The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer stories is off watching TV. Be warned there are some mild spoiler alerts for other popular shows. If you live on Mars. In a cave. Wearing sound cancelling headphones and being blindfolded.
What can I say? The Figgis Agency are a bunch of…
Spoil Sports
The Figgis Agency was watching TV one night in the bullpen. They were all surrounded by food, drinks and wearing costumes.
"Another successful TV finale viewing party has come to an end!" Krieger said cheerfully. He was wearing a black uniform with a black fur cape.
"Only thing not successful was ending of show," Mitsuko remarked. She had changed her costume to that of a medieval barbarian.
Milton popped out some toast. He had a dragon's head taped to his front. And some carboard dragon wings and a tail.
"Another TV finale that Archer missed," Lana remarked. She was wearing a medieval green dress and a gold crown.
"There have been a lot of them this year," Krieger nodded.
"Yeah," Cyril nodded. He was wearing a white monk's robe. "Boy is he going to be pissed when he wakes up!"
"Not as pissed as I am at the ending of this!" Ray snapped. He was wearing a blue dress, a blonde wig and was holding a stuffed dragon.
"I liked it," Cyril said.
"You would," Ray groaned.
"It wasn't that bad," Cyril said.
"I beg to differ," Ray glared at him.
"Hey! Almost all the characters I liked survived," Krieger pointed out. "I'm happy."
"Team Wolf all the way!" Mitsuko cheered.
"I can't believe they made Teenage Professor X king!" Pam remarked. She was wearing a knight's costume. "Well…Co-king."
"Told you that was going to happen," Cheryl grinned. She was wearing a wolf crown and a black dress. "Way to go Wolf Queen! Us red heads rule!"
"Oh, shut up," Ray grumbled.
"It was bound to happen," Cyril said. "Seven kingdoms are way too much for one guy to rule alone. Even with magic powers."
"Is it just me or did that kid kind of figure out this was going to happen the minute he became all mystical?" Krieger asked. "It's not just me is it?"
"Not just you," Ray shook his head. "I just can't believe they made the Dragon Queen evil at the last second and killed her!"
"Ray it wasn't exactly that big a shock," Cyril said. "They were foreshadowing it throughout the entire series!"
"What foreshadowing?" Ray snapped.
Lana spoke up. "Well the fact that the Dragon Queen had a habit of burning her enemies to cinders with her dragons was kind of a clue."
"Trust me," Cheryl nodded. "Once you do that you kind of get hooked."
Cyril went on. "Every other discussion about the Dragon Queen's family had a line about how half of them were completely nuts and craved destruction."
"Like my relatives," Cheryl added.
"But with a lot less incest," Pam added.
"Well…" Cheryl admitted. "Maybe not a lot less? But…Yeah. Less. Technically."
"Not to mention that whole speech she made to her armies about how she was going to let them burn everything to the ground…" Mitsuko said. "Come on!"
"Technically she didn't say that," Ray pointed out. "In the beginning."
"You're right," Pam said. "She got her husband to promise that his armies would burn all the men of iron and smash their stone houses. She didn't exactly object to that."
"I hear the books are going to have a different ending than the show," Cyril spoke up.
"That's one way to generate sales," Cheryl snickered. "I just hope they don't kill off the Night Slayer! She's my favorite! And I like her ending!"
"Yeah having her be a more competent Christopher Columbus of Westeros was satisfying," Lana nodded. "And the ending wasn't that bad. I mean it wasn't Dexter bad. It wasn't Seinfeld bad. It wasn't True Blood bad. It wasn't Two and a Half Men bad."
"It wasn't half as weird as the last season of Rosanne," Pam said. "Well the original one."
"Or as weird as the ending to St. Elsewhere," Cheryl added. "A snow globe? Seriously?"
"It wasn't How I Met Your Mother bad," Krieger added.
"Now hang on," Cyril spoke up. "I liked the ending of How I Met Your Mother!"
"What?" Krieger did a double take.
"It's the only way that entire series made sense!" Cyril told him. "The entire series was about the love Ted had for Robin. Even when she went off with another guy!"
"Just like your life," Ray remarked.
"Ted wanted kids," Cyril said. "Robin couldn't have kids. Ted had to fall in love with someone else and have those kids so he could explain the entire story and they could point out to him to go after Robin again after his wife died! It's the only way that entire series made sense!"
"But what about the pineapple?" Krieger asked.
"That was in the extended DVD version," Cyril said.
"Who the hell cares about Ted and Robin anyway?" Pam scoffed. "I'm a Lily and Marshall girl. They move to Italy for a year. Marshall becomes a judge. Lily gets all the shoes she wants. They're fine!"
"And Robin became Maria Hill and got to run SHIELD!" Cheryl added.
"Okay first of all," Lana spoke up. "I totally agree with Pam on Lily and Marshall. Those two were hilarious! But come on! Robin and Ted? Seriously? That train wreck failed every time they got together on that show. Besides, Robin was too good for Ted anyway. She was better off with Barney anyway. They shouldn't have broken up."
"It was rather a sloppy end for a sitcom," Krieger nodded.
"It was realistic! Life does not wrap up in a neat little bow!" Cyril snapped.
"It did on Big Bang Theory," Pam pointed out.
"You know why you want to see Robin with Barney, Lana?" Cyril snapped. "Barney is basically a blonde version of Archer!"
"And Cyril is Ted," Ray added. "Oh, I get it now."
"Oh my God you're right," Cheryl gasped. "I totally see it!"
"I am not like Ted!" Cyril protested.
"You kind of are," Pam said.
"How?" Cheryl asked.
"Both Ted and Cyril are whiny nitpicky douches," Pam agreed. "Both fall way too hard for women they shouldn't. They always do the wrong thing in a relationship."
"We do not!" Cyril snapped.
"Both have annoying habit of correcting everything people around them say," Ray added.
"Can be totally boring and pretentious," Pam added. "And they're both obsessed with elevators."
Cyril interrupted. "Well technically Ted Mosby is not obsessed with elevators per se. As an architect he's obsessed with all the structures and features of a building. I'm more focused on elevators."
"Again," Ray looked at Cyril. "Annoying and corrects people!"
"And the only way both Ted and Cyril can get the woman of their dreams is if someone dies!" Cheryl added cheerfully.
"Wow that is uncanny," Krieger whistled.
"They have a point," Mitsuko nodded.
"A big one," Lana remarked. Cyril glared at her.
"Now let's analyze Barney Stinson," Pam went on. "A womanizer who spends most of his time in a bar or drinking scotch. Obsessed with quality suits. Constantly lies. Makes up crazy schemes to get laid. Obsessed with living a legendary life."
"Gee who does that sound like?" Ray asked.
"That is just a coincidence!" Lana protested.
"High functioning sociopath…" Cyril looked at Lana.
"That doesn't apply to Archer…" Lana paused. "Technically."
Cheryl added. "Hypersexual mother that lied to him about his father for his entire life."
"That's Archer…" Lana groaned.
"An extremely stubborn self-centered opportunist who manipulates situations so he can always get his way," Ray added.
"Are you talking about Archer or Barney?" Lana asked.
"The fact that you have to ask…" Ray looked at her.
"Oh my God…" Lana realized. "Archer is Barney!"
"Yeah just give Barney a real gun and dye his hair…" Cheryl nodded. "Bingo. We have our own sitcom. How I Met Your Moron."
"Okay," Krieger paused. "Maybe it is for the best that Robin broke up with Barney?"
"I think we can all agree on one thing," Ray spoke up. "Big Bang had the best finale of all time!"
"Oh yeah!" The others called out. "Definitely! No doubt about it!"
"I cried," Cheryl said. "And when they followed that with that kid prequel spinoff, I just lost it!"
"Me too," Krieger nodded.
"Yeah the Clash of Crowns was nowhere near as good as Big Bang," Cyril agreed. "And now that I think about it…Not as dark as Veep."
"And the twists at the end of Veep were way better," Pam added. "Not to mention the callback joke at the end about Tom Hanks."
"Beats the donkey in a brothel joke," Krieger agreed. "And I like brothel jokes!"
"Me too," Pam nodded.
"Look it all comes down to this," Cheryl said. "When all is said and done there was only one fantasy show that ended this year that had an amazing finale. A fantasy show dealing with royal scandals, betrayal, redemption, hope, love, sacrifice and fighting an unstoppable enemy…Star Vs. The Forces of Evil."
"I have to agree with Cheryl on this one," Ray nodded. "The plot twists on that show were way more shocking that what we just saw tonight."
"Much better," Lana nodded. "And I did like Fuller House too."
"I liked Legion," Krieger added. "And I heard iZombie and the Santa Clarita Diet were good too."
"I didn't see those last two," Lana said.
"Me neither…" Pam realized.
"That's part of the reason why they got canceled," Krieger shrugged. "Arrow had that same problem."
"That was still on?" Pam did a double take.
"Gotham went out too," Cheryl said. "I guess teenage Batman had to grow up sometime."
"Boy a lot of shows did bite the dust this year," Ray realized.
"To be fair," Mitsuko spoke up. "Not all of them were that good."
"I liked Whisky Cavalier," Cyril added. "I think that show had potential."
"Oh please," Lana rolled her eyes. "The show was about a group of dysfunctional spies with the two main characters having a will they-won't they relationship while bickering like crazy. How realistic is that?"
Cheryl looked at the fourth wall. "Yeah, who'd watch that?"
"And," Lana said. "Their headquarters was in a bar! Just what we need! A show about drunk spies."
Cheryl again looked at the fourth wall. "I'm not gonna tell her."