Here we go again. I re-watched 1x08. So, Hoyt. I wanted to write something darker, more angst-ridden, so i started this one. These include the Hoyt-Storyline, a deeper look at Colin Doyle and of course, Rizzlesaction. They are references to season one, but i will mix things up. No worries, Jane and Maura find their way, earlier as you maybe expected, but they need time. I make time leaps sometimes, so be aware. We got drama, fear, love, self doubts and smut. Let´s go!

Chapter one

I love you.

I love you too, Maura. You´re my best friend.

No Jane, I'm in love with you.

Jane was looking at her hands. Three months ago, Charles Hoyt captured her. Broke her. No one before was capable to do that. Jane got through everything. The mobbing in high school. The nicknames, they gave her. The sexual harassment in police school. She built up a wall, to protect herself. It allowed no friends and no lovers, to keep her safe, from every pain in the world. She learned in her life, that this was the only way, the bear the misery without getting hurt. Jane was a homicide detective and a hell of a cop. No one would mess with her. When someone underrate her, she would show them how it´s done. And than this case came up. A psychopath fixed on couples. Raped the woman, let the husband watch. Jane was investigating. She was good. She got him, but she didn´t broke him. He did. He made her vulnerable. Pierced her palms with a scalpel. Each hand attached to the ground. She felt, like all the pain in the world came to her. She was afraid. So damn fucking afraid, that her own imagine kills her. That wasn´t her. It was some other woman, looking like her. She would never lie there, in tears, begging for her life. But she did and she couldn´t live with that.

This ugly scars on her hands, reminds everyone, that Jane can´t be trusted. It was a stupid mistake. No one would trust her anymore. How could someone could sleep well, with that thought, that someone like Jane, was about to have their back? Where was she, to protect someone? She couldn´t protect herself. She was nothing. Just a broken woman. Everyone could see it. She felt like that woman in the movie 'the Scarlet Letter'. The only difference was, that Jane has scarred hands and a light scar on her neck.

Sometimes she thought, to take her own life. The nightmares didn´t stop and she felt pathetic. She couldn´t sleep. She had fear. Fear of her thoughts and what Hoyt would do to her. For the doctors, it was always a fight, to bring Jane down. She was so weak. Her hands were the most important thing to her. What was, when there never working again, like they did before? She was about to quit her job. Paperwork wasn´t fulfilling and no one would ever want to work with her again.

The revelry was a hard time. Not just for her, for her whole family. She did not want to see anyone from the BPD, but no Rizzoli would ever listen to her, principally not her ma. Frankie tried to cheer her up. She was closer to him, than anyone of her family. They were like twins, except the fact, that Jane was a few years older. He followed her footsteps, wanted to be a homicide detective. If it was possible, she would give him her place.

It took her some time in therapy, to recover from the injuries. Hoyt did a good job. The doctors figured out, that Jane felt a phantom pain. Well it was Maura, who found out. She studied the medical diagnosis and couldn´t understand why Jane was in so much pain. Jane never admitted it. Every time she wanted to move her hands, she felt the cold steel cutting through her hands. Maura knew it, but she didn´t say a word. With time, it got better. It bothered her, that she wasn´t capable of holding a simple tennis ball, giving someone a hand shake or go through her hair without pain. She was fighting, to do those simple things.

Someday Cavanaugh was visiting. Jane wouldn´t do any psychotherapy. No one, not even Maura, could talk her into this. But her boss did. He gave her a speech, which wakes her up. She did it. She felt better. Her hands recovered and at some point, she went home. Hoyt was in prison and he could never touch her again. It felt good. Anyway she didn´t find sleep at all. She told no one. Everyone was about to treat her like a child, but she pushed them away. Even Maura, because she knew. she couldn´t deal with her google talk. It was too much. She suffered alone. She wanted no one, to tell her, how she felt, when she didn´t know it at all. Someone, who looked at her, knowing the cause of the dark circles under her eyes and why she looked pale.

She wasn´t the same person, she was three months ago. But she was here, back in the BPD, in front of the elevators. She stood her so often. Upstairs to her desk, downstairs to the morgue. She missed it. Jane felt out-of-place. She felt everyone´s eyes on her. Jane was about to scream. She didn´t, because she feared, her voice was broken too. This strong voice, full of emotions. She pushed the button, making all her way up to the homicide department. Cavanaugh expected her. She hadn´t her badge back and she didn´t know, how do hold a gun anymore. Maybe she should just go home. She just stood there, lost, like a puppy. Was that it? The end? Should she go home, find a husband and be a mother? No more ass kicking? Doing her gum shoe thing? Chasing the bad guys? Jane´s head went nuts. Her hands hiding in her pockets.

She felt a hand on her lower back. "I got you."

Jane was about to cry, when she looked in those green hazel eyes. Of course she did. She always does.

"I can´t Maur."

"Come with me."

"Where do we go?"

"Down to the morgue. The dead don´t judge."

"But Cava.."

"He don´t mind."