Leon pours the bourbon till it reaches halfway up the jar then stops. He leans on the kitchen counter, staring at the jar of the cheapest crap he could get, and pretends as if this isn't all too familiar.
Drinking excessively has never been his thing. He saw what alcohol did to people in Chicago, and what happened to them because of it. He and Jackie tried so hard to steer Jared and Kayla in the right direction, is this really the solution to his problem?
The last bottle of liquor he bought has been sitting in a cabinet for two years untouched due to the sheer exhaustion that overwhelms him when he gets home. Why would he even consider it now? The kids are asleep just metres down the hall with no clue as to the maelstrom forming in his mind.
He remembers getting a phone call from Gibbs many years ago and finding him halfway to death by intoxication in his basement, the look in his eyes one of exhaustion, loss, and desperation.
I was trying to make the pain end, Gibbs told him. It hurts too much without them.
He's never seen Gibbs like that since, and perhaps it's the message he's been looking for this whole time. Leon grabs the jar, takes two mouthfuls, and tips the rest down the sink. The afterburn and the coughing fit that follows remind him why he hasn't hit the bottle already: he hates the taste, the head buzz, and he hates the feeling of uselessness that comes with intoxication.
"Leon, you got a phone call." Jackie's voice rings in his ears, but it's not her. It can't be. Leon blinks away the subconscious desire to turn back time and remembers one of the agents on his security detail is in the house too.
The agent's voice is clearer this time as they call out to him. "Boss?"
This pain will be with him for the rest of his life. Erasing it for all of a couple hours will do nothing for the long term. Even if they'd never had kids, he'd have still lost Jackie. He'd still be in this for the long haul.
As permanent as pain is, it fades given time. Time is something he has plenty of, so he dumps the rest of the bourbon in the bin and walks out of the kitchen. His shoulders might be heavy and his chest damn sure feels like it's about to explode, but Leon won't surrender this fight so early in the round.
"I'm coming!"