STABBY AND HORMONAL FULL SUMMARY:
She felt stabby. She didn't care for the boy who told her that "stabby" wasn't a feeling. He was the first person she wanted to stab. First Ron, then the rest of mankind. Not womankind; Mother Nature already stabs them monthly. Just men. Men deserve to be stabbed.
"Here you go, Hermione—chocolate." Okay...Women and Fred were safe. Everyone else wasn't.
"I'm pretty sure it's called PMS because that's easier to say than estrogen induced manic depressive bipolar disorder prone to fits of psychopathic rage."
Ron definitely wasn't safe, so Hermione asks her boys for help in pranking the shit out of Ron for pissing her off when she's on her period.
First, a disclaimer: 95% of this was inspired by my own experiences. However, I found a post on Facebook by Violet Benson (@DaddyIssues_) when I was in the middle of writing and I borrowed a few of the comments of people's experiences to help make it more authentic. I've changed all of the wording, but I wanted to be sure to say that.
Fred bounced his knee as he waited anxiously for Hermione to arrive for their lunch date. If he remembered correctly, she had a meeting this morning, but it should have finished a couple of hours ago. Hermione was never late unless something was seriously wrong, or she had lost track of time working.
Fred had just decided that he was going to go looking for her in her office when her personal assistant passed, heading to the door. He was surprised to see she looked like she was heading home. Intrigued since it was barely the middle of the day, Fred detoured his course and cut her path off.
"Hey," Jessica said in surprise. "What're you doing here?"
"Waiting for Mia to get here for our lunch date so we can discuss the potion she agreed to help me with."
"You mean Hermione didn't tell you?" If she was surprised before, now she was in shock.
"Tell me what?" he asked, a million worst case scenarios running through his head.
"She's not coming in today. It's the first day of..." she stopped and blushed to herself, catching herself before she told her boss's boyfriend that her boss was suffering killer cramps and really couldn't move, let alone come into work today.
"First day of...?" Fred trailed off with a question, gently urging her to finish her sentence.
Jessica turned a brighter shade of red as she bounced on her feet. "You know," she urged, silently begging him to get there on his own, before gesturing to her stomach.
What the...Oh! He quickly counted the days in his head and mentally slapped himself for not remembering it before. Hermione never advertised it, but she had always had notoriously painful cramps and they came like clockwork. Every couple months, they'd get so bad that a pain potion didn't do anything to help and she'd be pretty much immobilized by her own body seizing up against her.
After a brief and awkward silence, Fred and Jessica looked up at each other and started laughing the awkwardness away.
"So where're you headed?" Fred asked, trying to change the topic.
"Well, I have a few things I need to bring to Hermione, then call Luna to see if she can pull herself away from packing long enough to take care of her. If she can't, I'll see if Neville could pick Jonathan up from preschool and give him dinner for me so I can take care of Hermione until I go to my night classes."
Fred's heart reached out to the young mother. Jessica was Hermione's only lasting friend from before Hogwarts. She had moved to America around the same time that Hermione had gotten her Hogwarts letter. Ironically both Muggleborn girls were witches, but Jessica went to Ilvermorny instead of Hogwarts.
Jessica had been against having sex before marriage, but her No-Maj boyfriend had pressured her to have sex when they were seventeen and she had eventually caved to his wishes. After nine months of him attempting to coerce her into having an abortion, she gave birth to Jonathan at the age of eighteen. As soon as her parents had found out about her pregnancy, they had kicked her out, calling her the "shame of the family." Hermione immediately called Fred for his help in forcibly dragging Jess across the Atlantic to Hermione's flat in London.
Over the next two years, Hermione had risen to through the ranks of the Ministry while Jessica worked as her secretarial assistant. While she loved working as a secretary, Jessica had an evening apprenticeship to eventually become a potions master.
Fred could only imagine how Jessica struggled single mom daily, and yet still managed to have one of the brightest personalities he knew. He reached out and gave her a hug.
"Why don't you just take the afternoon off to go spend time with your son? You can drop him off at Mia's on your way to your classes and we'll make sure he gets dinner at the Burrow?" Fred asked.
"But—"
"Don't," he said, holding his hand up to stop the protest he was sure was about to be said. "Let me worry about taking care of Mia. I've been dealing with her since she first hit puberty and my ickle brother and Harry were useless at helping her. You deserve to take a break for once. You never get to spend time with Little Jon, and I know he would love to spend the afternoon with his mummy before spending an evening playing catch with his 'Uncle Freddy'," he teased. Since Hermione and Jessica were so close, and Fred was dating Hermione, he got to spend a lot of time with Jessica's little one. When Jon had first started talking, he had started calling Hermione and Fred his aunt and uncle and no one ever wanted to correct him.
She looked torn. "Are you sure?" she asked hesitantly, not wanting to impose on Fred's busy schedule, while loving the idea of taking an afternoon off to spend time with her son.
"Positive," Fred smiled. "Now go see your kiddo."
"Well, then I'll take you up on that," Jessica smiled. "But don't worry about dinner. Neville already offered to babysit."
Fred smiled and nodded. Neville had been a good impact on Jessica's life and he was happy that he was bonding with Jon. All Neville had to do was summon his Gryffindor courage to ask Jessica out and he'd be golden.
"Before you go Jessica, was last month a good or a bad month? I wasn't here that week."
"She was good last month..." Jessica replied, knowing that Fred was asking how she was since Hermione alternated between good months and bad cycles… "But Hermione sounded like she was barely enduring the wrath of hell when she called... Are you SURE you're okay with her alone?"
"I'll be fine... I know just what to get to make her feel comfortable and make her better," he said, opening the door for Jessica, mentally making the checklist of what Hermione would need.
Hee hee hooo hee hee hooo hee hee hooo
She gnawed on her lip and focused on breathing deeply and evenly. When that hadn't worked, she had taken up the Lamaze technique as pain stabbed through her lower abdomen. Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't a continuous pain. It came in waves. It was sharp, destructive and overwhelming when it hit but when the wave receded, she was left with a numb/dull memory of the pain.
She wasn't suffering from the Cruciatus curse, but from her menstrual cycle.
Hermione had no actual experience with birth contractions, but she had been cursed with the Cruciatus when she was tortured by Bellatrix Lestrange. The pain that was strong enough to blind and drive a person crazy followed by moments of freeing bliss. She firmly stood by her opinion that her cramps were a slightly less painful version of the Cruciatus.
Hermione would have long, uninterrupted moments of peace, before it felt like elves decided to joust and stab within her uterus. It was these moments that would catch her by surprise when the bouts of short, timed, severe stabbing pain wracked her core. Whenever these bouts of pain started, they were immobilizing and blinding in severity, making her want to curl up into a fetal ball, vocalizing her discomfort with whimpers and screams of anguishing pain.
However, after a few of those intense moments, she could stand up, walk around, and appear to function as a normal human being… Well, as "normal" as any girl could be whilst plagued by hormones. She had to consciously struggle to fight the constant underlying urge to strangle all men, or make them feel uncomfortable by using her vast vocabulary to give descriptive explanations of her pain and discomfort while ignoring the strong cravings to find and eat a mountain of chocolate.
She was currently a wreck. She'd been sporting a blinding migraine since she woke up 6 hours ago, three hours prior to the start of her cramps and bleeding.
She was irrationally angry at everything, especially at the men on the television who hadn't done anything except be a little naive for the plot.
She wanted to cry because she realized she'd probably never establish a fraternal bond with a huge lion or tiger like the one in the videos where the lioness hugs and kisses the man.
Plus, she felt bloated, yet was desperately craving an entire dark chocolate cake.
Put that all together and she couldn't stop crying, despite nothing being wrong. She blamed hormones, but how else was she supposed to feel? She was on her period and didn't want to make sense.
When Hermione heard a knock on the front door, she jumped slightly in surprise and immediately groaned in pain as her cramps imitated the feeling of getting kicked in the stomach.
"The spare key is in its usual hiding place!" she called, not wanting to move an inch from her current fetal position on the couch, knowing that would only hurt her more. As another cramp hit her, she gasped in pain and instinctively curled into an even tighter ball, trying to cut out some to the pain. Frustrated at the curse she and all women are forced to endure once a month, she started muttering lowly to herself as she heard the door open. "Why does Mother Nature have to be such a—"
"Language Ms. Granger," a male voice behind her cut off her silent rant.
"Whah?" she started surprise, having expected only Luna or Jessica. "Who?"
"Shhh… Take it easy Mia… It's just me," Fred's calming voice was accompanied by a slight squeeze on her shoulder, indicating that she was okay, and that she shouldn't move.
She closed her eyes and clutched her thin blanket around herself tighter, as she heard him turn on a soft jazz radio station. Keeping her eyes closed, she tried to slowly relax from her tensed position, knowing that her instinctive, tense defensive positions weren't helping the pain ease.
She listened in silence as the sounds of Fred in the kitchen began to accompany the soft jazz. The plastic grocery bags rustling as he took the items out of them; the sound of his shoeless feet shuffling around the room as he put away the various items, and the soft sound of his humming all harmonized perfectly with the music.
Looking at his reflection made by a glare on the television, she watched him clean off the dishes left in the sink and put them in the dishwasher.
"You don't have to do that," she called to him over her shoulder.
"I want to, Mia," he replied, finishing up before coming back into the living room to crouch in front of her. "If I don't take care of you, who will?" he winked. "I gave your assistant the day off, Ginny's in the Caribbean with Harry, Luna and Rolf are busy packing for their next trip, and Ron's a wuss when it comes to taking care of the women in his life. How Lavender survives day-to-day is the one mystery magic can't solve. We all know how her temper can be," he teased lightly in an effort to distract her from her pain by making her smile.
His efforts were briefly rewarded with a chuckle before she clutched her stomach and groaned loudly in pain.
Fred frowned in sympathy and brushed the hair out of her eyes. "Mia... Sweetheart, I'm so sorry you're in this much pain. Have you eaten anything today?"
"No," she whimpered. "I was going to ask Jessica to pick me something up on her way over, but I forgot."
"Well, I don't want to give you the pain potion until you've had something to eat, so I guess it's a good thing that I thought ahead and brought ingredients for tuna salad," Fred smiled comfortingly.
"You did?" she asked in surprise.
"I didn't know what you were craving so I thought I'd cover the basics: chocolate and comfort food," he said as if dealing with her painful periods and raging hormones was an everyday occurrence.
"B-but... It's too much effort to make! Plus, I can never finish a whole batch," Hermione protested.
"That's why I make it for you and you save what you don't eat for Ron to finish later," Fred teased, tapping her nose with his finger as he stood up.
"But I don't have the space to save it!"
"Yes, you do," Fred objected. "You just have a lot of expired food filling up your fridge."
"But—I do?" Hermione asked in surprise.
"Yep," Fred nodded. "But worry not, I'm going to clean your pantry out for you while it chills," he said as he moved to the kitchen and started sorting through the contents of her fridge, pulling out the ingredients he needed. "Now you eat this granola bar so you can take a pain potion and try to get some rest before Mum calls us over for dinner."
"I hate to make you do all that while I just lie here," Hermione's weak protest was overruled by her wince of pain.
"Eat that and sleep," Fred ordered, his tone taking a serious note. "You know you'll need your energy for later tonight. Now you just rest up and I'll hang out and watch TV once I'm done."
"Are you sure?" Hermione checked.
"Positive," Fred smiled, "Now rest."
Hermione smiled at him and burrowed back under her blankets.
Having spent the afternoon on the couch watching her favourite girly movie with Fred, Hermione hauled herself up off the couch and headed to the bathroom to shower. It was definitely going to be a casual outfit for dinner at The Burrow — something light and floaty to ease her discomfort — so she reached for her favourite Gryffindor Quidditch jersey. It wasn't hers, of course, considering nothing in this world would get Hermione Granger onto a broom, but Fred had never asked for it back after she'd borrowed it so it was now an essential part of her monthly wardrobe. She paired the red and gold top with loose-fitting Bermuda shorts and flats.
Regardless of Hermione's aches and stabbing pains, she still considered style a necessity in her life, and automatically reached for a small pair of diamond studs and her mascara. She took a deep breath, willing the aches to ease a little before she'd have to experience the rush of the Floo; she hated the feeling, her stomach heaving with the sudden motion.
Despite her over-casual appearance, her boyfriend still complimented her as she exited her bedroom and headed towards the kitchen to fetch the dish she'd cooked the night before to bring along to The Burrow.
After cleaning up, she was actually doing fairly well pain-wise when she and Fred had arrived at his childhood home. She had even been helping earlier in the kitchen, but had quickly called it quits when her cramps had started up again.
Sensing she needed the rest, Lavender and Fleur had quickly stepped in, offering to help in the kitchen while Hermione rested at the couch. After hearing Hermione wasn't feeling well, Mrs. Weasley shooed her out to the living room.
Molly had never had particularly uncomfortable cycles when she was younger, but she understood that every girl was different. And if she was being honest, she was thrilled that Hermione had finally opened her heart to her troublemaker of a middle child. Molly knew better than anyone that Fred had given his heart to Hermione a long time before Hermione realized she loved him back.
Hermione had been thanking them for taking over when she was hit with a particularly bad cramp. Clutching the counter, she tried to breathe through the blinding pain. She had just gotten through it when Ron walked in and had displayed his infamous foot-in-mouth stupidity when he started complaining that she was just overreacting to the discomfort her cramps were causing her since the other women never seemed to hurt that bad.
After receiving a few particularly well-aimed stinging hexes from Hermione, he had quickly run off to hide behind Bill who had been wise enough to not piss off the girl he viewed as a little sister in all but blood.
Fred and George walked into the kitchen at the sounds of Ron's yelps. They surveyed the situation, looked at each other, and nodded their heads. George had gone upstairs to get Hermione a hot water bottle and Fred had quickly grabbed the bar of dark chocolate he had hidden above the cabinets for special circumstances.
After gifting the chocolate to Hermione, Fred had scooped the girl up and had carried her to the couch, settling her into his lap and embrace as she nibbled at the dark chocolate with almond and seasalt. Fred started rubbing her lower back as she tucked her head in the crook of his neck. He didn't even really thinking about it. It had just become natural for them to be physically close.
"I'm pretty sure it's called PMS because that's easier to say than estrogen-induced manic depressive bipolar disorder, prone to fits of psychopathic rage." Ron muttered as he walked past with a snack, forgetting to wait until he was out of Hermione's earshot. His comment had quickly been rewarded with a well-aimed thrown shoe to the back of his head before his best friend gave him a sarcastically happy hand gesture.
She wasn't really angry with him, but he was being stupid so Hermione felt no remorse. All men were stupid. Especially Ron. Ron was severely stupid. In this case, he may be so stupid, it gets him killed.
"Way to over-react, Hermione! All I'm saying is that it can't hurt worse than getting kicked in the balls," Ron tried to reason as he stuffed his face with a handful of chips from another sofa.
Case in point, Hermione thought.
On most occasions, Hermione Granger prided herself in being the most level-headed of what the Daily Prophet fondly called "the Golden Trio". That wasn't saying she never lost her temper, but she could mostly find a peaceful solution or work out her aggression in the gym before she responded violently to things, like when she punched Draco Malfoy in the nose for being an asshole over Buckbeak.
But that was most of the time. This was one time of the month where her patience naturally wore thin. Unlike her friend, Remus Lupin, it wasn't a time that was easy for others to tell, like when he would get edgy near the full moon. She wasn't a werewolf who had the phases of the moon to tell everyone she was on edge. She just had uncontrollable urges in the form of hormones and she occasionally bled through a layer of clothing if she didn't monitor when to change.
So while it normally took a lot more of Ron's stupidity to piss Hermione off, today she felt stabby. When she had said as much to Fred, Ron was quick to point out that "stabby" wasn't a feeling. He was now the first person she wanted to stab. First Ron, then the rest of mankind. Not womankind; Mother Nature already stabs them monthly. Just men. Men deserve to be stabbed.
"Here you go, Mia. Have another piece of chocolate."
Okay… Women and Fred. Women and Fred were safe, but the rest of humanity was doomed.
"Hey Hermione, would you like this hot water bottle?" George asked as he walked into the room with a hot bottle and pain potion.
So Fred, George, and women everywhere were safe, but everyone else—namely Ron—was doomed. They were going to die.
After accepting George's hot water bottle, she rearranged herself so that her head was in Fred's lap and the hot water bottle was pressed firmly against her lower back. She accepted a bit of the chocolate that Fred had offered and allowed herself to just relax as Fred carded his fingers through her hair. Yanking the throw blanket off of the back of the couch, she settled into a comfortable position, just content to rest with Fred until Molly called them for dinner.
Hermione was so comfortable, she didn't even realize she had dozed off until Fred gently shook her awake. She quickly rubbed the sleep from her eyes and noticed Sirius, Remus, Teddy, and Andromeda had arrived.
After Tonks died in the Battle at Hogwarts, Remus started raising baby Teddy as a single father. That hadn't lasted long before Sirius inserted himself into their family unit by dragging them to Grimmauld Place to live with him.
After the War, the Ministry had made a public statement apologizing to Sirius for wrongful imprisonment without a trial in light of incomparable proof of his innocence. He had taken over his family's seat on the Wizengamot at Hermione's urging and voted as she told him to with the goal of creating real change.
After the curse on the Defense Against the Dark Arts position at Hogwarts had lifted with Voldemort's death, Minerva McGonagall had urged Remus to return to his post. He finally accepted when he saw she was using parent complaints as kindling for her fireplace in the Headmaster's office.
Hermione was the first to admit that she had simultaneously been shocked and not surprised at all when she had walked into the library at Grimmauld Place one Saturday afternoon to find the pair of Marauders making out on the sofa. She had teasingly called them WolfStar and for some odd reason, the couple name stuck since neither was ever really seen without the other.
Hermione was quick to her feet as she swooped in to pick up three-year-old Teddy and coo over him to the amusement of everyone else. She couldn't care less since Ron had a toddler-phobia and Harry and Ginny were on their honeymoon, so they couldn't steal Teddy from her.
Hermione, Fred, and George crowded around Teddy and played with him for the next 15 minutes until Molly called everyone outside for dinner. It was drizzling in typical English fashion. With a flick of her wand, Hermione cast an invisible shielding charm so that everyone could enjoy the cool weather without the wet discomfort.
Hermione loved her extended adopted family more than anything and spending dinners with them at The Burrow was typically her favorite way to unwind. However, today her patience had been worn short from day-long discomfort and Ron's thoughtlessness was wearing it down to a breaking point.
Why he felt the need to broadcast to Sirius, Remus, and Andromeda that she had been "acting dramatically" all day, was beyond her. Throughout dinner, Ron droned on about how she "really couldn't be feeling that bad," "had always been a tab emotional, really" and "that pain couldn't be worse than getting hit down there." If it wasn't for Fred's hand comfortingly resting on her thigh, she probably would have cursed him in the middle of supper.
The only positive side that she could tell was that the pain in her abdomen was easing. She breathed a sigh of relief at the realization that the worst of the pain had passed in the first twelve hours and she'd be as good as new tomorrow.
Somewhere in the middle of Ron continually trying to play the victim card, she was struck with a brilliant and evil idea.
She subtly reached down and grabbed Fred's hand from her thigh to lace her fingers with his. She squeezed his fingers twice to briefly steal his attention from his conversation with George. Leaning over so she could whisper in his ear, he kept his gaze on what George was saying.
"I just had a brilliant idea to get back at Ron, would you and George be interested in helping me after dinner?" she asked her boyfriend in hushed tones. Fred squeezed her hand twice to show his affirmative and kissed her forehead in an attempt to use his normal tendencies towards public displays of affection to help hide their quiet exchange.
Looking across the table from herself, she caught Remus's eye before he leaned over to murmur something quietly to Sirius. She knew immediately that his werewolf hearing had overheard her exchange with Fred when Sirius perked up and winked at her.
She rolled her eyes and nodded her head towards Fred when she mouthed "His shop later." Sirius eagerly nodded and Remus coughed. She knew that with her plan, the more pranksters on her side, the better.
After dessert, Hermione and Fred complimented Molly's cooking, and then excused themselves for the evening. After Ron's dinner-long rant, no one tried to keep them longer and goodbyes were said quickly.
While Hermione hugged Molly, Fred acted as if he just had a revelation.
"Hey Mia, do you mind if we swing by my place? I wanted to grab my notebook so I could write down an idea I had for a potion."
"Of course, Fred," Hermione smiled, understanding he was using that as excuse to Floo over to Weasley's Wizard Wheezes instead of her flat. George had moved out when he married Angelina last year, but Fred still lived above the shop.
After Flooing to the shop, Fred and Hermione only had to wait for thirty minutes before George, Angelina, Sirius, and Remus got there. Teddy had gone home with Andromeda for the night.
Hermione was tired, so she quickly went over the details she had already come up with. Everyone was shocked at first, but once she explained her thoughts behind it, everyone was on-board. Especially the twins who begged her to allow them to use the result as a product for their shop. To her surprise, Sirius and Angelina were the most help in hammering out the finer details. Fred and George recommended a couple potion ingredients that may help with what she wanted to create. Remus was mostly quiet, content to just have his arm around Sirius. Because of this, Hermione was surprised every time he threw out an add-on that was so devious, it cast away any doubt that he deserved the title "Marauder".
After successfully brewing a tester potion and an antidote, Fred offered to be the guinea pig. They realized very quickly that the tester potion was perfect on the first try. It was colorless and tasteless in pumpkin juice and the effects had the desired result. However, the antidote needed two more iterations before it worked. Hermione was pleased to find that by the time they had a proficient antidote three hours later, the natural effects of the initial potion had mostly worn off and Fred was pretty much back to normal without it. That didn't stop him from grabbing the antidote and chugging it for safety's sake.
Seeing it was one in the morning, Hermione quickly confirmed the details of their plan for the next day and sent everyone home after swearing them to secrecy. Fred quickly locked up the shop while Hermione walked upstairs to his flat and brushed her teeth.
They were both curled up in his bed less than 15 minutes after sending everyone home. Fred pulled Hermione from her side of the bed into his arms and kissed her soundly. When he pulled away, she gasped for breath.
"Bloody hell, that potion is brilliant, Mia. Remind me never to piss you off."
"Freddy, you treat me better than I deserve most days, let alone days like today. I can't imagine a single instance where you'd piss me off that much where I'd want to use that on you."
Fred just laughed and pulled her closer. "I'll take that as a challenge. Apparently I'm not keeping you on your toes enough."
Hermione giggled as Fred moved to lay on his back, holding his arm out for her to rearrange herself. Snuggling into his side, Hermione lay her head on his bicep and threw a leg over his hip so it rested between his, and wrapped her arm around his chest.
"I love you, Fred," she whispered.
"I love you too, Mia."
Comfortable in her boyfriend's arms, she pressed a kiss to his chest and let sleep drag her under, smiling at the thought that Ron would fully understand what she went through come morning.
The next morning, Hermione rolled out of bed and rushed to the bathroom to get ready. After quickly showering and changing into a loose-fitting top and leggings, she went to greet Fred with a kiss.
While Fred took his turn in the bathroom to wash up and get ready, Hermione grabbed and carefully placed a few of the potions in her bag. The couple entered the fireplace and Flooed to the Burrow. Since it was a Saturday afternoon, and Harry and Ginny were due to return from their honeymoon, all of the extended family and spouses were gathering at the Burrow for the day.
When Hermione and Fred arrived, they were greeted by Ron, Lavender, Molly, Bill, Fleur, and Charlie. As they were exchanging greetings and kisses with everyone, Arthur walked in and they gave him a hug as well. Molly shooed all of the men into the dining room to chat while hurrying the girls into the kitchen to help her finish cooking and float the large platters to the dining table. By the time they sat down, Remus, Teddy, Sirius, Angelina, and George had arrived.
Breakfast was a slightly less boisterous meal at the Burrow than dinner was, but Hermione still smiled at the loving and lively environment. Hermione smiled wider when she realized this was a perfect opportunity to slip Ron a potion if he opened his mouth.
She didn't have to wait long.
"So, Hermione, it's been 10 minutes and you haven't complained. Are you finally done overreacting?" Ron asked with a smirk as if he had caught her in a lie.
Hermione knew better than to let him rile her up. She just smiled and responded politely, "I'm actually feeling much better today. Thanks for asking, Ronald."
She turned to ask George and Angelina if they had come up with any new baby names. Angelina smiled and rubbed her swollen belly as she laughingly bemoaned the fact that they had just visited the Healer for her seven month check-up on their way to the Burrow that morning.
"It turns out we now have to come up with two names. Apparently baby number two has been hiding behind baby number one all along and we're expecting twins!"
Everyone immediately started congratulating the couple. Angelina waved them off with a laugh, "Did you lot really think that I'd be lucky enough to only have one baby for my first pregnancy when I chose to marry George Weasley?"
Everyone burst into laughter at her dry humor.
Molly leaned forward eagerly, "So what names were you thinking of? Do you know the genders?"
Angelina and George shared a look, before Angelina made a 'go ahead' gesture with her arm.
"We're having two boys! Fred Junior and George Junior!" George announced excitedly. Angelina spewed her pumpkin juice.
"Absolutely not."
Hermione could see they were about to start arguing, so she quickly cut in. "How about trying Fred and George's namesakes instead? How does Fabian and Gideon sound, Angelina? You could call them Fab and Gid for short? It'd be really handy and quick when they get into trouble under their father's tutelage!"
Angelina seemed like she was about to protest, when she paused and stopped to consider. Everyone waited with baited breath as they watched her roll the names soundlessly over her tongue.
"I—I actually think I like that…" Angelina said after a long moment. "Fabian and Gideon the seconds. Fab and Gid… Hermione, I actually think I like that a lot! George what do you—"
George cut her question off with a deep, loving kiss.
"I love you so much, Ang," he said when he pulled away.
"Molly, do you mind if we name our sons after your brothers?" Angelina asked the Weasley matriarch.
Nobody was surprised to see tears streaming down Molly's face.
"Nothing would make me or them happier," she decided.
Noise and cheers erupted around the table. Congratulations and happiness was overflowing from everyone and Hermione saw her opportunity as the noise level went down.
Seeing that Ron had conveniently forgotten their earlier exchange, Hermione offered to refill his empty glass of pumpkin juice.
"Thanks, Hermione," Ron responded, handing her his glass.
As Hermione poured his drink, she shared a look with Sirius across the table. He took the hint and asked Ron a question about his Auror work to distract Ron long enough for Hermione to add her 'special ingredient' to Ron's pumpkin juice, before placing it back in front of him on the table.
Hermione hid her smile in her glass of pumpkin juice as Ron eagerly guzzled his drink to wash down his plate of eggs.
As everyone finished breakfast, Fleur, Lavender, and Hermione helped Molly with the dishes as the boys finished their coffee and Angelina took it easy next to George.
Molly and Arthur had planned for a lunch date before dinner, so they said their farewells and left the younger generation to keep the house together for a day.
"Who wants to go out for a game of Quidditch?" Charlie asked after a few minutes. "It's been a while since we had enough of us here to play!"
Fleur, Bill, Fred, and George all quickly agreed to play. Angelina wanted to but knew it wasn't a good idea in her condition, so she claimed the role of referee and scorekeeper.
Lavender was quick to bow out, saying she had some work to get done for her new fashion line at Madam Malkin's — She had turned into quite the high-end designer since Hogwarts. She quickly said her farewells, kissed Ron on the cheek and then Flooed to her office.
Out of nowhere, Ron burst into tears.
"Why would she leave me like that? Do you think I did something wrong? Doesn't she love me anymore?"
No one knew how to respond. After a moment, Bill decided to try to help.
"I don't think she was upset at you, Ron, I just think she had to go."
"But I wanted her to STAY!" Ron whined through his tears.
"Okay, Ron. I'm sorry she had to go, but we're gonna go play Quidditch now. Do you want to join us to take your mind off of it?" Charlie asked, trying to help a very weird situation.
"NO, I DON'T!" Ron wailed. "I'm so fat, my broom wouldn't hold me up! Why would you even ask that?!"
"Ummm…"
"Ron, how about you and I stay inside? I'm sure Sirius wouldn't mind playing Quidditch today to make the teams even. You can teach me how to be better at Wizard's Chess?" Hermione suggested.
She could tell the pranksters were close to losing it and she didn't want their game to end before they could really get started. That meant the boys had to go out. Without giving him a chance to respond, Hermione shooed the confused Weasleys, Remus, Sirius, and Teddy out back.
When she came back in, she saw Ron crying on the floor by the pantry closet.
"What's wrong now?" she asked him with a raised eyebrow.
"We're out of cereal!" he cried.
Hermione just shook her head with a smile. "Ron, are you a wizard or not? Let me transfigure some bread into cereal for you to have while we play."
Ron shuffled back to the table and summoned his Wizard's Chess board and players. With a flick of his wand, the players set themselves up just as Hermione came back to the table with a large bowl of Choco Krispies.
After a few minutes of playing, Ron seemed to be acting more like himself.
"Man, I don't know what happened earlier. That was way too weird. Maybe it was hormones. Right, Hermione?" he said it as a joke, but Hermione didn't take it lightly.
"Ron, if you've never cried because you thought about all those ants and other tiny bugs you crush everyday without even realizing it, then please don't talk to me about hormones."
Ron looked like he was going to say something else when Remus and Teddy came back inside. Ron and Hermione jumped up when they noticed Teddy was soaking wet.
"What happened?" Hermione worriedly exclaimed.
"Nothing bad," Remus assured them. "Ted just got a little too close to the twins. They've decided that flinging Aguamenti is an appropriate Quidditch tactic. Teddy actually loved playing underneath the shower."
"They WHAT?!" Hermione exclaimed as she rushed towards the back door. "I'm going to kill him! No spells or tricks when flying! I just can't believe he'd… FRED!" Hermione hollered as she went outside.
Ron and Remus chuckled. Ron grimaced and held his stomach.
"You alright?" Remus asked.
"Yeah… I just felt a weird twist in my gut. Maybe I ate something off for breakfast? I'm sure I'll be fine."
Remus nodded and took Teddy upstairs to dry him off. Ron sat back down to look at the chessboard and reevaluate his strategy; he forgot that Hermione had gotten better at chess since they were children.
As he waited, he started squirming uncomfortably. His stomach ache kept getting worse. It almost seemed to come in pulses now and was starting to get painful.
Hermione dragged her boyfriend back in by his ear at the same time that Remus came down the stairs. Her rant at Fred halted when she caught sight of Ron looking incredibly incredibly pale.
"Are you sure you're alright, Ron?" Remus asked.
"M'fine," Ron said shortly before he grimaced again. Nothing at that point seemed more embarrassing than having an awful stomachache.
Remus and Hermione shared a look with a small smirk.
"How about some chocolate then? It helps," Remus suggested as he offered Ron a chocolate bar. Suddenly, it was as if Ron was possessed by the need to have more chocolate. He quickly finished the bar that Remus had offered.
"Do you have any more?" he asked eagerly, his pain forgotten for the moment.
"Not that I'm willing to share," Remus said with a short laugh.
"Let me check if we have any ice cream," Ron said after a moment making a beeline for the kitchen.
The 3 pranksters looked at each other for a minute and took the opportunity to let out their amusement in some quiet chuckles.
Suddenly they heard a wail from the kitchen right before Ron reappeared.
"We only have vanilla," he informed them with a pout. "Not even a Choc Ice with a chocolate shell. Just plain, boring vanilla. I wanted mint chocolate chip."
Fred couldn't hold in his bark of laughter at the look on his younger brother's face.
"Just give me a minute, Ron, and I'll pop over to Mia's place. I bought her some mint chocolate chip yesterday and she hasn't opened it yet."
"Really?" Ron immediately perked up as if Fred had offered to fetch him the moon. "You'd do that?"
"Sure, little bro!" Fred smiled, stepping into the fireplace. "Just give me a minute." Ron immediately burst into tears as the green flames surrounded Fred. "He's never been so nice to me," he tried to explain through his tears.
Hermione and Remus couldn't help their laughter at that.
Before Ron could get even more upset, Fred returned with his ice cream and Ron lit up like a Christmas tree as he dug into the tub.
Fred walked over with a chocolate bar for Hermione. "I'm sorry?" he smiled as he offered it to her. Hermione rolled her eyes and accepted the small peace offering.
"Just play fairly next time," she tried to compromise.
"No bludgers. Yes Aguamenti," he replied as if it were common sense, just as everyone else came in from outside.
"No Aguamenti," they all said in unison.
While his family chattered about the game around him, Ron paused in his indulgence of his cold treat to rub at his stomach, then back. At first, his stomach ache had only been uncomfortable every few minutes, but it was steadily getting worse. It was a slow enough progression that he thought he was fine until the discomfort and pain became too much.
"I really don't feel good," he muttered.
"If you don't feel good, then maybe you should lay off the ice cream, Ron," Percy said as he and his wife, Audrey, walked in. Everyone stood up to greet them with kisses on the cheek and claps on the shoulder.
"Bugger off," Ron practically growled. "Just leave me alone, Percy."
Percy looked briefly indignant, then just gave up. It wasn't worth a fight.
"Do you want me to cast a pain-relief charm, Ron?" Hermione offered. "We're out of potion and it might help you to feel better. You look really pale."
"Thanks, Hermione," Ron said as Hermione waved her wand at him.
Hermione internally smiled as she cast the pain-relief charm. What only women seemed to know was that it didn't work on period cramps; it actually had the reverse effect. A negative side-effect were intermittent cramps that happened naturally every few minutes steadily grew worse. The effect was slow enough that Ron thought it had worked at first, but he was rolling and groaning on the floor within 10 minutes.
"I must be dying," Ron decided. "The pain is so bad I can't even walk. What the bloody hell happened to your charm, Hermione? We all know you can't cook for shit, but can you not cast spells now either?"
Hermione stood up from their chess game angrily. "First, NO ONE could cook when we were on the run since we had nothing to season with! You didn't seem to mind my cooking when you were scarfing down my potato salad last night! And, secondly, I cast the pain-relief charm perfectly! If you doubt me so much, then ask one of your brothers to cast it for you! If you don't want my help, I won't help you!"
She huffed as she stepped over his prone body on the floor so she could go curl up with Fred on the couch. By the time she got to her boyfriend, he yanked her onto his lap and leaned her back against the armrest of the sofa so they could cuddle comfortably close while he chatted with George and she read a book. Without even thinking about it, he slipped her socks off and started rubbing her feet. After dating for the last two years, they were more comfortable being physically connected in some way than not.
Just as Ron started to moan and groan about how his life was ending and he was going to die from pain, Ginny and Harry walked in.
To say the newlyweds were confused would be an understatement. After two weeks in the Caribbean, they had come home to find Ron writhing on the floor as if he was being tortured, Hermione calmly reading a book while nestled in Fred's arms, and everyone else setting the table for lunch. For some reason, half the family was soaked.
Before they could question what was going on, Hermione was off the couch and flying towards them for a hug.
"I've missed you both so much! How was the Caribbean? Did you go snorkeling like I suggested? Or did you just stay in your room the whole time?" She aimed the last question at Ginny with a wink. Both Harry and Ginny could tell she was already at her "ignore Ron even exists as he's being ridiculous" point.
Ginny started to answer Hermione's questions when Ron reached a new level of complaints and broke Hermione's patience.
"Oh, for the love of Merlin's hairy ball sacks, Ronald! It's not that bad! Just get a glass of water and you'll be right as rain!"
But I can'ttt…" he whined. "I'm dying and my stomach hurts! Someone just Avada me so I can feel the sweet relief of death… or just bring me a knife from the kitchen and I'll do it myself."
At his last comment, the other Weasleys who had been there the night before realized what had been wrong with Ron all day. While Hermione was still acting prim, proper, and innocent, a quick look at Fred, George, Remus, and Sirius, confirmed their suspicions.
Ron had been slipped something or cursed so that he'd experience what girls went through on their period.
The family immediately dissolved into laughter, making Ginny and Harry even more confused. Ron was just groaning and pouting on the floor.
"I'm seriously in pain and you guys are just being unsympathetic and laughing at me!"
"It seriously serves you right for how you were treating Hermione last night," Charlie countered, somewhat seriously.
"What does that have to do with anything?" Ron exclaimed confused.
"SOMEONE EXPLAIN WHAT'S GOING ON THIS SECOND OR I SWEAR I'M BAT-BOGEY HEXING ALL OF YOU!" Ginny exclaimed.
Bill — still chortling — explained how Ron had been horribly insensitive to Hermione the night before. "She must have finally gotten pissed at him and made a way for him to feel her pain," he concluded. "But how'd you do it, Hermione?" he asked, putting an arm around Fleur.
"I made a potion," she said simply, not even deeming it necessary to look up from her book. While Bill had been explaining, she had re-settled herself on the couch.
Harry went white. In his new "bonding" afternoons with his cousin, Dudley had shown him a video of "some right stupid prats" who had willingly hooked themselves up to a labor-simulator to experience their wives' discomforts when giving birth. He didn't figure it would be much better if Hermione was inventing it to be ingested.
Reaching the end of the page, Hermione glanced up and explained further. "It really was a low dose though. The only reason he's reacting like this is because he asked for a pain-relief charm."
Ginny laughed. "And you gave it to him eagerly, I presume?"
"I might have offered it," Hermione smiled.
Ginny burst into laughter. "Devious," she said. "I approve."
"What does that mean?" Percy questioned.
"Anyone who haz a cycle knows zat ze pain-relief charm enhances ze cramps, not healz," Fleur explained with a smile. Her cycle had also always been a little painful, but not nearly as bad as Hermione's, so she heartily approved of Ron's predicament. "I'm betting zat when Mia cast ze charm, it lengthened the duration of ze potion?"
Hermione smiled and nodded at Fleur's intuitiveness. Once Hermione had gotten over her childhood jealousy over the other witch's appearance, the two had become fast friends with sister-like closeness. Hermione shouldn't have been surprised that Fleur hadn't been picked for the Triwizard tournament for her looks, but she was pleased by the knowledge hidden behind Fleur's blonde hair.
"I want to try one!" Ginny suddenly demanded.
"What?" Angelina exclaimed in surprise. "But why?"
"Because I want to try it and use it as a judgement for how badly I'm going to chew Ron out for being a bad friend. Plus, I know Hermione will have already developed an antidote. I'm due to start in a couple days anyway, so if it triggers my cycle, then no lasting damage done."
Hermione said nothing in response to Ginny's reasoning, but held out a second vial for Ginny to take, nonetheless.
Ginny downed it in one go. "Now let's have lunch," she declared. "I want to have a full belly before I decide how badly I'm going to hex Ron."
Knowing the redhead's fiery temper, no one argued — not even Ron. Now that he had more water in his system, and knew what was going on, he was trying to be a bit quieter to help salvage his dignity. His constant wiggling in his chair gave up his feint at being fine.
The family set the table up outside to enjoy the fresh air. Harry and Ginny started telling everyone about their favorite parts of the Caribbean and everyone talked over each other to fill the couple in on what they had missed while out of the country.
After a couple of minutes, Ginny winced and bent over a bit. She could feel the contraction-like pressure low in her stomach and she moved a hand to apply pressure to her stomach. After a moment, the pain went away. Shrugging it off, she kept eating. A few minutes later, she felt the pressure again for a few seconds before it went away. By the time lunch was over she was seething at Ron.
"You insensitive prat! You should know that you got off easy! That was barely more than what I go through, and I know Hermione's are worse!"
"Okay, I never said that she wasn't in pain. I just thought Hermione was overreacting for a bit for attention from Fred," Ron tried to defend himself.
"Since when has Hermione EVER overreacted for attention? Even for attention from Fred? Especially for attention from Fred? You should know by now that out of you, Harry, and Hermione, you are the drama queen in your group, not her, Ronald!"
"That damn potion made me cry a lot! She never did that!"
"For goodness' sake, Ron! I once cussed at a butterfly because it flew in my path when I was walking. An hour later I felt so guilty I started crying. Do you think I'M overreacting?!"
"Well—"
"Don't even THINK about finishing that sentence, Ronald," Ginny snarled, her voice dripping with menace. "Do you even have any IDEA of what we go through every month? It's not just the pain or weepyness you experienced today. We bleed non-stop for 4 days straight; we have cramps, thoughts of murder, crying sessions, wanting tacos, feeling sick after eating tacos, screeching like a dinosaur, passing out in bed, waking up hours later demanding food and attention, then hissing at anyone who approaches. And it's something that you could never understand because you don't go through it!
"You forgot the part where you want to set everyone on fire, Gin," Hermione chimed in.
"That too!" Ginny agreed, vehemently.
"I once screamed at Bill for breathing," Fleur volunteered. "Everyzing soundz a million times louder when you're on your period and he vas driving me inzane. I zen started crying because I felt so bad and he just laughed at me."
"When I'm craving something, and George just happens to have it for me, I cry because I'm so happy," Angelina pitched in. "I also get so damn horny, but I simultaneously feel gross and want to cut his arm off for touching me."
"Oh, my goodness, yes! The fact that I get ungodly horny during my period will go down as one of the 21st century's greatest injustices… Like, Harry could come to my door in tight jeans, no shirt, and a hammer tucked through a belt loop telling me—"
"OUR POINT—" Hermione said loudly as she cut Ginny's thought train off, "—is that you should try to grow an ounce of compassion, Ron, and try to think before fucking opening your mouth. And maybe just bring us chocolate instead of criticizing us next time, Ron. It's not hard to not be an ass! Just do what your father, brothers, Remus, and Sirius do — be smart."
Hermione stood up and walked back to her bag to collect a bottle of the midnight-blue antidote. She handed one over to Ginny before turning to Ron. With a smirk, she unstoppered it and poured it into the grass at her feet.
"What the hell, Hermione?!" Ron gaped at her angrily.
"Your dose will wear off by dinner," she waved him off. "May I suggest a nap until then?"
"Why'd you pour the antidote out? I apologized and learned my lesson!"
"I didn't hear a single apology, Ron," she countered. "Instead, I just heard more hurtful and rude comments today when I haven't said a single thing about my discomfort. Only nice people get immediate antidotes and relief. Besides, "the pain can't be that bad" so you should be fine. Actually..." she considered a moment. "A nap sounds fantastic. Fred would you like to join me in an afternoon nap at my place before dinner?"
Fred needed no more motivation to scoop up his girlfriend and carry her to the Apparition point. The last thing anyone heard was her laughter before a loud pop signalled their departure.
Everyone else rolled their eyes and started cleaning up. Ron just slipped inside to hide his embarrassment in his room; a nap to wipe his pain away didn't seem like a bad idea at all.
Harry made a mental note to ALWAYS take care of Ginny and NEVER judge her, lest she talk to Hermione and get a dose of that potion.
The End.
FINAL AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm so proud of this story! It has been YEARS in the making. It may not be my best piece, but it's one I'm proud to have finished! It was originally two different stories with two different concepts. I'm so happy with how it's seamlessly blended together to complete both as one.
The "caring boyfriend taking care of his girlfriend as she is suffering" part came from my own experience and the desire to turn something horrible into something sweet. That was originally going to be a Camp Rock story targeted with the concept of describing poetically what she ACTUALLY goes through. But it sat on my computer unfinished forever.
And then I had a different idea to make Ron and Harry try out the labor-simulators after accidentally calling their girlfriends whiny on their synchronized periods.
And then, four weeks ago, I realized that I could put the two in-progress stories together with a little (a LOT) of editing and additional scenes! And now it's complete and you have Stabby and Hormonal!