How do you expect me to be positive when every time I invite happiness in, everything goes wrong. But I guess that is a good thing. I mean, If I'm being careful no to ruin everything then at least that indicates I'm happy. Right? I am not skeptical at the possibility of happiness. After being probed by pshychiatrists throughout your childhood it is hard not to question your life.
I am not as insecure about myself as I used to be. I still have my own form of vitriol. But who doesn't?
Nate. Nate... He says I am too protective of my emotions. He knows how I feel towards him. My feelings for Nate run deeper than anything I have felt before. But I always feel like I am searching for something more than I can have. I crave something new. But when I imagine being without Nate I feel an ache inside. I have become dependant. I resent myself for the fact. Occasionally when I am around him, I feel like I should do more to show my affections. Should I hold him in my arms and tell him I love him more? But the moment passes, along with the guilt .... Our relationship has always been based on a sexual lust for each other. And I know that is not enough to see us through, but that is how it has always been. He is good to me, but the 'spark' is no longer there. The way I used to think of him all the time, and get butterflies when he touched me, I don't feel it anymore.
We all need mirrors to remind ourselves who we are. I am no different. I don't think I could ever be without him. He makes me feel secure, and I know, that in my own way, I love him.