No one really thinks twice about it anymore because it happens so often, too often. And with Nate gone we don't even have a psychologist around anymore so it's not like anyone's demanding we talk about it. Oh, I'm talking about killing someone by the way, not in cold blood obviously, but when the four of us enter a building we know is filled with terrorists, or we end up in a fire fight with them. It just happens. We have to protect ourselves and each other. I can't even hesitate, and then I usually don't even have time to do anything else except check his pulse, kick the gun away, and move on. It's only after we've cleared all the rooms, and made sure all suspects are secure that I even have time to breathe. Obviously I'm not going to show how I really feel after I shoot and kill someone in front of the guys and they're not going to show how they feel in front of any of us, but every once and a while we see the flickers of pain in each other's eyes. I know it. But it's never mentioned.
Like the last case we had that basically ended with us having to go into the warehouse building, essentially blind. There were ten of them and four of us. Clearly we won. But I killed two men, maybe three because there was one Deeks and I both hit, anyway, I killed at least two men, as did the rest of the team. This was one of the times we could see the hurt in each other's eyes for a flicker of a second. We made sure everything was cleared again before we let the ME's team come in to process the scene, then we left to go back to Ops. Well, of course it was never, ever discussed how we all felt about taking other people's lives, but Hetty always called us individually into her office and asked us if we were okay. Of course our answers were always "I'm fine", and of course she never fully believed it, she let it go like she did. Sometimes I only think she let us off because she knew we still functioned great as a team, and sometimes I think she let us off because she actually could see how hurt we were. Either way, my walls were never coming down in front of anyone. I'd built them up and haven't torn them down since my dad died. That's just who I am. Kensi Blye doesn't break in front of anyone, hell; Kensi Blye barely breaks in general.
But, you have to also understand, it's not like I was totally completely broken up by taking the lives of men who were about to take mine and the guys. No, it wasn't that…it's just the fact that you never get used to taking a life. Never. No matter who it is. It's such a powerful thing, and usually I'm okay with it, I try to forget it, but for some reason this case was just….a lot different.
So, yes, this case wasn't different from the others. One by one Hetty called us into her office and asked if we were okay, and obviously we all said we were fine and she let it go. I chatted with Nell while I waited for my turn. You should first know that since Nell joined NCIS we've become really, really, close and we hang out a lot; she's basically my best friend. Yet, I've never shown her my vulnerable side and I don't really know if I should. So, okay, back to the present, I'm talking with Nell. "Want me to come over tonight? I can bring movies, and we can eat tons of food that's bad for us?" She said it in such a way that made me think that maybe she knew how I was feeling that the moment, that all I wanted to do was go home and break, that it's been a struggle to not since I killed those men. I tried to reply in such a way that would make her stop thinking I wasn't okay. "Uhm, maybe, I don't know I'm pretty tired, so, maybe next weekend." Damn. That obviously didn't convince her I was okay, I could see it. But I was saved by the Hetty.
"Miss. Blye, I know your usual answer will be 'I'm fine' but I won't buy it this time."
"Come on Hetty, I'm seriously fine. I'm okay. I promise."
"The only reason I am letting you go home is because it is late. But I won't let this go. Talk to me tomorrow."
"Yeah, Hetty, see you tomorrow."