Whoa dude, a simple 'I'm putting my make up on' would've been enough. Not a whole lesson on—"
It was Puck's turn to be silenced as a stuffed toy came sailing through the air and hit him in the face.
God, the things he did for chicks and gays.
*End Flashback*
Kurt had censored much of what happened that day because he felt it was too personal to share with anyone, even Mercedes. So, he edited some things out and told them just the basics. Noah had shown up, Kurt had yelled at him, and then they had both realized that it was getting them nowhere so they decided to call it a truce. Kurt had then proposed a way to make sure he and the Glee club were safe from the bullies and Noah had helped him carry it out. In turn, Kurt was gonna help Noah with his homework. It was a win-win situation for all.
"Don't you agree?"
Mercedes, Artie and Tina were still gaping at the unlikely duo that were now apparently as close as you can get to friends. Maybe frenemies? No, definitely buddies at least.
"Alright white boy, I still think this whole thing smells fishy but I'll go with your explanation for now. But, you better come to your senses soon and spill everything or I'll have to do something drastic!"
Tina just shrugged and smiled at the boys, while Artie tried to high five the jock and was shot down when Puck just looked at him with a "Are you serious?" expression.
"Come on 'cedes! I swear, I'm not lying. And, what's that they say about not looking a gift horse in the mouth? Just be glad that Noah is finally growing up!"
This earned a small glare from the jock before they started moving towards the school as a group, but Kurt gave an inward sigh of relief when he felt Puck move up to walk beside him. He had to remember to update the other boy about his plans for getting the Hudson-Hummel families back together again. And to think, he had been completely opposed to everything Finn just days ago.
A/N: More of what happened during Kurt and Puck's "bonding weekend" is set to come next. This is a pilot chapter so it's pretty long. I have no idea how long the following chapters will be or even how many chapters I'll write. I'm thinking of writing it as it comes, and then planning everything out accordingly. So, what did you think? Please review, comment, rant, or rave. Oh, and check out my profile and let me know what you think of my idea.