Forgive
Okay, so I wrote this in October cuz my friend had just broken up with her boyfriend and she was seriously on the brink of suicide…so I was in a rather dark sad place at the time, too. Ironically, I told this same friend off today…and I'm beginning to see why he broke up with her (I didn't say that, btw…) but I've been on a major adrenaline high all day cuz she's like…um, for lack of a better word, a bitch and she's manipulative and…just plain mean. And yesterday she made my best friend cry. So I told her off today because no one ever stands up to her…and then later today my ex-best friend came up to me and said she heard what I said, and way to go me. LOL, so major adrenaline high ALL day.
But back to the point…I don't own the characters, I don't own the song, and some of the things I had them say are the same as a few lines in "Betrayal" cuz I didn't plan on actually ever posting this…but ya know what? I do own those lines : ) But "Forgive" is by Rebecca Lynn Howard, not me…great song, btw…one of those songs I fell in love with the first time I heard it…oh, but you have to change the 'he's' and 'she's' around in the song for it to work with the fic…I think that's really it now…
Chandler looked down, forcing himself to pull his eyes away from Monica's, not able to take looking at her. It hurt too much. Where he had once seen nothing but love, he now only saw betrayal.
This was it. This was the one reason he said he'd ever had to leave. The one thing that he'd deemed as unforgivable. He'd had it done to him before, but he'd never believed that she would ever do this to him. Never believed that she would ever hurt him like this.
He wanted to leave.
He wanted to leave, to get out, to get the hell out, as fast as he could. He needed to get away from her to think about this. But he suddenly found himself unable to walk away, unable to even move, the hurt being too much to bear.
Taking a deep shaky breath, he finally looked back up at her, tear-filled eyes meeting tear-filled eyes.
I always said that'd be it
That I wouldn't stick around
If it ever came to this
But here I am
I'm so confused
How am I supposed to leave
When I can't even move
Two minutes earlier, he'd been happy. He'd had what he considered his some-what perfect life, and he'd been happy. And in the time that it took for him to ask how her day was, everything had changed. The universe turned upside down and he found it hard to believe in anything he'd been believing in for years. She'd taken everything he'd trusted in, everything he'd known, and threw it all away. But somehow, somehow with the belief that he'd say all was forgiven.
But this time, it wasn't that easy.
In the time it would've took to say
'Honey, I'm home, how was your day?'
You dropped a bomb right where we live
And just expect me to forgive
Oh, that's a mighty big word
For such a small man
And I'm not sure I can
'Cause I don't even know now who I am
It's too soon for me to say forgive
"Since when?" he finally asked, his voice cracking.
"A couple of months ago…after we had that huge fight and I walked out…"
"And didn't come home till morning," he finished, and Monica looked down, ashamed.
Monica nodded, wiping the tears from her cheeks.
"So, it's just been…going on since then?" he whispered, shock being the only thing that kept him from yelling.
Monica once again nodded slowly, and Chandler looked back down.
"So do you…do you love him, or was it just," he trailed off. "Ya know what? I don't want to know. Because you were either just screwing around or you really loved him and I don't know which is gonna hurt worse for me to hear. The fact that you cheated just for the physical part or if you really were in love with someone else."
"Chandler," Monica started, but he turned his back, walking away.
I should ask but I won't
Was it love or just her touch
'Cause I don't think I wanna know
"I-I think you should leave," he finally said quietly, not looking at her, still facing the opposite direction.
"What?"
"Just-just get out," he turned back to face her, looking up as he wiped the tears from his face. "Leave for a couple of days. I just-I just need some time to think, and-and figure all of this out."
So get you some things
And get out
Don't call me for a day or two
So that I can work things out
"You're serious," Monica looked at him in disbelief.
"You're not stupid, Monica. You couldn't have thought that you were gonna tell me this and just have me forgive you. You couldn't honestly expect to drop this on me like this, take away everything I know, and just expect me not to care."
Monica was silent, avoiding eye contact by staring down at her hands.
"Goddamnit, Monica, you took away everything I thought was real! I thought we were happy! I thought we were in love!"
"We are!"
"Then what the hell was all this? Do I just bore you? You need a change?"
"No!"
"Then, what, Monica? What is it?" he asked, wiping the tears that continued to fall stubbornly. "Why would you sleep with someone else? And not only once, but for the past two months?"
"I came clean! I told you! And I don't love him, it was never like that. It was just-"
"And that changes it?" he yelled back.
"Can't you ever just forgive?" Monica finally shot back in frustration.
Well you might as well've ripped the life
Right out of me
Right here tonight
And through the fallin' tears you said
'Can't you ever just forgive?'
"You think you deserve to be forgiven?" he looked her in the eye, but she didn't respond. "If this were reversed, would you forgive?"
"Yes, I would because I would still love you, and I'd know that despite whatever that you still love me," she answered, wiping her eyes with her sleeves.
"The thing is…is I do love you," he finally whispered. "I want to hate you right now, I want to so badly…but I can't because I love you so damn much."
Oh, that's a mighty big word
For such a small man
And I'm not sure I can
'Cause I don't even know now
Who I am
It's too soon for me to say forgive
"So?" Monica finally questioned, wondering if she should really leave, or if he was going to give her a second chance and forgive.
Chandler sighed. "Forgive and forget, relive and regret," he paused, looking up at her. "If I just forgive and forget than this is just going to come back and bite me in the ass."
"But what if it doesn't?"
"But what if it does? Mon, you're everything to me. You're everything that I am, and right now, I'm not sure that I can trust you, so I'm completely lost! I don't even know who I am without you!"
Monica looked down, closing her eyes out of guilt. "I love you," she finally whispered.
"Well, I can't trust you right now," Chandler answered bitterly.
"Chandler, I know I screwed up! I know-"
"No, you don't! You can't know until you've been on this side and felt what I'm feeling right now! Mon, I want to forgive you because I love you and I always have and it's been so long since I've been without you that I don't even know what to do without you. I want to love you, and I want to hate you, and it's really hard to do both at the same time," he sighed.
You know what they say
Forgive and forget
Relive and regret
Forgive
Oh, that's a mighty big word
For such a small man
And I'm not sure I can
'Cause I don't even know now who I am
It's too soon for me to say forgive
"Should-should I go?" Monica asked in a shaky voice, looking him in the eye, noticing for the first time the jaded look in them.
Chandler nodded slowly, so Monica turned, walking slowly out the door. As soon as he heard the click of the door closing, Chandler broke down crying. Everything he'd trusted in for years was gone. Everything. And with that thought, he buried his face in one of the pillows on the couch, crying himself to sleep.
~*~
Chandler stood nervously outside of Phoebe's door, unshaven and unshowered. He knew that Monica was staying with her. He paused, his hand millimeters from the door, not sure of what he was going to say or do. But when he saw that it was Monica who opened the door when he finally did knock, looking as shitty as he felt, he knew.
"Hey," Monica said quietly, offering a small smile,
Chandler returned her smile, taking a deep breath before whispering, "It's just too soon for me to say forgive."
It's too soon for me to say forgive
Yep, you guessed it, I ain't gonna continue this. Please review, though : )