"I wish they'd just break up," Seamus says, and is met with a chorus of agreement.
They're in the Gryffindor boy's dormitory, all five of them- him, Harry, Hermione, Neville, and Parvati. The girls had been invited up to play Gobstones and lament their pathetic, single existences away from the younger students in the common room, but the game has since devolved into them sitting (well, mainly laying) on the floor sadly and occasionally trying to make conversation.
"We're so pathetic," Hermione sighs. She's been doing a lot of that lately. "Just so pathetic."
Again, there's a general consensus. They are all pathetic. It's Valentine's Day, for god's sake, and they're not even drinking or eating copious amounts of ice cream.
"Speak for yourself," Neville says, looking up from his Herbology book. He's the only one of the group not immensely disappointed with his life, for whatever reason. Seamus can't figure the bloke out; sixteen years old and single, and he doesn't seem at all upset. He considers asking him about it, but it's easier to fall back into brooding, and anyway he's not sure how Neville would respond to a question like that.
Harry stands up, for whatever reason. "We should do something," he says. "We're- I defeated a Dark Lord, it can't possibly be that hard to get a date with Ginny Weasley."
"Ginny Weasley who has a boyfriend?" Parvati asks, not bothering to open her eyes. "Good luck with that."
"I mean, honestly, Won-Won!" Hermione continues a henceforth unspoken diatribe. "What kind of nickname is that?"
"Yes, exactly!" Parvati says. "It's disgusting!"
Harry is still standing, although looking far more dejected after his ignored pep talk. "D'you like Lavender, then?" he asks Parvati, confused.
Parvati rolls her eyes. "No, not like that, but she is my best friend, and I don't like Ron using her."
Hermione's head snaps up. "Ron's using Lavender?" she asks, raising her eyebrows. "Please, the girl hangs onto his side like some kind of desperate squid monster thing."
Seamus tries to stifle a snort at desperate squid monster thing, but judging from Hermione's frown he's unsuccessful.
"Yeah, because he keeps leading her on!" Parvati says, moving to an upright position and gesturing wildly. "This wouldn't be a problem if you just asked him out in the first place!"
"Oh, so it's my fault now, is it?" Hermione's eyes are beginning to gleam dangerously.
"Yes, it is. If you want someone, tell him straight out instead of whining about how lonely you are, it's as simple as that."
"The same way you've told Lavender that you think she should break up with Ron?"
"That's nothing like it! It's none of my business who Lavender dates!"
"Then how is Ron any of mine?"
"Oh, I don't know, because you want to shag him, maybe?"
Hermione grabs at her wand, and Parvati only hesitates a second before mimicking the motion. They glare at each other, and Seamus decides that it's high time to interrupt. They're both highly capable witches, and he rather likes being all in one piece, thankyouverymuch.
"Let's all just agree that Ron and Lavender are not good for each other, alright?" he asks, desperately hoping that the two girls won't turn on him instead. After a tense moment, Hermione nods, and Parvati relaxes as well.
There's a few minutes of quiet as they delve back into their own personal miseries. Harry finally sits down and reaches for one of the few remaining bottles of Butterbeer. Seamus considers offering to open the bottle of Ogden's Firewhiskey he's been saving, but Hermione's a Prefect and he doesn't want to get detention today of all days.
"And the height difference, too," Harry says to no one in particular. "That's gotta be at least, what, half a foot? That's absurd, is what it is."
"Oi!" Seamus says as Neville bursts out laughing. "What's wrong with a height difference?"
Harry grins. "Sorry," he says, shrugging and not looking at all sorry, which is a bit much coming from someone who's shorter than Seamus's mum. To be fair, Seamus is also shorter than Seamus's mum, but that's largely irrelevant.
"Speaking of Dean," Seamus says, at which point Parvati groans loudly. "What?"
"You're always speaking of Dean," she says, but Seamus refuses to take the bait. He considers taking the he's-my-best-mate defense, but is pretty sure that it won't go down well, so he just decides to ignore her.
"Yes, well, speaking of Dean, I'm telling him we had an orgy, I refuse to say we sat here and were too sad even to play gobstones. That alright with you lot?"
Hermione sputters, but Harry and Parvati nod as though this is a great idea, and Neville shrugs.
"Right, then."
There are another couple minutes of silence, during which Seamus takes the opportunity to plan out a few details of their presumed fake orgy.
"I wish they'd just break up," he finally says, and is treated to a round of heavy sighs.
"You're all pathetic," Neville says definitively. "I'm going to get lunch."