(and why NC-17 rated stories shouldn't be written about him . . . oops . . . "it")
(this is not a flame . . . please don't boot me . . . I just felt like saying something)
(actually, it's more of an essay and story on the nature of Smilie Face . . . hmm . . .)
(I am also by no means claiming rights to Minesweeper . . . just commenting on it)
(that should be about it)
We of the Sexist Language Department, Inc. offer this memo in regards to a certain Smilie Face character in the Minesweeper section. We have made yet another error of prounounage by referring to Smilie Face as "he." He is not a he, since he was genetically engineered to be sexless (where would he wear such organs anyway?) for use in a PG-rated desktop game. Yet we insist on calling him he because . . . well because we are the Sexist Language Dept., and that's what we do.
We know we have no right to be offended by offensive material (which we did not read, if one should wonder), rather we are remarking as to the impossibility of a "Mrs." Smilie Face, since there is only one true Smilie Face and he is not a he at all. Not a she, either. Not even a they. (Though perhaps there really is more than one Smilie Face, and they (being they now) exist in a sort of superconscious or hive mind controlled by, yet again, the one true Smilie Face. So they, again, are not really they.) (Confused yet?)
Then again, since we are not Smilie Face, we have no idea as to what goes on inside his . . . its . . . mind. We have no clue how Minesweeper got to be such a popular genre, anyway. An NC-17 story? That's a big step for any section. While we are glad the stories have . . . ~calculates~ . . . decadoubled . . . or whatever the word for increased by ten times is . . . we are not glad that there is one story which we will not read because of its rating. :-( Anyway, on with our story . . .
Professors Robert Donner and Curt Johnson frowned in unison as the minefield on their computer screen exploded once again. As Donner clicked on the pull-down to reach the "restart" command, Johnson commented, "I tell you Bob, there's something missing."
"We're scheduled to give the game to our betas tomorrow. We don't have time for fancy last-minute adjustments. The game will go into production just days from now." Donner absentmindedly clicked on the now reset gray squares. "I know it's pretty plain, but it's addictive enough. Rats! Foiled again!" The mines had once again been exposed. "The little flags are cute, anyway."
Johnson shook his head. "No there's something more we need."
In frustration, Donner had turned the game back to beginner mode and this time was being extra careful, taking at least ten seconds to decide which square to click next. "Aha!" A huge grin broke out on his face. "And you thought you were smarter than me, silly game!" He reached for his sunglasses. "I'm heading out. Just wanted to stay till I won."
Johnson grabbed his jacket and followed his co-worker out the door. "This is just great," he lamented. "We're going to offer a second rate game to our betas. We'll never make the Windows Desktop package!"
Now outside, Donner slid his sunglasses on against the brightness. "Don't worry, Curt. People will love it. The game's got it all. Winning makes you laugh; losing makes you cry. What more do you want?"
"EUREKA!" Johnson stood absolutely still, a trembling smile beginning to tug at his lips.
Donner jumped at the outburst. "Why, Curt. I didn't even know that word was in your vocabulary. But what's the idea? You do have one?" Receiving no response, Donner continued. "Hello?" He waved his hand in front of his friend's eyes.
Johnson snapped out of it to grab Donner's coat sleeve and drag him back into the computer lab. He sat his friend in front of the computer. "You're the artist. Draw a face, one that smiles until the mines blow up."
"And if you win?"
"I don't know. Um . . . it wears sunglasses or something. And the face will be on a button you can push to restart the game."
"Okay. A man's face or woman's?"
Johnson tossed his hands in the air. "Neither. Just a plain ol' smilie face! You don't have time to get all DaVinci on me before the deadline, anyway."
"Whatever you say, Curt. Just make sure the boss knows I worked overtime."
"Yeah, sure, anything."
Epilogue: Obviously, the Minesweeper game did make it
into the Windows package. It is as addictive as Donner says, and
whether Mr. Smilie Face really is a Mr. . . . maybe, but let's not be so
sure, shall we?