Things the Team Learn from Each Other
1 Dinosaur droppings have a tendency to explode if microwaved
2 Janet does not respond well to weevil masks
3 Janet will proceed to go into unstoppable frenzy if faced with weevil mask
4 The rift does not respond well to golf balls hit into it
5 The rift will return golf balls with double force into the golfer's crotch or forehead
6 Do not pull a prank on Ianto unless you want to live on decaf for a while
7 And pterodactyl food
8 Using a modern insult on Tosh is like telling a brick wall its bricks are off-colour
9 Kidnapping someone in the middle of the night is not a appropriate prank
10 Gwen packs a mighty punch when insulted or kidnapped
11 Only let Owen near the kitchen if you want something to explode
12 If Tosh drags herself to work complaining of slight joint pain she's probably
broken her kneecap
13 You must never talk about the bunny
14 Once you understand and accept the fact that the medical machinery only responds
to Owen, we can all get along
15 Band-Aids don't keep head wounds closed
16 The loss of limb will not be fobbed off as 'just a flesh wound'.
17 Dinosaurs like the taste of freshly dismembered limbs
18 Once dinosaurs get used to the taste of freshly dismembered limbs, they may or
may not attempt to dismember further limbs for extended enjoyment
19 Humans were never meant to ride pterodactyls
20 Neither were Time Lords ever meant to ride pterodactyls
21 The laws of physics are facts, not challenges
22 Even if you are a twat you don't order pizza under 'Torchwood' unless you want a
dark-haired, Welsh, policewoman to track you down and try to infiltrate your base
23 Always buy quality birth control
24 Never misjudge the importance of 'Don't feed the animals' signs at the zoo
25 The base does not require a crocodile in river, no matter what Owen says
26 The resident prehistoric animal will object when attempts are made to introduce another similar animal to the area
27 There is never enough chocolate in the hub
28 Computers don't appreciate melted chocolate in the keyboard
29 Efforts to extricate chocolate from the grasp of a woman WILL prove harmful and/or fatal
30 Pretending that the corpses in the morgue are rising from the dead is very hard to rig up
31 You must be careful to remember that you have rigged up such a scene to avoid giving yourself a heart attack at two in the morning when you stumble in after a hard night's drinking
32 A jelly swimming pool in what were previously underground living quarters is very hard to drain and unstick
33 If you don't inform your childlike companions that you're removing their jelly swimming pool from what were previously living quarters, they may not take the surprise too well when they arrive expecting a sticky swim
34 You do not require a theme song
35 Gwen will kill you if you hum said theme song every second of the waking day
36 You will wake up in a cell with the theme song blaring at you in full volume from speakers just outside the cell door and left there to rot for as long as Gwen sees fit
37 Never turn your cell phone off
38 Unless you want Jack to half strangle you when he finds you ok and lock you in the cell next to the weevil
39 Torchwood will pay you when it wants to
40 Never ask what's in Jack's second right hand draw for fear of death
41 Ianto's titles for inanimate objects are under no circumstances to be challenged or discussed
42 No matter how much Owen or John want to have a Torchwood orgy it's never going to happen
43 Sometimes it's hard to tell if Jack is genuinely upset, but if you continue to do whatever you're doing and it's the wrong decision, you'll wake up in a hospital bed for your troubles
44 No matter how much you persuade them, Janet and Myfanwy will not engage in a battle to the death
45 Under no circumstance are you to stun gun a condom
46 Especially a full one
47 The five second rule does not apply in the hub; you never know what's been there
48 It's safer to feed it to Janet
49 Janet goes freaky when she eats meat lovers pizza
50 Janet goes freakier when she eats vegetarian pizza