X Things about Leon Vance
by channelD
written for: The NFA's Weekly Writing Challenge #10: Ten Things You Didn't Know About… I chose Leon Vance.
rating: K plus
genre: crack!fic/humor
warning: several season 6 spoilers in here. Read at your own risk.
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disclaimer: I own nothing of NCIS.
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I. Leon Vance's wife is named Jackie, but that is all that he knows about that. He never learned her last name. When they were dating, it got to the point where he was too embarrassed to ask her. So he never did. Even on their wedding day. She has the marriage certificate stashed away somewhere, and he has never seen it. He thinks she uses the last name Vance now, but isn't sure about that, either.
II. Leon and Jackie (his wife of the unknown-last-name) have two children. He thinks they are the ones in the pictures that he has on his desk at work, but he isn't sure of that, either. The woman who calls herself Jackie (he thinks she's his wife) gave him the pictures and told him to put them on his desk. They're cute kids; anyone would be proud to call them his own.
III. The kids are a girl and a boy. The girl is named Kayla—at least that's what he calls her. Kayla suffers from the terribly sad Benjamin Button syndrome, so that she is now finally younger than her younger brother. Her name has also changed to Lily. Is this a symptom of the syndrome? Leon doesn't know.
IV. He last knew that Jackie (whom he thinks is his wife) and the two cute kids (names uncertain) were still living in San Diego. Jackie had said she didn't want to live in Washington DC. Or did she mean Washington state? That would be something entirely different. She might have a fear of Starbucks coffee (native to Washington state). That would explain a lot. A beautiful woman and two sweet kids showed up at his DC house for Christmas. He thinks they were Jackie, Kayla/Lily, and…whatever the boy's name is. But he's not sure. He spent all weekend listening for the phone to ring, fearing it might be Jackie. But it didn't ring. They all had a great time, nonetheless.
V. Leon spends several nights at NCIS. He's afraid to go home in case that woman (Jackie?) is there. She's very nice and beautiful and sexy, but he would be embarrassed to have to ask her what her name was. What if she is his wife, but he's gotten her name wrong all these years? Thank heavens for the person who invented the term "honey."
VI. He took a liking to Tim McGee right from the start. The brainy young man matched his idea of the future NCIS agents. Being from San Diego where the weather is almost the same year round, however, Leon was puzzled by Tim's pale complexion. This is why Leon reassigned Tim to Cybercrimes, located in the NCIS HQ sub-basement. It was cool down there, Leon knew, and the cool temperatures would keep Tim from "spoiling."
VII. He doesn't know how to shop for toys for Christmas. Leon figures this is because he's been so busy at NCIS for years. You don't rise in the ranks without hours and hours of work. There was one night where he stayed at the office in San Diego because he'd misplaced the sheet of paper on which he'd written down his home address. He did remember his phone number…and called there to say he wouldn't be home. The woman who answered (Jackie?) didn't give any hints, and he was embarrassed to ask. The next day, he remembered to look up his address in his personnel records. He wrote it in ink on his wrist. Leon thought maybe it was time for a better-memory class…But about the toys. For years he's given the kids neglected items from the evidence garage (flak jackets, spent shells, etc.) Last year the boy got a hand grenade. Jackie swears there's no connection between that and the neighbors' house blowing up when they were away. Leon is rethinking toys for this year.
VIII. Leon has a past with Gibbs. No, not that kind of past. They met at the Navy cotillion in San Diego some years ago. Leon had his eyes on an Assistant Directorship at that time, and thought Gibbs wanted it, too. There was an unpleasant bar brawl in front of all the debutantes, and a night in jail. Some woman—Jackie-something-or-other—bailed both of them out. Their relationship has been cool ever since. Both insist the other is responsible for the $19.50 bar bill (which Jackie paid).
IX. He doesn't like elevators. He's noticed that the NCIS ones all too often stop between floors. This is usually when Gibbs is in them with a member of his team. Gibbs is clearly bad luck. Gibbs must be a master of anti-claustrophobia. Maybe it balances out his bad luck. Leon therefore opts for the stairs. This also gives him a better chance to sneak up on agents in the squad room. No dinging elevator button. Why such a wimpy "ding" sound, anyway? Maybe he can get McGee to hack into the elevator computer system and install a boxing ring "ding"—a real manly sound.
X. Leon had really hoped this assignment would be temporary—"Acting Director", like the title said. He likes to act. He was the lead in The Music Man in high school. He never wanted to be Director for long. His dream job would be to run the NCIS office on some sunny, warm, island, and live out his days quietly…just him, two cute kids, and a beautiful woman who calls herself…what was that name again?
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