Yellow
Look
at the stars, see how they shine for you…and everything you do…
Pacey could see the moisture from his breath rise
through the thick, winter air as he quietly sat on the front porch step. Faint
sounds of Gretchen's footsteps across the hardwood floor were the only sounds
of the night. The brilliant stars caught his eye. They seemed to shine more
brightly than he had ever remembered. I guess the city has a way of removing
the stars. He ached to get back to the place he now called home. Unfortunately,
he was in Capeside now. This place was just an empty void as far as he was
concerned. Why he had agreed to come back to this forsaken town, he could not
account for. He was seriously considering leaving Capeside immediately, except
Gretchen had begged him to stay. She was aggravatingly persistent. He could
understand her reasons for forcing him here. She simply did not want to be
alone with the family at Christmas time, but why she wouldn't come stay with
him during the Holidays, was beyond him.
His hands began to numb and he rubbed them
quickly to produce needed warmth. He was tempted to go back in the house to
thaw, but thought against it. He
wanted to be alone for a while and let the cold numb his mind. Every time he
came back to Capeside, the stinging memories of what he had lost here would
always creep into his foremost thoughts, regardless of his struggles to push
them deep into the recesses of his mind. They always began with that day he
walked out of Joey's dorm room. He still questioned himself if that decision
was the right one. Get over it, Witter. There's nothing you can do about it.
Pacey was never one for regrets,
but that single moment was his one true regret, he had to admit to himself.
That was the day everything had ended for him, and he couldn't take it back,
so…
He rubbed his
forehead in an attempt to forget. Gretchen called from inside, "Pacey? Hey,
could you come inside…I need to ask you something." He stood and walked towards
the front door, his body stiff from the cold air that had seeped into his body.
As he walked inside, Gretchen met him in the entranceway. She childishly
grinned at him. "Pacey, have I ever mentioned how absolutely amazing you are?
These moments of bonding we share, truly are the highlight of our return to
Capeside." Pacey eyed her suspiciously, as he pushed his way past her into the
living room. "What's up, Gretchen?" He settled himself on the old sofa,
wrapping himself with a blanket. She sat right next to him, staring at him with
a hopeful expression on her face. "Pacey, I just talked to Dawson on the phone.
He asked if we would meet him for dinner at his parent's restaurant. Now I know
fish may not sound overly appealing, I mean I have issues with fish from
working there, but it would be nice to get out of the house." Pacey glanced at
her doubtfully. "You honestly want to wander through the town of Capeside,
putting yourself in an undeniable trap of seeing people here that I, myself,
have no desire to see? I'd rather stay in the house, thanks." He flipped the TV
on, trying to get his point across. Gretchen stood up and walked in front of
the TV. She put her hands on her hips and glared at him accusingly. "What?" He
asked innocently "Pacey, could you stop acting like a child? I thought you had
moved on. You're above the problems that haunt you here, aren't you?" She
softened a little and walked back to where he was sitting. "I understand this
is not a place of harmony or bliss for you or me…but we're here now and let's
just make the best of it. Come on, Pace…" Pacey relented to her antagonism. She
was right; he had to get out sometime, so he might as well get it over with.
……
Pacey shut the
car door and made his way towards the Leery's restaurant. He could see Dawson
and Gail through the front windows as Gretchen came up beside him. "This will
be fun, Pacey. Relax a little." He didn't know what his problem was. He and
Dawson had patched things up a long time ago, so his anxiety over going out
tonight was unprecedented. Then a realization hit him. He hadn't wanted to
acknowledge that he was unsettled at the chance of seeing Joey. It literally
made his heart rapidly beat and his throat dry at the possibility. You're
past this. He shook it off as he opened the door for Gretchen, and then
followed her in. Dawson instantly
greeted Gretchen with a hug and Pacey with a handshake. Pacey smiled at seeing
his old friend. "Pacey, it's good to see you. I'm really glad you two could
come out here." Pacey smiled at Dawson for his never-ending store of good humor
and optimism. "It's good to see you too, Dawson. How are things at the old fish
house?" "Good. My parent's restaurant has done really well over the past year.
They seem to enjoy it… why don't you sit down over here and I'll be back in
just a minute." Dawson led them to a small table in the corner where he sat
them, and quickly walked to the front of the restaurant where Gail was
standing. Gretchen nudged Pacey, "Just
like old times, huh Pace?" She laughed quietly at her own remark, as Pacey
shook his head, with an involuntary smile growing on his face. "Yeah. I'll meet
you there." Her sarcasm relieved the tension he had been feeling ever since
they had decided to come here.
Gail eagerly
walked through some aisles of tables towards them, towing Dawson behind her.
Gail gave Gretchen and Pacey a warm smile. "Hi, you two. I'm glad you could
come by our little restaurant. How are the both of you doing?" They
simultaneously replied, "Fine." Gretchen quickly added, "How's the restaurant
business? It seems like you're doing really well." Gail rolled her eyes as she
wearily returned, "It gets pretty crazy around here, but somehow we seem to
keep it together." "The restaurant looks great, Gail," Pacey commented.
"Thanks, Pacey," Gail replied, gladly accepting his compliment. Gail suddenly pushed
Dawson into the seat next to Gretchen, in order to make sure they sat next to
each other. Pleased at her actions, she turned to all three and pointed out,
"Your waiter will be with you in a moment." She winked at them and swiftly
walked back to the kitchen, leaving Dawson staring at his mother in amazement.
"Subtlety. A quality my mother does not possess."
The three of them
sat at their table making small talk throughout dinner, never bringing anything
of consequence into the conversation. Something of which Pacey was extremely
grateful for. Dawson explained to them how much he enjoyed school at Columbia
University. It was a tough school academically, but he was living in some frat
house making the best of his time there. Pacey could picture Dawson at frat
parties being the official designated driver or something similar. The thought
forced him to crack a smile and appreciate the innocence and naïveté of his
friend. That's one thing about Dawson that Pacey could appreciate--Dawson never
changed who he was for anyone else. Throughout his story, Dawson only mentioned Joey once when he brought up
some party he had been to at Cornell University. Dawson's friends had gone all
the way to New York City to pick up on smart, drunk chicks, but Dawson had gone
in hopes of seeing Joey. He mentioned how great she had looked, and how
afterwards they had randomly kept in touch through email and phone calls. Apparently
she kept herself pretty busy. At this point, Pacey began tuning Dawson out. He
didn't really want to hear about her happy new life. How her life seemed to
move along quite nicely without him. Ignore your thoughts and the pain will
go away. Fortunately, that was all Dawson mentioned about her.
Gretchen and
Pacey then went on to explain their post-Capeside stories. Gretchen had gone
back to school and had decided to major in Psychology. She only had a few
semesters left and would probably go on to get her Master's Degree in
Psychology a few years later, if everything panned out how she planned. Pacey interpreted
her choice of majors as a sign that she was trying to understand how truly
screwed up their family was psychologically, but if she wanted to deal with it
then the more power to her. Pacey would rather live a life of blissful
self-denial. It was then Pacey's turn to explain his whereabouts of the past
year and a half. Pacey saw his story as rather uneventful, but was forced into
telling Dawson anyway. He had stayed in
Capeside and worked at a pointless job after high school, but after a few months
things weren't working out how he had hoped. So, he moved to Boston get lost in
the city. Although he loved Boston and now called it home, its only flaw was
its close proximity to Capeside. He had a job as a waiter at some local
restaurant, he knew the owner, and he had a place on the South side of the
city. It wasn't glamorous or anything, but it worked. That was everything as
far as he was concerned. As Pacey finished his story, there was an awkward
silence--each one considering everything that was left out. No one really wanted
to bring up anything uncomfortable, however, so they continued chatting about
typical, surface topics.
The check was
placed on the table and they all acknowledged that it was time to go. They had
sat in that restaurant for almost two hours reminiscing, joking and telling
their stories, but Pacey wanted to get out of there before he saw anyone else...like
Joey. Pacey and Gretchen excused themselves from the table and Dawson
walked them to the front door of the restaurant. Dawson was going to stay and help
his parents with the restaurant while he was in town, so he left an open
invitation for them to return and see him. They parted on pleasant terms and
Gretchen made Dawson promise he would stop by the house while he was in town,
which he willingly agreed to.
Gretchen and
Pacey walked briskly in the freezing winter air in the direction of their car.
Pacey's heart was beating so rapidly and he was on complete alert of his
surroundings. He was anxious to get to the car before seeing anyone he would regret
seeing at all. Something from the
corner of Pacey's eye caused him to pause and glance back at the restaurant.
His heart rate jumped up a notch as he noticed her walking en route for the
front door of the restaurant. She looks amazing. He quickly turned his
head away from the restaurant and continued for the car. He didn't want her to
notice him or Gretchen. He couldn't face her, not now.
"Pacey? Is that
you? Gretchen?" Pacey had almost made it inside the car before Joey spotted
him. He gradually shut the car door, and watched Gretchen promptly walk over to
Joey. Pacey leisurely walked over to the two girls and as he approached them,
he gave Joey a half smile. "Pacey, how are you? You look great…" His facial
expression stayed somber as he replied, "Great, and you?" He looked away as she
answered him. He didn't even hear her answer. All he could hear was his own
voice replaying the events of his last conversation with Joey. She could feel
how uncomfortable he was at seeing her. Gretchen was trying to fill in the
awkward moment by questioning Joey, but the feeling of discomfort was so strong
that Joey quickly cut her off by saying, "Um, hey, I'll let you guys go…I'm
supposed to be meeting people here anyway, so…it was really good to see the
both of you." Joey's eyes lingered on Pacey as he continued to stare in another
direction. She paused in anticipation that he would stop her, ask to stop by,
or call, or something…but there was nothing. She excused herself and walked
into the restaurant. "Smooth, Pacey." Gretchen snidely remarked as she left him
standing on the sidewalk by himself. He followed her back to the car, ignoring
her attempts at making him feel guilty about his behavior.
……..
The ringing of
the telephone, which was conveniently left right next to his ear, awakened
Pacey. He covered his ears with his pillow and squeezed his eyes closed, hoping
the endless ringing would stop. "Gretchen, are you going to answer that?" he
yelled, agitated he was awake at all. He lifted the pillow from off his head
when the ringing stopped. He looked for his alarm clock and noticed it was
10:00 AM. He lay back down and stared at the ceiling, half awake and half
asleep. "Pace…the phone's for you. Get up!" Gretchen's high-pitched voice calling
his name, assured his irritated mood as he reached for the phone and answered
it. "Hello? Pacey, this is Joey…how are you?" Not now- was the only
thing that came to mind as he heard her soft voice on the other end. Pacey
groggily replied, "Good. You?" Joey
hesitated, preparing herself for what she was going to say next. "I'm good. Um,
Pacey, I know this is a little out of place, but I was wondering if you would
meet with me…just to talk and catch up on things." Pacey's heart sunk as he ached
with every word she said. His heart yearned to say yes, but instead he answered
with, "Potter, I'm pretty busy today. Yeah know, family togetherness and all.
So…" Silence was his only answer. Then her soft voice gently said, "Oh, sure,
don't worry about it. I completely understand. I'll just see you some other
time." She hung up the phone before he could even say goodbye. He sat still for
about five minutes going over the conversation in his head, debating if he did
the right thing. Too late now…that was always his excuse.
…….
Later that day,
after Gretchen forced Pacey to go to the grocery store, he spotted Dawson heading
inside the store, as he was on his way out. Pacey called to him, "Hey Dawson,
what's up?" Dawson quickly turned to see who was calling him, and an immediate
smile appeared on his face when he saw Pacey. "Hey Pace, doing some shopping?"
"Yeah. I really know how to have fun in Capeside. I'm beginning to wonder why I
ever left this place…how about you?" Dawson quietly laughed as he nodded in
agreement. "I hear you, Capeside definitely tempts me to stay…Hey, um Pace, I
did want to talk to you about something. I understand that it is not my place
to say anything, but, well, Joey is concerned about you. She's worried because you're
not yourself…I don't know if that's true or whatever, but I thought maybe I
would just talk to you and see how you were doing." Pacey looked away, not
wanting to show the pain in his eyes. He realized he had been rude to Joey, but
he honestly hadn't meant to upset her. He immediately recovered in a nonchalant
tone of voice, "I'm fine, Dawson. I don't know why she's worried. Things have
changed…we've all changed. Maybe I'm not the same person I was before, but
that's just how it is now. I've accepted that, and I wish everyone else would,
too." Dawson examined Pacey's face
looking for reassurance that Pacey really was okay. "Listen, I'm sorry I even
brought it up. I just thought I'd see if you wanted to talk about it. I'm sorry if I was out of place." Pacey's
mood lightened a little as he realized Dawson's genuine concern for him. "Don't
worry. It's all over anyway. Hey, I'm on my way out so stop by sometime if you
can." Dawson was glad there was no uneasiness between the two of them. "Yeah,
I'll see you soon. Oh, and um, how long is Gretchen going to be in town? For a
while?" Pacey shook his head and laughed at the tact of his friend. "Yeah,
Dawson. She'll be there. See ya."
He walked across
the parking lot to his car and saw a figure standing next to the driver's side
door. His face twisted with confusion as he considered who would be waiting for
him. On the verge of reaching his car, he recognized the golden brown hair. He
stopped dead in his tracks and looked around at his options. He entertained the
idea of going back into the store and waiting it out…but he knew this wasn't
the fifth grade. He had to face her. His heart rate picked up and he suddenly
felt extremely nervous. What was he going to say to her? It was so emotionally
draining to see this girl. He wanted so much for things to be different between
them. He knew what he really wanted was their relationship to be how it was—back
in the day. His need for her was so much greater than he ever imagined, and it
physically pained him to need her so much and not be able to have that
relationship of comfort and ease. He wished she would let him be so he would
not have to deal with this constant aching he felt.
Pacey continued
to walk to the car, holding his breath in anticipation. Joey turned on her
heals when she heard his footsteps. She smiled shyly, embarrassed at his
discovery of her waiting at the car. "Hey, Pace." Pacey made no venture at
courtesy. "Potter," was the only thing he managed to say. Joey looked
apprehensively at the ground, unsure of her next words. "I know that I keep
bothering you, Pacey. I'm not trying to stalk you or anything. It's just that I
would really like to talk to you. There are so many things we have left unsaid.
I was just hoping you would give me a chance to explain." Pacey stared at her without making a move.
She seemed so vulnerable in her humble request to talk to him about things. He
hated what they had become. How uncomfortable and awkward things were between
them. He had built up this wall and it has put so much distance—he didn't even
know who he was or she was. He looked away, disgusted with himself. "Joe, I know
you want to have some big discussion about the past and drag it all out…but I
can't. The wounds are too raw to bring this out again. I just can't keep
dealing with it. I spend every moment trying not to think about it, and talking
with you will just bring out too much. I'm sorry." He walked around her,
avoiding her eyes, not wanting to see the expression on her face. He went for
the door handle, and she placed her hand on top of his to stop him. "You can't
keep pushing me away, Pacey. We'll never get past this unless we get it all
out. Stop and realize…I care about you. No matter how much you hurt me or push me
away, I will always care about our friendship." She backed away from him,
hoping her words would soak in and allow him to reconsider. He stood with his
back turned to her, silent. He wanted to lash out at her. Didn't she realize
she had ruined their precious friendship? He was so angry at how she had hurt
him. How she had destroyed him…but he couldn't say those things. He didn't want
her to know she had hurt him as deeply as she had.
He faced her, his
eyes piercing into hers. He knew what he had to say, but he was afraid to say it
for fear what the consequences would be.