1The Election in Quahog
by
Mike Kocher.
(Peter is on the couch watching the News)
Announcer: We now return to Channel 5 news with Tom Tucker and Diane Sawyer.
Tom: Our top story, the Quahog killer is still on the prowl. He has claimed his ninth victim beloved Drunk Clam bartender Horus.
Diane: What a tragedy Tom.
Tom: Well Diane a tragedy is defined as a disastrous event, especially one involving distressing loss or injury to lifeDiane(mumbling) : In other news the death toll in the Iraq war has reached an all time high when asked to comment on the matter President Bush replied Whens nap time?
Lois walks in: I just heard Horus got killed by that mad man.
Peter: No I think hell be back.
Brian walks in: Peter this bill is through the roof are you ever going to get a job?
Peter: Im waiting until couch inspector becomes a real job.
Brian: Thats never going to happen.
Peter: Oh Im sure it will.
(Cut to Inspector Gadget with Peter)
Peter: Hows the patient
Detective: They cut his leather he wont last the night.
(Peter inspects couch)
Peter: I know those marks CLLAWW!
(Flash forward)
Peter: All right Ill look
(Cut to Peter in Doctors office)
Dr. Hartman: You know Peter donating a kidney is a very risky process.
Peter: How hard can it be Ive made a living off donating blood and sperm.
Dr. Hartman: Well Peter you might not survive the operation and since you're a heavy drinker your health will most likely decline.
Peter: Heavy drinker! Im offended sir!
Budweiser Frog: Lets leave Peter before he takes our dignity away.
Peter: Just cut me up and cut me a check.
Dr. Hartman: Very well. Dr. Hughes prep Mr. Griffin for his surgery.
(Dr. Hughes comes in. He is obviously a child conceived from Peters donated sperm)
Peter: its like looking in a mirror.
Dr .Hughes: What do you know Sweeeeettt.
(Peter gets out of hospital bed after surgery).
Peter: Ill see you next time I donate a kidney.
Dr. Hughes to Dr. Hoffman: What a dumb ass.
(Cut to Peter in Living room)
Peter: The kidney didnt cover the bills. Brian can you donate your heart?
Brian: Im not going to waste air answering that.
Peter: Dont worry Ill find a way.
(Cut to Peter in robbers suit)
Peter: Heres old man McDucks place.
(Peter jumps in the swimming pool of coins)
Peter: Yeah! (He fills up his bag)
Duck: Uncle Scrooge theres a robber swimming in your pool
Scoorge: Poor people are to be killed.
(The Duck shoots but Peter deflects the bullet and the duck is dead)
(Cut to Dinner table(A cooked duck is there)
Peter: Its no use, I havent been this upset since they cancelled my favorite show.
(Cut to Peter in front of TV.)
Peter: Oh hes got suposcious eyes, you better arrest him Security guard Johnson. Oh my God I dont believe it is that Arnold Schwarznegger quest starring?
Brian: Peter that was C-Spans round the clock coverage of Ronald Reagans funeral.
Peter: Yeah and it had endless possibilities.
(Cut to Peter at the Drunken Clam)
Horus: Whats the matter Peter feeling blue?
Peter: I just cant keep a steady job.
Horus: Well the mayoral elections are taking place.
(Cut to Adam West in office)
Wests secretary: Sir your campaign officials are here to see you.
West: Send them in
Official #1: Mayor West you realize election day is right around the corner.
(West takes baseball bat)
West: Dont worry Ill get him.
Official #2: This is worse than we thought.
West: Sorry gentlemen hes seem to have left.
Official: Mayor West you do realize that you need to win another term.
Mayor West: Im sorry Im not good at sports.
Official 2: You do know you belong to the Republican Party and that you are up for re-election right?.
Mayor West: Im sorry but I cancelled my Party City discount card.
Official #1:You know what well see you tomorrow.
Official #2: Our chances are low well never win.
Official #1: Dont worry we wont have a candidate who can oppose us.
(Cut to Griffin household, Peter is watching Television with Brian)
Announcer: We now return to Ebert & Roeper.
Peter: I swear Brian Hollywood controls all most everything critics say. Remember this summer when I was a critic.
(Cut to Peter as a Critic)
Peter: Roger Im afriad what brings War of the Worlds down is the awful performance by Tom Cruise. His acting does not warrant his poor behavior.
(Peters chair falls into an underground base)
Peter: Anthony Hopkins?
Anthony: Quiet hes coming
Tom Cruise: So Mr .Hopkins you think you know psychiatry?
Hopkins: Come on it was a movie everyone loves Hannibal Lector.
Tom: You didn't answer my question.
Hopkins: Well to be honest I dont but you probably know as much as me...
(Tom Cruise fires a gun and kills Hopkins)
Peter: Please Ill be good!
Tom Cruise in an angry voice: Which one of my films do you think was the best?
Peter: Uhh I dont know
(Tom Cruise shocks Peter)
(Peter finds holy water in his pocket and throws it at Cruise melting him)
Brian: Talk about a rough day.
Peter: Yeah tell me about it,the chicken came by for another re-match when I got home.
(Doorbell rings)
Brian: Ill get it
Official: Hi are you Brian Griffin?
Brian: The one and only.
Official: How would you like to run for Mayor of Quahog for the Democratic party?
Brians tail wags
Brian: Sure!
Official: Good our last candidate didnt have a human touch.
(Cut to Emperor Palpatine giving a speech)
Palpatine: The Jedi will be destroyed and The City Of Quahog will be reorganized into the first Galactic Empire!
Bystander: Thats what you say every year.
Brian: What made you chose me if you dont mind me asking.
Official: Well frankly Brian your in the minority of Quahog residents who can rub their belly and pat their head at the same time.
Peter: Thats offensive.
(Peter trys it and crashes into a glass table)
Peter: Lois call 911