Disclaimer: Don't own them. And honestly, if I did own CSI:NY, would I be writing this?

Notes: 'Innocent' fun, I suppose. I'm mad at New York so now this may be bitter and mean, but it's a lot of sarcasm. Like always, enjoy.

Credit to Nemo the Everbeing for their stories, The Spotter's Guide to the Common Spock and The Spotter's Guide to the Common McCoy. Those stories are hilarious. A recommended read if you are a Star Trek: The Original Series fan.

The Field Guide of the Common DL

The Danny (Statenicus Nativicus)

Average size and built, the Danny maintains an appearance of blond to light brown hair with glasses usually shoved on its nose. Its call sounds similar to that of "Boom", "Montana", and a constant moaning sound (most often occurring when with the subspecies EasilyManipulated!Lindsay). The Danny originates from Staten Island, giving it a sensual accent to draw Lindsays, many Original Characters, and the occasional Rikki out of hiding. This species also fights to extinction as the subspecies NoMoreGlasses!Danny grows in fanfiction population.

Environment:

The Danny can be found most often in its bedroom. Other habitats include the crime lab, the precinct, and the very rare (if not dormant) possibility of the Lindsay's apartment. Some scientists argue that the Danny finds the most comfort at a Flack's apartment, but this lacks evidence since the emergence of NoMoreGlasses!Danny. The Danny has been occasionally found at a crime scene where it is normally injured severely so that a Lindsay must doctor it up enough so that they can ensue in a sexual activity soon after.

Appearance:

The Danny is usually found in jeans and a button down shirt. It has also been known to carry around a Lindsay with it (usually of the EasilyManipulated!Lindsay and NeedsAManToBeComplete!Lindsay subspecies. Note: some scientists intertwine the two subspecies for their similarities. They call the combined subspecies IsAProp!Lindsay).

Mating Habits:

The most common mating ritual of the Danny is the practice of the one night stand. This is generally debated among scientists as a ruse to attract the Lindsay into a sexual relationship. Most scientists generally agree that the Danny is happy with the Lindsay, but this theory was put on hold with the appearance of the Rikki. Often it is the subspecies, Grief!Danny, that strays outside of a 'closed' relationship to find solace in another woman's body.

Some scientists argue that the Danny mates with the Flack on the occasion that no one else is available or either is feeling particularly horny. This has not been proven by any outstanding evidence, but it remains a valid point in the fanfiction community.

Predators:

The most common predator of the Danny is the InOutrage!Lindsay (only upon finding out about its other sexual relationships). The next most common predator is the Really Bad (if not unrealistic) Villain (Dannicus Hurtus Revengicus). Its favorite prey is a Grief!Danny or a NoMoreGlasses!Danny.

Subspecies:

NoMoreGlasses!Danny- This subspecies began to appear without its trademark glasses. It is often categorized by scientists as radically different. Its mating habits are contained to the Lindsay only. It is a responsible evolution of the species and often disregards the Flack in order to please the Lindsay. Its loyalties switch to its family and is often not sarcastic. It is often attacked by the Really Bad Villain as the villain cannot stand to see the Lindsay and/or the Danny in such happiness. The lifespan of this subspecies is promising as it is often doctored up and taken in by the Lindsay (with this subspecies of the Danny, the EasilyManipulated!Lindsay and/or NeedsAManToBeComplete!Lindsay is preferable) in hopes of having sexual intercourse as soon as possible.

Grief!Danny- This subspecies is marked by irrepressible depression and angst. It is often driven to think of suicide. It is normally stopped by a Idealized!Lindsay in the hopes of renewing the past relationship. If the Lindsay prove forgiving, the Danny often mates with her (usually of the EasilyManipulated variety). The lifespan of this subspecies varies depending on the compassion of the Lindsay and the amount of thought on suicide. Also, spontaneous (if not predictable) car crashes have been known to kill off this Danny just as he seems to be finding happiness in the Lindsay. Often times, this allows an Idealized!Lindsay or a EasilyManipulated!Lindsay to evolve into a Tough!Lindsay.

Idealized!Danny- This species revolves around the age old idea that it's really not the Danny's fault. The Danny is perfect. It works hard to provide for its family and tends to live longer than most other subspecies. Normally, the Idealized!Danny and the Idealized!Lindsay will mate and soon after have an Idealized!baby. This often leads to a wipeout of this particular subspecies as it is thinning out from the fanfiction ranks.

Father!Danny- This Danny is marked by the baby (obviously) in its life. It often has to search for this baby after some Really Bad Villain decides for revenge. Often this subspecies is found in 'fluff' with Mother!Lindsay. This Danny lives the longest of all because it cannot leave its baby and mother in a world without him.

The Lindsay (Montanicus Rookieum):

The Lindsay has a small shape and is marked by its brown hair. Its call often sounds like "Danny" or a moaning sound (often when with Grief!Danny or NoMoreGlasses!Danny). The Lindsay comes from Montana as is reflected in the Danny's constant use of it for the Lindsay's nickname (Note: some scientists consider this wooing on the Danny's part so that the Lindsay will enter a relationship – most likely sexual – with him). Its country ways seem to seduce any wandering Dannys from their natural habitat.

Environment:

The Lindsay is most often found in the crime lab or at the Danny's apartment. It is said that it occasionally ventures to crime scenes and its own apartment. Scientists are still debating this as little to no evidence has appeared validating this. The Lindsay has occasionally gone to the Flack's place for either friendship or to hurt the Danny by having sexual relations with the Flack. This occurrence is even rarer than the Lindsay's visit to its own apartment.

Appearance:

The Lindsay is often at the Danny's side (compulsively). This behavior seems to stay within the subspecies EasilyManipulated!Lindsay and NeedsAManToBeComplete!Lindsay. The Lindsay often wears nice pants with a suit jacket. It is often seen wearing high heels. It appears to have an outrageous amount of athletic ability when it runs in these heels.

Mating Habits:

Unlike the Danny, the Lindsay remains faithful in its mating activities. It is often seen pining after the Danny when the Danny turns away from it. The Lindsay and the Danny, if first together, will mate (as some scientists say) like rabbits all over in their excitement (often the InOutrage!Lindsay and the Grief!Danny in a futile way to release their emotions). Besides its fetish to consummate anywhere, the Lindsay seems to be happy in its relationship with the Danny.

Predators:

The Lindsay has few natural born predators. The Rikki seems to be one, and the other would be Really Bad Villain who wants to hurt her in its rage.

Subspecies:

EasilyManipulated!Lindsay- This subspecies often displays actions of unbelievable forgiveness of the Danny. It is often too trustworthy and is often emotionally hurt as a result. This subspecies has a relatively normal lifespan. It is marked by clingy tendencies.

NeedsAManToBeComplete!Lindsay- This subspecies differentiates from the prior one because this Lindsay does not necessarily need Danny to be happy. This Lindsay will bounce from guy to guy until realizing that it is only complete with Danny. This subspecies often has tendencies to overlook some of the Danny's mating rituals. The subspecies is often with a NoMoreGlasses!Danny or a Grief!Danny.

IsAProp!Lindsay- See EasilyManipulated and NeedsAManToBeComplete.

InOutrage!Lindsay- This Lindsay is not ignorant like the before subspecies. It often finds out about the Danny's mating rituals either on its own accord or of a mutual friend. This supspecies is marked by unforgiving and hateful characteristics. However, the InOutrage!Lindsay often evolves into an Idealized!Lindsay or a IsAProp!Lindsay. This subspecies lifespan is shortened by these immediate evolutions.

Idealized!Lindsay- This Lindsay is marked by perfection. Everything it touches turns to gold. It is often mated with an Idealized!Danny. This Lindsay is often written into extinction out of boredom. Its lifespan is shorter than the others.

Tough!Lindsay- After mating with Grief!Danny, the Lindsay must evolve into something more. Mostly this Lindsay carries the relationship. It often whips the Danny into submission (not literally). The Lindsay is often responsible and not selfish (much to the surprise of everyone else). This Lindsay seems to have made its natural habitat in AU stories, having found no suitable climate in canon stories to live. The lifespan of this subspecies is promising as it has to help the grieving Danny back on its feet.

Mother!Lindsay- This Lindsay is often found in fluff as it raises its baby. It is often mated with the Father!Danny. It often balances work and a baby. Somehow, this Lindsay does so without the normal problems of life. If one of these problems should appear, it quickly and completely realistically overcomes it. This subspecies seems to have an eternal lifespan.

The DL (Dannycus Lindsaycus)

The DL is a mating ritual of the Danny and the Lindsay. After consummating their relationship, the DL often is seen with PDAs (Public Displays of Affection). Many times the DL keeps their relationship secret so the team must guess. Mostly the Flack guesses first.

Environment:

The most popular environment of the DL is the Danny's apartment. It is often the habitat in which the Lindsay becomes attached. Rarely does the DL venture to the Lindsay's apartment.

Mating Habits:

If it's a hard surface (or any surface as many scientists have come to find out), it has been mated upon. Often, the DL is walked in on by an unsuspecting Flack. The crime lab is also a favorite mating ground of the DL.

Predators:

The main predator of the DL is the Really Bad (and still unrealistic) Villain. Many scientists have noted the evidence of the villain going after the Danny and the Lindsay's baby. The Lucy is often put in mortal peril (for some completely realistic reason except for the fact that it is so overused that the DL have no real reactions). The DL have to then work together to find her. They often do and they all live happily ever after.

Subspecies:

The DL remains the same (if often clichéd) in all areas that it has no subspecies. The DL likes to dip into angst but rarely stays in it. The DL often lives happily ever after with its best friends, the Flack and the Stella.

A/N: Go ahead. Flame me. I can take it. Seriously, tell me what you really think. Have a great day!