Title: Clearing My Conscience
Author: Infinite-Endings
Rating: K
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimers applied. I own nothing.
Summary: Neela's POV in 'Crisis of Conscience.' What happens when Neela decides to clear her conscience and come clean about her feelings?

Author's Note: This is written as a flow of consciousness from Neela's POV. It is inspired by Eyes-of-Pearl's story, "Timing" which was written from Ray's POV. There will be major spoilers for the episode. Also, consider this as a gap filler.

CLEARING MY CONSCIENCE

'Damn! I'm late' ... that is probably the first thought that comes to mind.

This is followed closely by 'Oh my God, I'm in bed with Tony Gates. What's Ray going to think?'

Ok. Hold it. Where did that come from? First of all, Neela, you are late and waking up in Tony's bed. Secondly, you have to get dressed and leave immediately before Sarah finds out. Thirdly, you can worry about Ray finding out later because your future in the OR is at stake.

"What time is it?"

Shoot! Great... Tony, I forget to factor in this side of the equation or rather the man on the other side of this bed.

"It's 6:15. You let me fall asleep and stayed over."

That's right, Neela. Blame it on the guy for letting you sleep in his bed.

"It's ok."

"No, it's not ok. We agree that it was too early for Sarah to deal with all of this."

Right ... Neela ... less talking, more action ... find your jacket and get out.

OoOoO

By the time that I got to the ER, things didn't matter so much. I came downstairs to Tony's kitchen to find that Sarah was already up and preparing things in the kitchen. When I kissed Tony's cheek, I suddenly found myself thinking about the roomie days with Ray. How many times did I slipped out of the apartment with him seeing me off at the door? How many times did I almost give him to Ray's puppy-dog eyes and kiss him?

I know that it's silly to think about stuff like these when I have better things to do like finishing the four charts that I currently have in my hand. When Dubenko walks by with a yoga mat, I am still at least five-minutes away from finishing with the paperwork.

Ok Neela ... less thinking, more signing.

OoOoO

I never figure myself to be a very good sounding board. Seriously, if Monish wants to use me to clear his conscience, he is sadly mistaken. What could he possibly be thinking selling his kidney for money? As a doctor, he knows better than that! Now, I am stuck with this secret. If I said anything, this kidney transplant program will be placed in jeopardy. How many people will be sacrificed at its loss? But, I am ethically bound as a doctor to do good ... I have to report this...

Riding with Ray and Tasha in the elevator, I figure I better get a second opinion on this little dilemma. "Ah, Ray, can I get your advice on something?"

"Ok yeah. Of course."

"Well let say if I knew a really nice person about to do a really bad thing but this bad thing have really good consequences for a bunch of people."

Did that even make sense? Oh no, he's giving me a weird look. Please Ray, don't make me explain this.

"You don't need my advice."

"Yes, I do." C'mon, enlighten me.

"No. No, because you have this ethical alarm system hardwired into your brain. It makes you a self righteous pain in the ass. It's one of the best things about you."

Figures Ray to tease me and compliment me in the same sentence. If the situation isn't so serious, I will acknowledge it. Thanks Ray, I do owe you one.

"But if I told what I know, it's gonna mess things up for a whole bunch of people."

"They'll get over it. ... do the right thing Neela. That's all I'm saying."

I really wish that doing the right thing is always so simple, Ray.

OoOoO

Tasha's surgery goes well. Throughout the entire operation, I find myself getting angry. People did this to her. These injuries weren't the results of a fall. I realize that Tasha is incredibly brave to come forward with the truth about the cheerleading squad and the coach like that. Do the right thing? Yeah, I guess it's my turn.

The whole scenario is something out of terrible case of he said, she said. Monish lies through his teeth and Dubenko gets his version of the 'truth'. I really can't be part of something like this.

I leave the OR, feeling an odd mixture of self-liberation and incredible sadness. Nobody ever say that doing the right thing is easy. There are no rewards or gratification. Dubenko will definitely find somebody else who will not hesitate to do surgeries with him. The kidney transplant program will still continue; Monish will get his $50 000; his kidney will save a girl's life. Sometimes when the dust settles, you are the one who suffers a greater loss for your own self-righteousness.

It's one of the best things about you.

Damn you, Ray for saying those words.

OoOoO

I have the hardest time trying to find Tony. Luka and Abby haven't seen him and I am not going to send a search party for him. Passing by the admit desk, Ray is there at the computer.

"Hey, how did it go with your little secrets?"

"Oh terrible. Worse than expected, but our cheerleader did well."

"The police is interviewing the whole squad as well as the coach." He seems nervous. I wonder what's going on.

"Getting off soon?"

"Ah yeah. Thank God."

"Yeah, me too. Wanna grab a beer?" Okay. I probably should have seen that coming. Maybe, that's the reason why he is so nervous.

"Sounds good but I have some dictations to do."

Dictations? Ok, I suppose that's true, but I can't tell him that the real reason that I have to talk to Tony Gates first.

"Ok, have a good time."

OoOoO

I catch up with Tony in the middle of the street, just outside the Emergency bay. He has just been talking with someone but from the distance, I can't tell who it is.

"Tony."

"Hey Neela. I'm just on my way to find you. Listen, I know we need to talk, but Sarah just called. She says to come home as soon as possible. I need to be heading off."

"I know."

"How about I call you tomorrow?" He leans forward to kiss me on the cheek, and misses when I take a step backwards.

"Neela? What's wrong?"

"I can't keep doing this."

"What are you talking about?"

"This. This thing that we are doing ... it's not fair for everybody involve. The both of us have to be slightly more honest with each other. I like you, Tony. I do. A lot, in fact."

"But, we can only be friends, right? I know the I-like-you-but-only-as-friends speech when I hear it."

"Sarah deserves to know the truth. It's never easy to do the right thing."

"Don't insult me, Neela. This isn't just about what happened in my kitchen this morning."

"No, it isn't. I have a lot on my conscience too. I know it isn't much but for what it is worth, I am truly sorry for my part in all of this."

"I hope he's worth it."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. It takes two to tango, Mayday. If things don't work out, well, you know where to find me."

OoOoO

I walk with a destination in mind. I hope that I'm not too late. Ray is already pulling bills out of his wallet, when I take the empty stool next to his.

"Leaving so soon?"

He turns, surprise and elation on his face. With a grin, he says, "I guess not," and orders another round for us.

"So, finish with your dictations?" he asks casually.

"I guess I just needed to get things off my chest before I come to see you."

"You know you can always talk to me, right? I mean I may not always have the best advice, but ..."

"I know, Ray. I do. You know better than anybody else."

He nearly chokes on his drink. Masking a cough, he turns on his stool until he faces me squarely. "Neela?"

"Remember how I said today about telling secrets with the possibility for messing things up for a whole bunch of people?"

"Yeah?"

"You told me that they'll get over it. It shouldn't stop me from doing the right thing."

He gives another affirmative, still trying to follow my train of thought. I take a deep breath and continue, "So, I want to tell a really nice guy about this bad thing that I did but the bad thing can potentially mess things up with this really nice guy. But by your rationale, things should work out in the end and this really nice guy will eventually get over this really bad thing that I did."

Ray leans forward until he is just at the edge of his stool. He is so close that I can smell the faint traces of his cologne.

"Neela," he drawls out. "I think you have nothing to worry about. The other great thing about you is that you are so disarmingly beautiful that it makes really nice guys forget the bad things that you may have done."

"Ray, I'm being serious here."

"Me too. I said this before, Neela. Just do the right thing. Really nice guys know the meaning of forgiveness."

"So Ray, I have a confession to make."

Fin

AN: So, what did you guys think?