Don't you dare to leave me!
„Neil, I will come with you" Tommys voice sounded broken. He was not able to wrap his mind about what Neil just told him. Neil was crying and Tommy felt like he was about to faint. Neil told him he was on his way to get him. They were both not able to drive themselves, so he got a car to get them. As soon as the car arrived, Tommy jumped in and pulled Neil in a hug. "Does anybody else know?" Neil shook his head. "I couldn't... we have to be sure he is dead. We have to be sure..." Tommy just stared at him. He has never seen Neil like this before.
Neil called him one hour ago. Adams car was involved in a car accident. The driver was dead. The police called Neil to come to identify Adam. They were sure it was Adam, but they needed a relative to verify it. Now Neil and Tommy were on their way to see Adam. Tommy was not able to form the thought 'Adam is dead' in his head. Everytime he tried, he felt like he couldn't breathe. It didn't feel like Adam was not here anymore. But as his father died he also didn't feel like something changed, didn't feel him dying. He got to know it first when his sister called him. Tommy looked over to Neil who was shaking and biting his nails. It scared Tommy to see Neil like this, completely out of control. In this point the Lamberts brothers were the same: always in control.
Tommy looked out of the window. He wished so badly Adam was here to take control of the situation. To make them feel better. He was always the one to ground them. But this time it was about Adam. Tommy could feel tears on his cheeks. Why did this happen? Why Adam? Why now?
Why didn't he have the chance to talk to Adam? They haven't seen each other since days. Now it seemed like it was since weeks. Adam was busy working on his album, Tommy was busy doing gigs. Everything was ok. It seemed like there was no hurry to say something. They didn't speak about them the last months and Tommy thought he had all the time in the world. How could he be so fucking wrong? It was almost like he missed the chance to be happy, even if it would have been for just a short time. Now it was like Tommy let Adam go with a lie between them. Tommy would never have the chance to change this.
Neil was now sobbing loudly and Tommy pulled him in his arms. His own tears were running down his face. He didn't care. Neil was bubbling. "We have to be sure. Can't call mom yet. He could still be alive. Maybe it's a mistake. It must be a mistake. I can still feel him. He is still here. He is here." Neil pulled away and took his phone to call Adam. Something like hope was on his face. The phone was ringing for a while, Adam didn't answer. Neil started to cry even more when he heard Adams voice on the mailbox. "He can't be dead! He just can't! I would know it, wouldn't I? " Tommy had no answer for this and they couldn't stop crying, both clinging on each other like two drowning men.
When they arrived to the police department they were both barely able to think straight. They got in the building and someone lead them through the halls. A woman tried to speak to Neil. But the only thing he said over and over again was, "I need to see him. I must be sure." She nodded and stopped talking.
Tommy felt like he would vomit any minute now. It was like a horror movie and he wished he could turn it off. They had to wait for a few minutes and sat down on a table. Tommy covered his face with his hands. He tried so hard to stop the thoughts from spinning around in his head. It was like he would watch a movie about the last year. It started about how he met Adam. He was not really nervous because he had a meeting with Adam Fucking Lambert. He was nervous because this was a chance to change his life. He was not a fan of Idol and he has just seen some of performance of Adam after his cousin talked him into it. But he knew Adam was something special, a great singer with an amazing charisma. And then he got the opportunity to meet him. And meeting Adam in real was almost something unreal. He felt the connection in the second he came in the room. For a long time he said it was friendship at first sight. Now he knew it was love at first sight. He was lost the minute he looked in Adams eyes and Adam smiled at him.
Then Tommy remembered how amazing the time on tour was, a crazy ride around the world. And he remembered how he slowly fell for Adam. How they have gotten closer and closer, how the lines of their friendship started to blurr. Anyone who would know that Tommy was in love with Adam would think that it happened because of all those kisses and touches. But it was not like that. It didn't happen on stage. The antics on stage were really only for entertainment. They talked about when and how they wanted to do them. Some happened unplanned but still not out of something else then entertainment. No, Tommy didn't fall for Adam on the stage; he met offstage the other Adam, the private Adam. He got to know the man who was caring and sensitive; someone who was able to say everything without using any words. Tommy was never a man of words. And Adam had the sense to feel when Tommy needed a friend. He didn't ask, he didn't try to make Tommy talk. He was just there for Tommy. He locked the world out and was just waiting for Tommy to open up to him. Sometimes it lasted hours, sometimes it took just a hug and he was able to break open.
And somehow the friendship took a step back and let love take over. And Tommy started to fight against it. And the more he was struggling the more he was falling. The more he wanted to move away from Adams spell the more Adam was captivating him. And then he accepted the feelings, he accepted the love. He started to embrace it like his own small big secret. But he was not able to let Adam know how he felt. He was waiting for something, for anything. He didn't even know for what at all. But he was too afraid to make things awkward between them. And now he knew he would never have the possibility to tell Adam how he felt. He didn't know how to get over it. How would he ever be able to live with that?
Then they were in a room where the bodies were brought in for the identification. The smell of death was in the air. An old man told them to come with him. He was trying to make it easier for them. They should be prepared for what they would get to see. He told them that the man was badly injured and that they will have to take a good and close look to be able to recognize him. Neil started to cry again. "I can't do this. I can't." He stepped back while his whole body was shaking. Tommy turned around to him and pulled him in a hug. "Neil, calm down. Shhh, I will look first." Neil looked at Tommy. "Really?" Tommy nodded. He couldn't really believe what he just said, but Neil nodded quickly and stepped further away until he was on the other side of the room. Then he stayed there in the darkness.
The old man nodded to Tommy and pulled a big drawer out of a closet on the wall. There was someone laying on it in a body bag. There was nothing to see yet, just a shape of a body, but still it was almost too much for Tommy. Just the imagination to see Adams body in this bag was horrrible. "Are you ready?" The man asked. Tommy thought for a few seconds about how he could ever be ready for something like that. How can you be ready to see the person you love so much dead in a bag? He clenched his fists and took a deep breathe. Then he looked over to the man and nodded. "Ok, I will open the bag. You can take your time to look at him. You need to be sure that it is really Mr. Lambert. So take your time, son." Tommy nodded one more time and tears started to push in his eyes again.
The old man started to unzipp the bag. Tommy closed his eyes to regain himself to be able to do this. He kept breathing in and out and managed it to stop the tears. He could still hear Neil on the other side of the room sobbing. Then he opened his eyes. The bag was open now and Tommy took a look. He saw a face and blinked the last tears away to be able to see. The face was covered over and over in bruises and cuts. The first seconds he was not able to see anything else but the cuts and the dried blood.
Then he let his eyes wander over the face. The man had dark hair but it was so messed up with blood so Tommy couldn't even say what color it really was. Was it really black? The eyes were closed and the eyelids were swollen. Was there smudged eyeliner under his eyes? Tommy had to force himself to keep looking on the face. The nose of the man was also swollen and there was no chance to say what it would look like when it wouldn't be damaged. Was it Adams nose?
Tommy closed his eyes again. He tried to calm down. How would he be able to say if this was Adam. The face was in such a bad constitution, how could he manage to say if this was really Adam?
Tommy forced himself to imagine Adams face behind his closed eyes. It was painful. In his imagination he let his eyes wander over Adams face and he was so scared he would never see this face again. His heart was breaking. And out of nowhere he reminded himself of the freckles on Adams lips. He opened his eyes and looked down on the smashed face right in front of him. His lips were intact, but there was some blood on them. "I need to see his lips. Can you... I don't know… Is it possible you…wipe the blood away?" The old man nodded and got some tissues to clean the face.
Tommy closed his eyes again while the man was doing his job. Behind his eyelids he could see Adam right in front of him. He saw him laughing and this was hurting so much. "Ok, I think now you can take a look." Tommy breathed out before he opened his eyes again. He let his eyes wander again over the face until they reached the lips. And he moved closer to be able to see it clear. "No freckles. There are no freckles." First he whispered, then he was almost shouting. He could hear Neil stepping fast closer to take a look on the face. "This is not my brother. This is not Adam." Tommy was shaking now and tears were running down his cheeks. Neil pulled him in a hug and it was almost so good and warm as it would be Adams hug. And they cried together in relief.
The old man asked them if they were sure. And Neil told him that Adam was covered with freckles and this man had no freckles on his face. The older man checked the body and admitted that there were no freckles on the whole body. Tommy and Neil stepped relieved out of the room. They walked upstairs like they would be in trance, not able to talk. They were both thinking about where Adam was and why there was someone else in his car. Lost in his thoughts Tommy felt like he would go crazy. He felt the urge to find Adam and tell him everything. Now was the time for it. There was no chance he would waste any other minute yet. Not now when he knew what it would be like to lose Adam forever.
They were back in the lobby. And then out of nowhere Adam was just there. He was standing on the counter talking with one of the policeman. Tommy almost fell to his knees when Adam started to laugh. There he was: alive, unhurt and so beautiful. Time stopped as Tommy saw Neil running over to Adam and pulling him in a hug. Adam had a look of confusion on his face and then his eyes locked with Tommys. Tommy couldn't hold back anymore, he ran over to Adam while he whispered over and over again. "You are alive, you are alive." Adam was surprised and pushed Neil slightly away just a second before Tommys body crushed against his. Tommy was about to break apart in Adams arms and Adam just held him. He was looking around for Neil while he was stroking over Tommys head.
"Neil, what is going on with you both?" Neil was not able to answer right away. He was still in shock and stared at Adam. "Tommy?" Adam tried to pull Tommy away to be able to see in his face, but Tommy was holding into him too strong. Adam didn't know what was wrong and he was really worried now. But then the officer who called Neil was there. "Mr. Lambert? I think your brother and Mr. Ratliff are under a shock. They thought you were dead. I am sorry for this." Adam looked at the officer now really confused. "What? Why should they think…" In this second Neil was fainting and he only didn't hit the ground because the officer who was talking with Adam caught him. Tommy was still clinging on Adam, so Adam couldn't really do anything to help the officer. But there were another policeman right there and they took Neil to a room where he could lay down.
Adam walked behind them with Tommy. "Tommy, can you just let me go for a second? I promise I won't leave. I want to look for Neil." But Tommy just shook his head. There was no chance he would let Adam go now. Adam sighed while he was dragging Tommy with him to see Neil. Neil was already waking up when they got in. The officer called for a doctor. Adam took Neils hand and looked to the officer. "Well, can I please get to know what is going on here?" The officer sighed. "We found your car Mr. Lambert. The person who was driving it caused a car accident. He was driving very fast and crashed in a tree. He died. We thought it was you. He… he looked like you, so we called your brother to come here to identify you."
Adams eyes grew bigger and bigger with every word. He felt Tommy sobbing in his arms. "Oh my god!" Adam could feel tears in his own eyes. "How can something like this happen?" He looked angry at the officer. "I am sorry Mr. Lambert. We were sure it was you in the car. The guy had similar clothes on him as you use to wear and his hair was done the same way. He just had the same look." Adam shook his head. "I was in a restaurant tonight and when I wanted to get my car, they told me that I already got it. Obviously the guy was trying to imitate me and he was successful. He got my car. That's why I came here." He was looking at Neil his eyes full of worries. "Mr. Lambert? Can I talk to you?" Another officer came in the room. "Yes, of course." The officer took a short look at Tommy still sobbing in Adams arms. "We found your phone in the car and some other things. You can get them. But I think the car is crashed completely. We have also to keep it as long as the investigation is not finished." Adam nodded. "It's ok. Can I send someone to get my stuff? I would just take the phone with me and bring my brother and my friend back home. I think they both need some rest. It was a hard day for them." The officer handed him his phone out. "Sure. Just call us to fix a date. We are really sorry for the troubles." He left the room.
They stayed for another few minutes to let the doctor check Neil. Adam called the car service. He also called his mom and told her a short mom-friendly version of what happened. He asked her if he could bring Neil over so she could take care of him. Then Adam and Tommy drove to Adams home. Tommy was still caught in his own world. He was holding Adams hand. When they arrived at Adams house they got some drinks and sat down on Adams couch. They didn't talk, Tommy was burried in his thoughts. The silence was almost killing Adam. For the first time since they knew each other he had to force himself to wait for Tommy until he would be able to speak. He reached out his hand to touch Tommys cheek. It was like Tommy would come back from somewhere far away. He leaned in Adams touch and tears started to run down his face again.
"It was so real, Adam." He whispered. "I thought I lost you. And I wanted to tell you…" He couldn't speak anymore. He was crying again. Adam pulled him closer. "Tommy, it's ok. I am here, I am here." He was stroking over Tommys back. After a few minutes, Tommy was able to speak again. He wiped the last tears away and pulled away to look in Adams eyes. He let his eyes wander over Adams face. It was like he would look at this face for the first time for real. And maybe it was just like that. He didn't care if Adam would see the love in his eyes. For the first time he even wanted Adam to see it. And the look on Adams face told him that Adam saw it. Maybe he didn't understand, but he saw it. And Tommy reached out and was stroking over Adams face. His fingers were wandering in slow motion over Adams cheeks, his nose down to his lips. As soon as Tommys finger was on Adams lips, a slight blush covered Adams cheeks.
"Tommy, what are you doing?" he whispered against the finger. And Tommy smiled at him. "I just needed to be sure you are really alive. And I have so much to tell you. So much. And I know that I should have done this some months ago, but I was too afraid to change the things between us. But now, I can't wait no more. I don't want to waste more time." Adam was really nervous now, Tommy could see it. "Tommy, what are you telling me?" But Tommy thought that there will be enough time to talk later. He took Adams face in his hands and pulled him closer. He rubbed his nose over Adams and then he just kissed him.
Tommy could feel Adam tense under the kiss, but only for a few seconds. Then he just took over and started to kiss back. And there they were: kissing for the first time for real. And Tommy learned fast that Adam was kissing with his whole body. He pulled Tommy closer while his hands were wandering over Tommys back. His lips were strong on Tommys lips. And Tommys mind was spinning around while he kissed back as fierce as he could. He could feel his own hardness between them and sighed in Adams mouth.
Adam pulled away to look at Tommy. His look was hazy, his lips swollen and his face was blushing. "Tommy…" his voice was broken. Tommy looked in Adams eyes. He could see that Adam was insecure. "Adam, I know I surprised you. I know that. But I am so in love with you. I just couldn't wait. I was so afraid I wouldn't be able to tell you how much I love you." Adam sighed and let his fingers caress Tommys cheek. "Tommy, I can't believe it. All this time I thought I was wrong. I thought I couldn't read the signs anymore. And now…." Tommy smiled. "I know. I was just not ready for this. Not ready for us. I thought there would be time for us somewhere in the future. That time would lead me. But today I found out that life is too short to be afraid."
Adam smiled back at Tommy. "I am just… I still can't believe it somehow. I mean I love you since ages and I was trying to forget you. But it was not easy. And now... Tommy, do you even know what this all means to me?"
Tommy took Adams hands in his own. "Yes I can pretty clear understand how you feel. And I can also understand when you will need time to get it. I need it as well. I just didn't want to wait any longer to take the first step. Now I will be able to give you as much time as you need." Adam smiled at Tommy. "Taking things slowly sounds really good for me. Let us start with kissing all through the night and when we will wake up tomorrow we will see where the next step will go to."
Tommy took this as an invitation and pulled Adam back in his arms. And they started to kiss and touch. And as the morning was breaking around them they were asleep, curled around each other with swallen lips and dreams full of love and promises of so much more.
I hope you liked it, it was a little bit darker than usual...