"Oh, like you eat!"
And you roll your eyes and cross your arms defensively across your chest. You feel your stomach grumble ever so slightly, but not loud enough for anyone to hear. It hurts you, though, knowing you're this hungry at yet you can't eat, because you'll just feel horribly after later. So you try not to look pained or sad, or even hurt by that comment, and hope that nobody ever notices.
You can't help but feel slightly hurt though.
You're in a bathroom cubicle, and you freeze before you exit, because you hear someone say 'Lopez'.
"I mean, she got a boob job!"
"But they look awesome!"
"Yeah, but she's got serious issues! I mean, she looked awesome before! Somebody's gotta be really insecure to wanna change their body like that."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, why do people get boob jobs? Normally, to look better, you know? Nose jobs and all that crap too! Lopez must obviously feel as if she isn't pretty enough."
You make sure there's nobody else in the bathroom before you leave the comfort zone of your cubicle.
When you're home, everything feels like a strained routine. The motions are there, so are the words, but you couldn't really care less. Every part of your mind is somewhere else, and you don't like it.
"Santana, honey, aren't you hungry?"
"Not really, Mami."
"You'll be a stick forever if you don't eat something soon!" your father tells you, brandishing his fork at you. You shrug and push your chair away from the table, getting out of the dining room and making your way to the stairs, to your bedroom.
Once inside, it takes every ounce of energy not to grab the little hidden knife that you stash carefully under your mattress and run it across your skin.
It's the path you take every night when you're alone, sad and self conscious, the one thing you do when everything feels wrong. Because you know that everything is just going so wrong right now…
Your body feels heavy, your mind keeps going back to the chocolate you indulged in at lunch and feeling guilty about it, your heart keeps beating and mourning for that one girl who still isn't yours officially, your eyes keep seeing darkness even when they're open.
What's wrong with you?
It's not long before people start to suspect something' cracking beneath the armour. The dorks in Glee Club actually start holding you back more often as you lash out at people, and you don't like it. Not when their bodies are so close to yours, sometimes even hurting the sore spots like your stomach. Once Mike accidentally pressed down a little too hard on your chest. You actually whimpered in pain.
You are Santana Lopez. You do not whimper!
He let you go that one time, and then immediately remembered that right, you had a boob job. Your chest hurts when you press to hard. He raised an eyebrow that time, but it was OK because Mike doesn't judge. Not normally anyways.
You find yourself actually beginning to think of how amazing it would be to finally get rid of the pain your 'summer surgery' brought with it. It would feel pretty good to actually be able to breathe again, to be able to lie down without labored efforts to get up again, without feeling that lead-like load on your body every night before you sleep.
It was true, what you had said to Sue that time. You did get them so that people would notice you more. What self-respecting girl wouldn't want that for herself?
But then again, self-respecting girls don't beat themselves up over it every night…
You don't normally beat yourself up this badly, but when it takes you ages to get one simple move and get all dizzy before it's even done, you're pretty pissed at yourself. You're the second best female dancer in that choir room, and you not getting this move is utterly unheard of!
But when the ground started to spin and your chest felt heavier than usual, that's when you knew you were suffering from eating that one measly piece of salad at lunch.
When the ground hugged you, you felt safe. For all of two seconds. Then you felt rough hands shake you, somebody (probably Berry) yell that you had to call an ambulance. Quinn reassuring her that no, the school nurse was just fine. Finn was panicking, Puck was trying to turn you onto your side so you could breathe. Then everything just stopped, and you felt soft, warm hands squeeze your shoulders and haul you up into sturdy arms. Your eyes are closed, and it hurts to even try to open them, but you lean your head against Brittany's chest anyways. You know it's her. How could you not? You know her body better than your own.
She's walking with you quickly, she's strong and fast that way. You try to get your breathing under control, but everything's just five times harder today.
"San, you should have eaten."
"Uhmerm…" you mumble. It's the best she can get out of you.
"San, what's wrong lately?"
You give her a half-committed shrug. Your shoulder grazes against her skin as you move it and you smile to yourself. She's so close your bodies could melt.
"I know you, Santana. I know you better than anybody. And I think I know what's bugging you…"
You jerk up slightly to look at her, but the sudden movement just makes your heart spin even more. You open your eyes and see black creeping in through the edges of your vision, blocking everything out.
And then it's black again.
You're at home, resting, when she decides to crawl into bed with you and wrap her arms around you big spoon style, humming into your ear.
"It's gonna be OK, San. You know that right?"
You nod. It's hard to not believe anything Brittany says. She kisses the back of your neck and smiles into your skin. You feel everything start to tingle and prick, but in the most delicious way ever.
"I love you. Please love yourself too…" she whispers, and you turn around so you can face her, staring into those beautiful blue eyes.
"You've got enough love for the both of us," you tell her. And she laughs, a ringing sound that's almost as melodic as music.
"Let me help you, San. One step at a time. OK?"
You nod and without thinking, lean in, brushing your lips against hers. She leans into the kiss, deepening it and you feel as if all the weight of the world has just been lifted off your shoulders.
You'll be fine…