Title: I Dreamed a Dream
Author: kaly
Characters/Parings: Jack/Ianto
Word Count: 1275
Rating: PG
Warnings: angst
Spoilers: Children of Earth: Days Four and Five (seriously - major)
Summary: A week later, Jack returns to Cardiff.
Disclaimer: Not mine, just playing.
Notes: Inspired by a line in "The Dead Line." Falls prior to the CoE: Day Five coda.
You can count this among the therapy-for-the-author stories. Thanks to sheltiesong for reading over it for me.
I Dreamed a Dream
A week after the world went to Hell Jack finally made it back to Cardiff. In that time he had done his best not to stop, not to think, and above all else not to sleep. He had done what he had to do, made neither friends nor apologies about that. Jack had been on autopilot, nothing more.
After arriving in Cardiff, even if he had no intention of staying long or seeing anyone, Jack had gone directly to the Hub, or rather, what remained of it. Standing at the edge of the crater, staring into the depths what had been his home for more years than he wanted to count, tears burned at his eyes until he could see no more.
Jack lost track of the time he stood there, overwhelmed by the memories of those he had known - and lost - within those walls. Absently he wondered if Myfanwy had escaped, but thinking of her brought thoughts of Ianto and Jack choked them back.
Unable to stand it, Jack fled, unheeding of where his feet took him. A war-weary city greeted him as he walked, unable to meet anyone's eyes. Exhaustion dogged his steps, but he couldn't stop moving, wanting to escape. If he stopped, he might sleep. Even he desperately needed to sleep, admittedly not as much as most, but he feared what awaited him when he did.
So much had happened. So much had been lost...
Suddenly Jack stopped, finally paying attention to where his blind trek had led him, and he choked back a sob - he was standing in front of the door to Ianto's building. Just inside and three floors up, was the modest flat that they spent far too little time in. And now...
Jack clenched his jaw, blinking furiously against the burn of ever-present tears whenever he thought of his young lover, gone far too soon. Without thinking, Jack opened the front door and climbed the stairs until he was standing at Ianto's door. Someone would have to deal with the belongings inside soon, but Jack didn't care.
Not for the first time, staring at the closed door, Jack mourned the loss of his Vortex Manipulator. Ianto had given him a key months before, and Jack had hidden it inside the wristband for safe keeping, and it was lost along with so much else. It was gone along with everything else.
Ianto. Stephen.
He felt dead inside, even if he couldn't die.
Shaking his head, accomplishing nothing against the cobwebs crowding it, Jack pulled out a knife and jimmied the door open. It swung open and for a moment Jack just stared, scared to move, afraid to breathe.
The last time he had been inside, Ianto had been yelling at him for making them late to work. Jack had laughed, ruffling his hair before dancing out of reach, happy to see Ianto smiling at his antics. They had been late to work, and Gwen had smiled knowingly and Ianto had blushed in turn. It was perfect.
Throat tight, Jack pushed back the memories and took the final steps to enter the flat. Closing the door behind him, he leaned against it for a moment, staring skyward. His legs felt weak, and he wrapped his arms around his chest, trembling. He could see and hear Ianto in every corner of the flat - happy, sad, trembling in ecstasy and despair.
Stumbling, he sought out the bedroom, collapsing onto the carefully made bed. Still wearing his coat - the one Ianto had sought out for him, Jack thought with a sob - he grabbed Ianto's pillow and pressed it to his face.
Emotions that he had refused for days could no longer be held back. Surrounded by the smell of his lover, that he knew from experience would fade far too soon, sobs wracked him and tears burned his cheeks.
He was tired, so very tired, and had been since waking in the makeshift morgue beside Ianto. It wasn't the first time he had come back to life, only to wish himself dead, nor would it be the last. But that didn't mean it hurt any less.
Finally still, surrounded by all he had left of the man he had loved and lost, Jack found he could no longer fight the exhaustion and gave in to the pull of sleep.
Jack found himself surrounded by an empty white, just the opposite of when he died. Turning in a circle, he could see no landmarks, there was nothing familiar. Motion suddenly caught his eye, and he turned quickly and gasped.
"Ianto."
The younger man smiled, quirking an eyebrow and nodding slightly. "Hello, Jack."
Jack blinked, vision swimming but unable to tear his eyes away. Holding his breath, Jack waited for the punch line, for the other shoe to drop. When nothing happened, he rushed forward, wrapping his arms around Ianto and squeezing until he thought the other man might break.
A shuddering breath ripped through his throat, gasping for air around tears that returned with a vengeance. "Oh, God," Jack said, threading his fingers through Ianto's hair and pressing his face against Ianto's throat.
Knowing it was a dream, but not caring, Jack refused to let go, only leaning away far enough to cover Ianto's mouth with his own. The kiss was rushed and frantic, and Jack broke away, gasping only to stare at Ianto's face. He was perfect.
The other man smiled softly. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
Shaking his head, Jack swallowed audibly. "I am. Oh, God, Ianto." Guilt washed over him. "I need you."
Ianto pressed his hand between them, against Jack's chest. "I'm here. I'll always be here if you remember."
"But I need you here," Jack said, pressing their foreheads together. "How am I supposed to do this without you?"
"You're strong, Jack." Ianto smiled, cupping Jack's cheek in his hand. "Please remember that I love you?"
Chest tight with shame, Jack pressed his eyes closed. "I never told you. I never said..."
"I knew."
"I was scared," Jack said, unheeding of Ianto's absolution, knowing it to be his dream's wish fulfillment. "You were the first I'd loved in so long, before I even realized I did. I couldn't say..." staring into the blue eyes he knew better than his own, knowing it wasn't real and Ianto would never hear, he managed the words in death that he never could in life.
"I love you."
Another smile, the soft, tilt of lips that always warmed Jack's chest. "I knew," he repeated. "Deep down, somewhere underneath the insecurity, and the doubt."
Jack clenched his eyes shut, his throat burning. Oh how much he hoped Ianto did know - he certainly hadn't been the best at giving him reason to believe.
"Stay with me?"
"For as long as you can dream." Ianto looked thoughtful, before tracing Jack's eyebrow with his thumb. "I used to wonder if you dreamt of me."
"I know," Jack admitted. He had hated hearing the broken words Ianto had spoken at his bedside all those weeks ago, that felt like eons. "I dreamt of you, so often." His voice broke, "I'm dreaming of you now."
Ianto's eyes burned bright, and he sniffed. "I'm glad. Hold me?"
His heart breaking, Jack nodded, wishing with everything he was he truly was holding Ianto, warm and safe and alive in his arms. Wrapping his arms around Ianto once more, they swayed back and forth to music only they could hear.
Tears in his eyes, Jack whispered, "Always."
In Ianto's apartment, Jack slept far more peacefully than he would have believed possible - dreaming of Ianto and a place where things weren't cold and empty and wrong. Arms around Ianto's pillow, tear tracks on his cheeks, he dreamt of Ianto.
And although it was only for the briefest of moments, Jack smiled.
end